gone." "No, indeed," says he, "Ishall not be gone; you gave me leave before to come to bed, and youshan't say 'Get you gone' now." So he comes into my room, and thenturns about and fastens the door, and immediately comes to the bedsideto me. I pretended to scold and struggle, and bid him begone with morewarmth than before; but it was all one; he had not a rag of clothes onbut his gown and slippers and shirt, so he throws off his gown, andthrows open the bed, and came in at once.
I made a seeming resistance, but it was no more indeed; for, as above, Iresolved from the beginning he should lie with me if he would, and, forthe rest, I left it to come after.
Well, he lay with me that night, and the two next, and very merry wewere all the three days between; but the third night he began to be alittle more grave. "Now, my dear," says he, "though I have pushed thismatter farther than ever I intended, or than I believe you expected fromme, who never made any pretences to you but what were very honest, yetto heal it all up, and let you see how sincerely I meant at first, andhow honest I will ever be to you, I am ready to marry you still, anddesire you to let it be done to-morrow morning; and I will give you thesame fair conditions of marriage as I would have done before."
This, it must be owned, was a testimony that he was very honest, andthat he loved me sincerely; but I construed it quite another way,namely, that he aimed at the money. But how surprised did he look, andhow was he confounded, when he found me receive his proposal withcoldness and indifference, and still tell him that it was the only thingI could not grant!
He was astonished. "What! not take me now," says he, "when I have beenabed with you!" I answered coldly, though respectfully still, "It istrue, to my shame be it spoken," says I, "that you have taken me bysurprise, and have had your will of me; but I hope you will not take itill that I cannot consent to marry for all that. If I am with child,"said I, "care must be taken to manage that as you shall direct; I hopeyou won't expose me for my having exposed myself to you, but I cannot goany farther." And at that point I stood, and would hear of no matrimonyby any means.
Now, because this may seem a little odd, I shall state the matterclearly, as I understood it myself. I knew that, while I was a mistress,it is customary for the person kept to receive from them that keep; butif I should be a wife, all I had then was given up to the husband, and Iwas henceforth to be under his authority only; and as I had moneyenough, and needed not fear being what they call a cast-off mistress, soI had no need to give him twenty thousand pounds to marry me, which hadbeen buying my lodging too dear a great deal.
Thus his project of coming to bed to me was a bite upon himself, whilehe intended it for a bite upon me; and he was no nearer his aim ofmarrying me than he was before. All his arguments he could urge upon thesubject of matrimony were at an end, for I positively declined marryinghim; and as he had refused the thousand pistoles which I had offered himin compensation for his expenses and loss at Paris with the Jew, and haddone it upon the hopes he had of marrying me, so when he found his waydifficult still, he was amazed, and, I had some reason to believe,repented that he had refused the money.
But thus it is when men run into wicked measures to bring their designsabout. I, that was infinitely obliged to him before, began to talk tohim as if I had balanced accounts with him now, and that the favour oflying with a whore was equal, not to the thousand pistoles only, but toall the debt I owed him for saving my life and all my effects.
But he drew himself into it, and though it was a dear bargain, yet itwas a bargain of his own making; he could not say I had tricked him intoit. But as he projected and drew me in to lie with him, depending thatwas a sure game in order to a marriage, so I granted him the favour, ashe called it, to balance the account of favours received from him, andkeep the thousand pistoles with a good grace.
He was extremely disappointed in this article, and knew not how tomanage for a great while; and as I dare say, if he had not expected tohave made it an earnest for marrying me, he would not have attempted methe other way, so, I believed, if it had not been for the money which heknew I had, he would never have desired to marry me after he had lainwith me. For where is the man that cares to marry a whore, though of hisown making? And as I knew him to be no fool, so I did him no wrong whenI supposed that, but for the money, he would not have had any thoughtsof me that way, especially after my yielding as I had done; in which itis to be remembered that I made no capitulation for marrying him when Iyielded to him, but let him do just what he pleased, without anyprevious bargain.
Well, hitherto we went upon guesses at one another's designs; but as hecontinued to importune me to marry, though he had lain with me, andstill did lie with me as often as he pleased, and I continued to refuseto marry him, though I let him lie with me whenever he desired it; Isay, as these two circumstances made up our conversation, it could notcontinue long thus, but we must come to an explanation.
One morning, in the middle of our unlawful freedoms--that is to say,when we were in bed together--he sighed, and told me he desired myleave to ask me one question, and that I would give him an answer to itwith the same ingenious freedom and honesty that I had used to treat himwith. I told him I would. Why, then, his question was, why I would notmarry him, seeing I allowed him all the freedom of a husband. "Or," sayshe, "my dear, since you have been so kind as to take me to your bed, whywill you not make me your own, and take me for good and all, that we mayenjoy ourselves without any reproach to one another?"
I told him, that as I confessed it was the only thing I could not complywith him in, so it was the only thing in all my actions that I could notgive him a reason for; that it was true I had let him come to bed to me,which was supposed to be the greatest favour a woman could grant; but itwas evident, and he might see it, that, as I was sensible of theobligation I was under to him for saving me from the worst circumstanceit was possible for me to be brought to, I could deny him nothing; andif I had had any greater favour to yield him, I should have done it,that of matrimony only excepted, and he could not but see that I lovedhim to an extraordinary degree, in every part of my behaviour to him;but that as to marrying, which was giving up my liberty, it was whatonce he knew I had done, and he had seen how it had hurried me up anddown in the world, and what it had exposed me to; that I had an aversionto it, and desired he would not insist upon it. He might easily see Ihad no aversion to him; and that, if I was with child by him, he shouldsee a testimony of my kindness to the father, for that I would settleall I had in the world upon the child.
He was mute a good while. At last says he, "Come, my dear, you are thefirst woman in the world that ever lay with a man and then refused tomarry him, and therefore there must be some other reason for yourrefusal; and I have therefore one other request, and that is, if I guessat the true reason, and remove the objection, will you then yield tome?" I told him if he removed the objection I must needs comply, for Ishould certainly do everything that I had no objection against.
"Why then, my dear, it must be that either you are already engaged ormarried to some other man, or you are not willing to dispose of yourmoney to me, and expect to advance yourself higher with your fortune.Now, if it be the first of these, my mouth will be stopped, and I haveno more to say; but if it be the last, I am prepared effectually toremove the objection, and answer all you can say on that subject."
I took him up short at the first of these, telling him he must have basethoughts of me indeed, to think that I could yield to him in such amanner as I had done, and continue it with so much freedom as he found Idid, if I had a husband or were engaged to any other man; and that hemight depend upon it that was not my case, nor any part of my case.
"Why then," said he, "as to the other, I have an offer to make to youthat shall take off all the objection, viz., that I will not touch onepistole of your estate more than shall be with your own voluntaryconsent, neither now or at any other time, but you shall settle it asyou please for your life, and upon who you please after your death;"that I should see he was able to maintain me without it, and that it
wasnot for that that he followed me from Paris.
I was indeed surprised at that part of his offer, and he might easilyperceive it; it was not only what I did not expect, but it was what Iknew not what answer to make to. He had, indeed, removed my principalobjection--nay, all my objections, and it was not possible for me togive any answer; for, if upon so generous an offer I should agree withhim, I then did as good as confess that it was upon the account of mymoney that I refused him; and that though I could give up my virtue andexpose myself, yet I would not give up my money, which, though it wastrue, yet was really too gross for me to acknowledge, and I could notpretend to marry him upon that principle neither. Then as to havinghim, and make over all my estate out of his hands, so as not to give himthe management of what I had, I thought it would be not only a littleGothic and inhuman, but