Blushing, she stood and wrapped her arms around my neck. Her face was suddenly serious. “I’m ready, baby. Are you sure you are?”
Inhaling deep, I placed a kiss on Lexi’s lips, pulling back only to say, “I am.”
Walking back to our private villa on a stunning hilltop in a secluded hamlet, I gripped onto Lexi’s hand like it could give me courage. She didn’t say anything in response. She knew today was gonna be hard on me, on Levi, but she was always my silent support. Hell, she’d been that way all along, hadn’t she? Keeping my secrets, me keeping hers.
Lexi had moved with me to San Francisco. And in the past year, together we had opened up a treatment center for youths with eating disorders. She called it Daisy’s Smile, and I was so shittin’ proud of her. She was still helping others, even though she was still in recovery herself.
I couldn’t wait to marry her, to have her as my wife, but we agreed that day would come when she felt comfortable again. Felt like herself again. Lexi’s recovery would be a long process, and I wanted to give her the wedding day of her dreams, not one clouded with insecurity. I didn’t really care about waiting. I saw her as my soul mate, my life, regardless of a piece of paper telling me what we had was legit.
Ten minutes later, and after a slow and steady pace, Lexi and I walked through the door to the villa, Lexi a little breathless from too much exercise. She was still weak but getting stronger all the time.
Levi immediately met us at the door, eager to get going. The kid looked good these days. He’d smartened up. His fair hair, short and styled, paired with his gray eyes and deep southern drawl, he had the California girls wetting their panties over his Bama ass. We got his stidda removed too. He was reborn. He didn’t need the sign of his past weighing him down.
Since moving to San Fran, I got Levi in a good private school—a good football school—and he’d gotten his grades up. He was focused on football, and he had just about every college in the damn country wanting him to play for them in a couple of years—most talented wide receiver I ever saw.
Of course, Levi wanted to play for the Tide, his home team, but he wasn’t ever going back to Tuscaloosa. I just couldn’t allow it. He got out of the crew, and he wasn’t going anywhere close to the Heighters turf ever again.
I was just so damn proud of the kid… Mamma would be proud of the man he’d become too.
“We ready to go?” Levi asked nervously, and Lexi broke from my hand and moved to give him a hug. Levi wrapped his gangly arms tight around her back. I noticed her subtle flinch, but it was Levi and he adored her. She’d become a mamma of sorts to him, making sure he wasn’t ever missing out on having a parental figure in his life.
Pix had a heart of gold.
“You gonna be all right, okay, sweetie. We’re here for you,” Lexi said as she pulled back and rubbed at Levi’s arms.
“I know, Lex. Just gonna be weird, you know?” Levi shrugged and, moving forward, I took him in my arms, pulling back only to place my hands on his cheeks. “Andrà tutto bene, fratellino mio. Te lo guiro.”
Everything will be fine, little brother. I swear it.
Lexi walked away to our master bedroom, giving us a private moment, and, minutes later, reappeared clutching the small golden urn protectively in her arms.
Her small encouraging smile told me it was time.
Mamma told me growing up that the Ponte Vecchio was her most treasured place on Earth, the thirteenth century bridge that ran over the top of the Fiume Arno, the Arno River. It symbolized her home, Firenze, her roots, and she dreamed of showing us all its beauty one day.
She never got that chance.
When Mamma died, spreading her ashes in Alabama never seemed right. This was her home; Italia was her soul, her heart. And it was about time she made her permanent return.
Lexi, Levi, and I walked slowly along the length of the Ponte Vecchio, Lexi’s hands in each of ours, our rock in this most intense time.
The iconic tourist attraction was strangely deserted on this wintery but sunny day. It was like God knew what we were about to do and wanted to pay His respects, giving us some privacy to say our final good-byes to His daughter.
We passed the row of little houses that were placed along the old bridge, and I wondered which one belonged to Mamma’s family. Her nonna lived in one of the historic tiny houses until her death years ago, and Mamma said there was no prettier place to grow up.
I looked upon the tiny houses, the bridge, with wonder, and I imagined my mamma running along here as a child, playing with her friends, singing for the locals in her perfect soprano pitch, her dancer limbs spread out to lap up the breeze.
The thought gave me peace.
As we reached the center point of the bridge, I leaned over the old stone wall and looked down upon the running flow of water below. I felt Lexi’s hand lay flat to my back.
It was time.
Standing back up straight, I looked to Levi and hooked my arm around his neck. Levi’s eyes met mine. Water was swelling in his eyes, but like a champ, my little bro kept it together.
Unhooking my arm from around Levi, I held the small urn in two hands, barely noticing the people from the surrounding houses coming out to watch us say our farewell.
Moving closer to the wall, I looked out over the medieval city and felt a sense of peace wash through me. This city was a part of me through Mamma. Il Duomo di Firenze, Palazzo Medici Riccardi, all of it. I had more than Bama blood running through my veins, and I was proud to belong to the green, white, and red too.
“Baby?” Lexi whispered and laid her head on my shoulder. “Would you like to say a few words? You know, to mark the occasion?”
