Inhaling so deeply my lungs felt like they were going to burst, I straightened. There was nothing left to do but leave.
I reached over toward the phone, feeling the buttons until I found the ‘0’, and punched it in. The line rang once before the operator picked up.
“Hotel La Cruz. How can I help you?”
“Hi, it’s Saul Halifax. I need to rent another room. Can I do that?”
“Do you wish to move from your current one?”
“No…I just need a whole other room. I can’t stay here anymore, but Audrey is still going to be here.”
“I understand. I can get your new room keys right away. Do you need a bellhop to come help you to your new room? Also, do you want it charged to your own card, or should I contact the curator of your bill?”
“Yes, on both. Please contact them. I’m supposed to have a room of my own but turned it down. I’m sure they’ll agree to it.”
“Very well. We’ll see you soon.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I replaced the phone on the receiver and closed my eyes. I hated to have to do this. What I wanted to do was just wait until Audrey came back and tell her I didn’t want to leave, that I loved her no matter what, and we could get through this. We could make it.
Instead, I began packing, tossing my clothes into my bag I kept in the same place of the closet every time we went anywhere. I kept things organized by taking up the left side of the dresser, closet, bathroom sink, and bedside table. It helped me find my things easily when packing.
Even though I probably would miss something packing up so hastily, I was sure Audrey would not toss it, that she would keep it for me if I ran into her again.
But would I run into her again?
I tried to clear my mind as I stuffed away my things. Finally slipping my toiletries into a waterproof bag I then tossed into my duffle bag, I was done.
Throwing on my jacket, I grabbed my bags, one full of clothes and essentials, the two others with my keyboard and other musical equipment and cords. It wasn’t much, but it had been my entire life for a while now and all I had.
A knock on the door let me know the bellhop had arrived. I opened the door and let him help me with the bags before closing the door behind me. Immediately, the scent of Audrey cut off, and other smells from the hotel’s carpet cleaner and heavy perfumes from other guests replaced it.
We took the elevator to another floor, several floors higher than the room I shared with Audrey. Arriving at the new hotel room, I thanked the bellhop, paid him a sizable tip, and closed the door behind him.
Finally alone once more, I sat on the edge of the freshly made bed and let the ache I felt for Audrey wash over me. She owned my heart and had smashed it to a thousand pieces. How could she have done that to me? Random? Really? Of all the men in the world, she chose him.
I shook my head and laid back onto the soft comforter. Closing my tired eyes, I let sleep overcome me as I pushed away thoughts of the future and thoughts about Audrey. I’d figure it out. I always did. If Audrey and I were meant to be, love would tell me sooner or later. It had to.
In the meantime, I had to find my place in the world again. There were schools for the blind somewhere in this city. Tomorrow I’d find one and see if I could donate some time to get to know the place and maybe, eventually, find a place to help others like me there. Maybe I could give hope to those who felt as lost as I’d felt when I’d lost my vision.
That’s exactly what I’d do. As the world darkened and my heart lay in tatters, I found comfort in my new goal, hoping the music would still be a great part of it as well as Audrey.
I’d find out soon enough, that was a guarantee.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Liz
I spun the rings on my fingers, a nervous habit I indulged in often. Why life had turned into such a stack of nerves for me was beyond my reasoning. Still, sitting across from Jonas, my lover, my damnation… I wished I were anywhere but here. His association with his dangerous Cartel I’d rather not have on my back was unnerving enough. Now, I had to deal with the consequences of his fury, his vengeance upon me when he wasn’t happy.
Oh, and how he’d made me pay dearly.
I was sore between my thighs from the strip session earlier. Jonas was exhausting when aggressive. And yes, Lonzo and his partner had watched me strip down to nothing, and had probably enjoyed every bit of it. I couldn’t even look Lonzo in the eye when we’d left and he drove us here to eat. Jonas was a bastard. Still, even he had his modesty. At least he’d taken me to the room to finish it off, but had not been gentle whatsoever.
