Same thing with Bathing Suit. Sure, his zip-string is loose and dangly, he’s covered in lint balls, and his bright red logo has faded to a dull pink, but when you first notice that tiny mesh pocket for holding keys hanging inside his elastic waistband, your brain blasts to outer space. He’s like a hunched-over old man suddenly tossing away his cane and tap-dancing across the sidewalk.
So today let’s give thanks and give cheers to the surprise sunglasses holder in the roof of your car, that second pocket in your navy blue blazer, and the hidden change holder riding like a treasure chest deep down in your car’s armrest.
AWESOME!
Getting your guests to help you move something really heavy
Hey, thanks for coming over. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, uh, don’t take off your shoes for a second. Listen, I’ve got this desk, and I sorta really need to get it out to the garage. Could you, I mean, it’ll only take a second.
(Bambi eyes)
AWESOME!
When the plane suddenly speeds up on the runway
Because here we go ...
AWESOME!
The sound of barely frozen puddles cracking when you step on them
Crisp breezes chip at your cheeks as you shiver and slide to school. Blades of grass are stiff with frosted dew on their tips, your breath puffs in cold clouds in front of you, and little puddles on the sidewalk get that thin film of ice across the tops, just waiting for you to do what you gotta do.
When you’re slip-shuffling half asleep, buried under your backpack, there’s just something sweet about stomping those frozen puddles and filling the still and silent walk with a nice crisp CRACK.
After you do the deed, you trudge on against the biting wind with an extra spring in your step and twinkle in your eye, because you came across the frozen puddle first and you busted it good.
Let’s face it: That crack is so permanent, so satisfying, and so completely
AWESOME!
When someone compliments your new haircut
Haircuts are stressful.
Come on, there are at least Three Major Worries when you get your lid trimmed:1. Disappearing Choppers. Have you ever gone to your regular place and found your go-to guy suddenly missing? Talk about a bombshell. On top of the loss, the gang left over is usually tight-lipped on details too. No forwarding address, no new business cards, nothing. They just vanished and left only a few combs floating in the Barbicide for clues. Now it’s time to step into the chair with The New Guy and grit your teeth, grab the handlebars, and brace yourself for a rickety journey down a dark mine shaft tunnel of horror. As the lights dim and you close your eyes, you can hear the electric razor firing up in the distance ...
2. Doing a New Do. Asking the stylist to try something new is pretty high up there on the Greatest Fears of All Time List. It’s jussssst above three-hour root canal and jussssst below getting a snake thrown on you when you’re sleeping.
3. Getting One-Upped. This is where you’re getting your haircut and one of your stylist’s more loyal customers walks in the door. You can tell they’re a somebody because they start dominating conversation while you become a third wheel and your stylist goes superspeed and starts cutting corners. Sure, this doesn’t happen too often, but if you’ve ever been one-upped you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Folks, if you’re nodding, you know the stress of getting a haircut. As the stylist peels the nylon apron off your neck and brushes hair shards off your back you cautiously check the mirror and scope the new you. Sometimes you strut confidently out of the salon like you’re in a shampoo commercial and other times you squint at yourself and frown slightly while cartoony question marks pop above your head like bubbles.
On days when you have doubts, that little “Hey, nice haircut” compliment can do wonders for your self-esteem. Because, come on, we’re all self-conscious about those little patches of scraggly knots up there.
Thanks for saying something.
AWESOME!
Using any item within reach to help grab the remote control so you don’t have to move
Dusty sunbeams streak through the window while you lie on the couch in a blissful half-asleep cocoon. Sometimes during this hazy daze a little voice in your brain politely asks that the TV be turned down or shut right off.
In moments like this there’s something satisfying about keeping as much of your body completely relaxed and perfectly still as possible while awkwardly grabbing the remote with a rolled-up newspaper, cardboard paper towel tube, or another remote that happens to be closer.
After you stab at it and coax it across the carpet, you do the deed and let a little smile curl on your face as you fade deeper and deeper into your comfy afternoon nap.
AWESOME!
The first couple hours of the road trip
Full boxes of granola bars, fresh mix tapes, and the heady thrill of anticipation get your body ready for a nice long ride. Gas tank’s full, washer fluid’s topped up, and your tiny thimble bladder doesn’t have a drop in it.
We’re flying now.
AWESOME!
When the phone rings and it’s somebody you were just thinking about
Faces float and fly through our brains.
Kicking pebbles, wearing backpacks, laughing about the school day, your friends flicker past you with red cheeks and windswept hair on cool and crisp walks home.
Silverware clinking, gravy boats dripping, your family sits in thick holiday sweaters under a sparkly chandelier amongst half-filled wineglasses and steaming bowls of broccoli.
Furnace quietly clicking, clock slowly ticking, your boyfriend lies beside you on the patchy corduroy couch in the dark unfinished basement, smiling between kisses and laughs, sharing a moment in a memory.
Somebody’s thinking about you right now too.
Give them a call.
AWESOME!
Moving indoor furniture outdoors
Forget picnic tables, plastic chairs, and patio sets.
