* * *
The following morning I greeted the dawn with a stroll along the beach. I remembered the disturbing vision of us wrapped together on the shore; the tide sweeping in to clothe our married bodies. As alarming as this memory was, it was accompanied with a pleasant feeling, a sense of being complete with him. I had lost the other half of myself when Adriana died, though I had found it again with Jordan -- but in a distinctly singular way that I could not put into words.
I contemplated the ocean and its vastness. It was alive with the surf moving in and out. Taking a breath and then exhaling on the shore, a ceaseless rhythm of water rolling back and cascading on the dunes, daring to touch my feet. Adriana had paced these same shores, looking out at the same never-ending stretch of sea and sky. And I thought about her name and what it meant. Simply translated, it was "Woman of the Sea". And here she had fallen into the eternal embrace of the ocean to be a part of it forever.
My foot stepped on something in the sand and I bent down to inspect it. It was a small sea shell. Gathering it up, I placed it in my pocket. When Adriana and I were young we collected sea shells, mementoes of our afternoons at the local beach. In our bedroom back in Monterey, there still remained a collection of them on our window sill. It was strange how the past could still haunt me by these remnants from long ago.
The brilliant rays of the sun warmed my skin, and I wondered why I only saw Jordan after dark. Where was he during the daytime? Was he some nocturnal creature from the nether realms? I laughed at this, since Jordan was anything but dark or menacing. He was more of a guardian angel. But one that appeared vulnerable to my presence. It mattered to him when I did not show up the other night. And then there was that connection he mentioned. I had experienced it myself but could not explain it, though apparently he understood it. His words comforted me that I would understand everything in time. Perhaps it was better not having all the answers; for now. Romance and mystery could be a suitable replacement for the truth. For once an illusion is revealed, the magic is gone and so is the sense of wonder along with it.
An icy breeze filled the sails of my dress and I wrapped my arms around myself. Winter was around the corner, waiting in the wings to make its appearance. Soon it would take center stage, as the warmth of autumn faded away.
I paused to collect my thoughts. If Jordan was only an invention of my mind, then why couldn't I conjure him up now? But I knew from psychology, that the mind was not a genie in a lamp. Was he the imaginative longings of a lonely woman, or was he just a beautiful man who once lived in another time? Jordan told me I had resurrected the past and brought him back to life, but back to life from what?...Death?
I felt goose pimples on my arms and shivered. Perhaps he would never age and remain forever young in death. The idea was so fantastic and yet it seemed to explain some things. If he was dead, then there must be a grave, unless he was cremated like my sister. I remembered passing a small churchyard in Maryvale. I would go there later this afternoon and see if his name existed among the dead. Maybe the caretaker there would recognize the name, Jordan Harmon.
The cry of sea gulls woke me from my reverie, as they gracefully arced and dipped themselves into the water. On the other side of the bay, the old lighthouse stood silently watching. It had been many years since I had been there. Another one of the secret places Nathaniel took me to play.
I walked towards it, mesmerized by its tall grandeur and the whirlpool of memories it summoned. As I reached the other side of the bay, I beheld its artistic majesty. The stone elegance crafted a century ago, kept silent vigil of every sunset.
I placed my hand against it and felt the resonance of years and countless days. The change of weather and seasons, tides that came and went, children who grew up and died -- but the lighthouse stayed the same, resistant in a landscape that was constantly moving like the ocean. Time was somehow not able to touch it. It was ageless like the sky, the sea, and Jordan. But did he really dwell outside the stream of time? And what exactly was time? Something man had invented to measure something that didn't even exist?
I tested the door and found it locked. Of course it would be. The lighthouse had not been used in decades. Nathaniel and I had only played outside, peering through the dusty window at the spiral stairs climbing to its pinnacle. I dreamed of a day, that I could ascend those circular steps to survey the same panorama its light once swept across.
"Laura," a voice broke the silence, turning my memories to dust. It was Nathaniel.
"I see you're thinking about the past." he observed.
"Your intuition is right on the money." I smiled. "So tell me, do you know who owns the lighthouse?"
His golden hair danced like the waves in the wind.
"I have no idea." he answered. "It was owned many years ago by a mariner named, Silas Griffin. But he had no living relatives when he died, and that was several years ago now." Then the expression on his face changed. "Why?” he asked, “Were you hoping to go inside and look around?"
"Again," I repeated, "Right on the money. My sister was the only one who could read my mind that well."
"Well I don't know anything about reading minds, but I do know you." he reflected.
"And know me to well." I grinned. "You know, it's amazing how much we shared."
"You mean Adriana?" he asked.
I nodded my head. "Yes, we shared the same thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Somehow I always knew when she was in trouble." I paused to take a deep breath. "The day she died, I was at the nursing home tending our mother, and felt this horrific tearing inside my soul. It was like a part of me had been ripped away."
I looked at Nathaniel and lowered my voice.
"I later discovered that was the hour Adriana fell from the cliff."
Nathaniel bridged the gap between us and placed his arms around me. I trembled as the tears came.
"I don't know if I lost connection with her that day, or if it continues on after death?"
Nathaniel put his head back and gripped my face between his hands.
"Your sister will always be a part of you,” he promised. “Don't ever forget that."
Nathaniel put his lips over my mouth and kissed me fervently. Then I felt his tongue against mine and shivered. A part of me detached and watched outside as a spectator. It was apparent that my cousin had feelings for me. Feelings like his brother Sebastian had for my sister. I had never once had reason to suspect this before, but now it was plainly obvious. How could I be so naïve? Perhaps I could not see the future at all.
I pulled myself away from his grasp. Nathaniel's face dropped when he saw my expression.
"Forgive me, cousin," he lamented. "I don't know what came over me." He removed a handkerchief and wiped the perspiration from his forehead. "Please don't hold this against me.” he pleaded.
A rush of emotions spun like a tornado inside me. Without a word, I turned and ran back to the house.