You know every tune in the world I says. I’ll bet you know every one.
Not them all he says with a smile but a fair few, I’d say I know a fair few. I walked around. Gramophones, how many, twenty maybe. All kinds. Big trumpets, little trumpets. Any kind you want. Then what did I hear only this gurgling and when I look over what’s that old music man doing only pouring himself tea. Want some? he says. A spot of tea, he says. He had some good sayings that music man. His sayings made me so happy I wanted to cry. But then what! Out of nowhere comes these cakes, would you believe it butterfly buns! Fuck me, I says, how did you know? He just smiled and said there you are and the tea looping and gurgling into the cups say when he says. I still don’t know how he knew but it didn’t matter I was away off filling him in on ma and da and the potatoes and salt and the song and saying the rosary on the rocks and everything. So he played the trumpet he says, your father. Yes I says and I told him some of the tunes. Well if he could handle that solo he says about one of the songs he certainly knew how to play a trumpet! He sure did I says licking the cream off my fingers. Outside the town had turned into glass the colour of dawnlight. There were tinkling mobiles in the shape of music notes hanging from the ceiling tinkle tinkle pling was all you could hear. Stacks of records, one by one I went through them but you had to be careful they could fall to pieces in your hands. Watch it Francie! I said and laughed: Don’t worry, I will!
John McCormack I knew him. Da conducted in the air when he came on, cut big swathes of air with his index fingers. I laughed again. Then I saw it and when I did I nearly fainted, I don’t know why I’d seen it plenty of times before. My legs went into legs of sawdust. Trot trot goes the sadeyed ass pulling the cart and away off into the misty green mountains and the blue clouds of far away. And right over the picture there in big black letters EMERALD GEMS OF IRELAND. I flicked through the pages over and over reading all the names and when I went to pay the music man I dropped the coins all over the place then I went into the whole story about Philip and Joe and everything it was like a cavalry charge of words coming out of my mouth I didn’t know where they were all coming from. You’d think you were finished then over the hill would come a whole pile more yee haa wait till you hear this bit too. And all the way through he listened to everything I was saying and you could tell by his eyes that he wasn’t really thinking I wish this Francie Brady would shut up about Joe Purcell or anything like that I knew he really wanted to hear it. For then he says the best thing of all. But of course there’s a far better book than that available now. There it is behind you. A much better book. It was called A T[sc]REASURY OF[sc/] I[sc]RISH[sc/] M[sc]ELODIES[sc/]. There was no ass and cart on the front of it just an old woman in a shawl standing at a half-door staring at the sun going down behind the mountains. So this is better than the other book, I says. Oh yes says the music man, much better. I want to buy it! I says, all excited and what did I do only drop more coins all over the floor. The music man thought that was a good laugh. He had no intention of selling it to me. He was giving it to me. Its not every day I meet someone whose father could play the trumpet like yours, he says. Isn’t it enough that you like the songs? Then he went away off humming a new tune to himself and parcelled it up for me. I just stared at the music man when he was handing it to me. Just wait till Joe sees this! I said. But he didn’t get excited. If they started hammering on the window shouting the aliens are eating all the children in the town what would he do? He’d say: Right so. I’ll be with you in a minute. I’ll just lock up the shop first. He was the best man I ever met that old music man I kept looking at the book over and over and trying to see Joe’s face as I handed it to him I wasn’t sure which road to take for the school I went the wrong way a few times what do you think of this book I said to them its good they said yes I said, its for Joe Purcell, Emerald Gems is nothing compared to this one.
The black road twisted in and out of the curly countryside like a ribbon at the end of it was Joe’s school and what was he going to say then: For fuck’s sake Francie, you’ve done it again! Hey Joe! I’d shout. Saddle up! We’re riding out! Yee – haa!