Still, it could’ve been much worse, and I shuddered to think of what could’ve happened.
Now, here we were, at the restaurant, ready to eat and gain back the energies we’d expended. I was famished and aching all over. I’d managed to reapply my makeup and make myself presentable, but I still felt awkward in a place like this.
The restaurant he’d picked was swanky, and I felt severely underdressed. I was the only one who wasn’t wearing their Sunday best in this place. My messy black hair, dark eye makeup, dark clothes with rips and studs throughout it, along with my dark boots, stacks of bangles, and sparkling oversized hoop earrings made me look like a freak. Not to mention, there were red marks across my neck from Jonas’ fierce lovemaking. I had to tie a small scarf around it to hide the marks. Luckily, I’d hidden one stuffed in my purse.
I tried to not let my insecurities bother me, straightening as I walked past tables of people gawking at us as we made our way to a corner booth. I wasn’t going to let their insolent stares get me down. Fuck them.
With Jonas sitting across from me, I could see our differences as stark as day and night. We couldn’t be more mismatched, even with his shady choice of a career. I was the one sticking out way more than he was. Still, I was a rock star now, and I was sure I wasn’t the only one to waltz through here in the years it’d been open. That had me wondering if any other rock stars had felt persecuted for what they wore, for how they looked. Maybe they had but hadn’t really cared.
Jonas was the one with the power, not me. Maybe if I wasn’t on a chain I would feel above these people without a moment’s thought? Even though I didn’t know if he was still drunk or had sobered up, he’d shaven and looked more poised than ever before.
“I see you still don’t care to wear dresses much.” Jonas shook out his dinner napkin and placed it across his lap. I did the same and glared back at him.
“This is what I wear on stage. Rock star garb. Not much room for dresses when you’re dancing around on stage, playing your guitar,” I muttered. His observation dug under my skin and soured my mood even more.
“And I like that about you. You don’t care what others think. You are your own person, even when others would like to see a change or two.”
“Those kinds of people usually need to change something in themselves before trying to mold people to their liking.” I leaned back into the booth, feeling like tossing my set of silverware across the room. I resisted, no matter how unbearable that was.
“Hello, I’m Ruth. I’ll be your server today. Can I get either of you a beverage?” The waitress’ apron was a pristine white against her black uniform. I could tell it’d been ironed to death with its slick, straight creases. Her outfit made me sweat in my own dark ensemble, which suddenly felt like I’d pulled it out from under the bed, given it a shake before I wore it.
Stop…Why was I doing this to myself? I had to shake off this criticism before I ran out of the restaurant. I couldn’t show any weakness here, especially not in front of Jonas.
“I’ll take a brandy,” Jonas said.
“I’ll have a marti—no wait—an ice tea would be great, please,” I answered.
The waitress left with our orders, and I focused my eyes back onto the brilliant white tablecloth as I picked at my black nail polish, which was already looking destroyed.
??
?How have you been, Liv?”
I shrugged. “Fine.” He knew how I was. The only thing keeping me here was that shiny new guitar sitting in his SUV right now.
A moment passed before he spoke again. “I’ve missed our time together. It was quite extraordinary.” His eyes burned into me enough I had to look away again. “Did you miss me too?”
I didn’t respond. Instead, I began twisting my napkin to keep busy.
“I apologize for not visiting more often, but as you can see, business has been booming, in both the music industry and my own contracts back home.”
“In Mexico?” I asked. I never really asked him about his business, not like I did with Emilio. I got the importance of secrecy of the Cartel. It was intriguing, even though I never got much out of the brothers about it.
“Yes. I’ve been down there most of the past few weeks. Emilio and I have had to deal with an opposing group who protests some of our dealings. Unfortunately, they retaliated in a most unsavory way, attacking some of our allied villages, stores and destroyed things from those who sell to us. We took a bad hit in profit, but nothing goes without a steep price for what they’ve done.”