No, we’re talking about the real deal. We’re talking about moving furniture from inside your pad to outside it, and busting the shackles of climate control in favor of fresh air and good times.
Feel these beats:1. Porch Couch. Sure, your worn-out duct-tape-andcorduroy sofa is out in the elements, but now you get a comfy chill-out spot to watch the world go by. Porch couches are perfect for chilling after class at college, handing out Halloween candy, or taking your late night neighborhood watch shift.
2. Tailgate Party. Man, have you seen some of these setups? I’m just an amateur, but sometimes we’re talking about the entire living room transplanted onto the gravel parking lot outside the stadium. Pops balances the big screen in the pickup truck while Junior lays a rug down by the barbecue. It’s time for grilling.
3. Backyard Birthday. Wobbly folding chair legs sink into the grass while basement card tables are wiped off and covered in plastic tablecloths for their annual cameo as Punch Bowl Station or Place We’re Cutting The Cake Later.
When you move indoor furniture outdoors you’re spreading the party all over the place. Chill out, relax, and put your feet up on the cooler, because it’s sunny out and it’s time to enjoy the moment.
AWESOME!
When your fries order has a few onion rings stashed in the mix
Dive in.
Scoring some sweet and salty rings hidden in your fries is the fast-food equivalent of finding a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea. Suddenly you’re an explorer stumbling upon a lost shipwreck way, way down in the darkness. While your friends linger above, you plunge deeper and deeper . . . eventually spotting a coral-covered chest wedged between some slippery rocks.
As your heart thump-thumps you kick the rusty lock and peel open the lid to behold a glittery sight. Your face turns on like a flashlight and your eyes pop open behind the scuba mask as you realize you’ve uncovered a hidden stash of crunchy, oily gold.
There be treasure in these fries.
AWESOME!
The Big Nig
ht Nap
The Big Night Nap or Disco Nap is any nap you take before going out for a big night.
When you nail this warm-up nap perfectly, you end up with a long memorable evening without dog yawns, wristwatch glances, and early cave-ins.
Now, that doesn’t mean Big Night Naps are easy to pull off. No, no, the truth is you gotta be careful in that lateafternoon Napping Danger Zone:1. The Power Nap. Top of the charts. This is the perfectly executed twenty-minute power up that fills your energy bar and gets you ready to take on the world.
2. The Call-Waiting Nap. Your plans aren’t firmed up so you leave your cell phone beside you. This forces you to pop up to answer text messages and take groggy phone calls.
3. The Choreographed Nap. This is where you convince all your friends to take a Big Night Nap too. You know them well and realize they’ll zonk out early if they’re not in the game. Do like Parker Lewis and synchronize watches.
4. The Neverending Nap. Whoops! You were gonna do a quick snooze but your body had other plans. You groggily kick off your socks as your phone buzzes on your dresser. You’re going straight to morning now. Expect a 4 a.m. wake-up call.
5. The Extend-O-Night Nap. You head out to someone’s house without napping but start losing steam as everyone else is revving up. So you head upstairs and take a quick power snooze on the bed full of jackets. You don’t have to be eight years old to pull this move off. You’ll be back in the game in no time.
So ... save ’em for New Year’s, save ’em for slumber parties, save ’em for nights you need extra juice. Yes, when you go down early to get down late it’s a beautiful moment of party planning that we like to call
AWESOME!
Hilarious last-minute Halloween costumes
Back at college, I remember walking up to my friend Mike’s house on Halloween and seeing him frantically painting bright red briefs onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, too—slapping the wet brush all over the crotch and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog on the front lawn.
Of course, an hour later he showed up to the party as Superman. And though he didn’t leap any tall buildings in a single bound, he did manage to drink most of the punch bowl faster than a speeding bullet.
More important, his last-minute Halloween costume got us all laughing. The best ones do that:• Professional Baseball Player. This is where you dig through your closet and peel out that old sweatsmelling jersey and orange foam hat from Little League. Throw on your baseball glove and paint some thick black lines under your eyes and you’re good to go.
• Sandwich. My friend Brian once slapped a piece of bread on his chest and another on his back and went as a sandwich. You’ve heard of a Quarter Pounder, right? Well this was a two-hundredpounder.
• Vending Machine. Here’s where you duct-tape little bags of chips and chocolate bars all over your body. If your party’s working properly, they’ll be ripped off you within ten minutes of getting there.
• The Random Closet Mishmash with a Funny Name. You’ve got a purple tie, dark shades, and leather pants so you go as a Club-Going Comedian With A Black Eye. You’ve got a bridesmaid dress, oven mitts, and a tiara, so you go as Lounge Singer Baking Cookies For A Bachelorette Party. You get the idea.
• Jabba the Hutt. Time to laze around on the couch in a green sleeping bag.
• The Walk of Shame. Simply wear a man’s shirt over your dress clothes, mess up your hair, and carry a pair of high heels in your hand. For guys, try a backwards, inside-out shirt, sideways bedhead, and your shoes on the wrong feet.
