Maxon’s hand was resting on his leg, and I slid mine under his. He gave me a welcoming squeeze. “If you’ll still have me, I want to stay.”
Maxon let out a relieved sigh. “I’d like that very much.”
I returned to the Women’s Room after a quick stop in the bathroom. No one said anything until I sat down, and it was Kriss who was bold enough to ask.
“What was that all about?”
I looked not just to her, but to all the watching eyes. “I’d rather not say.”
With my puffy face, a response like that was enough to make it seem like nothing good could have come from the meeting; but if that was what I had to say to protect Marlee, then I was fine with it.
What really stung was Celeste pressing her lips together to hide her smile, Natalie’s raised eyebrows as she pretended to read her borrowed magazine, and the hopeful glance between Kriss and Elise.
The competition was deeper than I had guessed.
CHAPTER 21
WE WERE SPARED THE HUMILIATION of dealing with the aftermath of our receptions on the Report. The visits from our foreign friends were mentioned in passing, but the actual events were kept from the public. It wasn’t until the next morning that Silvia and the queen came to speak to us about our performances.
“It was a very daunting task we gave you, and it absolutely could have gone horribly wrong. I’m pleased to say, however, that both teams did very well.” Silvia looked at each of us appraisingly.
We all sighed, and I reached for Kriss’s hand as she did the same. As confused as I was about her and Maxon, I knew there was no way I could have made it through that without her.
“If I’m honest, one event was slightly better than the other, but you should all be proud of your accomplishments. We received thank-you letters from our longtime friends in the German Federation for your gracious hosting,” Silvia said, looking at Celeste, Natalie, and Elise. “There were a few minor hiccups, and I don’t think any of us truly enjoy such serious affairs, but they certainly did.
“And as for you two,” Silvia turned toward Kriss and me. “The ladies from Italy enjoyed themselves immensely. They were quite impressed with your style, and the food; and they made a special point to ask for the wine you served, so, bravo! I wouldn’t be surprised if Illéa gained a wonderful new ally based on that welcome. You’re to be commended.”
Kriss squeaked, and I let out a nervous laugh, happy enough that it was over, let alone that we’d beat the others.
Silvia went on to talk about how she would be writing up an official report to hand over to the king and Maxon but said that none of us had a thing to worry about. As she spoke, a maid scurried into the room and ran over to the queen, whispering in her ear.
“Absolutely, they may,” the queen said, suddenly standing and walking forward.
The maid rushed back and opened the door for the king and Maxon. I knew men weren’t supposed to come into this room without the queen’s permission, but it was comical to see it in action.
As they entered, we stood to curtsy, but they didn’t seem to care about formalities.
“Dear ladies, we are sorry to intrude, but we have urgent news,” the king informed us.
“I’m afraid we’ve had a development with the war in New Asia,” Maxon said firmly. “The situation is so dire that Father and I are leaving this very moment to see if we can do any good.”
“What’s wrong?” the queen asked, clutching her chest.
“It’s nothing to worry about, my love,” the king said confidently. But that couldn’t be a completely honest statement if they had to rush out of here so suddenly.
Maxon walked over to his mother. They had a brief, whispered conversation before she kissed his forehead. He hugged her and stepped away. The king then began rattling off a list of instructions to the queen while Maxon came to say good-bye to each of us.
His good-bye to Natalie was so short it almost didn’t happen. Natalie didn’t seem too bothered, and I didn’t know what to make of that. Was she actually not worried by Maxon’s lack of affection, or was she so bothered that she was forcing herself to be calm?
Celeste draped herself across Maxon and exploded into the worst display of fake crying that I’d ever seen. It reminded me of May when she was younger, thinking tears would magically bring money for us to have what we wanted. When he went to untangle himself, she planted a kiss on his lips that he promptly—and in as polite a manner as possible—wiped away after his back was turned.
Elise and Kriss were so close that I heard his good-byes to them.
“Call ahead and tell them to go easy on us,” he said to Elise. I’d almost forgotten that the main reason she was still here was that she had family ties to leaders in New Asia. I wondered if this war going downhill would cost her her spot.
Then I suddenly realized that I had no clue what Illéa stood to lose if we lost this war.
“If you get me a phone, I will talk to my parents,” she promised.
Maxon nodded and kissed Elise’s hand, then walked over to Kriss.
She immediately laced her fingers in his.
“Will you be in danger?” she asked quietly, her voice beginning to shake.
“I don’t know. During our last trip to New Asia, the situation wasn’t nearly so tense. I can’t be sure this time.” His voice was so tender, I felt they should have been having this conversation in private. Kriss lifted her gaze to the ceiling and sighed, and in that quick second Maxon looked over to me. I averted my eyes.
“Please be careful,” she whispered. A tear fell onto her cheek.
“Of course, my dear.” Maxon gave her a silly little salute, which made her laugh a bit. He then kissed her cheek and put his lips to her ear. “Please try to keep my mother entertained. She worries.”
He pulled back to look into her eyes, and Kriss nodded once and let his hands go. The second they were no longer touching, a tremor went through her body. Maxon’s hands twitched for a second, like he was going to embrace her, but then he stepped away and started to walk toward me.