“You mean, people died, right?”
He flicked his eyes away from me as he folded his hands together tightly. The tension in his jaw made me wonder if gone too far. He was going to lose it with me one day.
“It’s only business.”
He visibly shut down as the waitress brought our drinks and we ordered our food. I asked for a steak and lobster, a treat I didn’t usually order on my own, even though now, with the new contracts under Noble Records, I could afford it. I just wasn’t used to doing anything fancy without Jonas doing it for me.
Learning how to eat more expensively was one thing I’d learned from Jonas.
“And Emilio? Is he done with everything down there too?”
I kept my face still, hoping to not giveaway my severe curiosity.
“Why do you want to know about Emilio?” His eyes focused on me, full of suspicion.
Shit.
I shrugged. “Just wondered. Lonzo’s been pretty good to us, but I’m sure Emilio misses the easy job of security detail for a music band. I bet it was a piece of cake compared to what you guys have to do now.” I hoped he couldn’t see through my façade. I was getting really bad at disguising things lately. I hoped I hadn’t royally screwed it up.
Just shut up, Liz…I scolded myself.
Our food arrived, luckily, for it distracted Jonas, who began digging into his steak in silence. Still, the tiny line between his eyebrows assured me we weren’t done on the topic of Emilio. I cut into my steak and tried to eat something, even though it tasted like nothing in my mouth when it should’ve been savory.
Once Jonas was almost done, he set down his fork and knife, wiping his mouth on the napkin, and settled back to watch me eat. I was picking at my lobster; though delectable, it was starting to feel like I was chewing on rubber.
“You think I don’t know, don’t you?” Jonas’ icy voice froze me up. The blood drained from my face instantly, while the wad of meat in my mouth turned to stone. I quickly grabbed my glass of water to force it down before I choked on it.
“What are you talking about?” I finally managed a hoarse whisper, still feeling the ball of food sliding down my esophagus, attempting to get stuck.
Jonas toyed with his utensils sitting gingerly against the sides of his dish. It was an insignificant gesture I found odd at that moment, like the act of restraint to not lose control. It did nothing but insight terror to my bones.
“I know everything, Liz. I have informants everywhere. I know what toothpaste you use, what hairspray is your favorite, and what kind of fucking tampons you like. Nothing gets past me.”
Stunned, I sat in the chair, afraid to move, stiff as a board. My fork slipped from my fingers and thumped onto the carpeted floor. I didn’t retrieve it. Instead, I placed my hands in my lap and tried to look unscathed from his words.
He was breathing hard, keeping his voice low enough for just my ears only, but I could hear the harshness of his tone dig into my chest like a sharpened knife.
“I loved you, but someone like you knows nothing of loyalty, nothing of the good things in life. That is why I sold the band to another company. You can go your own way, screw up your life even more if you like. I’m sick of playing second best. I don’t want to see your face anymore.”
He tossed his napkin on the table, looking like he’d lost his appetite too.
“If you ever try to contact Emilio again, I won’t hesitate to kill you. You hear me? This is me being merciful, something I think you believe I don’t have in my stone cold heart.”
He waved down the waitress for the bill. I still couldn’t even speak. My breath was locked in my lungs and refusing to move. All I could do was stare at Jonas in utter disbelief.
Did he just dump me?
“I have to go. I have an after lunch meeting with my soon to be fiancé. We’re going to pick out wedding rings. It’s quite cumbersome by the sounds of it. I’m sure it won’t be any more fun than this.” He motioned toward the table and exhaled loudly. His face was dark red, and he kept adjusting his collar.
“Jonas…I…”
“Don’t.” He stared me down, his complexion deepening as he tried to control his temper. He was on the verge of losing it, and I’d never seen him angrier. If we weren’t in such a public place, I was pretty sure my face wouldn’t be intact.
