Long live the king. Long live the queen.
Long live your new kingdom of
AWESOME!
The sound of airplane toilet flushes
I was on a long flight not too long ago, one where they turn the lights out for most of the trip and everybody is just lying like jelly all over their seats fast asleep. Legs propped up over armrests, seats reclined into laps, and headphones, blankets, and eye masks creating cocoon-like defenses against all light, sound, and touch.
Frankly, I don’t like flights like this because I feel really uncomfortable. I think I’m going to wake people up and bother them. I feel like I’m hanging out in a nursery and I’ve finally got all the babies asleep, and now I just have to sit in a rocking chair in the corner taking quiet, calculated breaths until the sun rises.
It’s very stressful.
I have always been paranoid about waking people up. When I was younger and would come home late, I would take about twenty minutes to get from the driveway into my bed. I tiptoed up the walk, slid my house key in the door very slowly, took my shoes off outside, and crept upstairs to the bathroom like a burglar. Often I wouldn’t even flush until morning, preferring to let my business simmer overnight rather than wake somebody up with the sound of it zooming through walls on its way out of the house.
On the airplane I don’t tilt my seat back too far because I think I might crowd the person behind me. I walk down the aisle very carefully, grabbing chairs and overhead compartments for support so that a sudden jolt of turbulence doesn’t knock me into a sleeping grandma’s lap. I have brief visions of shattering her hip and sending her dentures flying into someone’s glass of wine.
It is because of my attempts to keep really quiet on these Voyages of the Subconscious that I am fascinated by the toilets in the airplane.
First of all, they exist! The fact that you can go to the bathroom on an airplane is pretty novel. I bet nobody expected that a hundred years ago. Can you imagine two sailors looking over the front rails of their massive ocean liner in the early 1900s, one of them pointing way up in the clouds and whispering to the other, “One day a man will take a crap up there.” No, me neither.
Anyway, after we get over the fact that these bathrooms exist, let’s talk about that amazing flush. You do your thing, close that lid, hit that little plastic button, and a second later there’s a full five seconds of giant, full-force, vacuumsucking noises. It’s so loud it’s unbelievable—like a transport truck full of silverware crashing into a pyramid of wineglasses on the dirt patch between two World War I trenches.
See, apparently airplanes use something called vacuum toilets. I guess these big guys are perfect for the job because they don’t use much water and are fairly low maintenance. Just one little side effect, though: When you flush them it sounds like the world is exploding.
Personally, I love that beautifully loud airplane toilet flush. And since I can’t very well leave a gift bowl for the next passenger, I’m forced to press the button. The noise of that flush undoubtedly wakes up the last few rows on the airplane every time, so I have no choice but to confront my fears.
So I say thanks, airplane toilet flush. Your whooshing, vacuum-packed boomflush wakes the whole world up.
AWESOME!
Actually pointing out a constellation in outer space
Growing up between streetlights and neon pizza signs it was pretty rare to stare up at a dark sky full of sparkly stars.
Now, if we went camping or up to a friend’s cottage, that was a different story. That’s when we could zip open our tent or lie on the dock and gaze up at the twinkly beauty above us all. We’d just tilt our necks, drop our jaws, and wonder how big it was, how far it went, and what the tentacled, salivacovered aliens looking back at us were thinking.
It didn’t happen too often, but every once in a while somebody would pick out a few bright stars and point out a constellation way up there, light-years away, worlds apart, and sparkling for all eternity. We’d hear stories about bulls, belt buckles, and the private affairs of many Greek gods.
Of course, I could only ever see one thing up there myself: The Big Dipper aka The Plough. Sometimes I thought I’d see something else only to have an older kid tell me I was looking at a plane, a blinking satellite, or occasionally the moon.