Gripping the urn tighter in my hand, I couldn’t take my eyes off the gilded gold reflecting in the sun. Turning my head to the side, I pressed a kiss on my fiancée’s head, breathing in her sweet scent and using it to gather strength.
Taking a deep breath, I stared down at the urn, my knuckles white around it, and spoke straight from my heart.
“Mamma, I knew this day was coming soon. For a year I’ve planned this, worked hard to make you proud…” I looked over to Levi, who had reached his arm around my back and was clutching Lexi’s hand so tightly in his own, and met his eyes. “And so has Lev.”
My throat clogged, but clearing it with a cough, I managed to keep on going. “A lot has happened since you left us, Mamma. I’ve made your dream come true and am now a San Francisco 49er. And I’m good, Mamma. Real good. We made it to the Superbowl this year but lost to the Seahawks. To Rome, Mamma. You would’ve loved to have seen us both play.”
I let out a small laugh at the memory, Rome tapping me on the back and telling me, “Next year.”
“Lev’s in a good school and is sticking in, working hard, and Axe—”
My hands began shaking as I thought about Axel. He was still inside, having served one year of his ten-year sentence for distribution of class-A drugs. I visited him when I could and made him a promise—when he’s out, he’s moving out with us.
Nine years.
Nine years until he got out and started his new life.
“Well, Axe, he’s been doing real well too. He’s keeping low and outta trouble inside. And he’s studying, Ma. Axe is gonna be a graduate in business. Can you believe it? He’ll make something of himself, that’s for sure. He’ll make you real proud too.”
Water filled my eyes as a cool breeze wrapped around us. It felt like Mamma was hearing me, and I was finding it real fuckin’ hard to let her go.
“Baby? You’re doing so well. Ti amo,” Lexi whispered, and I somehow found the strength to carry on.
“You were cheated in this life, Mamma. You had a heart of gold and were awarded a life of coal. But you never complained. You just made the best of what little you had and just loved your boys with more love than anyone could ever dream possible. I know Bama was never your home, Mamma, and that you always wanted to be back here, back running among the cypress trees, singing center s
tage in the Teatro di Verona, and breaking bread with your family. But God had other plans for you. He knew you’d given too much too young and wanted you to take your place with Him in paradise. But in typical fashion, before you left, you made sure we would be okay, that I would be okay. You recognized my miracle when I was too blind to see it myself.”
I heard a sniff beside me and glanced down to see my gorgeous fiancée, her heart breaking but still giving a huge, encouraging smile.
Christ, I loved her.
Tipping my head to the vast blue, cloudless sky, I imagined Mamma looking down on us, at peace now that the Carillo boys were doing good, that Lexi was by my side. We were all out of trouble, getting things done right.
“Every day I live, I will strive to make you proud. You may’ve been on your own, no man to take care of you, but you taught me what it was to be strong, what it was to be a man. I will love Pix with all that I am, and one day, if we have kids, I will love them as much as you loved us.”
This time, the tears couldn’t be held back, and salty water began streaming from my eyes and down my cheeks. “Sleep tight, Mamma. I hope you’re singing up there with a smile upon your face.”
Letting out a sob, Levi curled himself into my chest and shook with the intensity of his grief.
Lexi took the urn from my hands so I could wrap my brother in my arms. “Shh, Lev. It’s okay.”
Levi’s hand gripped onto the back of my shirt as he rid himself of a year’s worth of sorrow. “I miss her, Austin. I miss her so damn much. I can’t do this.”
“I know, Lev. I know.”
I let him get it all out and looked across at Lexi, who was struggling with all the emotion herself. Holding out an arm, I waved her in, and she joined us, the three of us remembering one of the greatest women who ever lived.
When Levi calmed, I took him by the arms and looked him in the eye. “You gonna say something, kid? Mamma would’ve liked it if you did.”
Levi’s eyes darted to Lexi for support, and she squeezed his arm. “You can do it, sweetie. We’re here with you.”
Levi nodded and, taking the urn, stared down at it in sadness but managed to straighten his shoulders. I almost broke down at seeing him so strong.
“Austin?” Levi asked.
I laid one hand on his back and flicked my chin. “Yeah?”
“You think I can say a prayer instead? I’ve… I’ve got one I think she woulda liked.”
My chest tightened, and I felt Lexi take my hand and squeeze it in support.
“Sure you can, Lev. Mamma would’ve loved that.”
Levi moved right to the wall and balanced the urn on the ancient stone. He bowed his head, and I heard Lexi gasp as the locals listening in around us followed suit, paying their respects to a woman they never knew.
“L’eterno riposo, dona a loro, o Signore,
e splenda ad essi la luce perpetua,
possano le anime dei fedeli defunti,
Attraverso il ricordo di Dio, risposare in pace,
Amen.”
Levi spoke in perfect Italian, the prayer sounding like a song from his lips.
The locals’ wishes of Dio ti benedica, God bless, echoed around us, and Lexi leaned in close. “That was beautiful, but what did he say?”
Placing my mouth at her ear, I whispered,
“Eternal rest, grant unto them, O’ Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon them.
