CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
REPAIRS TO THE METROPOLIS, AND ENROLS HIMSELF AMONG THE SONS OF PAEAN.
Before this affair could be brought to a proper explanation, the seasonbeing almost ended, the ladies departed from Tunbridge, and in a littletime Doctor Fathom followed them to London, having previously obtainedpermission to visit them in that metropolis. He had solicited the samefavour of some other families, in which he hoped to take root, though heknew they were pre-engaged to different physicians; and resolving to makehis first medical appearance in London with some eclat, he not onlypurchased an old chariot, which was new painted for the purpose, butlikewise hired a footman, whom he clothed in laced livery, in order todistinguish himself from the common run of his brethren.
This equipage, though much more expensive than his finances could bear,he found absolutely necessary to give him a chance for employment; asevery shabby retainer to physic, in this capital, had provided himselfwith a vehicle, which was altogether used by way of a travellingsign-post, to draw in customers; so that a walking physician wasconsidered as an obscure pedlar, trudging from street to street, withhis pack of knowledge on his shoulders, and selling his remnants ofadvice by retail. A chariot was not now set up for the convenience of aman sinking under the fatigue of extensive practice, but as a piece offurniture every way as necessary as a large periwig with three tails; anda physician, let his merit, in other respects, be never so conspicuous,can no more expect to become considerable in business, without theassistance of this implement, than he can hope to live without food, orbreathe without a windpipe.
This requisite is so well understood, that, exclusive of those whoprofess themselves doctors, every raw surgeon, every idle apothecary, whocan make interest with some foolhardy coachmaker, may be seen dancing thebays in all places of public resort, and grinning to one another fromtheir respective carriages. Hence proceed many of those cruel accidentswhich are recorded in the daily papers. An apothecary's horses takefright, and run away with his chariot, which is heard of no more. Aneminent surgeon being overturned, is so terrified at the thoughts ofmutilation, that he resolves to walk on foot all the days of his life;and the coachman of a physician of great practice, having the misfortuneto be disabled by a fall from the box, his master can never find anotherto supply his place.
None of these observations escaped the penetrating eye of Fathom, who,before he pretended to seat himself in this machine, had made properinquiry into all the other methods practised, with a view to keep thewheels in motion. In his researches, he found that the great world waswholly engrossed by a few practitioners who had arrived at the summit ofreputation, consequently were no longer obliged to cultivate those artsby which they rose; and that the rest of the business was parcelled outinto small enclosures, occupied by different groups of personages, maleand female, who stood in rings, and tossed the ball from one to another,there being in each department two sets, the individuals of whichrelieved one another occasionally. Every knot was composed of awaiting-woman, nurse, apothecary, surgeon, and physician, and sometimesa midwife was admitted into the party; and in this manner the farce wascommonly performed.
A fine lady, fatigued with idleness, complains of the vapours, isdeprived of her rest, though not so sick as to have recourse to medicine.Her favourite maid, tired with giving her attendance in the night, thinksproper, for the benefit of her own repose, to complain of a violentheadache, and recommends to her mistress a nurse of approved tendernessand discretion; at whose house, in all likelihood, the said chambermaidhath oft given the rendezvous to a male friend. The nurse, well skilledin the mysteries of her occupation, persuades the patient, that hermalady, far from being slight or chimerical, may proceed to a verydangerous degree of the hysterical affection, unless it be nipt in thebud by some very effectual remedy. Then she recounts a surprising cureperformed by a certain apothecary, and appeals to the testimony of thewaiting-woman, who being the gossip of his wife, confirms the evidence,and corroborates the proposal. The apothecary being summoned, finds herladyship in such a delicate situation, that he declines prescribing, andadvises her to send for a physician without delay. The nomination ofcourse falls to him, and the doctor being called, declares the necessityof immediate venesection, which is accordingly performed by a surgeon ofthe association.
This is one way of beginning the game. Though the commencement oftenvaries, and sometimes the apothecary and sometimes the physician opensthe scene; but, be that as it will, they always appear in a string, likea flight of wild geese, and each confederacy maintains a correspondencewith one particular undertaker. Fathom, upon these considerations, setup his rest in the first floor of an apothecary in the neighbourhood ofCharing Cross, to whom he was introduced by a letter from a friend atTunbridge, and who being made acquainted with his ability and scheme,promised to let slip no opportunity of serving him; and, indeed, seemedto espouse his interest with great alacrity. He introduced him to someof his patients, on the strength of a gratis visit, sounded forth hispraise among all the good women of his acquaintance; and even prevailedupon him to publish advertisements, importing that he would every day, ata certain time and place, give his advice to the poor for nothing; hopingthat, by means of some lucky cure, his fame might be extended, and hispractice grow into request.