That’s why when you actually point out a constellation in outer space you feel like a genius with a PhD in Good Eyesight . You’re no longer the dude responsible for finding marshmallow roasting sticks, grabbing bug spray from the tent, or dumping a pail of water onto the fire before we head to bed. No, now you’re a worldly space explorer raising your eyebrows and pointing out the window as we all fly forward through the darkness.
AWESOME!
Whipping down the hill really fast on your bike after pedaling hard all the way up
Wind whips through your hair and smacks your cheeks as you scream down the slope at the rip-rocketing speed of
AWESOME!
Watching a movie in the basement with a group of friends
It’s better in the basement.
Give us the stained couches demoted from the family room. Give us those plastic walls full of pink insulation. Give us those cold floors and thin carpets.
Give us that dark cave hidden from the outside world.
Give us a group of friends hanging out.
And give us a screwball comedy.
Yes, it’s time to order that pizza, fall into the squishy couch, pile pillows against one another, and pass the fuzzball blankets. It’s time to enjoy a good movie with a group of friends—ideally featuring several of these characters:• The Waiter. Sure, the host usually covers this job—filling popcorn, pouring Pepsis—but if the gang’s supertight someone else can take it on. If you know your friend’s pantry well and they don’t mind you raccooning around, feel free to take orders and go digging for gold.
• The Punch Line. This is the person who adds the live commentary from the corner of the couch. He generally tries to top the characters onscreen and his favorite line is “That’s gotta hurt!”
• The Revealer. The Revealer saw this movie already. You find that out the first time they say “Shhhhhh! Good scene coming up, good scene.”
• The Maestro. This is a high-pressure role that involves owning the remote control for the entire movie. The Maestro is responsible for determining which bathroom breaks are pause-worthy and when to rewind and rewatch an important scene. Also, they must be comfortable cranking the volume if The Revealer (“Good scene!”) and The Punch Line (“Gotta hurt!”) start talking too loudly.
• The Graphics Judge. Does that plane crash look fake? Do those dinosaurs look real? The Graphics Judge offers instant analysis on all special effects scenes.
• The Snoozer. No matter how loud the explosions, how tight the plot, or how dramatic the chase scene, The Snoozer can be counted on to let out a few quiet snores just as things are getting good. Sometimes it’s best to seat The Snoozer on the same faraway couch as The Person Who Covers Their Eyes And Gasps During Scary Scenes and The Person Who Cries All The Time, Even If It’s Not A Sad Film.
• The Dimmer. This person is obsessed with movie theater atmosphere. Ten seconds into the movie they frantically start a mad dash to turn off every light in the room. This seems like a good idea until someone has to blindman’s bluff their way up the rickety stairs to go to the bathroom.
Now, every group’s got their own cast of characters. It’s good to love them all and it’s good to love those moments.
After all, friends grow up and graduate, some people change and roll on, and life wheels and deals us in all directions. So love those late nights in sixth grade with root beer and double cheese pizzas. Love those 4 a.m. Fridays in high school when everyone’s friends and everything’s funny.
Just remember those long nights, strong nights, and staying-up-till-dawn nights. Smile hard at the smiles, laugh loud at the laughs, and always enjoy those basement movie memories ... with your basement mov
ie friends.
AWESOME!
Your tongue
Babies are funny.
While I was zooming down the highway with my friend Agostino recently he broke into a story about his one-year-old daughter. Apparently while feeding her a bowl of mushy peas she suddenly started sticking her tongue out, slowly and suspiciously peering down at it, and then wiggling it around.
It was like she suddenly came to the starstruck realization that “I can control this thing!”
And what an amazing day that must be, for you, for me, for anybody. After all, we grow up inside these flabby blobs of flexy muscles, whirring organs, and gurgling body parts, and then discover what everything does along the way.
The mysteries of your tongue are sort of discovered along the way too. And what beautiful mysteries they are:1. Tongue got your cat. Yes, the muscles at the back of your tongue help make certain sounds while talking like hard g’s and c’s. Try saying the word go or cat really slowly and you’ll feel that pink puppy push across the roof of your mouth.
