“And even though I know he's a jerk and I know all that he'll do is hurt me, I still love him. I still want him. And I hate myself for it.” Michelle Burns
“He actually told you to get over it?”
“Yep,” Elizabeth said to Kate. “I kind of wanted to punch him.” The girls were sitting in a corner booth at a Mexican restaurant.
“That’s a really rude thing for him to say to you. It’s like dismissing your feelings. Personally, I don’t think it’s useful to say ‘get over it’ to someone who is obsessing over something. No matter how stupid or silly that person’s pain seems to me, if it’s real to them then I’m not going to belittle them to their face. Saying ‘get over it’ serves no purpose other than to provoke resentment. It’s not as if they are likely to follow the advice and truly get over it. The only thing that happens is the pity party is extended forever because now they have added insensitivity to their list of obsession.”
“When did you become the gate keeper of other people’s feelings?” asked Elizabeth. Kate was starting to sound like she could write a book.
“I’m sorry about the wait,” the teenage waiter said to them setting down tortilla chips and salsa. “Do you just want drinks right now or are you ready to order?”
“I’ll have a Margarita on the rocks and she’ll have a frozen raspberry margarita,” Kate said confidently. The waiter laughed. “Fine, two Cokes and two waters. I want one crunchy beef taco, one steak taco, one chicken tostada, a chicken enchilada, and a side of rice and beans with cheese on top. Make that extra cheese.”
Elizabeth had no idea how Kate could eat so much. She never ate breakfast or lunch and then ate a meal for three people at dinner. “I’ll have the cheesy beef burrito, please.”
“Look, it’s a worthless sentence,” suggested Kate covering every corner of her tortilla chip with salsa before sprinkling a little salt on top. “It’s like telling someone to shut-up. He doesn’t really care whether or not you get over it; he just wants you to stop blaming him.”
“Well, who am I supposed to blame?” Kate was silent. Elizabeth guessed what her friend was trying to say. “Me? You think it’s my fault?”
“No,” sighed Kate. “Of course not. But, I’m also saying that we never know what is going on in someone else’s head. We never know why someone does something. It’s human nature to want to know but we can’t ever know because it’s not for us to figure out. Sure, someone can tell us, and that’s if they tell us and then we have to decide whether or not to believe them.”
“Why is this so hard?”
“Because you love him.”
“I think I understand. My life was easier with him here, and now he’s gone and it’s hard again. It's so painful, thinking about him leaving for Pennsylvania and feeling like I can’t live my life without him but at the same time knowing that I have to.”
Kate gave her friend an encouraging smile. “You just have to survive being his neighbor for a little while and then you’ll go to Duke and things will get perfect again and then you’ll only have to see him during holidays and summers and by then you’ll be void of any pain he’s caused you.”
Elizabeth sighed. “I never meant to love him. That was never my intention. That was never what I wanted. Falling for your best friend is like handing someone the power to break you. It’s impossible loving someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s like one day everything is normal and the next day you realize that you’ve fallen hard for this boy and when he hugs you your whole body burns and it hurts when you look at him and it hurts when you don't, and it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass. It’s really strange because it seems that the less he gives, the more I idiotically want.”
“You’re not the idiot here.”
“It sure feels like it,” she looked down as the waiter dropped off the hot plates. “The thing is I’m not even sure why I’m hurt, jealous or upset. Jack didn’t hit me. He just left me. My heart is just broken and I shouldn't even complain about it because according to him nothing happened. I mean, nothing happened to me. I'm just like really upset. I did the right thing. I acted like the friend he counted on. I did the right thing even though it hurt so badly. And, what’s my reward? I’m still in pain. Maybe the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because the heart wants what the heart wants and it refuses to be denied. I know I’ll gradually get over the pain and that it’s probably not going to go away go away, for a long time, but I have faith that it has to become easier to live with. One morning I’ll wake up and he won’t be the first thing on my mind. And then a few months later I’ll realize I've made it through half the day without thinking of him.”
“When that happens you’ll smile again.”
“Do you think it might take months?” asked Elizabeth.
Kate shoved a spoon full of rice in her mouth, melted cheese stuck to her fork. “Or years,” she said chewing.
“Years?” Elizabeth felt sick. “Fine, but eventually I’ll reach a point when I only think about him occasionally because I won't see him, I won't hear about him as much, and random thoughts about him won’t come across my mind and I’ll stay away from ESPN. I can give up football. I only watched because of him.”
“You like football now.”
“True but I won’t watch it. It’s so hard because I still consider him my anything friend, the one person in my life who no matter what he says or does, no matter what he’s been through, I love him unconditionally. Unfortunately, this story will never have a happy ending.”
“You don’t know that,” said Kate.
“Yes, I do. I know I’m not the one he thinks about. I know I’m not the one he hopes for, longs for and dreams about. I know I’ll never be the one he wants. Maybe there's not much here to love, but I wish more than anything he could just try to love me anyway. Am I that hard to love? Or at least give a chance to?”