CHAPTER 32
“That look isn't from just any hurt. That is the look of a girl with a broken heart.” Michelle Burns
Elizabeth waited until the halls cleared out to clean out her locker. She couldn’t bear to do it at the same time Jack was cleaning out his locker. This was it, the end of fourteen years of school with Jack Bennett. She would never again walk the educational hallways with Jack. She would never again sit next to him in class, and, at this rate, the possibility that they would ever talk again was getting slimmer by the day. She quickly threw her things in her backpack and ran out of school.
Elizabeth sped to the salon to meet Angela and Kate. The girls had an appointment to get their hair and make-up done before graduation. The only reason she agreed to pay for professional hair and make-up was to ensure she looked her best while sitting in silence next to Jack Bennett at graduation. It was a blessing and a nightmare. Elizabeth shuttered just thinking about it.
“My parents made dinner reservations at Firebirds,” said Kate while the stylist was working on her hair. “Then we can go to Zack Saldano’s party.”
“I might pass on the party,” said Elizabeth. “I just don’t feel like it.”
“It’s a celebration,” encouraged Angela. “There is no way we’re letting you skip the party because Jack is being stupid.”
“I just don’t understand what I did.” She put her head down. The stylist immediately reached down and grabbed her head lifting it back up. “Sorry.”
Angela put a reassuring hand on her friend’s shoulder. “It’s really amazing when two strangers can become the best of friends.”
“And, it’s really sad when the best of friends become strangers,” Kate finished. “You need to stop doubting yourself. You are an amazing friend. If Jack can’t handle that he never deserved you.” Elizabeth’s eyes welled with tears. She sniffled and tried to hold them back. The pain was consuming. “No crying tonight. It’s graduation.”
By the time Elizabeth got home, her entire family was dressed and waiting on her. “It will take me two minutes to change.” She put on her white strapless dress and sat down on her bed to strap her white glitter Betsey Johnson four inch heals to her feet.
“Knock, knock,” her mother said. Elizabeth looked up.
“I’m just putting on my shoes. Then I’ll be ready.”
“I just wanted to tell you not to put on any jewelry,” smiled Leighton. “I guess that kind of spoils the surprise but…we’ll see you downstairs.”
The family was watching Colby play with his toy fire engine when Elizabeth came down the stairs. They all stopped and stared at her. Both her parents were smiling at her. Elizabeth could feel their emotions. They were proud of her.
“Wow, Liz, you look gorgeous,” Olivia said beaming. “Congratulations! This is huge! My baby sister is going to Duke!”
“It’s not Yale, Liv.”
“And, it’s not stuffy, either,” her sister laughed. “It’s what you’ve always wanted. Doesn’t that feel good?”
“Yeah,” she forced a smile. “It feels really good.”
“I can’t wait any longer,” said Leighton handing Elizabeth a small black bag with silver tissue paper exploding out the top. “We know you’ve had a long year,” she paused. “We wanted to get you something to show you how proud we are of you. You came out of a tough situation with adversity and achieved your dream. You’re going to be very successful. And, all of that other stuff is behind you now.”
Elizabeth held the bag wondering how she was going to survive the night. Graduation was something that she had looked forward to with Jack all year long. They were going to be side-by-side smiling the entire time knowing that most of the people they would never see again, but their friendship would thrive forever. Football games, parties, and just having someone close that understood Elizabeth used to be such a reassuring thought. Now, it made her stomach turn. She was going to have to survive college without her best friend.
“Open it!” Olivia said excitedly.
“Colby, do you want to help me?” He dropped the fire truck and ran over to her. Elizabeth took a seat on the couch. Colby began throwing tissue paper behind him. He found the first present, a small black pouch and handed it to his older sister. Solitaire diamond stud earrings. “Oh…wow…I…ohmigosh! I don’t even know what to say!”
“There’s more,” said Leighton smiling.
There were two more black pouches in the bag. One contained a solitaire diamond necklace and the other a diamond tennis bracelet. “Will you help me put it on?” she asked her mother.
“The earrings and necklace are one carat each and the bracelet is two carats total,” she said putting the jewelry on her daughter.
“I love it,” said Elizabeth hugging her mother, father, sister, and brother.
“We better get going,” suggested Robert before his wife and daughters could start crying.
The Benson’s piled into the black SUV. Elizabeth looked over and notice the Bennett’s getting in their black BMW sedan. She locked eyes with Jack, who was in a black suit, before he got in his father’s car. The Benson’s followed the Bennett’s to the school’s auditorium in their black cars. To Elizabeth, it felt more like a funeral rather than a celebration. She sat in the middle of the backseat starting at the back of Jack’s head. He turned around a few times on the way to the school. The two families parked next to each other. Leighton and Latasha hugged and congratulated each other on the successes of their children while Robert and Roger exchanged congratulatory handshakes.
