Now, although sneezes are usually a surprise, there are times when you know they’re in there and you just want them to leave. What’s worse than that frustratingly stubborn sneeze? I’m talking about the kind that pauses all conversation, leaving your friends stuck grimacing and watching you writhe in an agitated Potentially Sneezing Soon State, trying to force the sneeze locked in your nose in or out.
It’s awkward.
That’s why it feels great to let that booming sneeze out, preferably in a punctuated rat a tat tat sequence of three or more sneezes for the full effect. Tiny mousesqueak sneezes, booming dogbark sneezes, whatever your style, that’s cool, that’s cool. Pretty soon your body is buzzing, your sinuses are sparkling, and your head pipes are all vacuumed clean.
AWESOME!
The smell of Play – Doh
Sniff up some fumes and get ready for a brain cell party.
Yes, those sleeping memories from long ago will wake up and bounce and crash around your head as you close your eyes and let that salty sweetness take you back to kindergarten.
Fade to black and remember slightly greasy hands with bits in the fingernails, remember mixing all the colors together until they turned purply-brown, remember rolling out lots of cold lopsided worms, and remember the taste-test incident that resulted in a cold and salty mouth.
Yes, that smell of Play-Doh takes us way back to the old school. If you’re sniffing up what we’re putting down, then you’re an old fool who’s so cool. If you wanna get back, let us show you the way.
Whoomp, there it is.
Lemme hear you say
AWESOME!
Junk drawers
“Honey, have you seen my measuring tape?”
“I think it’s in that drawer in the kitchen with the scissors, matches, bobby pins, Scotch tape, nail clippers, barbecue tongs, garlic press, extra buttons, old birthday cards, soy sauce packets, thick rubber bands, stack of Christmas napkins, stained take-out menus, old cell-phone chargers, instruction booklet for the VCR, some assorted nickels, an incomplete deck of cards, extra chain links for a watch, a half-finished pack of cough drops, a Scrabble piece I found while vacuuming, dead batteries we aren’t fully sure are dead yet, a couple screws in a tiny plastic bag left over from the bookshelf, that lock with the forgotten combination, a square of carefully folded aluminum foil, an expired pack of gum, a key to our old house, a toaster warranty card, phone numbers for unknown people, used birthday candles, novelty bottle openers, a barbecue lighter, and that one tiny little spoon.”
“Thanks, honey.”
AWESOME!
Hot cream and a straight razor on your neck at the barbershop
Okay, first off, it just feels great. Because really, how often do you get something nice and warm smeared on the back of your neck? Speak up if you’re getting this action somewhere else, because we’re all ears. For me, it’s only when I go to that old-school barbershop—the one with the red and white striped pole out in front, the old dog-eared Sports Illustrateds from the 1990s sitting on the table, and no formal system at all for figuring out who’s next in line.
Secondly, how cool is that straight razor blade? Maybe it’s a bit dangerous. Maybe it’s unhygienic. But it sure is a giant blade, is what I’m saying. You have to respect a man who can wield such a mighty and powerful weapon. I mean, scissors I could handle. Sure, if you let me cut your daughter’s hair, I’d probably give her a messy faux-hawk by accident, but the point is that scissors don’t scare me. Now, that giant blade is another story. It would take a lot to convince me to slice that thing across a man’s neck for the first time.
Finally, how close is that shave? Dude, it’s like you’ve never had hair on your neck before. Suddenly you’re transformed into a ten-year-old boy. And you know, you sort of felt like one anyway, because the barber is generally older than your dad and dispenses life advice pretty liberally. Either that or he talks about boxing like in the movies.
Now, the only real problem with the hot shaving cream and a straight razor on your neck is that it’s pretty tough to find these days. Which is sad, since apparently straight-razor shaving has been around approximately six thousand more years than any of us. So I say let’s bring it back, folks. Let’s keep demanding that our neck beards be trimmed with the slice of a nice blade. And then maybe people at barbershop school will line up to learn The Art of the Knife.
