Slowly she sat up and opened the drawer of the nightstand beside her bed. There on top was an old copy of the Bloomington paper, and on the front page was a photo of Katy and Dayne—taken back when they first met, when they worked on a movie together. They looked like they were in Arizona, or on some desert scene. Dayne was clearly caught up in the moment, and Katy was smiling at him.
Wasn’t that all she ever wanted? Taz was supposed to be like Dayne Matthews, and she was supposed to be like Katy Hart—the way Katy had been back when this picture was taken. Andi stared at the photo, studying it.
Why couldn’t that be her? Smiling and beautiful and sure that all of life would turn out okay? Back before she started dating Taz and hacked her hair off and dyed it dark, people would sometimes tell her she looked like Katy Hart Matthews. Her long blonde hair and tan skin, the way she lit up a room or brought a scene to life. But Taz…Taz never was anything like Dayne. He’d made a mockery of God and her faith. Andi was at fault from the beginning for not seeing that he was the wrong guy for her.
Because of that, she would never be part of a scene like the one on the front page of the paper. What Katy and Dayne shared, she would never know. Whether she had an abortion or not. She tucked the newspaper back in the drawer and lay down on her side again. Bailey would come back soon enough, and she wanted to be asleep when that happened. Her friend meant well, but they no longer had anything in common. If anyone had a chance at living the storybook life of Katy and Dayne, it was Bailey Flanigan. She didn’t want to talk to Bailey or her parents ever again. The three of them made her feel cheap and guilty and dirty.
Andi closed her eyes, and gradually an idea came to her, another way out. What if she moved away? She could board a bus and head for Indianapolis and start her own life. That way she could still have her baby, find a life for just the two of them. That way she wouldn’t embarrass her parents and herself. She could move where no one knew her name or who her parents were. She could make a way for herself, and her parents would have to let her go. She was an adult, after all.
The longer she thought about the idea, the better it seemed. She needed out before her parents got here. She could tell them she was taking a few classes at the campus an hour away in Indianapolis, staying with students there. And in time that’s just what she would do. Certainly she could find a room for rent, and once the baby was born, she could find a job. But then…who would hire her? And who would watch her baby? How could she finish school if she was working full-time and raising a child? Her head hurt, and every option seemed unimaginable. She closed her eyes and let sleep catch her. The answers would come in time. Until then she only wanted two things: Sleep.
And distance from Bailey Flanigan.
BAILEY SPOTTED TIM WAITING FOR HER outside the cafeteria. He had two coffees and he’d found a table surrounded by shady trees. The afternoon was warm and blue and summer was bursting all around them. Tim stood and hugged her as she walked up. “You look beautiful.”
“Really?” His comment caught her off guard. “That’s sweet.”
“It’s true.” They sat down opposite each other, and he pulled a piece of paper from his pocket and slid it across to her. “I found out more about New York. They’re holding two separate auditions. Non-equity first, then equity.”
“Hmmm.” Bailey looked at the paper. It was a copy of two different Back Stage ads. “I’m not sure how that works.”
“I wasn’t either, so I called. Equity, well that’s for Broadway people in the union. Anyone can go, but there’s a good chance we won’t get seen. We’d be last on the list after everyone in the union.”
“And the non-equity?”
“Like it says, that audition is for newcomers, people trying to break in. The good news is they’ll look at everyone.” He hesitated and made a face. “Bad news? Only a few people will be picked for next year’s shows. If that.”
The odds sounded astronomically against them. But before she could say so, she remembered her father’s words from a few weeks ago. Bailey, believe in yourself. You’re a beautiful singer and dancer. Someone has to be the next Broadway star—it might as well be you!
She nodded at Tim. “So which should we go to?”
“I’m leaning toward the non-equity audition.” He was holding another copy of the paper, and now he pursed his lips, concentrating on the information. “They’ll be looking for someone to wow them. Also, that audition comes first. If it doesn’t go well, we could always go back for the equity call.”
