best-of-the-best, top notch, superior, first class…um…
Well, let’s just say we’re deciphering which gender, Mars or Venus (male or female respectfully) will go home with the gold. Okay, there is no gold. In fact, there is no prize, but who cares?
As of last week the battle was in a dead heat…two for two for two. Wowzer, that’s two for Venus, two for Mars and two tied. Make sense? Doesn’t matter; let’s just see what Mars and Venus have up their sleeves in this final round. (Remember, these came to me via email, I.just added editorial notes/changes for content, clarity and hilarity.) Let’s begin.
7)When addressing the arena of success…A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend in several lifetimes. Bravo! A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Bravo revisited!
Shoot, we may have another tie. That being said however, I feel that should said Venus, find such a Mars and manage quite successfully to hang on to him. Then she would gain a home court advantage, thus I’d be remiss not siding in her favor.
Therefore, I rescind the tie and give the score to Venus. Questions?
8)Now when it comes to the institution of marriage…A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Well now ladies, isn’t this a crock of bull dookie? Sorry, but speaking from experience I’d have to rephrase these to state: A woman marries a man expecting him to change for the better, and he gets worse. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she just keeps getting better.
What? Oh…I see. Well, we seem to disagree. But we’re not here to argue. This is friendly, remember?
So I’ll call a tie to avoid any more emails.
9)Taking it up a notch let’s talk about dressing up…A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the dishwasher, gossip on the phone, and read the other half’s mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Boy did this one get blown all out of proportion. Who dresses up to water plants? Trust me, my plants don’t care. And when shopping I wear just enough makeup so I won’t scare small children. But I do like to get gussied up when an occasion calls for it. Most Mars’, on the other hand, don’t even own a suit. Obviously, since more Venus’ put the effort in, I’d have to give them this one too.
Venus scores again!
10)Keeping on the same subject let’s talk about natural beauty…Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OH WHAT-EV-ER! Obviously someone (probably Mars) thought they were being funny. I’d like to see the data please…Yikes! WHO is that a picture of…that’s n-not m-m-me!
Sorry Venus, but Mars takes this one. Now excuse me while I burn some evidence in my wastepaper basket…
11)Uh-oh, offspring…A woman knows all about her children’s: dentist appointments, best friends, favorite fast food and if their feet smell after wearing sneakers all day. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Ah-ha! This is…well…only partially true. Some Mars keep up very well with their kid’s activities like: Ninja Dragon Sword, Dungeon Explorer and for Daddy’s little girl, Hannah Montana. Gosh, this close. Seriously, enough can’t be said about quality time with the children. Let’s give it to…drum roll please…Mars! No wait…Venus! No, wait! Dickens. I’m torn when it comes to children but I’d have to say Venus is more involved more often.
Okay then, Venus takes it away!
Well, there you have it, a very unscientific, unapproved and unreliable study to determine the master of the two sexes. And if you were keeping score you’d agree Venus won by a landslide.
Okay, only by two, but a very important two. Not to worry Mars, you can brush up for the next unscientific study.
Can you imagine…if Mars makes a comeback?
The Right Way to Fight
Column #93 4-17-08
Well now, it appears some gal with a fancy PhD. after her name has come up with a new way to battle in the relationship arena. Dare I say, gone are the days of hitting him between the eyes with a frying pan as soon as he walks in the door.
Dang, I hear a lot of great arguments were solved that way too. Apparently, many women have spent countless nights calculating the proper angle, speed and trajectory of a fast moving object.
Now women everywhere can retire their marble rolling pins and utilize what Ms. PhD suggest. So, let’s find out together, shall we?
Her first flying-object-free idea – make an appointment to talk.
Dickens, who has that kind of time? Seriously, between shopping, reading email jokes and having our legs waxed we just can’t drop everything to squeeze in an appointment to talk to the one person solely responsible for ruining our day.