AWESOME!
Stumbling on an elusive rerun of your favorite TV show
This champion channel flip can happen in three big ways:1. The Missing Link. This is when you suddenly realize you haven’t seen this episode before—ever! You love the show, you’re a huge fan, you’ve seen most episodes ten times ... but now you landed on the missing link. Maybe you always knew this episode existed but didn’t get to witness it until today. You know you landed on a missing link if you find yourself saying things like “Is this the backwards episode?,” “So that’s when she got braces,” or “Ahhhh, now I get that joke mentioned later in the series. My soul is at peace.”
2. The Full Fave. Here’s when you find your favorite episode of the series and get giddy with anticipation. Maybe it’s The Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, the time Carlton gets cut from the frat, or that dark day when Jessie Spano takes too many caffeine pills. Chances are good you’ve seen the end of this one twenty times and that’s exactly what makes the full version such a sweet release.
3. The Surprise Marathon. This gem involves crashing on a surprise rerun of your favorite show on a Sunday afternoon. You watch till the end and then are surprised when just before you flick off the TV ... another one starts up again! You raise your eyebrows and smile before settling back into your couch dent and checking the local listings out of curiosity. That’s when your blood starts bubbling with excitement as you realize you just stumbled on a surprise marathon.
People, when this happens it’s a great big rush of excitement in the middle of your family room. You’ve gotta dim those lights, pop that corn, and stare deeply at the glittery gold moment before you.
AWESOME!
When you open a book to the exact page you were looking for
You cracked the case.
When you pop open that textbook, flip open the yellow pages, or split the spine of that novel right to the spot you’re looking for, it’s a beautiful moment.
Suddenly you transform into a gloomy trench-coat-wearing detective who solves the case just by glancing at the crime scene. Yes, the street’s been taped off, someone’s crying under a blanket on the curb, and the city police are filling out witness statements on their notepads.
That’s when you peel up in a navy blue squad car, calmly light up a cigarette, and then stare at the surrounding buildings for a few minutes with cold, emotionless eyes.
Then you calmly walk back to your cruiser, smile softly, and roll your window down at the local police.
“Page 127,” you mutter with a half smile, before screaming away down the wet city roads.
AWESOME!
Catching food in your mouth
Toss it mean and catch it clean.
Drop that jaw, tilt that head, and let’s get down to business:• Level 1: Pop Practice. It’s important to start small with popcorn. There are no penalties for misses here, since the corn is light and doesn’t collect much dust if it hits the ground. This is a baby step and will take time to master, but it’s an important rite of passage before hitting the next levels. This level also covers marshmallows and Cheerios. (+5 points)
• Level 2: The Grape Beyond. Yup, next step is big ol’ grapes. Usually someone on the other end of the couch is munching a vine in their own little bowl. If you’re feeling a bit hungry, simply drop your mouth and tap the couch cushion while saying “Uhn! Uhn! Uhnnnnn!” to get their attention. Soon a cold, hard grape should be flying at you fast. If the toss is good, make sure you catch it perfectly. Raspberries and strawberries are in Level 2 as well. (+10 points)
• Level 3: Dog On A Bone. This extremely advanced mov
e involves catching something larger than your entire mouth. An apple, peeled orange, or corn on a cob are good targets. You need to time the molar chomp perfectly and be prepared for embarrassing T-shirt stains and occasional black eyes. (+25 points)
Yes, when you catch food in your mouth, you’re suddenly sitting high on top of the snack-eating universe. You’ve just combined equal parts laziness and athletic ability in a daring couch potato feat the likes of which this basement has never seen before. So when you nail it smoothly you know what to do.
Chomp it loud and chew it proud.
AWESOME!
Making it halfway
Maybe you’re running on the treadmill when you catch the clock tick past the middle of your sweaty jog. Maybe you’re painting the nursery when you realize you’re right in the middle of your pregnancy. Or maybe you’re on a long Sunday drive to visit a hometown friend when you pass that rusty gas station halfway down the highway.