Bailey wanted to feel more enthused, but something caught her eye, and she turned in time to see Cody Coleman walk up. Her heart sank, and she felt her cheeks grow instantly hot. Tim followed her stare and saw who had caught her attention. He stayed seated and nodded in Cody’s direction. “Cody.” His enthusiasm fell off by half. “How are you?”
“Good.” Cody acknowledged Tim, but he quickly turned his attention back to Bailey. “Did you see Katy and Dayne on the front page?”
“I did. Dayne’s going to be great as a producer.”
“And their plans for Bloomington?” Cody seemed to try to include Tim in the conversation, but Tim looked distracted. Cody again focused on Bailey. “They could make it the Hollywood of the Midwest.”
Bailey’s heart thudded in her throat. What was happening to her? Here she was sitting with a boy who cared deeply for her and still Cody took her breath away.
Cody looked at Tim and then back at Bailey. “What’re you guys up to?”
“Talking about our New York audition.” Tim had never been arrogant or condescending. But right now he sounded like he was both. “Privately, if you don’t mind.”
Cody hesitated, and Bailey watched a quick flash of anger burn in his eyes. It passed quickly. “Sure.” The muscles in his jaw clenched a few times, but he nodded, taking a step back. “It’s cool.” He waved casually and began walking away. “See ya.”
“Later.” Tim sounded glad Cody was leaving.
“Bye.” Bailey was too caught off guard to say anything else. She wanted to ask whether things were okay with Cody’s mom. But clearly this wasn’t the time. She would call him later. When Cody was out of earshot, Bailey turned frustrated eyes toward Tim. “That was rude.”
“What?” He produced a blank expression. “We’re busy here, Bailey. I have voice in ten minutes.”
“So, you could’ve been cordial.”
“I was.” He rolled his eyes. “Come on, Bailey. The guy practically stalks you. He spends more time with you than I do.”
There it was. Bailey had wondered, and now she knew. Tim had seemed a little frustrated that Cody had hung out with the Flanigans last weekend, but the incident had passed. Until now.
Tim’s expression softened. He stretched his arm across the table and took hold of Bailey’s fingers. “I’m sorry. Really. He shouldn’t bug me.”
Bailey resisted her desire to turn and watch Cody walk away. She couldn’t do that, not now. She needed to focus on her boyfriend, needed to figure out why he even was her boyfriend. “You don’t have to worry about Cody. He doesn’t see me that way.”
Tim watched her for a long time, studying her. “What about you? How do you see him?”
Bailey wished she could smile and come up with a confident answer, something about how Tim shouldn’t be ridiculous because she could never see Cody as more than a good friend or a brother. But that would be a lie, so she studied the table instead.
“Bailey…look at me.” He waited, his tone patient this time.
She lifted her eyes, not sure what to say. Was this the conversation they needed to have, the one she’d been thinking about for months now? Was it finally time they break things off and figure out life on their own? At least for a while? “Tim…I don’t know.”
“It’s okay.” He should’ve been hurt or angry, because her silence was admitting the obvious. She had feelings for Cody. There was no denying that now, not for either of them. But instead Tim only looked straight to her heart
. “I understand you’re feeling confused. I’ve been busy, focused on finals and New York, sick with strep throat. I haven’t been the boyfriend you deserve. I’m sorry for that.”
Bailey felt dizzy. Why was he saying this? Couldn’t he see how torn she was?
“I want you to know something.” His attention was completely on her, his eyes shining with feelings he rarely expressed. “I love you. I’ll never love any girl like I love you. And whatever happens in New York, wherever the next few years take us, I’m going to marry you someday.”
“Tim, I—”
“I understand.” He gave her hand a tender squeeze. “Of course you have feelings for Cody. He’s been part of your family longer than me.” Tim seemed to gather his determination. “I need to treat you better. Then you’d have no doubts.”
He stood and came to her, easing her to her feet. “We’re perfect together. Our families and our passion for the stage.” He grinned and he looked more striking than he had in a long time. “We grew up with the same values and standards, Bailey. A guy like Cody Coleman?” Tim was trying to explain himself, but he was coming off arrogant again. “He could never be your type.” Tim brushed her cheek with his fingers. “Of course we’ll marry someday. Until then, I’ll be patient about Cody. I know he’s a friend.” Tim kissed her forehead softly.