I was getting as bad as ma. Whiz this way then whiz the other way. I’ll do this no I’ll do that. The whiz again. I know – I’ll think some more about Joe and the old days. But then, more laughing. Big whorly clouds made of ink powder riding the sky and the music book stuck in my back pocket. Then the school rising up out of the fields with all its yellow windows gleaming – another house of a hundred windows. But this time it was different, behind one of them windows was Joe and when I thought that I leaped so high I could have headed the moon like a football. Francie Brady plays for the town he’s forty yards out he’s thirty yards out twenty ten yards out its a long ball and the goalie’s missed it and yes Francie Brady has scored a goal for the town Francie has scored a goal the moon is at the back of the net!
I had been tramping for over an hour before I seen it and then soon as I turn the corner what happens. Out go the lights. Phut!, every last one. Hey – what the hell do you think you’re at up there, turning off them lights? Leave them on! How am I supposed to find Joe Purcell! Hey! Did you not hear me!
Then all of a sudden I thought: This is something to do with Mrs Nugent. She’s heard about me going to see Joe and she has some plan up her sleeve. She’s told the priests to switch off all the lights so they can lie in wait for me and when I’m finished running round the place like an eejit looking for him, she’ll appear out of the shadows standing there with them, smiling: So you couldn’t find him could you not? That’s a pity Francis isn’t it and then I knew that would be the end I’d never find him then. But then I started breaking my arse laughing it was such a stupid idea. Oh no, I said, this is one thing that Mrs Nugent isn’t going to spoil!
I’d thought some things but that was the daftest yet.
I went round the back and nearly walked into a big bin full of brock you’d think with me being King of The Brock I’d have been able to see that! I was in behind the kitchens. Grr says a dog.
Fuck up I said but I managed to get past him all right. I could hear the toilets hissing. Hiss hiss, we can see you Francie. I kept checking the book to see that I still had it in my back pocket. Where did I end up only in a room full of football boots and the smell of sweaty oxters. Curse of fuck on this and I had to start again. Dant-a-dan! Along the wall. Don’t move! Six soldiers out of nowhere cocking rifles, up against the wall so we have you at last Mr Brady! No, none of that, only snoring priests and bogmen but where were they? Not in here nothing only an empty bed and a cupboard full of medicine bottles. I think I’ll have a look at these I said and shovelled a few coloured pills into my hand out of a little brown bottle. Gulp down the hatch they went. I wonder what they were. I don’t know. Whee, I thought I heard someone shouting from the other end of the corridor you take a left then the next right Francie and you’ll find him no problem. I turned round to thank him whoever it was but there was no one there. Then the pill said: Oh that was just me Francie. Pill, I said, you bastard! Now now Francie said the pill for that I’ll just have to turn your feet to sponge. Squish squeesh along the tiles. What’s this the biggest bell in the world sitting under the stairs. I said: Mrs Nugent if you’re in behind that bell you had better come out. I know you’re in there Mrs Nugent you can’t fool me.
Then I started laughing I couldn’t stop myself. It wasn’t an ordinary laugh either it was a bogman laugh the way they laugh at nothing with snots coming out of their noses still laughing long after the joke is over. I says I know what I’ll do I’ll give this bell a whack and see what happens. I’d say it’d make enough noise to waken every boarding school bogman in the world even the ones who are completely deaf. Ready steady – fuck off! If I did that they’d be down on me like a ton of bricks and maybe give Joe the boot into the bargain. Oh no you don’t pill you’ll not make a cod of old Francie that easy. Pill, I said – have manners!
I
was in a right state now with all this laughing I couldn’t stop. Hmm I says I wonder what tricks Joe gets up to in this place. Sliding down the knotted sheets out of the dormitory and away off to midnight feasts in the boatshed I’ll be bound! I say Purcell you bounder! You are a perfect cad! For fuck’s sake! I wonder is there any secret passageways I said. Fall against the knob of a banister next thing aaaaaaaaaaah! and away off down a black corridor full of cobwebs and the skeletons of dead bogmen boys.