I’d venture say PhDeezy is pushing the envelope, wouldn’t you? But let’s play along and evaluate this as objectively as we can.
Okay, she suggests an early evening appointment, however not: before bed, during dinner (Personally, I always went for the ‘eating out’ approach. No one throws plates in public.), or while drinking alcohol. Remember, booze and battles don’t mix.
Let’s see, that leaves the few minutes after he walks in the door and before he collapses in the recliner. Isn’t much of a window of opportunity, is it?
Next, she suggested – one person talk and the other just listen. (She uses the phrase, “he will get a turn to talk later on…”)
Are you getting this? It appears to be a ladies first event, the ramifications of which could potentially last well into the wee hours of the morning. The listener, HIM, must sit quietly and wear an “emotional bulletproof vest” she said so that he takes in every fault-finding point his better half is emphasizing.
Unfortunately, Ms. PhD thought of everything and limited the appointment to – no more than 10 minutes.
Well, the world’s problems can’t be solved in ten minutes, how does she expect a woman to point out and suggest constructive criticism for a lifetime of bad habits in just ten minutes? Impossible!
But wait, there’s more. Are you ready? She says to always use loving language and honor the other person’s feelings. Duly noted; annnnd women everywhere will certainly try. Right ladies?
Ah-ha! Finally a good suggestion – avoid words that wound.
Well, you know I’m big on kinder, gentler words like poop, durn-diddly, and fudge. So I’d have to agree with our relationship therapist on this one.
May I also suggest using the most suitable slang for the alleged fault. Allow me to demonstrate...
“You NEVER take out the freakin’ garbage!”
As you can see the operative words here are: never, freakin and garbage. Clear, concise and to the point! Any questions? Well, then let’s move along.
Our therapist also suggests – have the listener repeat what he has heard.
Hellooooo! Why do women repeat themselves over and over again to begin with? Men don’t listen the first time! Gosh, I’m not sure where to take this one; it’s a no-brainer. Ms. PhD, however, threw in a catch. (There’s always a catch?) The listener must wait at least 24 hours to validate what they have heard.
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, has she flipped her ever-lovin’ lid?! Who could sit and listen for ten minutes, then wait 24 hours to respond? In other words, we’re talking two appointments in one week…with the one person we’re upset with at the moment!
Then if he has anything to say in his tem minute response, it’s another 24 hours waiting period to respond to his response! Dickens, discussing his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor could take a solid week!
Finally, our relationship guru said end the quarrel with – a positive experience.
Hey, I’m all over this one. What she means is a long hug, cuddling or a wet and sloppy kiss…added wet and sloppy for emphasis. But I agree; ‘kiss and make up’ is the best way to end any argument.
And just so you know, being irritated stimulates the same bra
in chemicals as falling in love. Awww, what an utterly romantic and almost timeless thought…sigh
Can you imagine…fight…fall in love…fight…fall in love?
The Great Divide
Column #94 4-21-08
It has come to my attention that the unscientific survey we ran a few weeks ago created a rift in the universe causing the separation of Mars and Venus. Friends, stunned by the news said they thought it would last forever. But as we all know, forever lasts about as long as the playoffs.
Now let’s peek into the lives of Mars and Venus and see how the separation has been affecting their otherwise complacent existence.
The dividing of all worldly possessions went rather smoothly. Venus evenly divided rolls of toilet paper according to industry research and analysis. Her formula was based on the fact that women use twice as many squares as men. Therefore, she utilized the “two for me, one for you” division method.
Mars, who could barely be trusted to change a light bulb, wanted to take general household maintenance tools with him causing a heated battle with Venus who was overheard saying, “I’ll part with a lot of things, but not tools!”
So, to make amends Venus bought Mars his very own tool box complete with hammer, measuring tape and lots of other nifty gadgets that he won’t know what to do with. Reports also confirm Venus retained possession of all power tools.
And except for the minor skirmish over the straight claw