Bailey wanted to feel swept off her feet. She swallowed, unable to swim in this sea of emotions. “I…I don’t know.”
Tim looked at the time on his cell phone. “I gotta go.” He touched her face, her hair. “Forgive me, okay? No one matters to me more than you.”
“Okay.” Bailey didn’t know what else to say. Tim hugged her, and then in a blur of motion he gathered his things and hurried off toward the parking lot.
Bailey dropped back to the chair and stared at her coffee. What in the world had just happened? Tim had basically told her he wasn’t threatened by Cody Coleman, and that he had every intention of marrying her. More than that, he’d dismissed any feelings she might have for Cody as little more than brotherly, because Tim—not Cody—had more in common with her. Their families and their pasts, their future interests.
It was a moment that should’ve swept Bailey off her feet, but it left her feeling swept under the table. Who but Tim Reed could say such romantic things and still come across unbearably self-righteous? As if she didn’t have a say in the situation at all. She covered her face with her hands and sat there, unmoving. Tim was absolutely wrong. The two of them were not destined to get married or share a future or even go on another date together.
He talked about her as if she were a neglected pet. A little more interest on his part and he’d be back in her good graces, the object of her devotion once more. She took a sip of coffee and sat back in her chair. How dare he treat Cody like that? She grabbed her cell phone from her bag and called Cody. It rang three times before his voicemail picked up. Bailey didn’t leave a message. She wanted to apologize for not being more vocal when Tim was rude to him, but she couldn’t do that on a recording.
For a long time she sat there, sipping her coffee and replaying the conversation with Tim, the awkward scene with Cody. As much as she disliked Tim for the way he’d acted, she disliked herself more. She’d doubted her feelings for Tim, and now she needed to make herself clear on the matter. She could no longer be his girlfriend. Whatever that meant for her and Cody was irrelevant. Tim was becoming someone she no longer wanted to spend time with.
She would talk to her mom about her feelings tonight. After that it was time to let Tim know. Then he could move on and find a girl who would be right for him. She had no idea who that girl might be, but she suddenly and certainly knew one thing.
It wasn’t her.
Thirteen
ASHLEY BAXTER HURRIED AROUND THE KITCHEN with Janessa on her hip. Brooke wasn’t able to make her shift at Sarah’s House, which meant Ashley needed to be there. An appointment was coming in, a girl Brooke was worried about. Apparently she’d already contacted an abortion clinic.
The day had already been planned. Janessa would nap in an hour and Ashley would work on her latest painting. But that was the thrill of life. Rarely did things go exactly according to a schedule. Landon had the day off, but he’d been lost beneath their family van for the past half hour, changing the oil, and he had a list of things to do around the house after that. Ashley didn’t have the heart to tell him he needed to watch Janessa. Whatever Ashley did that day, Janessa could come along.
She rinsed the dishes in the sink with one hand and loaded them into the dishwasher.
“Down.” Janessa stretched toward the floor, both hands out-reached.
“Not yet.” Ashley kissed her daughter’s cheek. “The floor has to dry. Otherwise your sockies will get wet.”
Janessa whimpered. “Down, Mama.”
Ashley searched for a distraction and found one in the plastic spoon standing in the jar by the stove. She grabbed it and handed it to her daughter. “Here, Nessa, play with this.”
Immediately, Janessa put the spoon into her mouth. She was almost two, and she was teething like crazy. Cutting her back molars. The spoon made her happy, and Ashley was able to go back to the dishes. She was still working over the sink when she felt someone come up behind her.
“Has anyone told you,” Landon’s voice was soft against her ear, “you have the most beautiful hair?”
Ashley stopped and leaned back against him, feeling the warmth of his body, the definition in his chest. “Not lately.”
“Well, you do.” He nuzzled her neck. “Someone should tell you more often.” He grabbed a paper towel and wiped a few grease spots off his forehead. “One oil change completed.”
“Thanks.” She took the paper towel from him and tossed it in the trash. “You spoil me.”
