I had a good laugh at that, sitting on the wall and shouting at them going by: Matt Talbot for president!
Then I sang more. I pasted back my hair and sang into a lollystick.
Well its one for the money!
Two for the show!
I sang that one. Then I sang:
When you move in right up close to me
That’s when I get the shakes all over me!
I sang more. I shouted:
Francie Brady on Radio Luxembourg!
Then I got fed up singing fuck this I said, fucking singing. I went into the cafe its you he says what do you want I says sausages rashers beans chips eggs all that. I’m sorry we’re closing sorry but we got to close now. I bought a bag of Tayto crisps and went out to the hide. I tried to clean the jacket up with the shampoo but it was no use I used half the bottle all it did was make it worse then I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and went round to the slaughterhouse but it was too early I was waiting for near two hours before Leddy came how long are you here he says a good while Mr Leddy I said. Its near time you’d show your face around here or where in the hell were you! Oh I says I was off rambling. Rambling he says, you’d do well to ramble in your own time Brady I’ve a mind to kick you rambling down that road. Well says I you won’t have to worry for that’s the end of it it’ll be all over now shortly. He pulled on his apron and says they have a half ton of shite round at that hotel you were supposed to collect it and they have my heart scalded now get round there today and fuckingwell see about it. Right so Mr Leddy I said.
Then we started into the killing and we were working right through till dinnertime. Then he wiped his hands on his apron and says I’m away to my dinner take that cart round now. And make sure and tell them tell them you’ll collect on time next week. I will indeed Mr Leddy I says. When he was gone off down the town I took the captive bolt pistol down off the nail where it was hanging and got the butcher’s steel and the knife out of the drawer. There was a bucket of old slops and pig meal or something lying by the door so I just stuck them into that and went away off with the cart whistling. So Traynor’s daughter had been talking to Our Lady again, eh? They were all talk about her going to appear on the Diamond. I heard two old women on about it. We should be very proud says one of them its not every town the Mother of God comes to visit. Indeed it is not says the other one I wonder missus will there be angels. I wouldn’t know about that now but sure what odds whether there is or not so long as she saves us from the end of the world what do we care? Now you said it missus now you said it. Everywhere you went: Not long now.
I went by Doctor Roche’s house it was all painted up with big blue cardboard letters spread out on the grass: AVE MARIA WELCOME TO OUR TOWN. I was wondering could I mix them up to make THIS IS DOCTOR ROCHE THE BASTARD’S HOUSE, but I counted them and there wasn’t enough letters and anyway they were the wrong ones.
Tell Leddy to collect this brock on time or its the last he’ll get from us says the kitchen man and stands there looking at me like I was stealing something off him. I will indeed I said and started shovelling it into the cart. I shovelled and whistled away and made sure there wasn’t a scrap left so there’d be no more complaining. Then off I went again on my travels. Everybody was all holy now, we’re all in this together people of the town, bogmen taking off their caps to women, looking into prams and everything. This is the holiest town in the world they should have put that up on a banner.
There was a nice altar on the Diamond. There was three angels flying over it just in front of the door of the Ulster Bank.
I never saw the town looking so well. It looked like the brightest, happiest town in the whole world.
I went round the back swinging my meal bucket. I could see the neighbour’s curtain twitching whistle whistle hello there Mr Neighbour its me Francie with my special delivery for Mrs Nugent. Then away she went from the window so I knocked on Mrs Nugent’s door and out she came wearing her blue housecoat. Hello Mrs Nugent I said is Mr Nugent in I have a message for him from Mr Leddy. She went all white and stood there just stuttering I’m sorry she said my husband isn’t here he’s gone to work oh I said that’s all right and with one quick shove I pushed her inside she fell back against something. I twisted the key in the lock behind me. She had a white mask of a face on her and her mouth a small o now you know what its like for dumb people who have holes in their stomachs Mrs Nugent. They try to cry out and they can’t they don’t know how. She stumbled trying to get to the phone or the door and when I smelt the scones and seen Philip’s picture I started to shake and kicked her I don’t know how many times. She groaned and said please I didn’t care if she groaned or said please or what she said. I caught her round the neck and I said: You did two bad things Mrs Nugent. You made me turn my back on my ma and you took Joe away from me. Why did you do that Mrs Nugent? She didn’t answer I didn’t want to hear any answer I smacked her against the wall a few times there was a smear of blood at the corner of her mouth and her hand was reaching out trying to touch me when I cocked the captive bolt. I lifted her off the floor with one hand and shot the bolt right into her head thlok was the sound it made, like a goldfish dropping into a bowl. If you ask anyone how you kill a pig they will tell you cut its throat across but you don’t you do it longways. Then she just lay there with her chin sticking up and I opened her then I stuck my hand in her stomach and wrote PIGS all over the walls of the upstairs room.
I made sure to cover her over good and proper with the brock there was plenty of it they wouldn’t be too pleased if they saw me with Mrs Nugent in the bottom of the cart then I lifted the shafts and off I went on my travels again there was more hymns and streams of people up and down Church Hill with prayerbooks. Who did I meet then only your man with the bicycle and the raincoat thrown over the handlebars. He was all friendly this time he was a happy man Our Lady was coming he said. I haven’t seen you this long time he says are you still collecting the tax? No I said that’s all finished I’m wheeling carts now. You never thought you’d see the day the Mother of God would be coming to this town, eh? he says and looked at me as much as to say it was me arranged the whole thing. No, I did not, I said, its a happy time for the town and no mistake. A happy happy time he says and reached in his pocket to take out his tobacco puff puff what will we talk about now nothing I said the best of luck now I’m away off round to the yard right he says no rest for the wicked that’s right I says no rest for anyone only Mrs Nugent in the bottom of this cart. But he didn’t hear me saying that.
I let down the cart for a minute and went in to buy some fags the women were there over by the sugar only without Mrs Connolly. I got the fags and I says to the women its a pity Mrs Connolly isn’t here I wanted to talk to her about what I said sure I was only codding! I said. What would I go and say the like of that to her for! Me and Mrs Connolly are old friends! Didn’t I get a prize off her for doing a dance! A lovely juicy apple! I lit up a fag and puffed it ha ha they said ah sure don’t be worrying your head Francie they said we all do things we regret don’t we ladies. Yes I said especially Mrs Nugent and laughed through the smoke. Then they said: What? But I said: Oh nothing.
One of them twisted the strap of her handbag round her little finger and said there was no use in people bearing grudges at a special time like this. Now you said it I said, you never spoke a truer word.
Well ladies, I said, I must be off about my business there’s no rest for the wicked indeed there is not Francie said the woman with three heads laughing away like in the old days. I had gone through that fag already and the shop was full of smoke I was puffing it all out that fast so what did I do only light another one. Francie Brady – I smoke one hundred cigarettes a day! Yes its true! Francie Brady says! No, it isn’t. Only when I’m wheeling Mrs Nooge around. I stuck a little finger in the air and pulled on the fag like something out of the pictures. I say ladies – good day, I said and that started them off into the laughing again. Master Algernon Carruther
s and his Nugent cart. OK Nooge let’s ride I said, the Francie Brady Deadwood stage is pulling out. The drunk lad went by with another saint in a barrow and ducked down when he seen me.
Stop thief! Come back with that saint! I says and started into the laughing again. Stop that man! He’s going to sell that poor saint for drink! Whistling away on I went my old man’s a dustman he wears a dustman’s hat. I don’t know where all the songs came out of. Well its one for the money. I am a little baby pig I’ll have you all to know. Yes this is the Baby Pig Show broadcasting on Raydeeoh Lux-em-Bourg!
Hello my good man. Fine weather we’re having. What did you order? Two pounds of chump steak?
Or was it a half pound of Mrs Nugent?
Sorry folks, Mrs Nugent’s not for sale! She’s off on her travels with her old pal Francie Brady. I was passing by Mary’s sweetshop so in I went and got a quarter of sweets clove drops. I came in to say hello to my old friend Mary I said will you ever forget them old days Mary! Twenty years in Camden Town! What about that! What do you say we go inside and you can give us a song on the piano!
I lit another fag and went on talking away but Mary said nothing just scooped the sweets into the bag with a silver shovel and then twisted it the way she did spin twist and there it was a little knobbly bag of best clove drops yes indeed. Then she went and sat down by the window again looking out across the square. Look at that Mary! The same old clove drops! I said but she still didn’t say anything just smiled if you could call it a smile. I knew who she was thinking about. She was thinking about Alo that’s who she was thinking about. Don’t worry Mary I said, your troubles are over Mary – Francie Brady the Time Lord is here!
But soon as I said it I felt stupid and I tried to think of something completely different to say but I could think of nothing so I just put the sweets in my pocket and went out the bell jingle jingle and the door closing behind me. Mary had the same face as ma used to have sitting staring into the ashes it was funny that face it slowly grew over the other one until one day you looked and the person you knew was gone. And instead there was a half-ghost sitting there who had only one thing to say: All the beautiful things of this world are lies. They count for nothing in the end.
Even if that was true I still went round the lane where the kids were this might be my last chance I said. Sure enough there they were setting toy tea-things on an orange box and clumping around in the enormous shoes. Can I play I said. How can you play if you’re big one of them said, clear off! There was a young lad sailing lollystick rafts out into the middle of a puddle. I said to him: What would you do if you won a hundred million billion trillion dollars?
Without thinking he looked at me and said: I’d buy a million Flash Bars. Well fuck me, I laughed, then off I went again and left him churning up the water with his stick and whistling some tune he was making up as he went along.
Where the hell were you says Leddy when I got back to the slaughterhouse yard. Oh, tricking about I says, well trick about in your own time he says I have to go on up to the shop, you take over here. Right, I said, that suits me, and I let down the barrow beside the Pit of Guts and asked Leddy where he’d put the lime. Clear off Grouse! I shouted and he tore off through the gate with a string of intestines. I got the shovel and slit open the bag of lime there was warm tears in my eyes because I could do nothing for Mary.
I’d say it was a good laugh when Mr Nugent Ready Rubbed came home that evening. Brr that’s a cold one yoo-hoo! I’m home what’s for tea dear? Dear oh dear that wife of mine she’s so busy she hears nothing. The smell of scones and the black and white tiles polished so you could see your face in them. O she’s probably just gone out to the shop for something never mind let’s see what’s on the telly. Here is The News. News. Mm, isn’t it quiet around here since Philip went to boarding school? Mm, isn’t it quiet around here since my Mrs went to heaven he’d soon be saying but he didn’t know that. I wonder what it will be – rashers and eggs maybe or one of her special steak and kidney pies! But poor old Mr Nugent he’d have a long wait before he got one of them again. Ah yes, it was sad. And that is the end of the news. Hmm. Tick tock. I wonder where she could be. I wonder where my wife could be? Hello next door neighbour did you see my wife? No, to tell you the God’s honest truth now I didn’t. Oh dear said Mr Nooge. Tick tick and walking round the kitchen the silence wasn’t so nice now over and over again just where is Mrs Nugent the invisible woman? Tick tock and I don’t care about Maltan Ready Rubbed, where is my wife! Look at that old Mr Nugent and his big red eyes! Maltan Ready Rubbed – Its The Best Boo Hoo Hoo! That wouldn’t look so good on the television. I wonder would she be upstairs? Do you think she might have gone upstairs and fallen asleep next door neighbour? Why yes she could have couldn’t she? Let’s go and investigate shall we? Good idea says Mr Nugent and off they go taking the stairs two at a time but then when they open the door what do they see all over the walls oh no Mr Nugent hardly able to stand and the next door neighbour don’t look don’t look!
Well she doesn’t seem to be in there anyway ha ha perhaps the police might know why don’t we ring up let me do it Mr Nugent. Sweaty fingerprints all over the telephone hello is that Sergeant Sausage I mean is that the police station?
I was whistling away when I looked up and seen Sausage and four or five bogmen police coming across the yard I never seen them before they weren’t from the town. One of them kept looking over the whole time sizing me up trying to catch my eye to tell me by Chrisht you’re for it now boy! but I just went on skinning and whistling. I don’t know what I was whistling I think it was the tune from Voyage to the Bottom of The Sea. Leddy was standing in the doorway wiping his hands with a rag then looking over at me with a chalky old face on him. I heard the sergeant saying: The neighbours seen him going in round the back of the house this morning.
Next thing what does Leddy do only lose the head. Before the sergeant could stop him he had a hold of me and gives me this push I fell back against the fridge door I hope to Christ they give you everything that’s coming to you! I should never have let you darken the door of the place only I let myself be talked into it on account of your poor mother! he says standing there shaking with his fists opening and closing. He tried to push me again but I managed to get a hold of his arm I looked right into his eyes and he knew what I was saying to him, Mr Leddy from the Cutting Up Pigs University you better watch who you’re pushing Bangkok you were never in Bangkok in your life and you better watch what you’re saying about my father plucking my mother or you’ll get the same Nugent got would you like that Pig Leddy – Leddy the Pig Man would you fuckingwell like that!
Then I burst out laughing in his face he was so shocked – looking I thought he was going to say O please Francie I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say all that it was a slip of the tongue.
What could I say? Such a daft place!
Mr Nugent was shivery and everything I knew he couldn’t bear to look at me. Where is she, said Sausage and the bullneck bogmen got a grip of me two on either side. They had me now all right I wasn’t fit to move a muscle. Oh I said, this must be the end of the world. I hope the Blessed Virgin comes along to save me!
Where is she? says Sausage again.