2. Bubble blower. Hey, that wad of chewing gum ain’t gonna balloon into a thin n’ shaky pink bubble on its own.
3. Whistle while you work. Think of your mouth like the cold garage where your lips and tongue come together to jam after school. Your lips make a small opening and your tongue gets the bumping grooves going. Also works for singing.
4. Taste the rainbow. When you’re a one-year-old baby you’ve got around ten thousand taste buds covering your tongue and when you’re a wrinkly old fart you’ve got around five thousand. These tiny flavor detectors are why mushy bananas and macaroni taste so good when you’re a kid and bloody steaks and olives do the job when you’re older. On top of all that, your tongue helps move food to your teeth and then down the gully for digestion. It’s basically the whistle-blowing traffic cop of your body.
5. Clean your fur. If your entire body is covered in fur your tongue helps you clean off instead of taking a bath.
6. French kissing. Apparently swapping spit is a common gesture of affection throughout the animal kingdom, as lovers kiss with their tongues in jungles, deserts, and bat caves throughout the world. Evolutionary biologist Thierry Lode even argues that tongue kissing has a real function—to explore a partner’s immune system through their saliva. Yeah, I know: hot.
Once upon a time you discovered your tongue with a profound sense of eye-widening wonder and amazement. Over time you began using its magical powers to try new foods, learn how to speak, sing in the car, or snuggle up with a young love.
So today give three cheers to that fleshy pink slab of greatness sitting inside your hot, disgusting mouth. Use its noble powers to sit back and scream forward one big booming word with me ...
AWESOME!
When your friend makes sure you get into the house safe after dropping you off at the end of the night
When your friend drops you off after a lazy hazy night, it’s always nice when they sit with their engine quietly revving till you get in the door. And when you pop it open, make sure to wave back so they can bee-beep or flash their headlights to say good night before quietly drifting away down the dark suburban roads ...
AWESOME!
Accidentally doing something really good in sports
I’m terrible at sports.
When I was a kid I retired from soccer after just one season. In my final game I took a booted ball right to the face which snapped my glasses in two and caused me to crash to the field in a wet, goobery mess. Unfortunately, since we were low on players and couldn’t forfeit the big playoff game, I was forced to hang out on the field, blind and drippy, until the whistle blew.
And it wasn’t just soccer either. I hung up the cleats after a season of baseball too. Somehow I managed to bat fourteenth in the lineup and lead my team in hit by pitches. This was less because I crowded the plate with gritted teeth and steely determination and more because most twelve-year-olds can’t pitch straight and I have extremely slow reflexes.
Since I’m so bad at sports, I tend to overcelebrate any type of tiny sports victory I can get. I’m not talking about shooting a buzzer-beating three-pointer or catching a winning touchdown. No, I’m talking about any teeny-weeny play during the game where I get to feel like I actually did something right for a second.
Here are some of my faves: 1. The Air Hockey Self-Score. This is where your opponent fires the plastic puck so hard it bounces off your end and scores on their own net. Fist pumps all around.
2. The Accidental Pool Shot. Here’s where you aim for the six ball in the corner pocket but miss completely and send the cue ball spinning wildly around the table until it accidentally bumps another ball into a completely different pocket. We’ll take it.
3. Rim Rollers. Okay, over to basketball. This is when your shot bounces off the side of the backboard and clangs around for ten seconds, bouncing in every direction, before eventually, reluctantly, spinning around the rim and slowly falling into the basket.
4. The Lucky Golf Bounce. The only way my terrible golf shot is landing on the fairway is if it smacks off a tree trunk in the forest and pops back out. Bouncing a hundred feet in the air off the paved golf cart path might also do the trick.
5. The Slow Strike. Do you ever go bowling? If you’re as bad as I am you love that moment when your ball barely nudges a corner pin and causes a slowmotion domino effect that eventually gives you a strike. Time for a Stage Dance or Hulk Hogan pose.
