Chapter Forty-Four
Distant laughter filtered through the thin walls of the poolroom into the restaurant.
The bass beat of the jukebox thumped loudly, disturbing the calming musical stylings of Enya that played from the speakers where we sat in the dining room.
Adam quirked a brow over his menu. "Enya? Seriously? Oh, Uncle Eric, I'm appalled."
I shrugged. "Blame your Aunty Claire."
Adam raised a sceptical brow. "Aunty Claire is never here."
All our gazes turned from our menus towards the bar where Uncle Eric stood whistling animatedly while he brewed a coffee. Adam shook his head. "And here I thought Uncle Eric was more of an AC/DC fan, but Enya?"
We cast knowing smiles at one another as our eyes flicked back to our menus. An old familiarity settled over us. The same effortless, friendly banter flowed like it did before the summer had begun, before Adam was sent away, before everything turned to shit. Well, mostly everything.
"So are you going to see Stan tonight?" I asked Ellie as I poured a glass of water from the carafe.
The simple enough question seemed to unease Ellie. "Ah, no, not tonight. Tonight is our night."
It was meant to be a touching sentiment, but I could tell there was no conviction behind the statement. Though she tried to disguise it, she was disappointed she wouldn't be seeing Stan, which was stupid because he was only a room away in the poolroom. All through dinner, I tried not to think about the fact that Toby was in there, so agonisingly close. When we'd walked through the front door, none of us glanced over there. I didn't even know if Toby knew I was in the building. We had simply veered sharply right and headed for the restaurant.
I looked at my two best friends: Ellie desperate to see Stan and Adam pining every time he heard the crack of the cue against the billiard balls. Instead of me faking it tonight, they were faking it, as well. They were putting on brave faces to cheer me up, to make it all about me, courtesy of my Toby-fuelled mini breakdown. They were such good friends. The best.
Enough was enough. I was a good friend, too. If I couldn't suck it up for one night, perhaps the last night I would ever be in the same room with Toby again, then I was just a coward and a shitty friend, too.
I pushed my chair back and stood up. "Let's go."
Adam frowned. "Where to?"
"I'm going to kick your arse on the pool table."
A wicked grin formed across Adam's face as he turned to eye Ellie. She straightened in her seat.
Adam nodded his approval. "That a girl."
We left our table and rounded the corner to the poolroom. Okay, no biggie, I could do this. They didn't own the place and besides, they were probably gone, on their way to the party at Stan's by now and the poolroom would be ours for the taking.
Oh fuck.
The Onslow Boys were very much in the poolroom, ever present. Sean, Stan and Ringer stood around the pool table, cues in their hands. Toby stood alone, flipping through the song selections at the jukebox.
He looked good.
It had been two whole weeks, yet my traitorous heart still skipped a beat. The very sight of him turned my thoughts into mush, and my body into a heightened state of long-suffering desire. I tried to remind myself that what I now suffered was what I had always known - unrequited love from afar. But it was just that much harder, having had it and lost.
When Toby saw me, there was no surprise, no emotion at all. It was as if he saw straight through me.
This was a bad idea.
The other Onslow Boys were their usual jovial, easygoing selves. Stan's eyes lit up as soon as he spotted Ellie; ditching his pool cue, he made his way over, pulling her into a big bear hug. Ringer shook Adam's hand, and they started up their own conversation. But I was distracted as one song ended and a new one began: Marvin Gaye's, 'Heard it Through the Grapevine'.
Smart arse.
I watched as Toby turned back around to the jukebox and flicked through to select another song.
The atmosphere in the room was tense. Usually Sean would make fun of someone, we'd all have a laugh and it would be over. But not tonight. Sean raised his eyebrows in my direction when the song started up, but aside from that tiny gesture, he focused on his conversation with Ringer and Adam on pool tactics. Sean restricted himself to banter with his mates rather than be too openly friendly to me like he would have in the past. Much like the summer holidays, everything I had known with the Onslow Boys was drawing to an end; in a few weeks, I would be back at school and my part-time work at the Onslow would be over.
