Several minutes passed. I stared alternately between Dad and Justin, watching how engrossed each was in their technology, completely unaware of my presence. Agitation pricked at me until the sensation began to feel like needles poking sharply into my skin. I cleared my throat loudly—twice—before Dad’s head rose.
The lift of his eyebrows and the patient smile that spread on his lips as he shut his laptop and focused on me completely told me that he was all too happy to accept the obvious flapping of my white flag. Truce—the word left a sour taste in my mouth, but it was proving difficult to completely ignore the man who’d fathered me. At some point I’d have to talk to him about something, so why not start now? Besides, it wasn’t as if I was forgiving him. I was only trying to make my life a little less difficult.
But as I gazed over at Justin, who never did look up from his game, I wondered exactly what I should say to Dad. He was pretty perceptive and I certainly didn’t want him knowing about Noah’s request for me to become Amish so that we could be together. It would not be good for him to have any idea that I was even contemplating it. Heck, at this point, I didn’t know myself what I was going to do.
Dad’s voice spread the fog that had been pressing on my mind. “I’d like to take you and Sam to the high school next week to tour the facility and speak with a guidance counselor about your classes for the fall semester.” He added with a more careful tone to his voice, “How does that sound, Rosie?”
Facility? I was sure that word didn’t apply to the little country school I’d be attending, and I held in a snort. It wouldn’t help the conversation if I was rude. And if I decided to become Amish, I might never even see the inside of the high school anyway.
“Hmm?” The rolling trill coming from Dad’s throat lifted my eyes to him.
“I, ah…yeah, that’s sounds fine,” I stammered out.
“Good. I’ll make a call this afternoon and get the ball rolling.” The excitement in his voice seemed to bounce off the walls and I suddenly felt guilty—something I wasn’t used to.
I shook off the coolness that had swept through me and said, “Dad, why do you think the Amish people live the way they do?”
Dad didn’t take much time to think about what probably seemed like a random question, replying, “Well, I believe a part of it is that they truly enjoy a simpler lifestyle. Even I can understand the attraction of not having a cell phone constantly vibrating in your pocket, or being bombarded by the distractions of the TV and computers taking away the little time we have to spend with our loved ones.”
I nodded, wanting to get past the obvious. “Yeah, but what’s the other part?”
Dad sighed and I leaned in closer, knowing that he was about to get to the heart of the matter.
“It seems to me that if you’re raised in such a community with a lack of opportunity for education or meeting people from the outside, you’d be hard-pressed to escape the lifestyle once born into it.”
“Escape? You make it sound like it’s a terrible thing or something,” I retorted, bristling at his words and not really understanding why.
“Knowledge is the most powerful and freeing thing in the world, Rosie. Think about it—if everyone were Old Order Amish, then there wouldn’t be any doctors, engineers or scientists. On a very basic level, a person’s quality of life would diminish greatly.”
Before I had the chance to interrupt, he pressed on with more enthusiasm. “For instance, in the nineteenth century it was common to have large families since there was a strong likelihood that some of the children wouldn’t grow to adulthood, and there was so much labor involved in just surviving that it made sense to have ten kids. Now, however, the Amish are still having nine, ten, even a dozen babies, but they’re all surviving to adulthood.”
“Ah, so—why does that matter?”
“Well, that’s one of the reasons that their numbers are growing so rapidly, but the point that I’m trying to make is that even though these people might think that they’re living their lives away from the technology that they so adamantly spurn, in actuality, they are benefiting from it on a daily basis. They can’t truly escape the modern world.”
“But why do you think that they are so strict about everything, having all those rules?” I asked, getting closer to all my worries.
“For control—plain and simple. In order to make the society work, the group of people involved must adhere to a set of rules or the community breaks down. The children are conditioned at a very young age to follow the rules and be obedient to the ideas that the community has agreed to. From what I’ve heard, if a youngster were to question the authority and become rebellious, the elders would remove him or her from the church by the act of shunning.”
Just the sound of the word shunning caused my body to tense.
“What exactly does that mean, Dad?” I asked, although I already had a strong notion about it.
“I don’t know the particulars, but I surmise that when a person is shunned, he’s forbidden from involvement with the church members and his family ever again.”
I regretted the rise in my voice but couldn’t help it when I blurted out, “His family? A person who’s shunned can never see his family?”
“Oh, I don’t know how far it goes, but I have the understanding that family members have very limited contact with a shunned person.” Dad paused, and as if a lightbulb popped on in his head, his eyes narrowed slightly and he stared at me.
“Why all the interest in the Amish punishment system, Rosie?”
I slowed my breathing and took a small breath. Dad would have to wait until I made my decision. He couldn’t find out now about my real curiosity in this culture…not yet. I’d be the one shipped off, probably to Cincinnati, if he discovered what was going on between me and Noah.