• A Terrible Record Collection. My friend Alec once bought a milk crate of old records for a quarter from a garage sale. They were in horrible condition, but the price was right so he took them home. For Halloween he safety-pinned most of them on himself and went as A Terrible Record Collection. It was a good laugh, but since he couldn’t really move, he ending up spending most of the party whisper-singing “Monster Mash” to himself on a futon.
• Grapes. Boy, if you’ve got some purple or green balloons lying around, have we got a costume for you.
• Yourself. This is where you arrive at the party completely unprepared, but rather than fess up you just tell people you’re going as yourself this year. Then whenever someone says, “But that’s not a costume,” you say, “Maybe it is, my friend ... maybe it is,” and then give a really exaggerated wink.
Okay listen, when somebody puts an amazing amount of time and effort into a kick-ass costume, that’s worth celebrating. Nobody here denies that. All we’re saying is if you manage to scramble around your house at the last minute and get us all laughing with your hilariously creative costume, then that’s complete admirable.
It’s simply commendable.
It’s downright respectable.
And we all know it’s just totally
AWESOME!
When company events are scheduled on company time
Thanks, boss.
When you observe the safe haven of our evenings and weekends by scheduling company events during company hours, we’re loving you lots. Because come on, we all have lots going on after work—clothes need washing, family needs visiting, and the kids have a sports tournament out of town.
So throw that company picnic on a sunny Friday afternoon. We’ll get the Frisbee going with the assistant manager and gather around the wobbly buffet table to try the secretary’s homemade potato-and-egg salad or the vice president’s expensive store-bought brownies. Get those team-building exercises motoring on Monday morning, when we all need coffee jolts and trust falls to perk us up for the week. And toss your recognition lunches in the middle of the week, when a chilled-out Wednesday barbecue helps get us through to the other side.
When company events are scheduled on company time, we get a magical little moment where the photocopier stops, lines slow down, and we all relax for a couple chilled-out hours of
AWESOME!
Good escalator etiquette
You stand on that side. We’ll walk on this side.
AWESOME!
Kicking those clumps of frozen slush off the back of your car’s mud flaps
Hands up if you drive on the snowy side of the planet.
If so then you know how your icebox on wheels gets sick when the weather dips. Washer fluid smears and freezes on your windshield, windows jam shut, and those nasty rock-hard clumps of dirty frozen slush start bumper-surfing on the back of your ride.
Sure, sure, your tires spin in the snowbanks and sand those car boogers into dirty brown icicles. But then they just hang there proudly—slushy arms crossed, salty eyebrows raised, and fat icy grins on their faces like they own the place.
Yes, they ride along when the family picks up a Christmas tree, sit caboose on the trip to the mall, and hang silently in the shadows of the driveway all night, perfectly still, perfectly quiet ... and waiting.
That’s why it’s so satisfying when you put the boot to those slushy chunks and show them who’s boss. When you drop them to the mat, it feels like yanking a swollen appendix out of an eight-year-old in the operating room, tossing garbage bags of old junk out of the basement, or barfing your churning sea of stomach sickness into the toilet.
Kicking those clumps of frozen slush off the back of your car gives us all a big aw.w.w.w yeah moment of
AWESOME!
Your Almost Name
It’s what your parents were going to call you but didn’t.
Flipping through baby books, chatting at bedtime, you better believe your folks had alternate identities in mind before you borned out. They thought about nicknames, short forms, and tributes. They thought about spelling, rhyming, and meanings. Basically, they thought and hoped and wished all kinds of things for you even before you made it here.
Sometimes when you find out your Almost Name it feels odd and uncomfortable—like putting on an itchy shirt, clenching your fist after waking up, or walking out of a movie and realizing your foot’s asleep. Maybe you let your mind
wander and daydream about a new life where your Almost Name takes top billing and your nicknames, identity, and major life choices are all dramatically affected. You wonder how your life could be different—would you be more confident? Less passionate? More artsy? Less annoying?
Nothing’s the same when you’re Nancy.
Everything changes when you’re Chuck.
Now, my Almost Name is Paul. Yes, it was a close call and my parents switched over to Neil at the last minute. I’m pretty sure Neil Diamond or Neil Armstrong got the name bouncing around their brains like a ping-pong ball. But somehow Paul got tossed in the can before I showed up and my entire Paul Life got tossed with it.
And maybe that’s one reason Almost Names are so great: They remind us how lucky we are we didn’t get them. I mean, it’s just fun letting Almost Names add frames and borders to our lives ... because it helps us feel a little more sure of ourselves and a lot more
AWESOME!
Getting the keys to your first apartment
Welcome to the throne.
For years you toiled as a lowly pauper under the rule of another castle. Sure, maybe the leaders of your old kingdom ruled with a fair hand but there were times your ideas and their ideas clashed. They wanted quiet, you wanted a pet jester, they wanted curfews, you wanted courtyard parties, they wanted bunk beds in the barracks, you wanted your own tower.
Now you’ve moved out and got yourself your own place. Sure, the moat’s in rough shape and the stables are a write-off, but at least it reflects your personality and your taste. You’ve got a new responsibility and can do anything you want: put purple tapestries on the stone walls, hold court with new boyfriends, or skip the castle kitchen to go out for turkey drumsticks and a few glasses of mead.