The sudden realisation hit me; this was it. This would be the last time I saw Toby, this would be the last time we'd all be together like this at the Onslow.
And we were going to let it end like this?
The tension between Sean and Toby, too, was obvious as they cast each other wary glances. I wanted more than anything for things to be the way they were again. I was just a girl. I seriously wasn't worth ending their friendship; they had to know that, right?
All I knew was I had nothing to lose, because I had already lost him.
I strode across the poolroom, past the boys, straight to Toby. Beyond my better judgment and all the courage I had mustered up, I stood before him and stared him straight in the eye. There was a flicker of surprise and a new tension swept over us.
"So this is how it's going to be?" he asked. "A showdown, here in front of everyone?"
My shoulders involuntarily slumped at his question. "Is that what you think I'd do? Humiliate you, like some screaming banshee?"
He looked at me pointedly, and then I remembered Angela Vickers, the worst screaming banshee of them all.
To be honest, that kind of pissed me off. Not the screaming banshee type of pissed, but to lump me in with Angela? I was the pretty fucking insulted type of pissed.
I sighed heavily. "I just wanted to say goodbye, that's all.
And ?" oh God, this was so hard, "and good luck!"
The tension in Toby's shoulders melted, his eyes darting across my face suspiciously, warily, like he was waiting for the vindictive punchline. I met his gaze full on, and a familiar song filled the speakers. Live's 'Lightning Crashes'. It was the very same song that played the night of the first disco behind the velvet curtain. What was he playing at?
I swallowed hard. "I haven't had the chance to talk to you ?"
Okay, Tess, keep it together.
"? And I just wanted to say thank you."
His frown deepened. "Thank you?"
Oh God, I was lame ?
I glanced around, embarrassed, I edged to the corner of the room for some semblance of privacy; Toby moved with me.
It took all my strength to meet his eyes. "For a brief moment, you made me believe that I was a somebody, that, above all, I wasn't like the other girls. And I'm not." I stepped forward, so he could hear me over the music. "I know it really doesn't seem that way. And it kills me that I let you down, that I did something so stupid because I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I don't want you thinking I am anything other than who I am, who you got to know this summer."
Toby was so still, so unmoving, if it wasn't for the flex of his jaw muscles I would swear he had turned to stone.
"But you have to know, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Sean, but there would be days of not even seeing you, of not knowing if what was happening with us was serious. I had no idea of knowing. When I saw her car in your driveway, I thought that you and her ?" I bit my lip, the memory of that horrible, regret-filled night flooded back to me. "If you don't understand how sorry I am that I hurt you, that I never would have done it intentionally, if you don't get that, then you don't get me."
I couldn't look at him anymore; I knew my eyes were a window straight into my heartbroken soul. But he was so silent, I thought maybe he hadn't heard what I'd said at all. I couldn't say it again. I couldn't ?
And then he spoke. His voice was low and raspy. "I get you."
I looked up at him in surprise.
"The thing is, Tess, if you think I would be with you one night, and then go back to Angela ?" He shook his head. "Then you don't get me."
We stared at one another for the longest time. I guess we didn't really know each other. I finally broke away, knowing it would be the last time I would see Toby. My heart threatened to break at the thought.
"Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?"
"I guess not." Toby said coldly. It was as if a knife was twisting in the pit of my stomach.
"Bye, Toby." Before I realised it, I'd held out my hand. I cursed myself as it hung between us. I had never felt like such a loser than in that moment.
A handshake, Tess? Seriously? Just walk away, you idiot! Walk away!
Before I could inwardly scream at myself any more, Toby took my hand, squeezing it in a firm but gentle shake. His eyes rested on my hand. It was reminiscent of the first time we shook hands in this very room; aside from the party, it was our first real interaction, our first real hello, and now it was our very real end.
"Bye, Tess."
I slid my hand from his lingering clasp and, without meeting his gaze, walked through the crowd to Ellie.
I swallowed down the tears enough to hold it together. "Can we go now?" I said in a quiet, trembling voice.
"Of course, let's go."