When I glanced back at him, my heart skipped a beat. He was focused on me like a bird of prey on a mouse scurrying in the grass. Dad knew something was up.
Frantically, I searched my mind for a believable comeback, when amazingly Justin came out of his gamer haze and saved me.
“Do you have any batteries, Rose? My remote’s dry,” Justin said with just a slight hint of a smile that Dad couldn’t see.
I bounded off the chair. “Yeah, sure—they’re up in my room.”
Justin joined me at the doorway, but before I got a foot across the threshold, Dad said, “I’d like to continue our discussion later, Rosie.”
I slowed just enough to look over my shoulder and say, “Oh…all right. Later, okay?”
Dad sighed. He wouldn’t push me too hard. Not so soon after the whole “getting caught with a strange woman in the house” thing.
“That’ll be fine.”
Justin stayed on my heels until we were safely behind my closed bedroom door. When the latch clicked, I leaned against the heavy wood, blowing the air out in relief.
“Brilliant, Justin. That was perfect timing.” I swept a few stray hairs away from my eyes and watched my little brother settle onto the end of my bed. When he looked up, I said softly, “Thanks.”
He shrugged. “No problem. Maybe you can pay the favor back sometime?”
“Sure, anytime.”
“So, why were you asking Dad all those dumb questions about those people anyway?” Justin tilted his head. At that instant, he looked a whole lot like Sam, and I had to hold in an obnoxious reply, telling myself that he wasn’t the nosy brother.
“I didn’t think you were even paying attention.”
“Hah. You all underestimate me. I’m always paying attention.” The left side of his mouth raised and his eyes twinkled.
Hmm, Justin may turn out to be more trouble than Sam someday.
“What, is it some gamer thing to be able to split your attention between things?” I said, crossing the room and dropping down onto the bed beside him.
“Yep, but don’t change the subject. You know, I’m not a little kid anymore. You can tell me what’s going on.”
I studied Justin’s
face, seeing that what he said was true—he wasn’t little anymore. And he’d always been more easygoing about things than Sam was. Maybe I could trust him…
“You can’t breathe a word of this to anyone—definitely not Sam. Do I have your word?”
He silently crossed his hand over his heart.
“Okay, then.” I stared at the door while I said, “Noah wants me to become Amish so that we can be together. He doesn’t think he can make it in our world—that his is a better place for us to be a family.”
I glanced at him to see his eyes widen for a second, followed by a snorting sound that was very uncharacteristic of my little brother.
When he recovered, he said, “What are you going to do?”
The tears welled in my eyes and I sniffed them back in, wiping the wetness away with my hand. The fact that Justin hadn’t said a word about how crazy the whole thing was or try to tell me what I should do touched my soul. He would never judge me harshly. Justin would love me no matter what decision I made.
And suddenly that fact made my choice even more difficult. Could I really live without my own family?
“I don’t know what to do, Justin. I just don’t know.” I leaned my head against his shoulder, letting the drops of moisture from my eyes wet his shirt. He patted my knee, but otherwise said nothing at all.
He didn’t need to speak. Just being there was enough. I was the one whose life would forever be changed by whatever path I took.
And neither one would be easy.
18
Noah
Expectations
I WATCHED THE bat flutter in the moonlight on light wings until it escaped out the window near the stairway. I was alone again, left with my embittered thoughts in the darkness of the hayloft. It hadn’t been gloomy yesterday when Rose was here with me. The entire loft seemed to suddenly glow when she appeared. Even though I was planning to be reserved during the encounter, I couldn’t help going to her and wrapping her in my arms.
And as usual, her warm, sweet body was all too receptive. Surely we were meant to be together. How could we both feel such intense emotions toward each other if we weren’t destined to be man and wife?
But now my entire life rested on her shoulders, and the feeling of helplessness overwhelmed me. What would she decide? Would Father and Mother be right after all? Maybe Rose wouldn’t be willing to leave her cushy existence to be with me. A part of me could hardly blame her for it, if that’s what she decided. Amish women worked much harder than ordinary English women. She would also go from the freedom of being able to do just about anything she wanted, to a strict set of rules to follow and live by. Hell, I didn’t even know if Rose could follow rules, even if she was willing to become Amish.
She was so irritatingly stubborn and outspoken. Last night was the first time I’d felt real anger toward her. I wanted to grip her shoulders and shake some sense into her, make her understand that the best thing for both of us would be if she became Amish. But as much as I wanted to do it, I couldn’t physically force her to submit to me. And if she wasn’t willing to become Amish to be with me, then what good would it do for me to run off and be English with her? In the English world, there would be so many forces at work to make our relationship more difficult. Like her going off places whenever she wanted to or dressing in her tight clothing. I couldn’t deal with all that. I didn’t want to. I knew, deep down, that leaving my community would be a disaster for the two of us.
