hate about our body, cuddles, doesn’t mind when our mother comes to visit, supportive, great listener, emotionally mature, and so comfortable in his own skin he’ll carry our suitcase-sized purse when we’re shopping.
Dickens, I want to meet this guy!
Wait! We forgot to mention excellent dancer. Or, that’s my fantasy…sorry.
Wowzer! I don’t know about you ladies, but I have been inspired to embark on a quest to find the Perfect Man. Wish me luck. By the way, as a final thought, the Perfect Man should have an ‘OFF’ button. After all, vibrators do.
Can you imagine…if the perfect man wasn’t a fantasy? (Double sigh.)
He Said, She Said
Column #212 7-29-10
Ladies, men are different than women. Who knew?
Okay, that wasn’t exactly a news flash but we’ve been suspecting it for years. And apparently it’s true. For instance, men usually have more body hair (even when it slides off the back of their head), tend to have slightly stronger muscles and they always seem to need more deodorant. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today.
Nope. Today we are here to discuss the ‘language’ of love. Yes, we’re here to talk about the things men say when they don’t say what they mean, or mean what they say.
Huh?… never mind.
On the other hand, women always say what they mean and communicate it very effectively I might add. In other words…let’s move along, shall we?
First, if you’re not currently in a relationship then you probably already know about cheesy pickup lines; although I did hear a good one once.
He said, “What do you mean when you look at me like that?”
Hmmm… doesn’t look as good typed as it sounded. (Must have been in the delivery.) At any rate, let’s flash forward and assume you are in a nurturing, happily-compatible relationship.
(It’s better if you play along.)
Now, for the sake of comparison and to prove women mean what they say, here’s an example. When a woman says, “Honey, I need a massage.” She means she would just about kill for a 45 minute foot, back or body massage.
However, when a man says, “How about a massage love muffin?”
What he really means is…he’ll rub your shoulders for all of 10.2 seconds (if that long), which men consider foreplay anyway because at precisely 10.3 seconds it’s full throttle to the heavy breathing stuff.
Lesson: if you really want a massage, to go to the spa.
Next, if you’re in a relationship you feel is going…well…its going. Suddenly, your handsome hunk of maleness says he “wants more freedom.” Now, before you get carried away and un-handcuff him from the bedpost (because I can just about guarantee that wasn’t what he was talking about) it’s best to discuss it with him first.
Word of caution, you probably won’t be able to decipher anything he says to explain himself. Because…quite honestly ladies…he doesn’t know himself. And therein lies the problem. So what does he mean? Well, I have it on good authority that men are looking for certain qualities in women, just like we look for in men…then end up settling. (Sorry, just typing out loud.)
Anyway, my source tells me that men are always on the lookout for a ‘cool girl’. And this ‘cool girl’ has it all, personality, humor, fun-loving, looks, does windows and is willing to wait on him hand and foot when he whines after dropping a wrench on his big toe.
What does this mean to you? It means you need to have your game on.
Well, there you have it! The secret to keeping a man is not really a secret. Besides, women are attracted to men who have their act together too. Or a Mercedes, Country Club membership and fully trained in total body massage. (Oops, that’s me.)
Well, don’t bother to try to analyze it any further. In fact, men are superficial so analyzing doesn’t work on most. Also, don’t try to ‘fix’ him, he’s not broken… he’s a man. But if all else fails, you’ll have no other recourse than to keep him handcuffed until he comes to his senses.
Be patient, it could take a while.
Can you imagine…a really cool guy?
Male and Female Parts
Column #236 1-13-11
After chips and salsa at a local restaurant a friend invited me to Karaoke night at… Well, I can’t mention the name, but it rhymes with ‘toddler’s cup.’ Of course, I hemmed and hawed because I wasn’t really interested in driving to another universe to embarrass myself.
But then I decided, “Why not?” Besides, I knew the owners and had spoken to them about teaching comedy classes there.
Actually, it was a tad early for Karaoke, so I stood at the bar wondering why I was standing at the bar. When suddenly, butter my buns and call me a biscuit, you’ll never believe who walked in the door! My favorite Oktoberfest Idol winner and his best friend, I almost fell over.
