The words slammed into me. My brain seemed to cloud over. I wasn’t sure what I thought or what I should say. I could feel Noah shifting uneasily beneath me, while his fingers rubbed the skin on my arm nervously, waiting for my answer. I had actually imagined myself dressed like the Amish girls, going to bed with him each night and even carrying his baby around. But now, with the possibility of that reality looming on the horizon—for real—I was suddenly paralyzed with fear.
He must not have been able to wait any longer. “Rose…please…tell me what you’re thinking. Will you do it? Will you become Amish so that we can be together?” Pausing just a second, he went on with enthusiasm, “Just think of it. Every night I could hold you in my arms just like this, and no one would be able to keep us apart.”
Even in the thick darkness, I could picture his tortured face as he pleaded with me. But still I was torn.
“Why don’t you become English, Noah? Wouldn’t that work, too?” I countered.
His voice came out frosty, and I was sure he was grimacing. “No, that wouldn’t work for us. I wouldn’t have the ability to support you and our family in your world.”
“Couldn’t you go back to school? You’re supersmart—we could even go together. Think about how cool that would be,” I suggested.
Dashing my little illusion, he said, “I’m not going to an English school now. I’m too old for that, and besides, I don’t need to. My family’s business makes very good money and we could live comfortably. What’s the problem, Rose? Is it that you don’t want to miss out on driving a car or going to your rock concerts? Or maybe you can’t stand the thought of never being able to dance for all the English men again.”
That did it. The fury billowed up in me, and I couldn’t stop my hand from pulling free of his grasp. I smacked him hard on the side of his face. The sound seemed to echo across the loft. I immediately wished I could take it back when I realized that he might have a bigger mark on his face than I’d have on my neck. How would he explain that to his father?
Right when I anxiously squeaked, “I’m so sorry, Noah, I didn’t—” He grasped the hand that had been the weapon and pinned it down to the hay.
Through gritted teeth, he said, “Maybe what I said struck too close to home for you—is that it?”
Wincing at his words, I tried to move. Failing, I said helplessly, “Why are you being so mean to me, Noah? You’re asking me to give up my education, my family and my entire way of life. I’m only sixteen, for goodness’ sake. How could I decide that in just the blink of an eye?”
He continued to hold my hand and body uncomfortably tight. Even without seeing his face I could sense that a battle was raging inside him. Then without warning, he released his grip and brought his hands to my face with a softness that erased the memory of the discomfort. He stroked away the tears that had begun trickling down my cheeks, then brought his mouth along each line of wetness and kissed them, tasting the salty water with his tongue.
Mumbling, his face only inches from mine, his voice sounded pained when he said, “I’m sorry, Rose. I deserved your slap—I really did. It’s just that I love you so much, and I can’t begin to think of my world without you in it. I was so frightened when you didn’t immediately agree to become Amish. I just felt that if you really loved me, you’d give up your English life so we could be together.”
“I do love you. With all my heart I love you.” And I leaned into him, letting my mouth find his. I kissed him deeply, trying to prove that my words were true. My head was spinning out of control, and I was suddenly filled with indecision. With a gasp, I separated from him and tried to pull back, but he held me tight. I struggled with him until the words tumbled out of my mouth.
“Please, Noah—stop, I need some time to think this all out.”
He released me then and sighed with resignation. “We don’t have much time. Remember, I’ll be in Pennsylvania next week.”
Lifting my body and gently setting me on the hay, he climbed down the bales, walking away from me into the spot where the moonlight was shimmering through a window opening. I could finally see him, and I saw torture, anger, frustration and sadness all distorting his beautiful face. I couldn’t stop myself from jumping off the hay and running to him. I clung to his waist, burning, hot tears running freely over me and his shirt. He tried to act indifferent for a few seconds, but then his arms encircled me. I felt his warm strength holding me again.
Raising my chin with his finger, he told me in a hoarse voice, “You have to make a decision soon. I can’t live this way—not knowing what you really want. You have the power to keep us together. It’s all up to you now.”
With that, he leaned down and kissed me so softly it felt like a butterfly’s wings caressing my lips.
The roar of Sam’s truck pulling into the driveway made us both freeze in place, waiting. I heard the truck door open and slam shut and then a few seconds later the house door, as well.
“Boy, he’s keeping late hours,” Noah muttered.
“Yeah, he has a new girlfriend. I guess he was trying her out tonight.”
“You shouldn’t talk that way. It’s not very ladylike,” he reprimanded me.
Feeling slightly miffed, I said, “Well, it’s true.”
“And your father is okay with him staying out all night with his girlfriend?”
“I think Dad is too busy with his own woman to give Sam’s curfew much thought these days,” I said matter-of-factly.
“See what I mean about your society, Rose—there are no morals about such things. It’s disgusting.”
