“Does that help with whatever you’ve been thinking about?”
“It does.”
“Are you going to explain any of it?”
I smiled up at him. “Not yet.” Though Aspen was smart, and he might have already guessed. The wistful look in his eyes suggested that he probably had.
He looked away for a moment, running his hand down my arm, finishing by playing with the button bracelet around my wrist. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”
“A big one.”
“Sometimes I feel like we’re a knot, too tangled to be taken apart.”
I nodded. “It’s true. So much of me is tied up in you. I feel kind of lost without you.”
Aspen pulled me close, running a hand over my temple and down my cheek. “We’ll just have to stay tangled then.”
He kissed me gently, like, if he pushed too hard, the moment might shatter and we’d lose everything. Maybe he was right. Slowly, he lowered me to the mattress of pillows, holding on to me, tracing curves as he kissed me on and on. It was all so familiar, so safe.
I ran my fingers through Aspen’s cropped hair, remembering the way it used to fall and tickle my face when he kissed me. I noted his arms around me, so much fuller than they used to be, so much sturdier. Even the way he held me had changed. There was a newfound confidence there, something instilled in him through becoming a Two, becoming a soldier.
Too soon it was time to leave, and Aspen walked me to the door. He gave me a lingering kiss, making me a little light-headed. “I’ll try to get another note to you soon,” he promised.
“I’ll be waiting.” I leaned into him, holding on to him for one long moment. Then, to keep us safe, I left.
My maids prepped me for bed, and I went through it in a daze. It used to feel like the Selection was one choice: Maxon or Aspen. And as if that was some decision my heart could make simply, it grew into so many more things. Was I a Five or a Three? When this was over, would I be a Two or a One? Would I live out my days as an officer’s wife or a king’s? Would I slide quietly into the background in which I’d always been so comfortable or force myself into the spotlight I’d always feared? Could I happily do either? Could I not hate whoever Maxon ended up with if I chose Aspen? Could I not hate whoever Aspen chose if I stayed with Maxon?
As I got into bed and turned out the light, I reminded myself that it was my decision to be here. Aspen may have asked, and my mother may have pushed, but no one forced me to fill out the form for the Selection.
Whatever was coming, I’d just face it. I’d have to.
CHAPTER 23
I CURTSIED TO THE QUEEN as I walked into the dining room, but she didn’t notice. I looked over to Elise, who was the only one already there, and she merely shrugged. I sat down as Natalie and Celeste entered and were equally ignored; and finally Kriss arrived, sitting next to me but keeping her eyes on Queen Amberly. The queen seemed to be in her own world, staring at the floor or occasionally glancing at Maxon’s and the king’s chairs as if something was wrong.
The butlers began serving food, and most of the girls started eating; but Kriss kept watch on the head table.
“Do you know what’s going on?” I whispered.
Kriss sighed and turned to me. “Elise called her family to get some insight into what was happening and to have her relatives meet Maxon and the king once they got to New Asia. But Elise’s family says they never arrived.”
“They never came?”
Kriss nodded. “The weird thing is, the king called when they landed, and he and Maxon both spoke with Queen Amberly. They’re fine, and they told her they were in New Asia; but Elise’s family kept saying they never showed.”
I scrunched my forehead, trying to understand. “What does that all mean?”
“I don’t know,” she confessed. “They say they’re there, so how could they not be? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Huh,” I said, not sure of what else to add. Why would Elise’s family not know they were there? What if, maybe, they weren’t actually in New Asia? Where could they be?
Kriss leaned closer to me. “There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about,” she whispered. “Could we go for a walk in the gardens after breakfast?”
“Of course,” I answered, eager to hear what she knew.
We both ate quickly. I wasn’t sure what she’d found out, but if she wanted to talk outside, there was clearly a need for secrecy. The queen was so distracted, she barely even noticed as we left.
Stepping into the sunlit gardens felt wonderful. “It’s been awhile since I’ve been out here,” I said, closing my eyes and lifting my face to the sun.
“You usually come with Maxon, right?”
“Mm-hmm.” A second later, I wondered how she knew that. Was it common knowledge?
I cleared my throat. “So, what did you want to talk about?”
She stopped under the shade of a tree and turned to face me. “I think you and I should talk about Maxon.”
“What about him?”
She fidgeted. “Well, I had prepared myself to lose. I think we all had, except for maybe Celeste. It was obvious, America. He wanted you. And then everything with Marlee happened, and it changed.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say. “So, are you just telling me you’re sorry for moving to the top or something?”
“No!” she said emphatically. “I can see he still cares about you. I’m not blind. I’m only saying, I think you and I might be neck and neck at this point. I like you. I think you’re a really great person, and I don’t want for things to get ugly, however it turns out.”
“So this is …?”
She clasped her hands in front of her, trying to think of the right words. “This is me offering to be completely honest about my relationship with Maxon. And I’m hoping you’ll do the same.”
I crossed my arms and went for the one question I’d been dying to ask. “When did you two get so close?”
