I woke to the feeling of warmth against my face. I didn't have to open my eyes to know what it was, or I should say who it was. At some point in our sleep we gravitated to each other more. I had turned toward him wrapping my arms around him and putting my head in the crook of his neck. In turn, he had wrapped his arms around me and held me to him. This felt right.
If I were being honest with myself I would admit that I was never in love with Braydon. He had reminded me of Zavier in so many ways. I was attracted to him, yes. I wasn't in love with him as I had told him.
I guess I knew it all along. I mean, I was able to kiss Zavier with Braydon in the next room. I didn't feel guilty when he kissed me in front of Braydon, when I really should have. And if I wanted to be brutally honest with myself, I had known all along Braydon wasn't interested in me either. He had never acted it. What happened at Dean's was nothing more than emotions running wild.
I opened my eyes and could see the guys sitting across the room huddled together talking. For some reason I knew Braxton was telling what had happened. I didn't want to deal with it just yet. I didn't want to think of how much they would hate me. Me going into a fit like that was an insult to them. It was the same as saying I didn't think they could protect themselves.
A wave of dizziness hit me and my stomach turned. I sit up in case I were to get sick and lost my breath. Images flashed in my head. I could see Dean standing next to the bed telling me how disappointed he was in me. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How was this possible?
By the time everything stopped I was breathing ragged and Zavier was holding me against him asking questions. It sounded like he was underwater trying to talk to me. No, it was more like I was underwater. Deep, deep under the water. That's how it felt. Not like I was drowning but the pressure and the way everything around me seemed distorted.
“Rissa, talk to me.”
Gabe was standing in front of me with a flashlight shining it in my eyes.
“Do I have a concussion?”
That would explain everything, right? I had never had one. I really didn't know. Studying things and having them happen to you were two different things. I knew I had never hit my head hard enough, at least until I was shot. When that bullet impacted with me it knocked me down. I knew I had hit my head. Could I have hit it hard enough for a concussion?
“I don't know. What's wrong? Talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling.”
At that moment he sounded more like a psychiatrist. Maybe I needed one. Maybe I was finally losing it. I shouldn't have called myself crazy and psychopathic all those times. It was happening.
I told Gabe everything but the images I saw. He got his phone out and called someone. Kyle must have left. I could hear him relaying everything I said I had felt. A shiver ran down my spine. I couldn't stop my body from trembling from it. Something bad was coming this way. I could feel it.
“He said it was probably more likely the effects from the shot he had given you earlier.”
I nodded and tried to smile. He didn't buy it. He stood there staring at me so I turned around. I didn't want to have to talk to him.
Zavier pulled me onto his lap. He was whispering things in my ear trying to calm me. I moved and whispered in his ear asking if Dean had been here, his response was no. Yeah, I was losing it. Hallucinations so many hours after a drug already wearing off was unusual. Not unheard of but this felt so real.
When the door slid open and Dean walked in I froze. My breath caught in my throat. When the dark started creeping up on me and my alarm went off I gasped. I was doing everything I could to calm down. Everyone was standing there staring at me.
Dean walked over to the hospital bed and placed a hand on the railing. He looked at me with concern in his eyes.
“Are you alright?”
“Adverse reactions to the medication Dr. Winthrop gave her. She's fine.”
Gabe sounded so sure of himself. I on the other knew he was wrong. Dean, of course, believed Gabe after he explained that he had called Kyle to confirm it.
“I wanted to speak with you princess. Are you up to it?”
I nodded my head with jerky movements. I opened my mouth to speak but even after clearing my throat several times nothing but air would come out. Zavier handed me a cup of water. I choked on it as I tried to get it down. My throat was tightening from the tension. He grabbed something I couldn't see and began wiping off my face and gown.
“Maybe we should wait,” Dean said as he looked at me. He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath.
I had always heard it was better to get things over with than to keep putting it off. I shook my head at Dean and motioned for him to continue. He pursed his lips and nodded a slow nod to me.
“I never thought I'd ever have to say this but you disobeyed me Marissa. You went against a direct order from your director and did what you wanted to do. You even encouraged two others to do the same. I'm very disappointed in you.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. I couldn't figure out if I was more scared over what I had seen or upset over being a disappointment to the man that helped raise me. I knew I had to deal with both things but there was nothing I could do for my mental health at the moment, so I tried to focus all my attention on the problem at hand.
I coughed into my fist and then wiped my mouth off. I took a calm breath and raised my head to look Dean in the eyes.
“You're right. What I did was wrong. I should have waited. I wasn't thinking. I put both them and myself in great danger. I know you don't believe that I learn my lesson from it but I did. I had to sit here while they were gone. I had to listen to their alarms screaming at me and could do nothing about it knowing the entire time it was my fault.”