“Awkward,” whispered Olivia. “Why aren’t you and Jack speaking?” Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. Jack was walking ahead with his sister and brother. She wiped away a falling tear, turning her head so nobody would see her. “Awe, are you crying?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Once inside, Elizabeth took her respective spot in line over her nametag on the floor. The senior coordinator had gone through a lot of trouble to make the procession perfect. Jack leaned against the wall while Elizabeth stared at his back. He was already in his cap and gown. She slipped into her white cap and gown, took a deep breath and patiently waited in silence for the procession to start.
Jack didn’t even attempt to make eye contact. Elizabeth’s stomach was in knots. His body was inches from her. Elizabeth knew that when a person was really afraid of losing someone, that’s when you know how much you love them. Maybe time was separating them for a reason. Maybe time wasn’t ready the first time around and she would get a second chance at some point. Falling for Jack Bennett was the most maddening, frustrating thing she could have ever done, even though it was something she had no control over. In an instant, someone that she never used to think about romantically could make her feel more emotions in one second than she would normally feel in a year. Elizabeth used to only feel pain. Now, she felt love, anger, happiness, despair, fulfillment, and disappointment. When Jack was around, she could feel it in every bone, every organ, and every blood vessel because her whole body felt his presence. Her heart and mind felt his absence. Elizabeth held up her shaking hand wanting so bad to touch him. If she grabbed his hand would he hold it back? If she hugged him would he hold her back? If she kissed him would he kiss her back? She could feel her heart beating through her chest. She pulled her hand back and wiped her sweaty palm on her gown. She couldn’t even form a sentence in her head because it didn’t matter what she thought, all she knew was what she felt. Jack used to hold her when she cried. He always knew how to make her smile. At one time, Jack was her anything friend.
Elizabeth tried to smile as she walked behind Jack down the main aisle and took her respective seat next to him after picking up the graduation program. She watched Jamie Johnson walk across the stage to give her welcome.
“Dear gradu
ating class, family, friends and faculty, thank you for coming here on this…”
Elizabeth opened her program. She felt Jack move to his left, opposite of where she was. What was this? Was he hurting her on purpose? It was bad enough that she would have to endure three months of seeing him coming in and out of his house before they left for college. She needed a distraction. She flipped to the page where all the graduates were listed to see where they were attending college and started at the top of the alphabet.
Christopher Addai Wilmington Community College
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. That was a great way to start an over-achieving class.
Bethany Anderson Wake Forest University
The list seemed more promising. Before she could read the third name on the list, Jack ripped the program out of her hand. Stunned, Elizabeth glared at him. “Give it back,” she whispered. He shook his head. “You’re such a jerk.” She grabbed it back. “What is your problem?” He put his head down. “Of course you’re not gonna answer me. When we get out of here, do me a favor and act like you never knew me.”
She pretended to keep reading the list but all she could concentrate on was Jack’s bizarre action. Wanting to feel good about her own future she sought out her name on the list. Duke University, her dream. It was at that moment that she noticed something wasn’t right. There was a typo. Some kind of misprint. A huge error.
Johnathon Bennett Pennsylvania State University
Penn State? That didn’t make any sense! He was going to the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill! A sudden lump formed in Elizabeth’s throat. The program fell from her lap to the tile floor. She slowly turned her head towards Jack. He was already looking at her. She looked deep in his eyes and knew it was true. Jack wasn’t going to UNC. There would be no football games. No dinners together. No parties. No movies. No long walks. Their futures were truly taking different paths.
She took a deep breath as her eyes welled up with tears. She tried to fight it but she couldn’t. She grabbed her gown with both hands. The auditorium was getting stuffy. All the oxygen was being sucked out of the room. Jack placed his right hand on her forearm. She yanked it back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
She shook her head. “No, you’re not.”
Elizabeth was silent all through dinner. She reluctantly went to the party with Angela and Kate but called a taxi after being there for less than an hour. All of the students were drinking. They were all celebrating the future. Elizabeth didn’t care about her future right now. She didn’t care about anything. The cab pulled up in front of her house. She climbed in the back of her Jeep Wrangler, leaned against the roll bar and watched her sister and parents through the massive living room window. They were playing some sort of game in the family room and she could faintly see the laughter and happiness her family was experiencing right now.