Another idea had briefly penetrated my brain—getting her with child. My folks and her dad would be forced to allow us to marry. But Rose probably wasn’t ready for a baby yet, and besides, it would have to be a decision that we made together.
Thoughts raced through my mind while I sat on the hay bale waiting for her to show up and tell me what my future was going to be. And damn, it was hard just sitting there waiting. I arrived an hour early, too strung up to lie in bed a minute longer. I was extremely paranoid as I made my way out of the house and through the damp field earlier.
I noticed Sam’s truck was in the driveway, but Dr. Cameron’s car was missing. What if she couldn’t get past Sam to come to the barn? I sighed. I’d just have to go in after her. There was no way I was leaving tonight without an answer. Whether it was good or bad, I needed to know.
The shuffling on the stairway warned me she was coming up, and my heart started to race uncontrollably. I held my breath waiting for her to step into the moonlight. When she did, I was struck with how young and fragile she looked, standing there timid and alone, like a deer who’d picked up the scent of the hunter. She was frozen in fear.
Again, unable to resist her, I leaped from the hay and closed the distance swiftly. Within a second, she was in my arms, where she belonged. I held her like that in a tight embrace for some time before her sniffling told me she was crying again.
She did an awful lot of crying, I reckoned. I wondered if that would change once we were married. The direction my mind had immediately gone made me breathe out suddenly. I smiled at my confidence in her decision now that I had a hold of her. Hearing the noise, she leaned back to look up at me.
Her little face was wet with tears and her hair was a mess. Still, she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Without any thought, I dropped my head and kissed her swollen lips. Her mouth parted and a gasp jumped from my throat as she slid her tongue into my mouth forcefully. We had really caught on to the whole kissing thing quickly. I was always stunned at how her mouth moving on mine made me feel.
I was almost lost to the pleasurable sensations once again, until that little voice in my head started pestering me about her decision. Breaking my mouth from hers, I quickly led her back to the hay, and into the darkness, guiding her up to the place we had sat the night before.
“Did you have any problem getting out of your house tonight?” That wasn’t the question I needed to ask, but I was warming up to it slowly.
“It was tricky—Sam is asleep on the couch with the TV on. I had to tiptoe by him, but I don’t think he’ll wake up.” Her voice sounded strange, guarded in a way. “What about you?” she asked in the same polite voice.
“Went like clockwork.”
I could feel her head bob up and down next to me. She hadn’t made any attempt to get in my lap, the way she usually did. I was feeling greater apprehension when I asked gently, “Rose…what have you decided?”
In a surprising huff she blurted out, “It’s not fair that I have to make this kind of choice before I’ve even entered my junior year of high school.”
With an angry sigh, I leaned back against the hay. She sounded as if she was throwing a temper tantrum about something she didn’t want to do. How was I going to convince her to do what I wanted when she was behaving like a child?
Struggling to stay patient with her, I said firmly, “You’re not a little kid. In a lot of cultures, you’d already be married with a baby in your arms by now.”
“Maybe in some primitive tribe in the middle of Africa—but not here in twenty-first-century America!” she contradicted icily.
“You forget, I don’t exactly live in the twenty-first century.” I laughed cynically into the darkness.
“Oh…yeah,” she breathed quietly.
She was really getting to me. I asked harshly, “What’s your decision?”
“Um—I’m not really sure yet…” Her voice trailed off.
“That’s not an answer,” I accused. In desperation, I decided to use all the tricks I had to tempt her into saying what I wanted to hear.
Leaning down, I softly caressed her jaw with my lips, wandering my mouth to the beating pulse of her neck and lingering there for a few seconds before working my way back up to her mouth. My actions were affecting me, too. I let the tingling sensations roll over me at the same time I tried to convince Rose that she belonged with me.
She was all too willing, and before I knew it, I had pushed her down on the hay and was pressing my body into her. I wanted to get closer, much closer. The c
razy thought I had earlier flashed into my mind. When she groaned into my mouth, I became suddenly aware that if I didn’t stop right then, there’d be no turning back. In an abrupt motion, I pulled away from her and sat up. I smiled when I heard her disappointed murmur, and reaching down, I lifted her up and onto my lap, where she belonged.
“That was nice.” She sighed peacefully.
I couldn’t stay angry with her for long. She always said the cutest things.
“You know, Rose, that’s the way it would be for us every night—if we were married.” She was my entire life, and I showed no mercy trying to get her to agree.
“I know. And that would be amazing for sure.”
“Then what’s the problem? Please tell me,” I begged.