At the same time Janessa bopped Landon on the head with the plastic spoon. “Oops.” Ashley laughed a little. “Sorry.” She took the spoon from their little girl and set her down on the floor. “All dry. You can run around now.”
Janessa giggled and hurried across the floor and back again, thrilled to be free.
“You’re painting, right?” Landon poured a glass of water and leaned against the counter, clearly admiring her.
“Not anymore.” She loaded the last of the dishes and gave him a lopsided grin. “Brooke needs me at the clinic. Something came up and she can’t be there.” Ashley had taken a night class and learned how to operate the ultrasound machine. That way they could meet the needs of more girls, and maybe play a part in saving more babies. “I guess someone’s coming in. Brooke said she sounded really upset.”
Landon stooped down and swept Janessa into his arms. The little girl’s laughter sounded like silvery wind chimes. Ashley stopped what she was doing and watched the two of them together. She would never take for granted a minute of her time with Janessa Faith. After losing Sarah, Janessa was an unexpected gift. The daughter Ashley felt sure she’d never have. She was doted on by everyone in the family—her brothers and her daddy most of all.
Janessa’s laughter rang through the kitchen again. “Daddy…down!”
“Okay, little wanderer.” He kissed her head and set her back on the floor.
She ran into the living room and found her pacifier on the table. They’d been trying to break her of it, but this close to naptime neither of them was going to take it from her. She popped it in her mouth and sat down on the kitchen floor, her back against Landon’s legs. He looked down at her and tousled her wispy brown hair. “She looks just like you, Ash.”
“That’s what my dad says.”
“It’s true.” He met her eyes, and the moment took on a deeper feel to it. “You and your mother. Her expressions sometimes remind me of your mom.”
Ashley dried her hands and hung the dish towel back on the stove. As she did, she studied their daughter. “I see it too. I think Mom must be very proud of her. From her window in heaven.”
“She must be proud of all her grandkids. They’re
growing up so fast.” He eased his leg free of Janessa and circled his arms around Ashley’s waist. “I’ll watch her. I can do the work around here later.”
“That’s okay. She can come with me. I might stop by Sunset Hills.”
“They’d love her.” His smile made him look boyish, the way he’d looked when she first met him. “Sounds like you have it figured out.”
They talked for a few more minutes, and then Landon returned to the garage. Ashley cleaned up and found Janessa’s shoes. A few minutes later they were headed for Sunset Hills. Halfway there, Ashley made an impulsive turn and took a side trip to the cemetery. It was a beautiful day, the sort where she liked to stop and place flowers on the two graves that mattered most to her.
She parked as close as she could and then helped Janessa out of her car seat. Holding her daughter’s small hand, they crossed the quiet street to an empty field. Wild flowers grew there this time of year, and she gathered two small bundles.
“Pretty!” Janessa delicately touched the tips of the flowers. “Pretty flowers, Mama.”
“Yes, baby. They are pretty.”
They walked back to the cemetery, staying at Janessa’s littlegirl pace. When they reached the grave markers, Ashley bent down and put one handful of flowers on each. Then she dusted off the names. Elizabeth Baxter, and Sarah Blake. Her precious mother and firstborn daughter.
Ashley didn’t come here often, and never had she come with Janessa. But between the warm sunshiny morning and the happy heart of her two-year-old, it was impossible to feel very sad. At least her mom and daughter were together, waiting for the rest of the family to join them.
She didn’t linger, but rather lifted Janessa onto her hip and prayed out loud. “God, thank You for giving us time to remember.” Then she lifted her eyes to the blue sky. “Tell my mom and little Sarah we miss them. We always will.”
Janessa couldn’t possibly understand what was happening, let alone where they were. But she rested her head on Ashley’s shoulder and stuck her fingers in her mouth. As if she somehow knew there was something sacred about the moment. Ashley nuzzled her cheek against Janessa’s and walked her back to the van. One day she would explain to Janessa about her grandmother and her sister—how their deaths had come too early. But how the number of days in their lives hadn’t mattered nearly as much as the life in their days.