Yes, it sure is sweet making it halfway anywhere. It means you got started, you gave it a shot, and now you’re doing it, baby.
When you make it halfway, take a moment to smile and enjoy where you’re at. Because sure, there’s a lot in that rearview mirror, but there’s so much around the bend too.
Let’s keep going.
AWESOME!
Realizing you still remember your childhood friend’s phone number
Etched and sketched into the spiderweb recesses of our brains are all kinds of coldstorage items and garage sale knickknacks we don’t really use anymore. But once in a while it’s fun to reach back, back, way back, and discover that our creaky treasure chests are holding bits of buried gold.
Realizing you still remember old phone numbers gives a great smile-and-sunshine vibe. Lips curl, eyes twinkle, and memory reels start whirring on the rusty projector as you remember dialing those digits, day after day, day after day, day after day. Making plans for the park, grumbling about teachers, whispering about cute classmates late at night, you just suddenly remember those times, those moments, and those old, old friends.
Dial them up today.
AWESOME!
Laughing so hard you start crying
It’s a beautiful moment.
Your friend suddenly starts shaking her head while laughing so hard little streams of salty tears start running down her cheeks. She covers her mouth with her hands as her face turns red—and you can see shiny reflections sparkle in her glittery wet eyes. Big booms bounce off walls until she eventually slows down, gasps for air while wet sniffling, smiling widely, and regaining her composure.
And then she looks you right in the eyes and smiles. And you look her right in the eyes and smile. And your sides hurt and you shake your head and you feel like you might pee your pants . . .
And it starts all over again ...
AWESOME!
Wearing your favorite pair of underwear and nobody knows
You know the ones.
Maybe they fit perfectly, don’t ride up, and leave nothing bulging over the edges. Yes, they flatter in all the right places and all the right spaces, baby.
Or maybe you’re a straightlaced Sally and they’re your wildly inappropriate pair that turn you into a G-String Rebel. Caution: RED HOT!
Or ... maybe they’re just the perfect shade of the perfect color and you’ve had them in your dresser drawer for ages. Maybe they remind you of a special moment or a memory that’s fun to keep to yourself all day. Maybe they just give you a little more confidence for that speech or first date.
But whatever yours are and whatever they look like, there’s something great about giving yourself a smile. Because hey, wearing your favorite underwear when nobody knows is a cheap way to think positive thoughts without doing anything too earth-shattering.
It’s just a simple thing for a simple smile.
AWESOME!
Any food that requires Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins to eat
My friend Mike once broke a tooth on a chicken wing.
Yup, snapped a big chunk off one night when he chomped down on a fatty, bony, sauce-drenched wing. But you know what? Mike just kept right on eating. With his new fang he looked like a bear that just woke up from hibernation, stumbled to the river, scooped a salmon out, and then started gnawing viciously on its raw belly, pink guts spraying everywhere.
No, there wasn’t anything more important to Mike at that moment than finishing that delicious chicken wing, not even if it meant infecting exposed roots, cracking more teeth, or spraying sauce all over the table. He was in the Any Food Requiring Wet-Naps And Napkins Zone. His eyes staring straight ahead, his sticky, coated fingers balancing and turning the wing an inch from his face, Mike didn’t stop until he had turned the wing into a needle-thin bone and tossed it on the scrap plate. Then he leaned back on his chair gasping for air, bright red sauce and guts smeared all over his mouth and fingers.
When I tell people this story they usually nod their head and say something like “Were the wings any good?” or “I love chicken wings.” But this makes sense, because who really cares about Mike’s tooth? He’ll get it fixed. The point here is that wings are delicious. In fact, any food that requires Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins is delicious. Ribs, rotisserie chicken, chili cheese fries? Delicious, delicious, even more delicious. All requiring Wet-Naps and a stack of napkins.