Anger boiled up in me again and I shot back, “Well, at least my dad doesn’t lock us up in our rooms and threaten to send us away to other states to get us hooked up with people we aren’t even interested in.” Life had come full circle in the past few days. Now I was sticking up for Dad.
In the pale moonlight, I could see that my words had stung him. His lips were pressed tight, and I thought I could hear his teeth grinding. I didn’t want to part like this, with him hating me, but I was afraid to say anything else to him, fearing he’d rebuff me.
I didn’t need to worry, though. He bent down, and after lightly grasping my face in his hands, he kissed my forehead. The next second he was gone, heading down the steps, leaving me alone in the loft.
I hurried after him, just catching his arm in the doorway.
“When do you want to meet again?”
His eyes searched the darkness and he took a breath. “Tuesday—same time. And remember, Rose, I need an answer.”
He turned, and I watched him make his way through the moonlit hay field, moving slowly toward his prison cell. I didn’t move a muscle until he was completely out of sight. A shiver fluttered through me and I didn’t want to be standing there alone in the dark barnyard. Suddenly, finding my muscles, I whirled and ran to the house. Going through the doorway as quietly as a mouse, I tiptoed across the unlit kitchen—and smacked into a hard, unmovable object. Crap.
Rubbing my nose, I waited for the light to go on. When it did, I was momentarily blinded, having to cover my eyes with my hands for a few seconds before I could start to blink. When I could finally see again, I wasn’t surprised to find Sam standing there, a glass of milk in hand. At that moment, I remembered the one factor I forgot to consider in all my hard-thought plans—that Sam would have a snack before he went to bed, even if it was three o’clock in the morning.
“Where the hell were you, sissy?” I actually stepped back, surprised by his words.
Defiantly, and hopefully sounding less intimidated than I actually was at the moment, I retaliated, “What about you, Sam? Where’ve you been all night?”
“That’s none of your business,” he shouted.
“Well, it’s none of your business where I was either.” I bravely stared him down.
With an exasperated sigh, he bellowed, “It’s not the same with girls. You’re the one who could get knocked up or kidnapped or something horrible like that. I, on t
he other hand, don’t have to worry about any of those things.”
Okay, my boyfriend was from the 1800s, but my brother lived in the Dark Ages. There was no talking to him about any of this. He was acting more like my father than my brother, and I didn’t like his role-playing one bit. I tried to walk by him, when his arm whipped out. Once again, he had my arm in a tight grip.
“Well, what do we have here?” He poked at my neck with his hard finger. I absently jerked my hand up to cover the spot, silently cursing Noah.
“Leave me alone, Sam,” I warned him with the most threatening look I could put on my face.
He wasn’t impressed, simply snorting and letting my arm go. Before he let me pass, he said in a steely voice, “You had better not be thinking about sneaking out again to meet Noah—I’ll be watching you.” He brought his two fingers to his eyes and back at me threateningly.
“Why do you even care, Sam?” I demanded.
“Because, Rose, someone has to keep you from destroying your life. It looks like I’ve inherited the job since Mom’s dead and Dad’s going through a midlife crisis.”
I pushed at him, and when he finally moved aside, I blasted past him and up to my room. Before I shut the door, I heard him call up the stairs, “It’s for your own good.”
That made me slam the door hard, and I didn’t even bother to change before sliding under the covers. What should I tell Noah on Tuesday? I definitely loved him, I knew that for sure, but was that love strong enough to give up everything for? And if I didn’t become Amish to be with Noah, could I live without him? Would I ever meet someone else I wanted to be with as much as him? And then, could I handle the thought of him marrying another woman or even worse, making love to her? Because that’s what would happen if I told him no; he’d be forced to pick someone else, maybe even Ella, and I’d have to stand by and watch.
I knew Noah had it tough, but not as tough as me. He’d already made up his mind, and he was just waiting for me now. An hour later, when my eyes finally blacked out, I was no closer to making a decision.
16
Noah
Waiting
THE LATE-AFTERNOON SUN made the room stuffy. But the boredom was the worst part of my confinement. At least if I was working with the crew, I’d have distractions to keep my mind occupied, but I didn’t even have that option.
Smacking the Bible onto the bed, I leaned back against the pillow, closing my eyes. Instantly, Rose was with me. Her blue eyes sparkled and her mouth turned up playfully. The imagined look affected me as surely as if she really were there, my groin heating at the seductive smile.
Popping my eyes back open, I sighed irritably. Father thought he was reforming me by keeping the door locked and providing only a Bible for my entertainment. But he’d obviously not considered my thoughts and the daydreams that would plague me every minute—making me even more convinced that I was meant to be with Rose and no other. There wasn’t an Amish girl here or in any other state that could take her place in my heart. I loved her.
