me," says Jim as he snatches a piece of toast from Ben's plate.
"Can't you bother someone else for a change, I'm hungry this morning?"
"Nah, you're an easy target. Anyway, with your trust fund, I know you won't go hungry."
"I suppose you want the bacon too?"
"Look, over there, is that Coach Jackson?" says Jim.
Ben turns quickly. Jim scarfs up the bacon. Ben, realizing he's been had, turns back slowly with an exasperated look.
"You fancy anything else on my plate?"
"Nope. Not now."
"Hey, you want this cereal?" asks Phil from across the table. "I don't know why I picked it up."
Everyone at the table knows why he picked it up. Phil hates cereal. Jim loves it.
"Yeah, don't mind if I do," says Jim. "First, I need to get a refill on this coffee. BRB."
As Jim walks off towards the coffee shop, one of the gals, Mary, asks, "What's he majoring in?"
"Well, technically, he's not actually a real student, in the normal sense," says Ryan with an exaggerated emphasis on the word technically.
"But he takes courses?"
"Oh, yeah."
"So, what, how can that be if he's not enrolled?"
Ryan says, "Well, that depends on what you call enrolled."
"Ahh, how many ways are there?"
"Well there's the usual way, you go pay your tuition at the Financial Office and they send a message to the Registrar's Office who places you in enrolled status on their computer system. Bingo, you're enrolled."
"And there's another way?"
"Yeah, when the assistant Registrar is out of her office, I enroll you. I work over there. Actually, I can do it from any terminal on campus. We hacked the system and I have the passwords but I like to do it from her terminal in case someone checks the audit trail to see which terminal was used."
"Ohh. And no one finds out that he's not paying his bills? Don't they check that or something?"
"Nope. Data flows to the Registrar's Office, not the other way around. The system was never designed to check if everyone enrolled also paid their bills."
"So he's taking courses, getting credit, but not paying?"
"Yep."
"Where does he live?"
"Lets just say his accommodations are also a bit non-traditional."
"And free, too?"
"Yep. Like his meal plan."
"What meal plan?"
"We're the meal plan. He grazes the cafeteria."
"We need to talk sometime, Ryan," says Mary.
Jim returns with a fresh coffee and digs into the cereal, toast and bacon.
"So why is Sean over there in a cast?"
"You need to ask?"
"Fell off the bike again?"
"You bet. He's not very good at it but he keeps trying."
Ryan, looking over the Fall schedule of classes on his laptop, asks, "Ok, I need to pick some crapstone GenEd class for Fall."
"What's on this year's list of horrors?"
"Here's what I found so far:"
SOC 103 Zombies in Popular Media
PSYC 233 Drag: Theories of Transgenderism and Performance
PHYS 099 The Science of Harry Potter
GEO 199 Metaphysics and Ontologies of Global Warming
WYM 321 Porn Chic: Exploring the Contours of Raunch Eroticism
"Anyone know anything about these?"
"What? no basket weaving?"
"Too close to a real job skill."
"Wear an aluminum hat if you take the GEO course. The outpatients are out in force in that one. That course should count in the religion and world beliefs category."
"The moonbat version of creationism, if you ask me."
"Hey, I got a trigger warning in my math class yesterday. It seems the term hypotenuse triggers sexual issues in sensitive people."
"I did the Porn Chic course last semester. It's ok is you don't mind an overweight, gravel voiced lesbian in combat boots stomping around the room for 50 minutes three times a week ranting about her dildo collection. When's it scheduled?"
"MWF 9"
"Definitely not a class to take with a hangover. That's the legendary Ms Cupcake's course from the Womynist and Gender Studies Department. But if you take it, just make sure she thinks you're gay, otherwise, you won't pass."
"How about if I gender self identify as a womyn and say I'm interested in womyn?"
"That'll work!"
"She preaches a lot about gender parity but it sounds more like parody."
"Hey, parody is the sincerest form of envy!"
"How come there's nothing about her course in the online student reviews?"
"They're sanitized. She'd be all Title IX on them if they told the truth then she'd witch hunt the idiot crazy enough to say anything honest. Since there aren't any positive evaluations and they're afraid to print the real ones, they just print a blank space."
"Did you see ENG 201 Elvish, The Language of "Lord of the Rings"?"
"I already took that. I think I'll go with PHIL 300 Star Trek Epistemology. Always best to stick with the classics."
