Maybe it was more than that, but that was all I had at this moment, and it was enough to keep me from sliding closer to the edge and letting the overwhelming despair engulf me. That’s all I needed. Just that one reason, enough to keep my head above water, and I silently thanked my sister for that tiny little beacon.
She’d never know how much she’d saved me that day.
Morning came, beckoning me from my sleep. I’d even left the curtains open in hopes that the sunlight of the dawn would tempt me out of bed, knowing I’d be in a desolate mood. It didn’t work as I laid there, staring at the popcorn ceiling, my mind empty and my lips cracked. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything since yesterday, and I was pretty sure I’d cried gallons all evening.
My stomach won the battle, and I reluctantly sat up. I was just about to get up and shower when there was clamorous knock on the door. I jumped to my feet, hoping it was Saul returning. The tiny spark of hope hovered inside like a pleasant lighthouse beacon in the fog after a storm.
“Saul?” I yanked the door open and found Liz staring back at me.
“It’s me. Look…I need to talk to you…” She lifted an eyebrow when she saw the state I was in. “Don’t look so excited to see me.” She pushed past me into the room and slumped into a chair.
“Come right on in, Sis,” I mumbled and hastily shoved the door shut. “What’s going on?”
“I have to go to California.”
I shoved my hair back, knowing I was looking horrid.
“Why? L.A.?”
She nodded.
“I got us both tickets for the noon flight. Get your stuff packed.”
“WH—what? You want me to go to California with you…today?”
“That’s what I just said. Come on. Hit the shower. You look like…wait...what the fuck happened to you?” Liv narrowed her eyes at me, scrutinizing the wreck before her.
“Saul left me. I cheated on him with Random, and I told him yesterday after the meeting.”
Liv’s eyebrows flew up as she took another good look around my room. “I see…Well, even better. You have no reason to stay here. Hell, Jonas broke up with me. Now, get ready. We don’t have much time. I’ll start packing your crap. You go shower. You need it.”
I groaned as she pulled out my bags from the motel’s closet, shaking them out and unzipping them. She haphazardly started tossing my clothes into them.
“Wait, try to be a little nicer to my stuff than you are to yours, alright? I’m jumping in the shower.” I grabbed the bundle in her hands and picked out an outfit before tossing it back at her. “Roll my stuff up, alright? I don’t want to be ironing all day when we get to L.A.”
Just like that, without any good reason, we were going to be on the road again. Given that we didn’t have to go back into the studio for a few weeks, I was ready to get the hell out of this suffocating hole. Saul had my number; if he changed his mind, which I highly doubted he would, he could always call me.
I was going to be waiting forever, but if it took that long, I’d wait an eternity for his call.
Always.
Chapter Fifty-One
Liv
“So tell me what exactly happened?” Audrey asked as she shoved her duffle bag into the overhead storage of the plane and slipped into the seat next to me. We’d gotten a slight upgrade and were flying first class, but it wasn’t that much more comfortable than coach in my opinion. Unless a person was willing to pay an arm and leg for the amount it cost to get onto a really swanky plane where you could practically live in your seat up in the air, first class had seriously gone downhill from what people saw in the movies. Especially since we’d paid for tickets at last minute in a sardine packed full plane.
“Well, after Jonas broke up with me and left, he sent Lonzo in to drive me back to the hotel. On the way back, he handed me this envelope and told me that I needed to go to the address in there.”
“What? You broke up? Why would Lonzo tell you to do anything? Did Jonas put him up to this?”
I shook my head.
“Nope, he told me that Jonas and Emilio couldn’t know about this at all.” I frowned at her. She had a way of making me feel shittier about my decisions. How did she do that so easily? “Jonas told me to take a hike because he knew everything.”
“Wow…” Audrey sat back, surprised. “So what was in the envelope again?”
“Lonzo said that all my questions would be answered when I got to that address back in L.A.”