Father wouldn’t hear any of it, though. A dark shadow crept across his face each time I mentioned Rose’s name. He’d silence me with squinted eyes and his hand raised high to the ceiling. Then he’d begin reading from the Bible again.
Since the telling of the story about his own wayward romance hadn’t changed my mind about Rose, Father became angrier with me, spending what seemed like hours each day reciting passages from Scripture. His voice boomed in the small room, the words mixing together to leave my mind foggy and tired. Exhausted was a better way to describe my feelings.
I finally realized that the only way I’d get any peace from the man was to act as if his biblical assault was beginning to work. I began dribbling lies from my mouth to convince Father that I was becoming contrite. It came easy enough. Accepting that within days I might move to Pennsylvania to live with my grandparents and begin a new, less rebellious time in my life was hardly a thought in my mind.
Rose loved me as much as I loved her—I was certain of it. Surely, she would pick a life with me.
The rapping on the door startled me. Glancing at the pocket watch on the dresser confused me even more. Father should still be at work.
Hearing the lock jiggling, I remembered that the knock was just a formality and my mood soured instantly.
The door opened wide, revealing that it was Jacob and not Father. Seeing the frown on my big brother’s face made me realize that he wasn’t a great alternative to our uptight father for a visit.
My words reflected my surliness. “What do you want?”
Jacob let out a sigh of his own irritation and sat down on the end of the bed. He stared at me for some uncomfortable seconds before he finally spoke in a subdued voice.
“Has your confinement not changed your mind at all about the girl, Noah? Are you really willing to lose everything to chase after something that you can never have?”
I stood up in a flash, and looking down at Jacob’s wide eyes, I said, “I can have her. It can work for us—I know it can.”
Seeing Jacob softly shake his head stirred my anger even more.
“Oh, you could run away with the girl and enjoy your time together for a while maybe, but Father is right. You will not be able to hold on to her. She is from a different world than us, Noah. And you wouldn’t be happy in that world.”
I sighed, shaking my head. Why were the people in my family so deaf to my own words? I had already explained to Father and Mother that I believed Rose would join our community and live our ways. I was certain that Jacob knew this—but still, he acted as if that wasn’t even an option.
Leaning against the windowsill, I watched the black-and-white colt rear up and strike out at one of the older buggy horses in the pasture. The little rascal was attempting to get the aged horse to join in some play. The colt was unsuccessful, though, when the other horse turned its rump to him, laying its ears flat against its head. Not willing to show his defeat, the colt kicked out his hind legs and lurched into a canter across the field, scattering Rumor and Jacob’s new team of Belgians.
I smiled. The colt was another reminder of Rose.
When I turned back to Jacob, I felt calmer. I caught the slight rise of Jacob’s eyebrow when I spoke with controlled smoothness of my voice. “It really is no concern of yours, brother. You have your own life to live—so leave me to mine.”
“You really do love this girl, don’t you?” He ran his hands through his hair and slouched down on the bed in defeat. “I thought that you were just being stubborn, not wanting Father telling you what to do…but the look on your face says differently.”
His eyes rose and met mine. “What will you do, Noah, if she is not willing to convert? Will you leave us to be with her?”
The anxious look in Jacob’s eyes and the crack in his voice affected me more than I cared to admit, even to myself. The thought of leaving my family, friends and community was not something that I wanted to do. But the difference between leaving all of them was that I would survive it.
I couldn’t live without Rose in my life.
“I don’t think I’ll have to make that decision, Jacob.”
He stared at me. The sympathy shining from his eyes told me that he didn’t agree.
He rose from the bed and in two strides reached me at the window. Jacob slapped his arms around me awkwardly for a few seconds before he broke away and headed for the door.
“I’ll be praying that it works out for you. And if you need to talk, just let me know. I’m here for you, Noah—we all are.”
He didn’t wait for me to answer; his hand was on the door and he was through. A second later the jiggling of the lock could be heard again.
If he was really on my side, he’d have left the door unlocked, my mind said, but my heart knew better. Jacob was just following orders—the way I probably would have done if the tables were turned.
I settled back onto the bed remembering the expression of sympathy on my brother’s face. What if he was r
ight about Rose?
No. She would pick me. She had to.
17
Rose
Family Ties
I PEERED INTO the family room to see Dad sitting on his comfy chair with a pile of papers strewn on the floor beside him and his laptop open and resting against his knees. The sound was lowered, but the pop, pops of gunshots could still be heard coming from the TV, as Justin sat before it, an Xbox control nimbly between his fingers.
They were both so ridiculously oblivious to the drama in my life that if I weren’t so torn apart inside, the scene would have made me laugh. If Sam had been occupying the couch, I would have gone back to my room, but since he was off somewhere with his new buddies, I stepped softly through the doorway, seating myself in the chair in the corner.