PART 2 - IMPLOSION
Day 29 – Friday “A New Phase”
Hi Diary,
I’m feeling so good today. I haven’t felt so good for many years.
I told my boss that I would like to start studying full time in college, and after a long conversation he surprisingly agreed to lay me off, so I could get an unemployment plan.
I already had a reasonable amount of money in my bank account and now I still will receive money for a number of months for being unemployed.
I admit it was an irrational and stupid idea, but try to understand me; I feel beaten and tired.
I need time to myself.
I haven’t told anyone about this. I don’t want people to know that I will be full time at home from now on.
I also turned my cell phone off and put it back inside its box. After all these years serving me, it also deserves to take a rest.
Upon getting home, I wanted to watch TV, so I decided to exorcise this evil habit from my life once for all.
I got a baseball bat my father gave me a long time ago, which I had never used before, put the TV in the middle of my living room and started hitting it until it became useless.
I share my house now with the murdered and scattered shards of series and advertisements that won’t reach me anymore.
I think I got a little overexcited doing that, and also broke all the mirrors, clocks and light bulbs of my house.
My beard and hair can grow from now on.
I looked into some drawers and found very interesting things, such as playing cards, board games, paints, fabrics, and votive candles.
I feel safe.
I have to go to the market tomorrow and buy some supplies.
From this moment on, it’s going to be just you and me, my dear Diary, tasting the sweet flavor of loneliness; locked up inside this unpierceable fortress.
I never could imagine how satisfied and complete I would feel with the absence of the things that would characterize me.
Day 30 – Saturday “Getting Ready To Be Gone”
Hi Diary,
I woke up very early today.
I went out to buy groceries and stuff and the grocery stores were still closed.
I smoked until everything started working normally. It took three cigarettes.
Now my cabinets are all filled with all kinds of pasta, meat cans and coffee.
I also bought a lot of beverages and candles, so both can enlighten my mind and my house.
There are so many bottles of beer and wine here that it would be enough to satisfy all the members of an alcoholic pride parade, if there was one.
I had to take a cab to bring it all here.
After that, I went to the flea market and bought a huge collection of CDs and LPs from bands and singers that I have never heard about.
I also bought so many cigarette packs that I could use their boxes to build a life-size cardboard house.
I bought so many types of incense that I could use it to perfume the entire world for a whole day.
I think I’m all set to spend at least one month without having to get out of home.
In my desperate chase for self-enlightenment, I find myself stuck in my unusual and strange world; my dome. My den that protects me against the exterior environment and its cruel attempts to ruthlessly harm our sanity and integrity.
I will finally have human moments.
Now I’m going to drink and meditate until all the pollution society planted in myself disappears, just as when a rabbit vanishes into a magician’s top hat.
Have a good rest, my dear friend Diary.
See you tomorrow.
Day 31 – Sunday “Drown Into Cleanliness”
Hi my admirable friend Diary,
Today I dreamed that I was working.
I have worked the whole night for free.
Then, after becoming awake, I tried to build up a card castle.
It has been helping me to clear my mind.
My battle now is for getting detoxified from old habits and thoughts.
I also made a tiny camp fire on the rooftop of my building using old bank statements that I had.
I’m discovering a bunch of good songs in those CDs that I bought. Most of them are in a foreign language, but it doesn’t bother me. I kind of understand the songs’ meaning even though I can’t understand a word from their lyrics.
Music should be the universal idiom. It can express any type of emotion and message.
Words, however, are dead.
Day 32 – Monday “Human Life Physics”
Hi Diary,
Today I remembered what a teacher of mine told me once, “When hired, companies will pay you as much as what you know.”
So we have:
Human being is worth what it knows.
This short answer wasn’t enough for me, so I have compared this conclusion with physics, which is a science with exact results where all spent energy gets converted to something else and never gets lost.
I found out a great range of variability which would interfere with what he said.
What I figured out was:
Human Being = HB (It stands for a biological machine that transforms organic energy into electrical or mechanical energy)
Knowledge = K (It stands for when a Human Being learns something, this one converts consumed organic energy into electrical energy in order to archive the learned information inside its brain, then we have Knowledge as product)
Activity Done = AD (It stands for when a Human Being converts consumed organic energy into mechanical energy used for any type of physical functioning)
Basic Necessities = BN (It stands for alimentation, that also can be characterized as Human Being fuel, sanitation, habitation, amusement, and other things that ensure Human Being functionality)
Life Level = LL (It changes from human to human. The gain in money and the way this one wants to be seen by the surrounding other humans also changes its value)
Gain = G (It stands for the gain in money of a Human Being, earned in exchange of performing some job to another Human Being)
Then we have:
HB = G – (BN x LL)
And G can be found with the following formula:
G = K + AD
We conclude that Human Being’s gain is Knowledge plus Activity Done. And then, we take the result of this equation and subtract Basic Necessities times its Life Level to find this Human Being’s value.
Day 33 – Tuesday “A Numb Beginning”
Hi Diary,
Through the elegant dance with my partner Inebriate, I find myself sometimes painting on fabrics, and sometimes on my walls; playing chess against myself, hoping to win or lose from both sides at the same time.
Tales come to my mind as lucid dreams every time I close my eyes, and sometimes I throw up some quotations.
Caffeine and nicotine flavors don’t leave my mouth even for a second.
Songs are being sung into my ears; whispered into my brain.
My nights are lightened by the unsteady candle flames.
My inner child and my ego smile hand in hand, as they sing me lullabies together.
Butterflies and dragonflies invisibly fly throughout the rooms of my house attracting protection.
My bed became soft as fresh jelly and perfectly fits my body when I lie down on it.
Day moves slowly, so does night.
I feel like my mind flooded my entire house; climbed on the walls like hungry vines; stuck on the ceiling like dense smoke; took all over the floor like water breaking into a pierced boat.
I feel like I can talk with nature and with the spirits who come to my home looking for a shelter.
My world is expanding through every square foot of my impenetrable sanctuary, and in it, I’m the good and charitable monarch.
Day 34 – Wednesday “Dreams Square”
Dreams Square:
I recall very well the first time I saw that place. I was just a tiny child.
Some night,
as usual, my mom sang to me until I fell asleep.
After that, I went straight to that place. It was a large wide quiet square.
It was completely forgotten.
Then, I allowed myself to run, get dirty and laugh until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Every day I would get anxious while waiting for night to come.
Every night I was there again.
The more I dreamed, the better the square would get.
Flowers were blooming everywhere. It was so beautiful.
I started to take care of that with all my passion.
There were huge flowers, children’s slides and swing sets everywhere.
I could materialize rain clouds and toys.
Everything was perfect.
I loved every single thing there, and from them, I was loved back.
I decided to talk about that place with the adults.
I wanted to know if they had a safe place to go at night, which would bring them hope.
They would pat the top of my head with their hands and laugh at me with a mourning expression.
“This is just an illusion. You’re wasting your time,” they said, “It’s time to get mature and start worrying about your future.”
In order to become an adult I should, then, stop dreaming.
In the square, the flowers were dying and the toys were rusting.
I had to sit on a rock, prohibiting myself to play.
I stopped creating rain clouds, and started working hard to postpone the flowers’ death.
I resolved to leave the square. I felt no longer like I deserved to be there.
I wandered through blank dark cities under hollow nights.
Someday, at some street, when I was already an adult, I found a sad child wearing old and dirty clothes sitting on the ground, so I sat next to him.
He was sad and starving, very skinny, and looking as light as a feather.
I looked into my pockets trying to find something I could give him, but there was nothing.
I remembered I could create anything when I was a child, so I imagined a huge meal, but