your winkie fell off? Um…don’t answer that. Let’s just move along, shall we?
Speaking of mating, Red Sided Garter Snakes have orgies.
Oops, may I say orgy Granny? Granny? Shoot, I think she’s taking a nap.
Anyway, when the female is ready to mate she releases pheromones to attract a male. What she gets however, is every male in a five state area rushing in…er…slithering in. Then they pile on her in a ‘mating ball’ and go at it. And while we’re on the subject of mating snakes….did you know almost all snakes have two winkies? So while the orgy is under way, the males take advantage of whichever winkie is closest to the target and wa-la…a pile of squirming Big O’s. Kinda ewwww, isn’t it?
And if you think that’s weird, let’s talk longnecks. No, not bottles…I’m talking about the furry variety…giraffes. Apparently, when a male giraffe encounters a female he nudges her bottom to encourage her to tinkle. And while she’s in the process of relieving herself the male tastes the urine to see if she’s estrus. (Yeah, I had to look it up too…means ‘ready’ for loving.)
If it tastes ‘ready,’ he courts her, which basically means, he follows her around like a love sick pup until she gives it up. (And ladies you thought only men did this. Follow you around I mean, not taste…never mind.)
Now here are a few facts you didn’t know about Flipper. Dolphins have a retractable winkie that swivels and is prehensile. In other words, Flipper can use it like an appendage. How weird is that?
Also, what Hollywood didn’t show us in the movie is a male dolphin’s ravenous sexual appetite. Apparently, they do it just for pleasure too. But then “Flipper” wouldn’t have gotten a G rating, would it?
Continuing in the Hollywood aquatic theme, remember when we found Nemo? Then you’ll also remember Nemo is a Clownfish. But what producers didn’t tell us was that Clownfish swim both ways. Oh yes, a cross gender fish. Who knew?!
Sheds a whole new light on finding Nemo…in the dark…finding Nemo…with a boy….finding Nemo…with a girl…
Seriously though, in clownfish world the largest of the group is the female, next largest, the mating male. If the female dies or…um…gets lost looking for Nemo. The male then becomes female and the next largest fish becomes the mating male, while the remainder of the school swim around as non-mating males with female potential. Talk about identity crises.
Ouch! Oh sorry, I was just thinking about how Porcupines do it. Oh come on! You’ve thought about it. We all have. And now I have the answer for you….and no, it’s not carefully.
First of all, females are ‘in the mood’ for sex about eight to twelve hours a year. That’s 8 to 12 out of 8,740 possible hours. (Makes once a week look good, doesn’t it?) Obviously this means the males have got to be on their toes if they plan on taking advantage of such a narrow window.
Just for fun let’s say a male porcupine spots a female who is looking pretty sharp. (Yes, pun intended.) He then stands up on his hind legs and waddles over to her with that sly little Porcupine grin. And just when he thinks he has her undivided attention he drowns her in a golden shower from head to toe.
Now, if this doesn’t make her gag, as would be the customary human response (or my response), she decides if she wants more of him. And if he’s lucky and it’s her window of opportunity she turns around, lifts up her rump and exposes her quill-less underbelly. Now you know, Porcupines do it doggie style.
To be continue…
Can you imagine…being anything but human?
The “S” Word
Column #114 9-11-08
Hey, come here. Shhhh
What? No. Shhh is not the ‘S’ word silly. It’s just that Granny’s still visiting, so I can’t type this out loud. She’s got ears like a hawk…or is it eyes like a hawk? Doesn’t matter, I just wanted to finish telling you about the wild and crazy mating habits of some of this planet’s creatures.
Remember last week we found out how Porcupine’s do it? Well, this week I thought I’d tell you about…
What’s that? Did you hear something? Shoot, I’d better type fast, Granny could sneak up on us any minute!
First, let’s start with the Nautilus. You know those cool looking seashells with the stripes. Well, the female of the species is over three times the size of the male. Doesn’t make for great pillow talk, does it?
However, to combat the ‘size’ issue…hey, stop laughing! Okay, maybe ‘size’ is funny. Just don’t let Granny hear you laughing.
Anyway, the male secretes goop (Granny’s word for…you know) onto a tentacle then detaches it so the tentacle can ‘swim’ to the female and fertilize her. Talk about a floating pearl necklace. Wowzer!
On the other hand…er…tentacle…Octopus…um, Octopuses, I mean, Octopi…oh, never mind. At any rate, the male does something similar. Only during mating the male puts goop on a tentacle and uses it to transfer those little squirmy, reproductive critters to the female. Gee, talk about having a hand in it…or, is it a foot? What-ev-er!
Unfortunately for mom though, she dies after the eggs hatch. Of course, if I had just hatched a brood of hundreds of kids with eight arms…or legs, I’d consider relocating before I hang around for the adolescent years.
Hey, have you heard of Panda Porn? Apparently, the Pandas in China’s Panda breeding center have been watching it. Yep, the males were a little slow and couldn’t get a grip on where to put what and when. So, scientist decided to show six year old Pandas videos of other Pandas mating to see if it stimulated a response. And to everyone’s surprise it worked.
Dickens, next thing you know they’ll be handing out cigarettes!
Now, you know as well as I do that hermaphrodites come in all shapes and sizes, but the ones I’m talking about here are small, slimy and carry homes on their backs. And who didn’t know snails swing both ways? Meaning they have both male and female love-parts. Ah, but did you also know they can be hopeless romantics.
The Roman Snail, for instance, fires a ‘love dart’ at a particularly slimy sex kitten and hopes for the best. The love dart is supposed to excite the slippery seductress while telling the pair if they’re of the same species.
Gee, that could be embarrassing. Zappppp! Oops, sorry…thought you were from Rome.
And while cloning is still a debatable issue for humans, cloning is essential to the survival of Whiptail Lizards. Yes, some species Whiptails are entirely female. But, it doesn’t necessarily mean that just because there aren’t any males, they go without.
Apparently, Whiptails have a deep, dark secret. Yes friends one female invites another female out for a day at the Dessert Rock Spa; only to top it off with a buffet of insects by moonlight. Then when the time feels right she climbs on the other female and goes through the motions.
Okay, so she’s faking it…big whoopee deal. Every woman has faked it at least once in her life! By the way, during the next mating season they switch positions. Crazy, huh?
Men, this is for you. You’ve heard of the Silverback Gorilla, haven’t you? Male gorillas are the largest primate on the planet, as you’re probably aware. And it so happens that a male Silverback will have a harem of five to fifteen females to do frisky business with anytime he’s in the mood.
What you may not know however, is his winkie is only about 1.5 inches long.
Wow, that just made every human male on the planet feel better, right? Yes, well, remind me not to come back as a female gorilla. Besides, I’m still thinking about a Pig’s 30 minute Big O, aren’t you?
Lastly, size does matter when it comes to Galapagos Turtles. When trying to impress the ladies, two males stretch their necks to see which one is longest. (Is that like checking a guy’s shoe size? Not that I do that or anything.)
Anyway, the longest neck wins and the loser gets to hump rocks. Sad, because it takes up to 40 years for males to reach sexual maturity in the first place, which means if he had been planning ahead, he would have been doing neck stretching exercises for those forty years. Wouldn’t you?
Can you imagine…trying not to imagine how other creatures do it?
Feminine Hygiene
Column #117 10-2-08
Have you ever been curious about feminine hygiene? Even just a little bit? Just a teensy, tiny tad little bit?
Why are you groaning? I’m talking about a very serious issue that affects all of us…at least those of us in an office environment. Yes, feminine hygiene is a huge factor plaguing offices all across the country. Possibly the world!
Apparently, the average office is a cesspool of bacteria. More so than even the average toilet seat. (Lawyer’s offices are the only exception. Who knew?) Here’s the clinker…women spread more germs than men. Wa-la! Feminine hygiene, just like I said.
Now ladies, don’t get your Bridget Jones’ in a bunch, it’s a good thing we’re germier. (Is germier a word?) Anyway, we, of the female gender, eat healthier than our male counterparts therefore we come into contact with more germs and bacteria. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn’t it? Let me explain.
Women eat ‘healthy’ food choices more than men. Meaning women store fresh, germ laden fruits such as apples, oranges and kiwi in their desks. Men store prepackaged foods like, potato chips, licorice and gummy worms in their desks. Also, in the file cabinet, behind the water cooler, in the cabinet under the copier and on the top shelf in the supply closet just in case they have a snack attack while wandering aimlessly about the office. (Sorry,