“That’s it? What the fuck, Liz? What if he’s leading you into some crazy sex trafficking house and you’re falling right for it? Geezus, really?”
“Shh…can you say that louder?” I shook my head as we got nasty stares from other passengers that were taking their seats. I could see they were thinking we would be chatting it up all the way back to the west coast. “I looked it up on Google.”
Audrey rolled her eyes, rubbing her forehead. “Well, that’s a fucking relief, Sis. Google knows it all!”
I bit my lip, knowing she was doing me a favor by coming with me to L.A. without an inkling about why or a good reason for it, but she had to trust me. I had to trust that Lonzo was going to show me something worth my time.
“I kind of said something like that to Lonzo, and you know how he never smiles? He laughed at me! He just kept shaking his head and said, ‘Liz, you need to go there. Just tell them you’re my girlfriend. They will tell you everything you need to know about Emilio and Jonas. You’ll thank me for this one day. Trust me’.”
“Why’s he being all nice to you all of a sudden?”
“Hell if I know. Maybe he wants to see me naked again.” I wrinkled my nose at Audrey who leaned back and closed her eyes. I could tell the situation with her and Saul wasn’t much better than my problems with Jonas and Emilio, but at least she was trying her hardest to deal with me and my craziness at a most inopportune time of her life.
“Say that again…” Audrey’s mouth gaped open.
“I don’t know why he’s telling me this crap. He saw me naked…you don’t want to know.” I grimaced at the thought but continued, “Look, I know I haven’t been the best sister ever and that things are kind of messed up right now on both our ends, but I need you with me when I go see what’s going on. Maybe I’ll find something so unfathomable about Emilio and Jonas, they’ll have to either leave us alone forever or…”
Audrey flicked an eye open to peer at me. “Or what?”
“Or something, maybe we can have a little leverage over them with. I don’t know. Whatever it is, we’ll have to deal with it either way.”
“Why am I not surprised? Sounds fun. Can we take a nap on the way? I’m exhausted.”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll listen to my music. Tap me if you need me.”
“Mm-hmm,” Audrey hummed back at me before she tucked her neck pillow into position and slipped an eye cover over her face. She was seriously going to sleep on the plane. I sighed, knowing full well I’d never be able to rest. Planes made me nervous, even though we’d been riding them a lot during tour. I wish I could sleep on the plane like she could.
I tucked my earbuds in and cranked up the music from my IPod. Shoving my own neck pillow against my back, I tried to close my eyes as the plane lurched forward. That did nothing for my nerves.
A tap on my shoulder had me pulling them off and groaning as the flight attendant motioned me to turn off my music. I gave her a tight smile before she moved on. I’d have to bear the brunt of the take off with nothing but my thoughts to torment me. Great.
I closed my eyes again and thought about the words Lorenzo told me. He knew Emilio better than anyone else. Why hadn’t I asked him more questions sooner? Why was I even going on this wild goose chase after days of no contact with Emilio? Obviously, he was done with whatever it was he was doing down in Mexico, so why hadn’t he called? I was sick to my stomach thinking of it all, and the gravity shift didn’t help much.
I eyed the puke bag sticking out of the back of the seat i
n front of me. Shaking my head, I yanked the shade down to the outside world. No way in hell would I do something as embarrassing as throwing up on a plane. Hell no. I could swallow it down. I’d done it already for weeks. The nausea was waning away now that I was almost four months along.
The moment the seatbelt sign flicked off, I shoved my earbuds back in and turned up the music. It helped ease some of my anxiety, and the plane leveling off was a definite plus. Audrey was practically snoring next to me.
Her break up with Saul concerned me. Where the hell was that guy, anyway? He couldn’t just walk out of the band…could he? I frowned at the thought and hoped not. Regardless, it was going to be tense recording in a few months if things had gone sour. I would hate to have to watch them hate on each other while trying to make beautiful music. It would be a mood killer for sure. If we couldn’t make it work, what would be the fate of The Fall of Sky?