As if Maxon’s words of last week weren’t enough, here was physical proof of their relationship. By the look of it, they had something very sweet and real. One glimpse of Kriss with her face in her hands was proof of how much she cared for him. Either that, or she was an incredible actress.
I tried to gauge his expression when he looked at me versus the way he had looked at Kriss. Was it the same? Was there less warmth there?
“Try not to get into any trouble while I’m gone, all right?” he said teasingly.
He didn’t joke with Kriss. Did that mean something?
I raised my right hand. “I promise to be on my best behavior.”
He chuckled. “Excellent. One less thing to worry about.”
“What about us? Should we worry?”
Maxon shook his head. “We should be able to smooth over whatever’s going on. Father can be very diplomatic and—”
“You are such an idiot sometimes,” I said as Maxon’s brow furrowed. “I mean about you. Should we worry about you?”
His face was very serious then and did nothing to help my fears.
“Flying in and flying out. If we can make it to the ground …” Maxon swallowed once, and I saw how frightened he was.
I wanted to ask something else, but I didn’t know what to say.
He cleared his throat. “America, before I go …”
I looked up to Maxon’s face and felt the tears rising.
“I need you to know that everything—”
“Maxon,” the king barked. Maxon lifted his head and waited for his father’s instructions. “We need to go.”
Maxon nodded. “Good-bye, America,” he said quietly, and lifted my hand to his lips. As he did so, he noted the little homemade bracelet I wore. He studied it, seeming confused, then kissed my hand tenderly.
That little feather of a kiss sent me back to a memory that felt years old. He had kissed my hand like that my first night in the palac
e when I’d yelled at him, when he’d let me stay anyway.
The other girls’ eyes were glued to the king and Maxon as they left, but I was watching the queen. Her entire body seemed weak. How many times would her husband and only child be put in danger before she cracked?
The moment the door shut behind her family, Queen Amberly blinked a few times, inhaled deeply, and pulled herself up to her full height.
“Forgive me, ladies, but this sudden news will require a lot of work from me. I think it’s best if I go to my room so I can focus.” She was fighting so hard. “How about I have lunch delivered here so you can eat at your leisure, and I will join you all for dinner tonight?”
We nodded. “Excellent,” she said, and turned to leave. I knew she was strong. She’d grown up in a poor neighborhood in a poor province, working in a factory until she was chosen for the Selection. Then, once she was queen, she suffered miscarriage after miscarriage before she finally had a child. She would make it to her room looking like a lady, as her position demanded. But she would cry once she was alone.
After the queen left, Celeste went, too. Then I decided I didn’t have to stay either. I went to my room, wanting to be alone and to think.
I kept wondering about Kriss. How had she and Maxon suddenly connected? Not too long ago, he was making me promises about our future. He couldn’t have been that interested in her if he was saying such intimate things to me. It must have happened after that.
The day passed quickly. After dinner, as my maids quietly helped me prepare for bed, a single sentence lifted me from my reflections.
“Do you know who I found in here this morning, miss?” Anne asked as she gently pulled a brush through my hair.
“Who?”
“Officer Leger.”
I froze, but only for a fraction of a second. “Oh?” I said. I kept my eyes on my reflection as they continued.
“Yes,” Lucy said. “He said he was doing a sweep of your room. Something about security.” She looked a little confused.
“It was strange though,” Anne said, echoing Lucy’s expression. “He was in his plain clothes, not his uniform. He shouldn’t be doing security work on his time off.”
“He must be very dedicated,” I commented in a disconnected tone.
“I think he is,” Lucy said with awe. “Whenever I see him around the palace, he’s always noticing things. He’s a very good soldier.”
“True,” Mary said matter-of-factly. “Some of the men who come through here really aren’t fit for the job.”
“And he looks good in his plain clothes. Most of them look terrible once you get them out of their uniforms,” Lucy commented.
Mary giggled and blushed, and even Anne cracked a smile. It had been a long time since they’d seemed so relaxed. On another day, in another moment, it might be fun to gossip about the guards. Not today though. All I could think about was that there was a letter in my room from Aspen. I wanted to peek over my shoulder at my jar, but I didn’t dare.
It felt like an eternity before they left me alone. I forced myself to be patient and wait a few minutes to make sure they didn’t come back. Finally I darted over to my bed and clutched my jar. Sure enough, a tiny slip of paper was waiting for me.
Maxon is gone. This changes everything.
CHAPTER 22
“HELLO?” I WHISPERED, FOLLOWING THE instructions Aspen had left for me the day before. I cautiously walked into a room lit only by the fading daylight spilling in through the gossamer curtains, but it was enough for me to see the excitement on Aspen’s face.
I closed the door behind me, and he immediately ran over and scooped me up.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you, too. I was so busy with that reception, I barely had time to breathe.”
“Glad it’s over. Did you have a hard time getting here?” he joked.