Her eyes got a little dreamy, and she toyed with a piece of her light-brown hair. “I guess right after everything with Marlee. It probably sounds stupid, but I made him a card. That’s what I always did back home when my friends were sad. Anyway, he loved it. He said no one had given him a present yet.”
What? Oh. Wow. After everything he’d done for me, had I really never done anything for him in return?
“He was so happy, he asked me to sit with him awhile in his room and—”
“You’ve seen his room?” I asked, shocked.
“Yes, haven’t you?”
My silence was all the answer she needed.
“Oh,” she said awkwardly. “Well, you’re not missing anything. It’s dark, and there’s a gun rack, and then he has this mess of pictures on the wall. It’s nothing special,” she promised, waving it away. “Anyway, after that he started visiting me during pretty much every free moment he had.” She shook her head. “It happened kind of fast.”
I sighed. “He basically told me,” I confessed. “He made a little comment about needing us both here.”
“So …” She bit her lip. “You’re pretty sure he still likes you?”
Hadn’t she already suspected that? Did she simply need me to confirm it? “Kriss, do you really want to hear all this?”
“Yes! I want to know where I stand. And I’ll tell you anything you want to know, too. We aren’t running this thing, but that doesn’t mean we have to be lost in it.”
I walked in a short circle, trying to make sense of everything. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to ask Maxon about Kriss. I could barely talk honestly with him about me. But I kept feeling like I was missing pieces of the truth about where I stood. Maybe this was my only hope of really knowing.
“I’m pretty sure he wants me to stay around for a while. But I think he wants you here, too.”
She nodded. “I figured.”
“Has he kissed you?” I blurted out.
She smiled bashfully. “No, but I think that he would have if I hadn’t as
ked him not to. In my family, we sort of have this tradition where we don’t kiss until we’re engaged. Sometimes we have a party when people announce their wedding date, and everyone gets to see the first kiss. I want that for me.”
“But he tried to?”
“No, I explained before we got that far. He kisses my hands a lot, though, or sometimes my cheek. I think it’s kind of sweet,” she gushed.
I nodded, looking at the grass.
“Wait,” she said, hesitating. “Did he kiss you?”
Part of me wanted to brag that I was his first kiss ever. That when we kissed, it felt like time stopped.
“Sort of. It’s kind of hard to explain,” I hedged.
She made a face. “No, it’s not. Has he or hasn’t he?”
“It’s complicated.”
“America, if you’re not going to be honest, then this is a waste of time. I came here wanting to be open with you. I thought it would benefit us both to be friendly.”
I stood there, wringing my hands, trying to think of a way to explain myself. It wasn’t that I disliked Kriss. If I went home, I’d want her to win.
“I do want to be friends with you, Kriss. I kind of thought we already were.”
“Me, too,” she said gently.
“It’s just hard for me to share private things. And I appreciate your honesty, but I’m not sure I want to know everything. Even though I asked,” I said quickly, seeing the words coming to her lips. “I already knew he had feelings for you. I could see it. I think I need things to be vague for the time being.”
She smiled. “I can respect that. Would you do me a favor though?”
“Sure, if I can.”
She bit her lip and turned her eyes away for a minute. When she looked back, I could see the hint of tears in her eyes. “If you’re certain that he doesn’t want me, could you maybe warn me? I don’t know how you feel, but I love him. And I’d appreciate being told. If you know for sure anyway.”
She loved him. She said it out loud, fearlessly. Kriss loved Maxon.
“If he ever told me for sure, I would tell you.”
She nodded. “And maybe we could make another promise? Not to purposely get in each other’s way? I don’t want to win that way, and I don’t think you do either.”
“I’m no Celeste,” I said with disgust, and she laughed. “I promise to be fair.”
“Okay then.” She dabbed at her eyes and straightened her dress. I could see it so easily, how elegant she would look with the crown on her head.
“I need to go,” I lied. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“Thanks for coming. I’m sorry if I was too intrusive.”
“It’s fine.” I stepped away. “I’ll see you later.”
“Okay.”
I turned as quickly as I could without being rude and made my way to the palace. Once inside, I quickened my pace and bolted up the stairs, aching to hide.
I made my way to the second floor and headed toward my room. I noticed a piece of paper on the floor, which was unusual for the typically immaculate palace. It was by the corner leading to my door, so I guessed it might be for me. To be sure, I flipped it over and read.
Another rebel attack this morning, this time in Paloma. Current count is over three hundred dead, at least one hundred more wounded. Again, the main demand appears to be terminating the Selection, calling for an end to the royal line. Please advise on best response.
My body went cold. I scanned both sides of the paper, looking for a date. Another attack this morning? Even if this was a few days old, it was at least the second one. And the demand was again ending the Selection. Was this what all the recent attacks had been about? Were they trying to get rid of us? If so, were both the Northern and Southern rebels pursing that end?
I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t supposed to have seen this message, so it wasn’t like I could talk to anyone. But did the people who were supposed to know already have this information? I decided to put the paper back on the ground. Hopefully, a guard would come around soon and get it to the right place.
For now I would just be optimistic that someone was responding.