She lit a cigarette. No matter what, Elizabeth was not going to cut herself. She had come a long way. Even though she hated Jack Bennett right now, she was not going to revert back to her old ways. She was thankful that he had helped her. Maybe it was supposed to end like this. She helped him get an A in Calculus both semesters and he helped her to stop self-mutilating herself.
She looked at the time on her cell phone. For the first time in eighteen years, her parents had not given her a curfew. It wasn’t even midnight yet. If she walked in the house now, they would start to worry and things would go back to the way they were. Elizabeth couldn’t let that happen. Her parents actually trusted her now. She curled up on the back seat and closed her eyes. The pain would hurt less if she could fall asleep.
Instead of sleeping she smoked. She cried. She sobbed. She wept. She muffled her screams. She punched her back seat. She didn’t make a sound as tears streamed down her eyes. She choked. She drooled. She held herself. She wrapped herself in a fleece blanket that was in the back of the car. She smoked some more.
After a few hours, she felt absolutely exhausted. She flicked a cigarette out the car. It was so easy with no windows zipped in. After willing herself to get up and her body not responding she wiped her tired eyes and debated actually sleeping outside. She reached for her cell phone and felt the car shake. She looked up to see Jack standing on the running board, leaning over the top of the roll bar.
“I saw your sparkle shoes sticking out of the car. What are you doing out here? It’s cold.”
“Go away,” she mumbled. “I want to be alone.”
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said.
“Okay? You know there’s no such thing as okay,” she snapped at him. “And, yes, I’m fine! No, I’m not hurting myself. I’m just enjoying the fresh air and the stars so you can go now.”
“Why did you leave the party?”
“Jack, stop!” She sat up and lit another cigarette and waived it in front of her. “I’m smoking! It might hurt your perfect little football lungs so you better leave.”
“No, I have to talk to you,” he said offended.
“Oh, you want to talk on your terms? I’ve been trying to talk to you for the last month and you’ve been ignoring me. Suddenly, you want to have a conversation? I never realized how completely selfish you were.” Elizabeth was aware at how rude she was acting. A few hours ago, she wanted nothing more than to salvage the friendship. Now, her heart was completely destroyed and there was a part of her that wanted to hurt him the same way he hurt her.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. You should have heard it from me.”
“Heard what? Heard that you changed your mind to go play football for the great Joe Patano?”
“Paterno,” he said.
“Yeah, the legend Joe Paterno. Didn’t you say you wanted to play football for Butch Davis, at one time, too? Maybe you’ll just keep changing your mind and play for Jim Tressel or Rich Rodriguez? I mean, you’re going to be a football God wherever you go, so why should you have told me? The way I see it, you’re just full of hot air.”
“I get that you’re mad but…”
“But what?” she interrupted. “But your life is none of my business and my life is none of yours. Isn’t that what you say about other people? How could I have been so naïve to think that our friendship was different?”
“Elizabeth, I don’t know why you’re taking this so personally? It’s my life. I am just trying to make the best decision for myself and my future. It wasn’t an easy decision. My parents won’t be able to come to all my home games. I’m going to a school where I’m not going to know anyone. My winters are going to be filled with cold and snow and Penn State is in the middle of nowhere. I made the best decision for me. How can you get mad at me for doing that?”
“Jack, we had a plan. I thought I was going to have you next year and the next four years and I wasn’t going to have to do this alone. We had a plan! You changed that! And, you didn’t even tell me about it! You shut me out!”
“I didn’t shut you out,” he defended. “I was just trying to get things straight for me. It’s my decision and it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else.”
“So you just went and changed the plan without telling me?”
“The plan wasn’t set in stone. It was an idea and if it turned out that way, it would have been great. Things change. Get over it.”
The words cut her like a knife. She was already hurting from rejection and now Jack was telling her to ‘get over it’. No matter how much she loved him, she finally realized that he never loved her back. The worst part was, it was impossible to get over something in her mind when her heart still loved him. All she had left was to convince herself that the friendship they once had never existed.
“I gave you everything,” she cried. “I tried to be the best possible friend to you all the time. I listened to
you when you were happy or upset. You made me part of your life. You made me feel special right up until the moment you cut me out and decided you were better off without me.”
“That’s not what I did! It wasn’t about you, Elizabeth! It was about me! Alright, you know what? You’re trippin’.”
“I am not trippin’!” She was furious now. “I’m being honest! You used to be honest. At least I thought you were. Maybe I don’t know you at all. Maybe you’ve always just been this guy who is afraid of letting anyone in. Maybe you started off as the guy you wanted to be but that was too much for you to handle and now I’m seeing the guy you really are.” Jack looked enraged. He jumped off the car, put his hand up in frustration and walked away. “Coward!” she screamed after him.