6. The Tennis Drop-off. Here’s my favorite one of all. Yes, when you win a point in tennis by hitting the ball into the net and having it immediately fall over and die on the other side, that’s just perfect.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: These are all terrible cheap shots no athlete would be proud to score. But I’m no athlete, people. I’ll take my cheap shots when I get ’em if I get ’em. And, you know, maybe these little flukes are just the result of intense wanting and willing for success and therefore not flukes at all. No, maybe they’re deliberate interventions on the part of the Sports Gods in order to motivate us to keep on pushing.
AWESOME!
Tuning the radio station perfectly so there’s absolutely no static
I’m a terrible tuner.
Yeah, I’m the guy twiddling clock radio dials before bed every night with scrunched-up eyebrows. When I do end up on a crystal-clear station it usually isn’t the one I was aiming for or I end up accidentally using my body as an antenna so the sound gets fuzzy the second I move my hand away.
For a second it’s clear and then it’s schzzzteeeeeeeeyiiiiiiiio-OoOoOssZZZZT.
You’d definitely find these moments over in The Book of Annoying, that nonexistent netherlist that also features: Someone shaking your hand with freshly wet hands from the bathroom, Bendy straws that crack at the bendy part, and Getting the wobbly table at a restaurant.
Brother, that’s why nothing’s as nice as landing perfectly on your radio station of choice after twiddling that little dial for a few quick moments. When you nail it just right, slowly move your hand away, pause for station identification, and quickly click the switch over to Alarm, you’re loving it lots.
See, radio waves float and fly through our lives sending highway traffic reports, wacky morning DJs, and bumping bass beats bouncing around the air like magic. It’s up to us to catch them like butterflies with our thin antennas, dusty clock radios, and determined little fingers driven to get the job done.
AWESOME!
Waking up really thirsty in the morning and finding a glass of water within reach
Maybe you scarfed a salty bag of chips before bed, drank a bit too much at the bars, or woke up on a friend’s old pull-out couch with a mouthful of dust and cat hair.
Either way, when you blink your crusty eyes open and feel your mouth scratching like sandpaper, there’s nothing finer than spotting a calmly waiting glass of water sitting just in front of your face.
After silently congratulating the You of Last Night for good planning, you smile sl
owly, chug it fast, and snuggle back into your dreamy slumbers.
AWESOME!
The sound of steaks hitting a hot grill
Tssssssssssssssssss.
AWESOME!
Eating the crusts of the sandwich first to save the middle part for last
Nobody wants to finish on a downer.
If you aren’t careful, the last bite of your lunch will be a big chomp of dry crusts and lettuce scraps. Your mouth will finish on a lame and boring note with the delicious middle bites from minutes ago lost in a dry, crusty daze.
Don’t let it happen to you!
Put your time in at the beginning, sacrifice early nibbles and take care of the corners, and set yourself up for a deliciously fresh and soft ham-and-cheesy finale to finish off your lunch.
AWESOME!
Sneezing three or more times in a row
Sometimes sneezes hit you and hit you hard.
Unless you’re rolling around in a pile of ragweed or sleeping on a pillow filled with pepper and cat hair, it usually starts completely out of nowhere. You feel that tickle deep in your nose. Just a tiny little quiver way, way up there, near where your eyeball connects to your brain. You squint a bit, pull your hand to your mouth, and then BOOOOM! Your eyes squeeze tightly, your face crunches together, and it screams down your face at the speed of sneeze, exploding out of your mouth in an ugly climax of wetness in all directions.
Despite the look of it, sneezing can feel pretty great. Not only does repeated sneezing give you a weird, spacey head rush, but it can also be quite refreshing. Sinuses get cleaned out, nose hairs get a windy blowdown, and you end up firing whatever was irritating you out of your nasal cavity like a cannon, sending it flying across the room in a spastic I Must Get This Out Of Me overreaction.