And what of this baby I was carrying? It was definitely more pressing than anything else on my mind. I had to tell Emilio if he was at this address we’d be heading to. What would he say to the news? Nothing made sense to me, and nothing was for certain. Maybe I should’ve tried harder to get hold of him. But how? Jonas was the best option, obviously, but also the worst. Lorenzo would’ve been better, but since we’d been off tour, I’d seen about as much of him as I had Emilio, and he wasn’t talking.
I groaned softly. My troubles were giving me a headache, and all I wanted to do was relax and try to keep my breakfast in my stomach.
“Anything to drink?” the flight attendants with their massive cart were next to us now. I nudged Audrey a couple times as I nodded.
“Yeah, can I get a ginger ale please? Thanks. Audrey…what do you want to drink?” I shook her arm a bit more, and she hardly moved as she responded.
“A coke in the can,” she mumbled and turned away from me. I peered up to the attendants to make sure they’d heard her. They had, already busy filling cups of ice to hand them to us along with the cans of drinks. I popped both our tables down from their restraints and placed Audrey’s in front of her for when she woke up. She had to be exhausted to want to sleep through her fix of soda.
I popped the tab of my drink and dumped the contents onto the ice. It fizzed madly, and my mouth watered for a sip. It felt amazingly cold and settled well in my turbulent stomach.
“How long before we’re in L.A.?” I asked the attendant.
“Three more hours. Did you want a meal?”
“Oh no, thanks.” The last thing I needed was to add to the chaos in my belly. Audrey had grabbed breakfast at the airport before we boarded because she’d planned to sleep the whole way. I had eaten with her, but it was not working as well for me as it had Audrey. It sucked to be pregnant. I didn’t know what I’d been thinking continuing on with it.
Me, a mother? I couldn’t even take care of myself. This thought made my mood dip into depths that I’d been fighting to stay out of a lot lately. I hated when this happened and tried my best to shake it off. I had to stop the morbidity before it started; it was the only way I ever got through anything nowadays.
As the plane descended, I hoped I could get through the rest of this trip alive.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Audrey
Waiting for our luggage, I pulled out my cell phone to dial Saul. Staring at his number, I suddenly wanted to break down in the middle of the airport. But there was no time for falling apart, especially not here. Swallowing down my insecurity, I wondered if it was too soon to call him. Would he even answer if I did?
There was only one way to find out.
I hit dial and put the phone to my ear. The luggage carousel hadn’t even started turning so there was some time to kill. Liz had gone to the restroom while I waited here. Pacing the floor, I secretly wished he would answer and things would be okay.
The phone clicked and began to ring. When the third ring was about to end, I was close to hanging up, but that was when I heard its silence. A soft breathe filled my ear on the other end.
“Hello?” Saul’s voice made my chest squeeze as I tried to get the words out. I couldn’t. I choked on them.
“Audrey?”
“Saul…” I whispered. The tears were already there, soaking into my scarf. I turned into one of the pillars to hide my reddened face and drippy nose.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded, but knew he wouldn’t have been able to see me even if I’d been standing in front of him. How in the world could I tell him the answer to that? I was far from fine.
“Yeah,” I finally managed. “I’m in…in L.A. with Liz.”
“I see.” I listened hard for his breathing and clung to it with all my heart. I hated that the overhead announcer chose that moment to call out. Even the whir of the carousel made me want to scream for it to shut up. I wanted to relish his voice, his breath, anything that told me he was on the phone still.
“I’m still in New York. Figured I’d look up some schools for blind children and see if they had any openings or need for volunteers.”
“That’s good.” I closed my eyes, wiping my nose on my scarf. It was disgusting, but I didn’t see anything nearby with a tissue dispenser.
“Look, we need to talk more about…things. I’ve thought about things a lot. Hell, it’s all I can think about lately. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye.”