CHAPTER 24
I TOOK ALL MY MEALS in my room for the next two days, managing to avoid Kriss until dinner on Wednesday. I thought I wouldn’t feel so awkward by then. I was sadly mistaken. We gave each other quiet smiles, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I almost wished I was across the room sitting between Celeste and Elise. Almost.
Just before dessert was served, Silvia came sprinting in as fast as her heeled shoes could carry her. Her curtsy was particularly brief before she made her way to the queen and whispered something to her.
The queen gasped and ran with Silvia out of the room, leaving us alone.
We’d been taught never to raise our voices, but in the moment we couldn’t help ourselves.
“Does anyone know what’s going on?” Celeste called, abnormally concerned.
“You don’t think they’re hurt, do you?” Elise said.
“Oh, no,” Kriss breathed, and put her head down on the table.
“It’s okay, Kriss. Have some pie,” Natalie offered.
I found myself speechless, afraid even to think about what this could mean.
“What if they were captured?” Kriss worried aloud.
“I don’t think the New Asians would do that,” Elise said, though I could see she was worried. I wasn’t sure if her concern was strictly for Maxon’s safety or because any aggression on the part of the people she had a connection with would ruin her chances.
“What if their plane went down?” Celeste said quietly.
She looked up, and I was surprised to see genuine fear on her face. It was enough to silence us all.
What if Maxon was dead?
Queen Amberly returned with Silvia in tow, and we all watched her eagerly. To our intense relief, she was beaming.
“Good news, ladies. The king and prince will be home tonight!” she sang.
Natalie clapped as Kriss and I simultaneously fell back into our chairs. I hadn’t realized how tense my body was for those few minutes.
Silvia chimed in. “Since they’ve had such an intense few days, we’ve decided to forgo any big celebration. Depending on when they leave New Asia, we might not even see them before bedtime.”
“Thank you, Silvia,” the queen said patiently. Really, who cared? “Forgive me, ladies, but I have some work to do. Please enjoy your desserts and have a lovely night,” she said, then turned and flew out the door.
Kriss left seconds later. Maybe she was making a welcome home card.
After that I ate quickly and made my way back upstairs. As I was walking down the hall toward my room, I saw a little flash of blond hair under a white cap and the fluttering black skirt of a maid’s uniform running toward the far-side stairs. It was Lucy, and it sounded like she was crying. She seemed so determined to get away unnoticed that I decided not to call out after her. Rounding the corner to my room, I saw that my door was wide-open. Without it to block their voices, Anne and Mary’s argument spilled into the hallway, where I overheard everything.
“—why you always have to be so hard on her,” Mary complained.
“What was I supposed to tell her? That she can have whatever she wants?” Anne shot back.
“Yes! What would the harm be in simply saying you had faith in her?”
What was going on? Was this why they had all seemed so distant lately?
“She aims too high!” Anne accused. “It would be unkind of me to give her false hope.”
Mary’s voice bled with sarcasm. “Oh, and everything you told her was so kind. You’re just bitter!” she accused.
“What?” Anne lashed back.
“You’re bitter. You can’t stand that she might be closer to something you want than you are,” Mary yelled. “You’ve always looked down on Lucy because she wasn’t raised at the palace as long as you were, and you’ve been jealous of me because I was born here. Why c
an’t you be happy with who you are instead of stepping on her to make yourself feel better?”
“That’s not what I was trying to do!” Anne said, her voice breaking.
The tight sobs were enough to silence Mary. It would have stopped me, too. Anne crying seemed like an impossibility.
“Is it so bad that I want more than this?” she asked, her voice thick with tears. “I understand that my position is an honor, and I’m glad to do my job; but I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. I want more. I want a husband. I want …” She was finally overcome by her sadness.
My heart broke into a thousand pieces. The only way for Anne to get out of this job was to marry her way out. And it wasn’t like a slew of Threes or Fours were going to parade down the palace halls looking for a maid to take as a wife. She really was stuck.
I sighed, steadied myself, and entered the room.
“Lady America,” Mary said with a curtsy, and Anne followed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her feverishly mopping the tears off her face.
Given her pride, I didn’t think acknowledging them was a good thing, so I strode past the both of them to the mirror.
“How are you?” Mary continued.
“Really tired. I think I’ll be going to bed right away,” I said, focusing on the pins in my hair. “You know what? Why don’t you both go relax? I can take care of myself.”
“Are you sure, miss?” Anne asked, trying so hard to keep her voice composed.
“Very. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”
They didn’t need any more encouragement than that, and thank goodness. I didn’t want them to take care of me right now any more than they probably felt like it. Once I managed to get out of my dress, I lay in bed for a long time thinking of Maxon.
I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was thinking about him. It was all slightly vague and unfixed, but I kept flashing back to my overwhelming happiness when I found out he was safe and on his way back. And there was a corner of my mind that wondered if he’d thought about me at all while he was gone.
I tossed for hours, completely unsettled. At about one in the morning, I figured that if I couldn’t sleep, I might as well read. I turned on the lamp and pulled out Gregory’s diary. I skipped past the fall entries and picked one from February.