hammer, The Great Divide appears to have gone rather well. Fortunately, the lengthy union led to a massive accumulation of stuff, thus allowing Mars to leave with enough substance to set up a cozy place of his own.
However, living with Venus and her uncanny flare for decorating, Mars was spoiled by the standard of living to which he had become accustom, therefore he made several attempts to sneak various knick-knacks into packing boxes. His attempts were thwarted when Venus discovered the deception and recovered the items in question. After all, a female has to defend her territory. And when it comes to decorating, she can be very aggressive.
You may be happy to note, Mars won the battle over the two silk bamboo trees, which resided rather expressively on either side of the 55-gallon fish aquarium. But in a flash of inspiration, Venus filled the void with a live banana leaf ficus instead.
Oh my, I heard about the Tupperware wars too. Did you? Yes, apparently major negotiations were taking place in the leftover-food-stuff arena. Venus, felt that since Mars never ate leftovers, he obviously had no feasible excuse in this lifetime to need plastic containers. After much debate though, it was decided that Venus could spare a few old, spaghetti stained containers and keep the newer ones herself.
Luckily Mars found a nice place to live, leaving Venus with the main residence, including all upkeep, maintenance and yard work.
Wait a minute, what is Venus supposed to do about the lawn? Oh…I see…a neighbor offered to show her how to start the lawn mower. Yes, Venus learned to start on the rabbit and turn it off on the turtle. And as a matter of fact, Venus cut her own grass just the other day. Sources close to the estranged couple state she learned how to use the weed eater too. Well, it looks like Venus is getting a good dose of reality already. Let’s check on Mars, shall we?
Mars seems to be having some difficulty. He can’t figure out how to set up his new answering machine and asked Venus to handle it. He also needs a few things and asked Venus to pick up those items too.
Hey, I don’t believe in burning bridges but I’m confused. Didn’t Mars move out? Isn’t he…on his own…free as a bird…reverted to single status? Apparently Mars needs a girlfriend to take care of him since he doesn’t function too well without a Venus influence. Maybe he’ll ask Venus to help him with that too. (Dickens, some men just don’t transition back into the single life very well.)
Most experts agree breaking up can be stressful. Especially when there is power struggle involved and if the party of the first part is hell bent on making the party of the second part miserable. Too bad, some couples don’t know how to move on.
However, our neighbors, Mars and Venus, have managed to stay friends. Ah, the best of circumstances!
Can you imagine…start on the rabbit and turn off on the turtle?
PDA’s
Column #101 6-12-08
Do PDA’s bother you? They bother some people. In fact, certain individuals get all bent out of shape anytime they catch even the slightest glimpse of a PDA in progress. Personally, as long as nobody’s naked I don’t see a problem with Public Displays of Affection.
Hey, what did you think I was talking about a hand-held Personal Digital Assistant? Dickens, you know I’m not a techno-wiz kind of gal. And besides, I’ve never seen anyone naked and playing with one.
Anyway, in my experience (as an observer) I’ve noted various forms of Public Displays of Affection. And since humans are sensory beings we have an innate desire to touch and be touched. Of course, there’s always out-and-out groping…which seems to appeal to some. Especially if you’re under the age of thirty, have raging hormones and a Firebird Trans Am.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at some readily identifiable PDA’s.
OH THOSE CHEEKS is Grandma’s favorite way to embarrass us in public. She means well, but after the age of puberty it might be a good time to sit Grandma down and have a heart-to-heart with her.
Just remember she loves you, so when you say, “Knock it off granny!” Always say, “Please.”
MAIN SQUEEZE hugs are a low-key PDA. Hugging in the form of a greeting is commonplace and not typically considered offensive to anyone. In addition, there’s the ‘goodbye’ hug, which often lasts longer and feels firmer than its counterpart the ‘hello’ hug. Unless it’s been a while since you’ve hugged that particular person, then a hello hug can take on a life of its own.
Gosh, relatives and close friends don’t even think twice about giving big bear hugs…it just seems natural. And same sex folks can, and often do, give brief hugs without judgment by onlookers.
When hugging however, just remember not to be a cling-on. (Or, any other Star Trek character.)