Maltan Ready Rubbed Flake, that’s the one!, I said to Mr Nugent and I got a thump in the ribs. Then they said right turn this place inside out and that’s what they did. They turned it upside down. Those bogmen cops. You could fry a rasher on their necks. How many rashers was that? Four. No – let’s make it two rashers and two eggs instead if you don’t mind!
I wonder is she in behind this half-a-cow? No, she doesn’t appear to be. What about under this septic tank? No, no sign of her. Then they got hysterical. They had to take Mr Nugent away. What have you done with her? I said who and they got worse. They gave me a beating and took me for a drive all round the town. What had they draped across the chickenhouse only THE TOWN WELCOMES OUR LADY. I said to them: She must be going to land on the chickenhouse roof and they stuck the c
ar to the road with a screech of brakes by Christ I’ll tear that blasphemous tongue out of your head with my bare hands says Sausage. But he didn’t, then we were off again where to, the river. Is she out here? Who, I said again. After all that they took me back to the station and gave me the father and mother of a kicking. In the middle of it all what does one of the bullnecks say: Let me have a crack at him and I’ll knock seven different kinds of shite out of him!
That finished me off altogether. I started saying it the way he said it. Seven different kinds of shoite! For fuck’s sake!
The way they do it they put a bar of soap in a sock and I don’t know how many times they gave it to me it leaves no marks. But it still knocks seven different kinds of shite out!
Where is she said Sausage, shaking. Castlebar Sausages – they’re the best! I said. Hear them sizzle in the pan – Sergeant Sausage says!
Then they got fed up and said fuck him into the cell we’ll get it out of him in the morning. I could hear them playing cards. Foive o’ trumps! and all this. That’s the besht keeerd you’ve played thish ayvnin’! I stuck my ear to the wall so as I wouldn’t miss any of it. I heard them saying: I wouldn’t turn my back on that treacherous fucker not for a second!
They kept me in the cell the whole of the next day they were waiting for the detective to come down from Dublin. I could hear them all going by in the street come over here you bastard I shouts to the drunk lad through the bars you owe me two and six the fucker away off then running like the clappers. Hello Mrs Connolly I shouted look where they have me now! Your man with the bicycle, I shouts over: This is what I get for not paying my pig toll tax! It serves me right!
Ha ha he says and nearly drove the bicycle into a wall. Who appears at the window of the cell then only Mickey Traynor and McCooey the miracle worker. I’m praying for you son, says McCooey. He had Maria Goretti propped up against a couple of haybales on the back of the cart he said she was going to bleed at the apparition. Then he says I hear there’s been bad trouble in the town this past few days. How are you my son, he says, I’m praying for your immortal soul, never fear. Through the bars I could see Goretti gawking up at the sky with her hands joined. Observe her beautiful eyes, McCooey’d say, Observe the beautiful saint’s eyes and then two red red rubies of blood would appear and roll down her white cheeks. Its sad Mr McCooey, I said. What, my son, he said, this vale of tears in which we are all but wanderers searching for home? No, I said, fat old bastards like you wasting all that tomato sauce. O Jesus Mary and Joseph says Mickey and reaches out in case he faints. You’re a bad and wicked and evil man and you broke your mother’s heart didn’t even go to the poor woman’s funeral! I said to him what the fuck would you know about it Traynor what do you know you couldn’t even fix the television could you well what are you talking about! Do you hear me Traynor? Fuck you! Fuck you and your daughter and The Blessed Virgin! I didn’t mean to say that Traynor made me say it the whole street heard me there they were all looking and crossing themselves oh Jesus Mary and Joseph then in came the bullnecks and the detective they gave me another kicking and says we’re going for a drive after and you’d better start opening your mouth Brady or by Christ you’ll get what’s coming to you. I fell into a sort of sleep then after that and I heard Mrs Connolly and them all saying the rosary for me outside in the square. I looked up and there was Buttsy and Devlin looking in between the bars. You better pray they hang you says Buttsy what we’re going to do to you we’ll string you up like the pig you are. He was all smart but then he starts screeching what have you done to my sister till Devlin had to take him away. I said good riddance and read the Beano I got one of the children to get me in Mary’s shop. General Jumbo he had some army, tiny little robot men he controlled using this wrist panel of buttons made for him by his friend Mr Professor. I used to think: I wouldn’t mind having one of them that controlled all the people in the town. I’d march them all out to the river and click!, stop right at the edge. Then just when they were saying: Phew that was a lucky one we nearly went in there, Hi-yah! I’d press the button – in you go youse bastards aiee! and the whole lot of them into the water.