“You’ve done enough. I’ve already silenced plenty of people because of you. You don’t see anything that goes on around you. You don’t even care who you hurt or what sort of effects your drug use, your petty promiscuity leads to. You have no idea, just living in your little bubble, high on life and whatever you shove down your pretty throat. I should’ve known I could never tame someone like you, even when I really wanted to. I gave you everything, and you tossed it out the window. So, you’ve pushed me to the point I’ve had to pick a decent woman back home to marry— just for politics—to shut up my enemies down south who do business stateside too. It would do me no good to stay with you. You’re nothing but a little whore.”
His emphasis on the last word made me want to jump up and run away as fast as I could.
“You’re wrong. You never knew me. At all.” My voice shook.
I felt my tears welling up, but fought them back. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing anything like that from me. Not this time.
He sighed, looking calmer yet still unstable. He was still conflicted, like he couldn’t make up his mind on whether to stay or run and couldn’t decide. What the hell was this about his marriage of convenience? Wasn’t he supposed to be asking me to marry him? Lonzo told me he was going to ask me, not some random proper girl from back “home”. What the hell was going on?
“You said you loved me,” I whispered. I don’t know why I even brought that up. Did I really care? Had I even given a crap about this man? Could I really be feeling jealous?
“I do.” He stood up after signing the receipt and stuffing his wallet back into his jacket. “But that isn’t enough for either of us.”
“I’m sorry.”
His haughty laugh turned my blood cold. He shook his head as he got to his feet. Before he turned away, he walked toward me and stood next to the booth, drilling his cold eyes down into me.
“It’s too late for apologies, Miss Westing. Far too late. Lonzo will take you home. I’ve got better things to do.”
Just like that, he stopped calling me by my first name. I didn’t know that could sting so badly.
He spun and swiftly strolled the length of the dining room, sweeping through the doors in a vivid blur. I could see the dark of his suit more than him as I sat there, my lunch half eaten and my heart still frozen.
Wasn’t this what I’d wanted all along? Why did it feel like someone had torn my heart out?
Jonas dared to put a death warrant on my head if I sought out Emilio. N
o matter what, I was always losing at this game. But it wasn’t my game anymore, was it? How does one get beat at their own fucking game?
Dabbing my eyes and grabbing a mirror from my bag, I wiped the streaked makeup away from my face and onto the pristine white napkin of the restaurant. I didn’t care who was watching me now. I downed the rest of my tea and straightened my posture. I may have been beaten, but I was going to walk out of here with my dignity intact.
Fuck Jonas.
Fuck them all.
Chapter Fifty
Audrey
I stared out the window, letting the early spring air fill my lungs, regardless of the pollution invading the perfect afternoon. Taxi cabs and people shouting kept me in a trance as I watched their bodies fill the streets below, like tiny insects waiting to be crushed. But I was no giant to do such a thing. I was just as pathetically tiny as they were, already smashed to smithereens on the inside.
My eyes burned, swollen from crying all afternoon. I’d arrived an hour after Saul had left me at the park to find his stuff gone. All of it. Even his keyboard and equipment. There’d never been anything that stung more than that…nothing. My heart completely left me that moment too. I was alone now. Not even my sister Liv was here. I’d knocked on her door before heading to my room. All alone for the first time in my entire life and I hated it.
It felt like a vacuum, sucking my consciousness away, even though the hours passed slowly. I could barely remember the last few things I did before this moment, sitting on the edge of the window, staring at the fire escape and wishing I could evaporate into the misty clouds hovering above my head.
I was still here though, and I wouldn’t disappear into the atmosphere like I wanted to. I’d never been suicidal, but I could see how appealing it could be in moments like these where the darkness was heavy and the mind was a tiny whisper away from oblivion. The only thing I could hold onto was Liz. I was still her big sister, and I had to be there for her, always, no matter what. If she lost me, I didn’t want to think of how out of control she could become. I’d become her anchor, and I knew my role well. It was almost a co-dependency really. I was her stronghold, and she was the reason why I existed.