"And we're borrowing a bazillion dollars a year to pay this crap?"
"Yep. But, hey, it gives these moonbats something useless to do. Otherwise, they'd be just be street people pushing trash filled old grocery carts. This way, they're distinguished academics."
"You are all guilty of thought crime. Go to one of our conveniently located, gender neutral restrooms and wash your mouth out with a bar of fair-trade, organic, hormone free, vegan friendly, non-GMO, hypoalergenic, non-comedogenic, gluten free soap made from brown rice, quinoa, amaranth, millet, tasty flax, chia seeds, and virgin coconut oil."
"Don't forget the organic sea salt."
Looking at the time, Ben says, "Enough groupthink. I better get on the sound board at KRAP, I'm supposed to do some interview setups today."
"So, you still working for campus radio?"
"Yeah, sorta. If you can call finding the crappiest classical music in the library and playing it work. More like audience torture, if you ask me."
"Well, what's not to like with programs like Drive Time Shostakovich?"
"Don't forget The Tibetan Chant Anger Management Hour or Marxism Looks at the News."
"Why do they play that trash?"
"Mainly to out-trash the other state school radio stations, that's why. They don't need to worry about an audience since they get state money. So each campus tries to out weird the other. Anyway, they pay me so I'm outta here."
"Yeah, I need to get moving too. Catch you later," says Ryan as he and the others get their things and begin to head off.
Jim, now alone, gets another cup of coffee, picks up a copy of the school paper, returns to his table and begins scanning the help wanted section. He circles a few ads but the pickings are not good.
Bored, he starts listening to the guys at the next table.
"So, I called my mom about my tutoring."
"You mean that girl you paid 100 bucks to have sex with?"
"One time."
He decides to go back to reading his paper.
A few minutes later Scott, a tall guy in shorts and a sweatshirt printed with the text, You read my shirt, walks over and says, "What's up, Jim? Any luck?"
"Nope. Not a damned thing."
"Well, maybe with the presidential visit you can get some work, I'm sure they'll be hiring a lot of people."
"What presidential visit?" says Jim looking up and a bit annoyed suddenly realizing this could be a problem.
"President Munson is coming to campus for a speech next week. Didn't you know?"
"Nope. He's not really president, yet, ya'know."
"Hey, president of the Convention, same thing for most of us. I even got an invitation to be in the audience," says Scott beaming. "I'm sitting on the risers right behind the great man himself."
"So, you're a prop person?"
"No, I'm a supporter."
"Figures."
"Awww, you didn't get an invite," says Scott with mock sympathy. "And you're jealous!"
"Must be in the mail."
"By the way, how do you get mail?"
"I use a dorm address."
"Ohh. And no one checks?"
"Yeah, really? So, when is this event?"
"Next Monday afternoon. Big speech, all the networks, the full deal."
"Where?"
"On the quad."
"Oh shit!"
"Why, what's wrong with that."
"It means the place will be crawling with security people, that's what. I may have to move."
"You still in the attic of Bander Hall?"
"Yeah, I have the penthouse suite there. All the comforts of your basic five star resort."
"I'll bet."
"Well, the rent is cheap. But it sounds like I might need to move. What's your space situation these days?"
"Crowded, I got friends coming in from some other schools. They got invites too so I'm full up at the moment."
"Geeez, more political groupies, just what this place needs."
"Keep it up dude. When the revolution comes, I'll see that you're one the first up against the wall."
"I thought you hated guns."
"I'll make an exception in your case."
"So exactly where on the quad is this speech-fest gonna take place?"
"Right in front of Bander - they want the picturesque main entrance as a backdrop and it will look real nice with a late afternoon, low sun angle."
"Crap. So I really need to find alternative accommodations."
"Why?"
"Why? Because the security people will lock down every quad facing window in Bander, that's why."
"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right. So, what will you do?"
"Well, I'm not to thrilled about going back to live in the steam tunnels again. I guess I'll go crash in East Gym. Hardly anyone goes there since they closed it."
"I guess you'd know."
"Yep. Well, I guess tomorrow I start moving. In the meantime, I'm heading over to campus police and see if I can get a job doing crowd control or something," says Jim as he chugs the last of the coffee, folds the paper, and stands up.
"Ok, good luck. You sure you don't want me to try getting an