I giggled. “Seriously, Aspen, you’re way too good at your job.” It was almost comical how simple his idea was. The queen was a little more relaxed when it came to running the palace. Or maybe she was distracted. Either way, she’d made dinner an option: in your room or downstairs. My maids prepped me for the meal, but instead of heading to the dining room, I walked across the hall to Bariel’s old room. It was too easy.
He smiled as he took in my praise and sat me down in the back corner of the room on some pillows he’d already piled there. “Are you comfortable?”
I nodded and expected him to sit too, but he didn’t. Instead he pushed over a large couch, which blocked the door from sight, and then pulled in a table that brushed the top of our heads as we sat on the floor. Finally he grabbed a bundle he’d left on top of the table—it smelled like food—and settled next to me.
“Almost like home, huh?” He moved behind me so I was between his legs. The position was so familiar and the space was so small that it did feel a little like our old tree house. It was like he’d taken a piece of something I thought was gone forever and placed it neatly in my hands.
“It’s even better.” I sighed, leaning into him. After a minute I felt his fingers combing down my hair. It gave me shivers.
For a while we sat there in silence, and I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of Aspen’s breathing. Not so long ago, I’d done the same thing with Maxon. But this was different. If I had to, I thought I could pick Aspen’s breathing out of a crowd. I knew him so well. And, clearly, he knew me. This tiny bit of peace was everything I’d been aching for, and Aspen made it real.
“What are you thinking about, Mer?”
“Lots of things.” I sighed. “Home, you, Maxon, the Selection, everything.”
“What are you thinking about all of that?”
“Mostly how confused I get about them. Like how I’ll think I understand what’s happening to me, and then something shifts, and my feelings change.”
Aspen was quiet for a moment, and his voice sounded pained when he asked, “Do your feelings about me change a lot?”
“No!” I said, pushing myself closer to him. “If anything, you’re the one constant. I know that if everything turns upside down, you’ll still be here, in the exact same place. Everything gets so crazy that my love for you gets pushed to the background, but I know it’s always there. Does that make sense?”
“It does. I know I make this whole thing more complicated than it already is. I’m glad to know I’m not completely out of the running though.”
Aspen wrapped his arms around me, like he could hold me there forever.
“I haven’t forgotten us,” I promised.
“Sometimes I feel like Maxon and I are in our own version of the Selection. It’s just him and me, and one of us will get you in the end; and I can’t decide who’s worse off. Maxon doesn’t exactly know we’re competing, so he might not be able to try as hard. But then, I have to hide, so it’s not like I can give you everything he can. It’s not really a fair fight either way.”
“You shouldn’t think about it that way.”
“I don’t know how else to see it, Mer.”
I exhaled. “Let’s not talk about that.”
“All right. I don’t like talking about him anyway. What about all the other stuff you’re confused about? What’s going on?”
“Do you like being a soldier?” I asked, turning toward him.
He nodded enthusiastically as he reached down and opened the food. “I love it, Mer. I thought I’d hate every minute, but it’s fantastic.” He popped a chunk of bread into his mouth and kept talking. “I mean, there’s the obvious stuff, like I’m always being fed. They want us to be big, so there’s plenty of food. And the injections, too,” he said, amending his thoughts. “But they’re not so bad. And I get an allowance. Even though I have everything I need, I get money.”
He stopped for a moment, toying with an orange slice. “I know you know how good it feels to send money home.”
I could tell he was thinking about his mom and his six siblings. He had been the father figure at his home; I
wondered whether that made him even more homesick than I was.
He cleared his throat and went on. “But there are other things that I wasn’t expecting to like, too. I really enjoy the discipline of it and the routine. I like knowing that I’m doing something necessary. I feel so … content. I’ve been restless for years, counting stock or cleaning houses. Now I feel like I’m doing what I was meant to do.”
“So that’s a big yes? You love it?”
“Completely.”
“But you don’t like Maxon. And I know you don’t like the way Illéa is run. We used to talk about it back home, and then that whole thing with the people in the South losing their castes. I know that bothers you, too.”
He nodded. “I think it’s cruel.”
“Then how are you okay with protecting it? You fight against rebels to keep the king and Maxon safe. They’re the ones who make everything happen, and you don’t like any of what they do. So how do you love your job?”
He chewed as he thought. “I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t make sense, but … okay, like I said, there’s the sense of purpose. And feeling challenged and engaged, the ability to do something more with my life. Maybe Illéa isn’t perfect. In fact, it’s far from it. But I have … I have hope,” he said simply.
We were both quiet for a moment while the word washed over us.
“I have this feeling that things have gotten better than they were, though I honestly don’t know enough about our history to prove that. And I have this feeling that things will get even better in the future. I think that there are possibilities.
“And maybe this is silly, but it’s my country. I get that it’s broken, but that doesn’t mean these anarchists can just come and take it. It’s still mine. Does that sound crazy?”
I nibbled my bread and reflected on Aspen’s words. They took me back to our tree house and all the times I would ask him questions about things. Even if I disagreed, it helped me understand them better. But I didn’t disagree on this point. In fact, it helped me see what was probably hiding in my heart all this time.
“It doesn’t sound crazy at all. It sounds completely reasonable.”