HAND ‘N HAND is probably the most socially accepted PDA maneuver on the planet. It says, “Hey, I like you, the rest of the world just doesn’t need to know how much.” People in relationships make the most of this soft-sided intimacy as a way to feel connected, yet understated.
Hand-holders know exactly what is going on in the relationship, while everyone else is left wondering, gossiping and basically starting nasty rumors like the one about Mary seen yesterday holding Tommy’s hand while everybody who’s anybody knows she’s been going steady with Jimmy since he gave her his Cracker Jacks toy during Big Bubba’s Pie Eating Contest when they were eight years old and…oh…well…never mind…it’s only a rumor anyway.
Personally, I enjoy seeing the elderly holding hands. It might be all the affection they can muster at their age, but it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling just to see it.
HUNT ‘N PECK takes public affection up a notch. Participants aren’t afraid to steal a quick smooch and freely lip smack as the need arises. This stage of PDA can be very subtle because the kisses are generally sweet and discreet.
For instance, typically when the urge strikes, the pecker hunts for a place to plant a peck…such as the lips, forehead, bare shoulder, right elbow, left toe or just about any other exposed (or not) body part. However, the part of the body closest to the pecker’s lips is usually the intended target. And, of course, the peckee is the delighted recipient.
Most ‘Hunt ‘n peckers’ are open to either role, which makes for nice role playing activity. Sigh.
TONGUE ‘N CHEEK is a style often preferred by the younger generation. However, anyone over the legal alcohol age limit, or currently on Viagra can willingly enjoy it too.
This technique is easily identified as French kissing on one end and lots ‘n lots of frisking of the derriere (by both parties) on the other end. Participants behave as if they haven’t seen each other in a millennium as tongues slobber and hands squeeze each other’s posterior cheeks in a frenzied burst of enthusiasm.
Most observers of the “Tongue & Cheek” PDA secretly wish they had that much enthusiasm. Or were twenty years younger, had a Firebird Trans Am and…well…never mind.
MY PLACE OR YOURS is undoubtedly the most extreme case of PDA known to Homo sapiens. Without sounding risqué, this form of public affection knows no boundaries. Reports stating several incidents of couples being arrested for this particular approach are common.
“My Place or Yours” comes with an X-rated label and is best preformed at my place or yours. I mean…um…in the privacy of your own home, car, elevator or other self-contained space out of view of young children.
Of course, there’s always a rebel in the crowd who doesn’t care if they lick, grope, kiss or nibble any available body part on another person in public. In extreme cases, the participants are often asked to “get a room.”
Gee, is it me, or is it getting warm in here?
Can you imagine…if Grandma ever stopped pinching your cheeks?
Crazy Copulation
Column #113 9-4-08
Let’s talk about sex.
Wait a minute Granny…come back…pleeease! It’s not what you think. Seriously! I just thought folks might enjoy learning how other species on our planet do the wild thing.
What? Okay, I promise not to type anything too over expose
d. Huh….ground rules? Well, if you insist; let’s have ‘em.
Uh-huh…uh-huh. So, what you’re saying is….I can’t say penis, testicles, sperm or orgasm. Instead I have to use politically correct terminology such as winkie, goolies, goop and Big O. Gee…let me think for a minute… Alright. I agree to your terms Granny.
Now may I get on with my column? Thanks. Where was I? Oh yeah, Crazy Copulation!
You know, this all started when I went to the fair and saw a bull (up close) for the first time. Oh my gawd! I wouldn’t say I’m a city girl, but I had no idea they were so well endowed. Obscenely proportioned to be more specific, dang!
I thought for sure I’d have nightmares. But instead I got to thinking. And you know what happens when I start thinking. Yep, I started pondering about the weirdest and wildest mating rituals on the planet.
No, Uncle I’m not talking about you and Auntie Fanny.
Dickens, we’ve already learned pigs have 30 minute Big Os. Well, I’m about to tell you just how normal that is compared to some other creatures we share this globe with.
Take for example the ordinary Honey Bee. When a drone mates with the queen his winkie snaps off and blocks her (shoot, forgot to ask Granny what word to insert here)…well, you know…and acts as a plug so another drone can’t make little droney-clonies. Needless to say, the one who got lucky dies.
Some luck. Seriously guys, wouldn’t you want to drop dead if