“Me too…I mean…I’m sorry too.” I could barely whisper my answers; my breath was still locked in my throat. A pregnant pause filled the air between us, and I felt like I might lose my mind if he didn’t say something more. Anything.
“Are you coming back to New York City?”
“Yeah, but I don’t know when. We’re going to check out something about Emilio that Liz is all tangled up in. I have no idea what it is, but she asked me to come. Maybe a day or so.”
“Yeah, okay. I’m glad you two are together. L.A. is a busy place, but it must be nice to be back in Cali. With all the shitty weather here and all.”
“Yeah, it’s sunny here.” Down to weather talk. How cliché.
I wanted to record his voice and listen to it over and over again. He sounded concerned, asking where we were and when we’d return. That had to be good, right?
“Okay, well…so I’ll see you soon then? Let me know when you’re back and we can talk some more.” Saul was back to business, his steady voice free of emotion. I wish mine were too, for I was about to break down in the middle of the baggage claim again. Just perfect.
“Alright.”
“Bye, Audrey.”
The line went dead before I could tell him goodbye, and I just held the phone for a while, not wanting to acknowledge that Saul was gone. I wanted him still, even on the line would be enough. To not have him close, his body, his warmth, was a killer. Any tiny piece of my love back would help me breathe again, instead of this feeling of just existing, just taking the steps like a robot caught in the routine.
“Hey, Sis, our bags are up. What are you doing?”
I pulled the phone from my ear and wiped an escaped tear that had smeared across the screen from it.
“That was Saul.” I stuffed the phone sadly into my purse. Letting out a long exhale, I gave her a sad smile.
Liz returned it before pulling me in for a tight hug.
“Everything okay with him?”
“Yeah, he says to let him know when we get back to talk some more.”
She leaned back, looking excited. “That’s good, right? See? He’ll come around. I know it. Come on, let’s get our stuff.”
God, I hoped she was right. Could we come back from the fall and get back on our feet, start where we left off again? If it was even possible, if there was just a tiny hiccup of a chance, I would take it. I’d do anything to get Saul’s love back. Life was a deep, dark, rank black hole without him.
I let her lead me to the carousel and took my bag from her fingertips as she reached out to grab our stuff. Three bags later, we were out on the taxi line, waiting our turn
for a cab. First, we headed to our storage to pull our station wagon out while we were here. I wanted to check our rental house too, which sat vacant since we’d been on tour so often, but was still furnished with our stuff. I hoped it hadn’t been robbed. Though we had a house sitter who kept it clean and checked on it every now and then, I still worried that it would be trashed.
I couldn’t wait to go home first. That’s what it was. Home.
Chapter Fifty-Three
Liv
I opened the door to find not the person I was praying and hoping for, but someone who could possible get me to him. Maybe.
“Lonzo?”
“Don’t look so surprised, Miss Westing.” He tilted his head forward, lowering his shades to expose a pair of twinkling brown eyes. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure.” I motioned for him to enter. I was still grumpy from a nap. I hated travelling. It was exhausting and sucked the life out of me.
He entered the cool interior of our rental house and peered around our digs. I wasn’t going to the address he’d given me until later that evening when traffic wasn’t so crazy on that side of town. He knew where I was headed, so why was he at my doorstep?
“What are you doing here?”
“You’re still under the protection of the security detail of Jonas Esperanza until your new contract starts in eight months, much to his disdain.”
“What? I thought the contracts were already signed and we were through with Jonas.”
Lonzo’s jaw tightened, looking like this was a touchy subject. “Yeah, in about eight months. Noble Records is starting work on what you’ve recorded already right now, but have scheduled you to come in for revisions and new music in eight months. They wanted to keep it as smooth as possible and requested that security continue to be handled by Jonas until they can free up one of their top teams for you guys.” He tilted his head, narrowing his eyes at me. “It’ll take a few months. Did you even read the contract?”