May the souls of the faithful departed,
Through the memory of God, rest in peace,
Amen.”
“Oh, Austin. It’s beautiful,” Lexi said as she tucked her head into my chest and shed her own tears for the woman she knew so briefly but loved so much.
Placing a kiss on Levi’s head, I pressed my forehead to his and closed my eyes. No words needed to be said. He knew I was proud of him.
Taking the golden urn, I unscrewed the lid, and as a unit, we all moved to the edge of the wall to finally set her free.
Looking to Lexi, I said, “Ti amo tantissimo.”
She laid a kiss on my bare arm. “I love you too, baby.”
Glancing to Levi, I nodded my head, making sure he was ready. Mustering up some courage from deep within, my fifteen-year-old little brother nodded back in response. He was ready.
Another gust of wind drifted through the enclosed bridge, and I closed my eyes and sighed happily. I know you’re there, Mamma. I feel you with us.
Opening my eyes, I leaned forward and, on the count of three, let my mamma’s ashes fall into the river below.
As the urn emptied, I dropped it into the depths of the Arno and held my breath, watching as Chiara Carillo danced free in the breeze.
Exhaling softly, feeling the love of both Levi and Lexi beside me, I whispered, “Benvenuta a casa, Mamma. Benvenuta a casa.”
Welcome home, Mamma, welcome home.
Epilogue
Lexi
Honolulu, Hawaii
Two years later…
Dear Daisy,
Weight: N/A
Calories: N/A
Today is my wedding day.
Can you believe it?
Here in this tropical paradise, it’s my wedding day. And I wish more than anything that you could’ve been here, at my side, joining in the happiness.
I have come so far in the last couple of years. I have no fear, no trepidation as I sit here on the window seat, looking out onto the sandy white beach.
I feel strong, revived, but more importantly, I feel beautiful. I never thought that would ever be possible. But I do. I feel truly beautiful. I feel beautiful with Austin. I feel truly beautiful with him… within myself.
The voice is still with me. I know he will never leave. But today, all I hear is a peaceful silence from my mind and the wonderful soft lullaby of the birdsong drifting in from outside my room.
I’ve never had such peace.
My journey with you has been hard and long and, more than I’d like, full of grief. But today, surrounded by my closest friends and family, I feel joyful and happy that this is my life.
I now understand that unless you have traveled an uneasy road, you fail to appreciate what is truly important. For me, this is accepting myself, flaws and all. But it’s also love. Being completely, head over heels in love with the person who, despite it all, makes you feel like the most beautiful girl on Earth.
I know after today, I will never be alone with my fears. I know after today, my heart will be complete, joined eternally to the only man who has ever known how to love me in the way I needed to be loved.
He saved me. I saved him.
And he has made me the happiest woman alive.
I once vowed that I would never fall again. But today, I fall willingly.
I have fallen hopelessly in love with the Italian tattooed bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks. And I fall into his protective, open arms with one hundred percent abandon.
Tonight officially marks the beginning of my beautiful new life.
My imperfectly perfect ever after.
And tonight, under the burnt-orange glow of the Hawaiian sunset, on the white powdered beach, and against the sounds of the rippling blue sea, I will cherish the sweetest, most beautiful fall…
With Austin Carillo, my home.
~x~ The End ~x~
~x~ The Beginning ~x~
Sweet Home
At age twenty, Molly Shakespeare knows a lot.
She knows Descartes and Kant.
She knows academia and Oxford.
She knows that the people who love you leave you.
She knows how to be alone.
But when Molly leaves England’s grey skies behind to start a new life at the University of Alabama, she finds that she has a lot to learn—she didn’t know a summer could be so hot, she didn’t know students could be so intimidating, and she certainly didn’t know just how much the folks of Alabama love their football.
When a chance encounter with notorious star quarterba
ck, Romeo Prince, leaves her unable to think of anything but his chocolate-brown eyes, dirty-blond hair and perfect physique, Molly soon realises that her quiet, solitary life is about to dramatically change forever…
New Adult/Contemporary Romance novel—contains adult content, sexual situations and mature topics. Suited for ages 18 and up.
Available now.
Sweet Fall Playlist
Andrea Bocelli — Ave Maria
Halestorm — Beautiful With You
Maria Mena — Eyesore
Linkin Park — Numb
Lacuna Coil — Within Me
Clare Bowen — Falling
Nightwish — Sleeping Sun
Within Temptation — All I need
Florence and the Machine — Shake it Out
Eminem — Beautiful
Fears — Blood on These Walls
Maria Mena — Where Were You
Christina Perri — Human
Kate Rusby — Falling
Bats For Lashes — Moon & Moon
Coldplay — Sky Full of Stars
Mena Maria — It Must Have Been Love
Thirty Seconds to Mars — Kings and Queens
Little Big Town — Night Owl
Alanis Morissette — That I Would Be Good
Maria Mena — Secrets
Marianas Trench — Ever After
The Band Perry — If I Die Young
Silverchair — Ana’s Song (Open Fire)
To listen to the playlist, please follow the link to my website: