Part of a study done on Office Hygiene in Boston discovered folks touch their face an average of 18 times an hour? Eighteen times and hour sounds overstated, but we all touch our face at some point during the day. And all those pesky germs and bacteria on your keyboard, desk, and ink pens you bring into close proximity to your nose and mouth every time you touch your face.
Did you know germs have their own personal GPS system and will crawl to your desk from a coworker’s desk? Especially if you have a window view! So if your coworker is an Oscar and not a Felix, you might want to consider moving your desk. And while you’re packing your belongings, shake out your keyboard. If you are like so many…you eat at your desk. Crumbs accumulate in the keyboard and rot; creating a haven for bacteria.
Wowzer! Talk about adding mold to the list of office condiments right after mayo.
Do you realize we’ve been talking about germs and haven’t venture into the restroom yet? That’s because these germs hang out all day at your desk or, on the ‘send’ button of the fax machine. And germs are great team players; they don’t discriminate against anyone. Gives a whole new meaning to team building, doesn’t it?
Want to know how many bacteria call the ‘copy’ button on the copier home? Dickens, millions of those little buggers wait to attach themselves to your fingertips waiting for one of those eighteen times you’re going to touch your face. Then they navigate their way to your nose or mouth.
But fear not ladies, I have a plan. If you can’t wash your hands after eating an apple, just ask the nearest male coworker to fax something for you. Then shake his hand as a ‘thank you’ gesture.
Because if we ban together ladies, I’m positive in six short months we can turn the tables on this study, causing men to be the culprits behind spreading germs in the office. Ahhh, it feels good to have a plan…I call it “Male Hygiene: The Epidemic.”
Can you imagine…not touching your face all day?
Excuse Me!
Column #194 3-25-10
Let’s face it, unexpected bodily functions are…well…unexpected. I know I don’t have to tell you that when a bodily function decides to arrive unannounced, ‘embarrassed’ isn’t a strong enough word to describe how it leaves you feeling. Especially in public or around people you hardly know. In fact, I’m not sure there is a word in the English language with a definition like:
“Holy */!*#*, there’s no way that SOUND came out of me! Somebody please tell me there’s a fog horn in the area before I rush myself to the hospital and tell them I swallowed one!”
Seriously, what other explanation is there?
Fog horn or not, unfortunately our only recourse is to usually utter a meek “excuse me” as we start planning our move to another state, including name change, plastic surgery and absolutely no further contact with anyone that…was there.
Well, I wouldn’t tell this story to just anyone, but I trust you. So just between us I had an unexpected bodily function once. Yes, just once. Hey, don’t give me that look. Girls just don’t have bodily function episodes like boys do. Everyone knows that, and I think it’s a scientific fact!
Anyway, back to my most embarrassing bodily function moment. It was just a few short years ago when I was around 14. Let’s see, I was in 9th grade and had my first boyfriend. (For lack of a better label.) His name was Steve and he had shoulder length blond hair and seemed quite taken with me. I, on the other hand, was extremely shy and awkward and had absolutely no idea what to do with a ‘boyfriend’. Honestly.
At any rate, Steve liked me and I knew it; even though I wasn’t totally comfortable with the idea of a boy having a crush on me. One day after school we somehow ended up at his parent’s apartment sitting on the sofa. He asked me to ‘go steady’ and I accepted because I thought it meant he’d carry my books in school and maybe we’d hold hands once in a while.
What I didn’t know was that Steve’s idea of ‘going steady’ meant trying to swallow me whole. I’ve told you about my ‘first kiss’ before and this was it. Ole Stevie-kins laid a French kiss on me and I thought he was trying to drown (or suffocate) me. Not a pleasant experience.
Totally grossed out and not sure what to do, I just tried to keep breathing as he obviously thought himself a pro in the art of Frenching. Yet frantically, my mind was racing as to how to escape and simultaneously rinse the slobber off my face. That’s when IT happened.
Yes, my unexpected bodily function.
Looking back now the only explanation I can offer is that I was so nervous my body reacted the only way it knew how. Let me paint the picture for you. Stevie-boy was slobbering away when I…well…I…um. Shoot, I thought I could tell you.
Just let me have a minute, okay?
Alright…I’m back. Thanks. Okay, I’m just going to blurt it out. There was Steve doing his ‘mopping the floor with his tongue’ impression when I hiccupped right in his mouth. I know, totally embarrassing right. But it momentarily stopped the slobbering and I took advantage of the situation by telling him my grandmother was calling me. Thank goodness he fell for it because I lived on the other side of the apartment complex and wouldn’t have heard Nana calling me if she was using a fog horn.
(Ladies, take it from me, if you find yourself in a compromising position with some guy and want out of there fast. Just let a bodily function fly…it really works.)
At any rate, Steve and I went steady for all of ten minutes. And I can honestly say that unexpected bodily function was the best thing about those ten minutes. Wowzer, I don’t even think I said ‘excuse me’.
Excuse me.
Can you imagine…mopping the floor with your tongue?
The Perfect Man
Column #202 5-20-10
Gentlemen, go tinker in the garage or find a ballgame on TV because the ladies and I have some things to discuss and you’ll just be in the way. That’s right, go on. We’ll call you when you can come back.
Okay ladies, you and I both know the ‘perfect man’ is a myth. He just doesn’t exist. Wishing for a ‘perfect man’ is like wishing there is no such thing as cellulite. It just ain’t happening! I know it’s disappointing, but so is cellulite.
However, I have gathered you here today because I’ve had an epiphany. Why not put our heads together and create the Perfect Man? I’m talking from his head to his…well, never mind…just start brain-storming ladies.
Who wants to go first? Come on, don’t be shy. This is just between us. Say whatever comes to mind first. WAIT! I see that look on your face Myra. Let’s keep this out of the gutter please…if at all possible. Okay now, ladies…any ideas?
Alright then I’ll start. My ‘perfect man’ would have to be at least six feet tall and not a smidgen shorter. Or at the very least own one pair of altitude…like cowboy boots, for instance. And since I’ve started with his appearance, who wants to add something?
“NO SPORTS!”
Karen, we hear you. Sorry you’re a sports widow sweetie, but we are talking about a man. Soooo …there might be some sports; but never on birthdays or anniversaries; even if it’s the Super Bowl. Can’t get more perfect than that, right?
Huh? What’s that Sally?
“Buns of steel!”
We hear ya! And if I may, loves us even if we don’t have buns of steel. How about…goes from suit and tie to jeans and cowboy boots in 7.5 seconds. In fact, my ‘perfect man’ would put down his briefcase, grab a fishing pole and take me out on the yacht for the day.
Oh sorry, getting a little carried away. Forgot this is our fantasy. Who’s next ladies?
“Blonde with blue eyes!”
Janie, isn’t that a man’s idea of a perfect woman? Actually, dark hair and blue eyes are amazing. Of course, gray hair is sexy on the right man also. Thanks for the visual.
Oh my, yes Kayla, a stud in the bedroom goes without saying. What man would be perfect unless he knew how, and took the time, to please his woman? And, in light of the recent newsworthy infidelities, our ‘perfect man’ believes s
trongly in monogamy and gives great foot massages. (Shame this is only a fantasy, I could use a foot massage tonight. In fact, I could use a foot massage anytime.)
Anyway, I think we’re all in agreement on our man’s face looking like Johnny Depps’; especially his character Captain Jack Sparrow. After all, he’s the only man I’ve seen that looks sexy in eyeliner. (David Bowie tried it, but Captain Jack nailed it!)
Oh my…Australian accent; good one! Yes, a body like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson…Tina, you go girl! Oh, hey, Julie say that again!
“A voice like a radio disc jockey.”
Yes, yes, but just the smooth, deep voice…not the looks. Seriously, who wants a Howard Stern, when you can have Sam Elliott sweet talk in your ear, right ladies? See, I knew once you got into it we could pull this man together.
Okay, let’s review…tall, built, accent, deep voice, sexy eyes… Of course, everything I’ve seen about Matthew McConaughey I like…great build, sexy eyes…hmm… Oops, focus, focus!
So now let’s consider the Perfect Man’s character. Obviously he’s an awesome guy, but why? Ladies, this is a partial list of exceptional characteristics our Perfect Man possesses. It starts with honesty, ends with affectionate and in between are qualities such as: Buys us gifts…just because, vacuums, hopelessly romantic, great communicator, charming, puts the toilet seat down, kind, loving, actually does his ‘honey-do’ list, sense of humor, loves unconditionally the things we