They hadn’t seen me yet so I yelled, “It’s me, Bobbi G!”
Suddenly there was an explosion of hugs, hugs and more hugs. Then after all the ‘shows of affection’ they told me they enjoy this column and never miss a week. At which point I started quizzing them to make sure they really read it. Actually, no, I was simply flattered they’ve kept up with me after all this time.
Then my friends convinced me I needed to sing with them. Of course, I’m more of a dancer. And I’ve already told you about the time I took singing lesson. (If you didn’t catch that column they gave me my money back. Yes, true story.) But I’ll try (almost) anything once. As long as it sounds fun… is legal… and tastes like chicken! So I thought, “Why the dickens not?”
Next thing I knew our names were called and we got up on stage to sing the song “Pictures.”
Usually folks, when I have a microphone in my hand I’m telling jokes or motivating people. But there I was on stage singing “I put your picture awaaaay….” Can’t tell you how I did, because it’s all a blur. I was just trying to remember which color I was supposed to be. You see; if you’ve never sung Karaoke before, the male and female parts are usually color coded so you’ll know when it’s your turn to sing. However, the advice I was given after the song referred to the microphone. Apparently, I wasn’t hitting the ‘sweet’ spot. Who knew?
All I can say to that is, thank goodness the dance music started. There is just something about music that speaks to my soul. So dickens, I peeled off a layer and hit the floor. We all burned up the dance floor to the Cupid’s Shuffle, some hip-hop and disco. Wowzer, we were having a blast!
The night ended as I nervously sang with my favorite singer, Rick, who can belt out any Conway Twitty song and sound just like him. Sigh. Except after we sang ‘It’s your love,” he said I didn’t know when to come in and go out. Well, I couldn’t exactly help it! The words weren’t color coded on that song, so I pretty much stuck to the chorus. And then he said I didn’t moan.
Hey, you want me to moan? How about a little candlelight, soft music, wine and…well, never mind. But seriously, if you’re going to have male and female parts they should be color coded.
Anyway, I had the best time that night. Meeting so many of you who read my column each week was very humbling. It means a lot to hear all of you say how much my weekly dose of zaniness or inspiration means to you. Because under this “Bobbi G” persona…cracking jokes…acting silly…and making sure everyone is laughing and having a great time is just a soft hearted woman who truly cares about you. And you showed me how much you care too. Thank you for being there for me, because, no matter what is going on in my life, it means the world to me to be here for you each week.
Can you imagine…color coded parts?
Kidding aside, for all of you in love, falling in love, or looking for love. This one’s for you. Enjoy!
Making Sense of Love
Column # 279 2-09-12
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and you’ve probably already made plans with your sweetheart. But if you haven’t shopped yet, fear not, it’s not too late. As a matter of fact, I was at the store this morning and encoun
tered an impressive array of heart-shaped boxes, while pink, white and red stuffed animals adorned the shelves. Yes friends, love is definitely in the air and it comes in a little red box that says, “I love you.”
But don’t confuse ‘warm and fuzzy’ love vibrations with loving your car, your dog or your red solo cup. Because actual love is the most cherished human emotion we long to share with someone forever. Love lets that special somebody know how very much you care, which brings me to my point: making ‘sense’ of love.
Simply put, if you think about it you’d realize being in love consumes all five of our senses. Yet, before we get to those I want to add two additional senses.
First, being in love should include a huge dose of common sense, which means not taking your love for granted, showing respect and basically treating them like you like to be treated. Because it’s the little things in a relationship that make it work like saying “please” and “thank you” simply to let the love of your life know how much you appreciate their kindness.
Which brings me to the second (additional) sense, only this one should never be in any relationship. It’s non-sense. Non-sense in any relationship would be: lying, cheating, manipulating, controlling, arguing or any other negative behavior that doesn’t belong in a loving relationship; or, any relationship for that matter.
Yet, being in love means we should always make the most of our five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Just imagine