Up the stairs I went what’s this, a wooden door creak creak Our Lord Jesus appearing out of nowhere in the dark, hanging on the cross – hello yes what can I do for you? I’m looking for Joe Purcell Jesus. Straight on up to the top of the stairs. Right so Jesus thank you.
What’s all this I said, a hundred sleeping bogmen! But not for long. Wait till they seen me and Joe in action!
Da-dan!
Flick – on goes the light blazes away and them all gone chinky-eyed and pulling the clothes round them: What’s goin’ on who’s puttin’ on the lights? I nearly said: why its me – Algernon Carruthers of course!
When I thought that I doubled up again and all I could see was them staring at me. They were all saying to the prefect who is he you do something about it its your job and all this but he wasn’t going to do anything he had the blankets pulled up the same as the rest of them.
I thumped my thigh with the rolled up music book: Joe! Where are you Joe Boy? I’m here! saddle up! We’re ridin’ out!
I shouted it for all I was worth and then I shouted it again in case he didn’t hear me. As soon as I said that all the things I had ever worried about floated away like silk scarves in the breeze and I knew all I had to do now was wait for Joe and we were off and this time we’d be gone for good. It made me feel so good I shouted again: Joe. Yamma yamma yamma! Yamma yamma yamma!
Then I said: Yee haa! Take ’em to Missouri men!
We’ll ride out to the mountains Joe and there we can track for days. We can listen to the coyotes in the night. The coyotes baying at the moon because it makes them feel good they howl out anything they ever worried about. Then I did it. A-woo! A-woo! I closed my eyes and cried out across the prairie.
Then I looked up and who’s coming the priest. It was Father Fox not because his real name was Fox but because he had a long snout and a hmm I wonder how could I trick this fellow face? Hello Father Fox I said, I’m looking for Joe Purcell. You’re what! he says and I could see that Father Fox he wasn’t such a nice old fox at all his face went all dark and his eyes didn’t say I wonder how could I trick this fellow any more they said one more word out of you my friend and I’ll take this collar off and I’ll floor you by Christ I will and don’t think for one second that I wouldn’t. Father Fox I’m surprised at you! Don’t say such things!
That’s what Algernon Carruthers would have said. But I didn’t say it.
I just said I’m looking for Joe can you help me please?
What did Fox say half to himself and half to the bogmen I can not believe it I just can not believe it! He shook his head and when the bogmen seen him doing that they did it too. I could hear doors banging and all this commotion and running on the stairs. Then two more priests came in and who had they with them only Joe Purcell.
Joe! I shouted. Fuck!
I knew I shouldn’t have shouted that, but I did. Fox made a wind at me but I ducked. He tried again but that was no use either I sidestepped it he was only making a cod of himself. All I had to do now was walk right over to Joe and that’s what I would have done only for what happened then who was standing right behind him only Philip Nugent. He was taller now a bit tougher looking but it was him all right with the hair hanging down in his eyes. He was staring at me in a way he never did before straight at me. As soon as I seen him everything started to go wrong because he wasn’t supposed to be there. All the things I was going to say I couldn’t remember what they were now then the priest brought Joe over and the way he looked at me my stomach turned over it wasn’t Joe. Philip was still standing over by the door with his arms folded. I knew when it was all over what he would be telling them. That I had wanted to be one of them and had turned my back on my own mother. He’d laugh then and say: Imagine him thinking he could be one of us!
Joe said to me: What do you want?
No he didn’t. He said: What do you want?
It was no use me trying to say I wanted us to ride out Joe I wanted us to talk about the old days and what we’d do if we won a hundred million trillion dollars maybe go tracking in the mountains I don’t know Joe, it was no use me saying that for I knew it wouldn’t come out right so I said nothing I just stood there looking at him.
He asked me again: What do you want me for? Are you deaf or something?
Then he said: Do you hear me. What do you want me for?