“I also owe every one of you an apology. I overreacted.” I closed my eyes to calm my raging heart. “I've done everything I could to protect each of you. Going as far as to get myself almost killed to protect you. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I was able to do it but what I mean is I know I have to realize you are all capable of doing it yourselves.
“You are no longer the boys I played with growing up. You're men. Grown, strong, intelligent, and more than capable of taking care of yourselves. I'm proud of each of you. You are the elite. The best out of them all. You're no longer just my guys, you're my men and it scares me. Terrifies me. I know one day each of you are going to realize that you don't have to be around me all the time. You are going to want to start families and move on. You're each going to want to leave me behind and I don't know how to deal with that.
“As for me disobeying you, I shouldn't have. I didn't even stop to check if I had been injured. Then after getting there, after finding out I had been injured, I didn't tell anyone until it was over. On top of that, Dad was safer in the panic room than he would have been here. I had put four lives at stake. I will accept any punishment you give me willingly and without complaint. That goes for all of you. If you all feel you want to punish me for the pain, suffering, and insult to your manhood, then I will accept that punishment as well.”
I sat there and waited but no one said a word. What was I supposed to do now? They just stared off into space lost in thought.
I struggled to get out of the bed. I could feel the stitches pulling with certain movements. I was determined however. I reached over and grabbed the other gown that was draped over a chair and put it on so that it covered my backside. I looked up to see each of them watching me.
I walked around the room to the center and turned toward them. I got down on one knee and put my right hand over my heart.
“I pledge my allegiance to you. To my Director, I pledge to obey you, honor you and never fail you if at all possible. I will defend you in all things. And perform the duties of the black rose as you see fit. To my men, I pledge to treat you as such. To honor you and stand by your sides not as your leader but as an equal.
“I will defend you in all things but accept that you can perform your dutie
s without my assistance should the need arise. To you all, I pledge to assure the safety of others as well as myself before performing my job. I will not keep it from you should I be injured and I will get help as soon as possible.
“I also pledge to never give up. It was selfish of me to even think it. And I want to apologize to you, Shayden, Sage, and Zavier, that I would have even tempted to end my life. If something would have happened to you then it would have been an insult to what you had done for me. I want you three to know I am ashamed of how I reacted and beg for your forgiveness.”
Images began flashing in my head again. My breathing became ragged, my vision began to spin and my body felt as if it were convulsing.
“Marissa, what are you seeing?” Zavier's voice whispered in my ear.
“Marissa?”
Gabe was knelt down in front of me and Dean was hovering close by. I guess it was time to face the truth. They shouldn't have to deal with a nutcase. They needed to know that the person they trusted with their life was not mentally stable any longer.
“I'm having hallucinations. I could see you come in here before you came. I knew what you were going to say. I'm losing my mind and I think I need help.”
Gabe rocked back on his heels. His eyes were wide as he slowly looked away from me to look at his dad.
“What did you see this time?” Zavier asked again.
“A gun pointed at my head.” I swallowed hard.
Gabe relaxed and looked at me. “Marissa you are not losing your mind. The medication is causing this. Think for a moment. You knew Dad would come in here and say something to you about what you did. It was only a matter of time. As for the gun, I'd say it was because of what you went through. Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.”
“Was it Daniel you saw?”
“No I didn't really get a look at their face. I saw two letters on their last two fingers. T-E. Then he hit me with his gun across my jaw. I fell to the floor. I heard the gun go off and when I looked over there was a bullet hole in the floor less than an inch beside my head.”
“Did you see his face then?”
I shook my head.
“Well that was not how it happened,” Sage said.
“It doesn't matter her brain is making it go the way she thinks it should have went.
“Why didn't you see his face?”
“It was gone. He fell to the floor. Shayden was standing behind him with a gun. The man had a dark red shirt on and blue jeans. There was no wedding band. The gun was a .32 caliber pistol. He hurts me. He knocks two of my teeth out when he hits me. My back teeth.”
Everyone was sitting there staring at me. Except Zavier. He takes my hand and put the other under my other arm and helps me up.
“I'm hungry. Can I eat?”
All of the guys look at me as if I had two heads before turning to look at Dean.
“He said you could but you need to take it slow so that it doesn't make you sick. He also said he would let you go down to your room so you can stay with the men. You aren't allowed to train until he feels you are ready. You also have to promise to take it easy, if you don't, Gabe is instructed to medicate you and keep you that way until he can return.”
Dean's use of the word men didn't escape me. Normally he was like me, we called them guys. This meant he took what I said to heart. I just hope they did too.