In the meantime his chariot rolled along through all the most frequentedstreets, during the whole forenoon, and, at the usual hour, he neverfailed to make his appearance at the medical coffee-house, with all thatsolemnity of feature and address, by which the modern sons of Paean aredistinguished; not but that he was often puzzled about the decision ofhis diurnal route. For the method of driving up one street and downanother, without halting, was become such a stale expedient, that thevery 'prentices used to stand at the shop doors, and ridicule the vainparade. At length, however, he perused the map of London with greatdiligence, and, having acquired a distinct idea of its topography, usedto alight at the end of long narrow thoroughfares and paved courts, wherethe chariot was ordered to wait till his return; and, walking with greatgravity through the different turnings of these alleys, regain hiscarriage by another passage, and resume his seat with an air of vastimportance. With a view to protract the time of his supposed visits,he would, at one place, turn aside to a wall; at another, cheapen anurinal; at a third corner, read a quack advertisement, or lounge a fewminutes in some bookseller's shop; and, lastly, glide into some obscurecoffee-house, and treat himself with a dram of usquebaugh.
The other means used to force a trade, such as ordering himself to becalled from church, alarming the neighbourhood with knocking at his doorin the night, receiving sudden messages in places of resort, andinserting his cures by way of news in the daily papers, had been soinjudiciously hackneyed by every desperate sculler in physic, that theyhad lost their effect upon the public, and therefore were excluded fromthe plan of our adventurer, whose scheme, for the present, was to exerthimself in winning the favour of those sage Sibyls, who keep, as it were,the temple of medicine, and admit the young priest to the service of thealtar; but this he considered as a temporary project only, until heshould have acquired interest enough to erect an hospital, lock, orinfirmary, by the voluntary subscription of his friends, a scheme whichhad succeeded to a miracle with many of the profession, who had raisedthemselves into notice upon the carcases of the poor.
Yet even this branch was already overstocked, insomuch that almost everystreet was furnished with one of these charitable receptacles, which,instead of diminishing the taxes for the maintenance of the poor,encouraged the vulgar to be idle and dissolute, by opening an asylum tothem and their families, from the diseases of poverty and intemperance.For it remains to be proved, that the parish rates are decreased, thebills of mortality lessened, the people more numerous, or the streetsless infested with beggars, notwithstanding the immense sums yearlygranted by individuals for the relief of the indigent.
But, waiving these reflections, Doctor Fathom hoped, that his landlordwould be a most useful impl
ement for extending his influence, and, forthat reason, admitted him into a degree of partnership, after being fullyconvinced that he was not under articles to any other physician.Nevertheless, he was very much mistaken in reckoning on the importance ofhis new ally, who was, like himself, a needy adventurer, settled uponcredit, and altogether unemployed, except among the very refuse of thepeople, whom no other person would take the trouble to attend. So thatour hero got little else than experience and trouble, excepting a fewguineas which he made shift to glean among sojourners, with whom hebecame occasionally acquainted, or young people, who had been unfortunatein their amours.
In the midst of these endeavours, he did not omit his duty to the oldgentlewoman, whose daughter he had cured at Tunbridge; and was alwaysreceived with particular complacency, which, perhaps, he, in somemeasure, owed to his genteel equipage, that gave credit to every doorbefore which it was seen; yet, Miss Biddy was as inaccessible as ever,while the mother became more and more warm in her civilities, till atlength, after having prepared him with some extraordinary compliments,she gave him to understand, that Biddy was no better than a giddy-headedgirl, far from being unexceptionable in her moral character, andparticularly deficient in duty and gratitude to her, who had been alwaysa tender and indulgent parent; she was therefore determined to punish theyoung minx for her levity and want of natural affection, by altering herown condition, could she find a worthy and agreeable man, on whom shecould bestow her hand and fortune without a blush.
The film was instantly removed from Fathom's eyes by this declaration,which she uttered with such a significancy of look, as thrilled to hissoul with joyful presage, while he replied, it would, indeed, be adifficult task to find a man who merited such happiness and honour; but,surely, some there were, who would task their faculties to the uttermost,in manifesting their gratitude, and desire of rendering themselves worthyof such distinction. Though this answer was pronounced in such a manneras gave her to understand he had taken the hint, she would not cheapenher condescension so much as to explain herself further at that juncture,and he was very well contented to woo her on her own terms; accordinglyhe began to season his behaviour with a spice of gallantry, when he hadopportunities of being particular with this new inamorata, and, inproportion to the returns she made, he gradually detached himself fromMiss Biddy, by intermitting, and, at last, discontinuing those ardentexpressions of love and admiration, which he had made shift to convey inprivate looks and stolen whispers, during the rancorous inspection of hermother.
Such alteration could not long escape the jealous eyes of the young lady,no more than the cause of this alienation, which, in a moment, convertedall her love into irreconcilable hate, and filled her whole soul with themost eager desire of vengeance. For she now not only considered him as amercenary wretch, who had slighted her attractions for the sordidgratifications of avarice, but also as an interloper, who wanted tointercept her fortune, in the odious character of a father-in-law. But,before she could bring her aim to any ripeness of contrivance, hermother, having caught cold at church, was seized with a rheumatic fever,became delirious in less than three days, and, notwithstanding all theprescriptions and care of her admirer, gave up the ghost, without havingretrieved the use of her senses, or been able to manifest, by will, thesentiments she entertained in favour of her physician, who, as the readerwill easily perceive, had more reasons than one to be mortally chagrinedat this event.
Miss Biddy being thus put in possession of the whole inheritance, notonly renounced all correspondence with Doctor Fathom, by forbidding himthe house, but likewise took all opportunities of prejudicing hischaracter, by hinting, that her dear mamma had fallen a sacrifice to hisignorance and presumption.