I never thought Joe would ask that I never thought he would have to ask that but he did didn’t he and when I heard him say it that was when I started to feel myself draining away and I couldn’t stop it the more I tried the worse it got I could have floated to the ceiling like a fag paper please Joe come with me that was all I wanted to say dumb people have holes in the pit of their stomachs and that’s the way I was now the dumbest person in the whole world who had no words left for anything at all. All I had now was one thing and that was the music book. It had got all twisted up with sweat marks all over it I says don’t worry Francie its going to be all right I smoothed it out a bit and handed it to him some way or other I dropped it and the next thing the priest came in between us and says: Look this has gone far enough! Is this fellow a friend of yours or is he not Purcell?
I looked at Joe please Joe I was saying but he wasn’t looking at me he was just saying I’m tired I want to get back to my bed its three in the morning.
Then Joe just shook his head and said: No.
Then he left he said something to Philip on the way out and Philip smiled. I stayed there for a minute I was still twisting the book then the priest said I think its time you were leaving Mr Brady. I said yes, yes Father and they brought me to the gate they said I was lucky they didn’t call the police I said yes it was then I went off into the dark I had left the bike somewhere but I didn’t know where. It didn’t matter anyway I just walked I felt like walking that wasn’t Joe I said I don’t know who that was but it wasn’t Joe, Joe is gone they took him away from me and all I could see was a pair of thin lips saying that’s right we did and there’s nothing you can do that will ever bring him back again isn’t that true Francis Pig you little piggy baby pig and I says yes Mrs Nugent it is.
When I got to the town they were all running round saying the world is going to end. The first thing I seen was Mickey Traynor wheeling a statue of Our Lady up the street in a barrow did you not hear he says the world is going to end it was on the news last night its all over he says oh I know says I I know that all right you don’t have to tell me that!
What do we care he says let them do their worst we have the Blessed Virgin Mary to protect us she spoke to my daughter she says she’s going to come with a sign. For the love of God go along and listen to her young Brady in these times every man must look after his immortal soul!
He got a grip of me by the shoulder and says: Will you do that for me Francie I knew your father.
I know you did I says he was supposed to go up to you about the television but he didn’t that’s why I had to go and watch the octopus in Nugents. Right says Mickey I’d better be making tracks good luck now and off he went with the barrow.
I shouted after him: I don’t suppose you’d be able to fix it now Mickey would you?
He didn’t look round I knew he wouldn’t be able to anyway it was too far gone after the kick da gave it. It was finished, that television. I should have thrown it on the dump by right for what was it doing in the coalhouse only taking up space. I went on up the street and who did I meet only the drunk lad. Come on into the Tower I says but he shook his head. I says what are you talking about and he says did you not
hear about Traynor’s daughter? I says I did but what the fuck do I care about Traynor’s daughter come on in and I pulled out a fiver. No he says no I have to go on about my business the priest was down to see me he says I’ve to get into no more trouble. I’ve got into enough trouble through going about with you I have to go on up to see Father Dominic he says he might have a job for me. Excuse me he says pushing past me and away he goes with the raggy coat flapping behind him. Go on you humpy bastard! I shouted after him, you were glad enough of it when it was going!
I went in and bought a packet of fags and something to clean my jacket all they had was shampoo that’ll do I says. When I came out I seen Mrs Connolly going past on the far side of the street with a basin full of flowers. I waved to her but she got all red and stuck down her head and never let on she seen me. A loudspeaker whistled and screeched then a hymn started up. It was called Faith of Our Fathers. I listened for a while but it was only a fuck up of a hymn. I stood outside the home bakery and sang my own. It was about Matt Talbot, my old friend from the Father Tiddly days. This is more like it, I said, this is a real hymn!
I love my planks the best of all
In spite of cold and frost and rain
And I love my cat I give him kipper teas
But most of all I love my chains.
I sang a few more verses all about them saying to him: Do you want us to buy you a drink Matt? Fuck off with yourself!