We know these foods are great because of what happens whenever you’re out late at a bar and somebody orders a pitcher, and then somebody else raises their eyebrows, looks around the table, and goes “Wings?” If this happens, no matter what you have to say: “Ohhhhhh ... no, I really shouldn’t.” Then you let a long pause just hang in the air as you slowly purse your lips and allow a very thin smile to reveal itself on your face. Then very quickly give an exasperated “I give in” laugh, a head shake, and an “Alright, I’m in!” and you’re done! (To show decisiveness and finality, it’s also recommended you toss your menu into the center of the table and tell a really long story about some hot wings you once ordered that turned out to be much hotter than you expected.)
So there you go. Messy, sticky, saucy food is great. You order it, you polish it off, and then there are three ways to use the Wet-Nap and napkin combo at the end:Method #1: Use the napkin first. Draw off all the extra sauce and random fried crumbs, and then clean up real nice afterward with the Wet-Nap. Perfect!
Method #2: Use the Wet-Nap first. Rub that thing until it turns red and cleans off your fingers, then dry off with the stack of napkins. Perfect!
Method #3: Here napkins are used pre – and post – Wet-Nap. The idea is that they first remove all the big crumbs, then the Nap comes in to clean everything off real nice, and finally the napkins return for the big dry-off. Perfect!
Whatever your style, one thing’s for sure: When that handful of Wet-Naps and stack of napkins arrives at the table, you better get yourself ready for a great night.
AWESOME!
When your windshield wipers match the beat of the song you’re listening to
Cruising home from a friend’s place, driving the kids to school, rolling home on the highway, you smile softly and focus on the road as your head bops to the stereo.
Suddenly clouds cover the sky, the air gets heavy, and big drops start pitter-pattering your windshield. Snare drum staccatos fill your car’s cabin and you quickly flip on your windshield wipers.
But if you’re lucky this is when the groove starts grooving and your car starts moving as you notice your wipers are timed perfectly to the stereo beats. Yes, without even trying, your rusty bucket’s become a pitch-perfect concert hall on the highway. Chattery crowds start filing down the aisles, the balcony fills up, and the lights slowly dim as whispers fill the air.
Hands clapping, fingers tapping, you click your turn signal on so a little high hat and dashboard disco light join your dance party on wheels. With your body bumping and your brain thumping, your one-man jam band rocks out in the fast lane.
It feels like everything’s coming togeth
er for a great big booming moment. You sing along as cosmic energy swirls and the universe gives a little wink to let you know everything’s unfolding according to plan.
AWESOME!
Sitting on your freshly made bed and admiring your work after cleaning your room
Once again your room is at the top of its game.
No more tripping on crumpled jeans flowers on your way to the light switch. No more grabbing random sweaters off your desk only to notice streaky mustard stains later in the day. Nope, no more dust bunnies, no more dried-out pudding cups, and no more bedside tables jammed with junk.
As you sit on your bed and look around you enjoy a brief moment of living in a furniture magazine. Crisp and clean, free and fresh, you can practically hear the phone ringing and a fast-talking group of Scandinavian engineers begging to come over and study your work.
Let them come over and stare down their glasses at your tightly crisped bedsheets. Let them make clipboard notes on your clean-carpet vacuum streaks. And let them swipe their lab coat sleeves on your dust-free couch seats.
Yes, you killed a few hours cleaning up the joint and now your place is looking sparkling and special. Stop for a moment to let it all soak in.
AWESOME!
Eating cookies like Cookie Monster
It sure is a sign of gluttonous satisfaction when you find yourself home alone, slouching on the couch in front of the TV with your eyes half open, a steady trail of cookie crumbs making its way from your mouth onto your shirt and pants, chocolate smears on your lips and fingers, and the telltale cookie package lying beside you, the plastic tray peeled all the way out of the bag, entire rows lying vacant except for a bit of brown dust and maybe a rogue chocolate chip or two.