indeed,notwithstanding his money, it had lasted so long that I was much moresick of his lordship than he could be of me. He grew old and fretful,and captious, and I must add, which made the vice itself begin to growsurfeiting and nauseous to me, he grew worse and wickeder the older hegrew, and that to such degree as is not fit to write of, and made me soweary of him that upon one of his capricious humours, which he oftentook occasion to trouble me with, I took occasion to be much lesscomplaisant to him than I used to be; and as I knew him to be hasty, Ifirst took care to put him into a little passion, and then to resent it,and this brought us to words, in which I told him I thought he grew sickof me; and he answered in a heat that truly so he was. I answered that Ifound his lordship was endeavouring to make me sick too; that I had metwith several such rubs from him of late, and that he did not use me ashe used to do, and I begged his lordship he would make himself easy.This I spoke with an air of coldness and indifference such as I knew hecould not bear; but I did not downright quarrel with him and tell him Iwas sick of him too, and desire him to quit me, for I knew that wouldcome of itself; besides, I had received a great deal of handsome usagefrom him, and I was loth to have the breach be on my side, that he mightnot be able to say I was ungrateful.
THE AMOUR DRAWS TO AN END
_I told him I thought he grew sick of me; and he answered in a heat thattruly so he was_]
But he put the occasion into my hands, for he came no more to me for twomonths; indeed I expected a fit of absence, for such I had had severaltimes before, but not for above a fortnight or three weeks at most;but after I had stayed a month, which was longer than ever he kept awayyet, I took a new method with him, for I was resolved now it should bein my power to continue or not, as I thought fit. At the end of a month,therefore, I removed, and took lodgings at Kensington Gravel Pits, atthat part next to the road to Acton, and left nobody in my lodgings butAmy and a footman, with proper instructions how to behave when hislordship, being come to himself, should think fit to come again, which Iknew he would.
About the end of two months, he came in the dusk of the evening asusual. The footman answered him, and told him his lady was not at home,but there was Mrs. Amy above; so he did not order her to be called down,but went upstairs into the dining-room, and Mrs. Amy came to him. Heasked where I was. "My lord," said she, "my mistress has been removed agood while from hence, and lives at Kensington." "Ah, Mrs. Amy! how cameyou to be here, then?" "My lord," said she, "we are here till thequarter-day, because the goods are not removed, and to give answers ifany comes to ask for my lady." "Well, and what answer are you to give tome?" "Indeed, my lord," says Amy, "I have no particular answer to yourlordship, but to tell you and everybody else where my lady lives, thatthey may not think she's run away." "No, Mrs. Amy," says he, "I don'tthink she's run away; but, indeed, I can't go after her so far asthat." Amy said nothing to that, but made a courtesy, and said shebelieved I would be there again for a week or two in a little time. "Howlittle time, Mrs Amy?" says my lord. "She comes next Tuesday," says Amy."Very well," says my lord; "I'll call and see her then;" and so he wentaway.
Accordingly I came on the Tuesday, and stayed a fortnight, but he camenot; so I went back to Kensington, and after that I had very few of hislordship's visits, which I was very glad of, and in a little time afterwas more glad of it than I was at first, and upon a far better accounttoo.
For now I began not to be sick of his lordship only, but really I beganto be sick of the vice; and as I had good leisure now to divert andenjoy myself in the world as much as it was possible for any woman to dothat ever lived in it, so I found that my judgment began to prevail uponme to fix my delight upon nobler objects than I had formerly done, andthe very beginning of this brought some just reflections upon merelating to things past, and to the former manner of my living; andthough there was not the least hint in all this from what may be calledreligion or conscience, and far from anything of repentance, or anythingthat was akin to it, especially at first, yet the sense of things, andthe knowledge I had of the world, and the vast variety of scenes that Ihad acted my part in, began to work upon my senses, and it came so verystrong upon my mind one morning when I had been lying awake some timein my bed, as if somebody had asked me the question, What was I a whorefor now? It occurred naturally upon this inquiry, that at first Iyielded to the importunity of my circumstances, the misery of which thedevil dismally aggravated, to draw me to comply; for I confess I hadstrong natural aversions to the crime at first, partly owing to avirtuous education, and partly to a sense of religion; but the devil,and that greater devil of poverty, prevailed; and the person who laidsiege to me did it in such an obliging, and I may almost sayirresistible, manner, all still managed by the evil spirit; for I mustbe allowed to believe that he has a share in all such things, if not thewhole management of them. But, I say, it was carried on by that personin such an irresistible manner that, as I said when I related the fact,there was no withstanding it; these circumstances, I say, the devilmanaged not only to bring me to comply, but he continued them asarguments to fortify my mind against all reflection, and to keep me inthat horrid course I had engaged in, as if it were honest and lawful.
But not to dwell upon that now; this was a pretence, and here wassomething to be said, though I acknowledge it ought not to have beensufficient to me at all; but, I say, to leave that, all this was out ofdoors; the devil himself could not form one argument, or put one reasoninto my head now, that could serve for an answer--no, not so much as apretended answer to this question, why I should be a whore now.
It had for a while been a little kind of excuse to me that I was engagedwith this wicked old lord, and that I could not in honour forsake him;but how foolish and absurd did it look to repeat the word "honour" on sovile an occasion! as if a woman should prostitute her honour in point ofhonour--horrid inconsistency! Honour called upon me to detest the crimeand the man too, and to have resisted all the attacks which, from thebeginning, had been made upon my virtue; and honour, had it beenconsulted, would have preserved me honest from the beginning:
"For 'honesty' and 'honour' are the same."
This, however, shows us with what faint excuses and with what trifles wepretend to satisfy ourselves, and suppress the attempts of conscience,in the pursuit of agreeable crime, and in the possessing those pleasureswhich we are loth to part with.
But this objection would now serve no longer, for my lord had in somesort broke his engagements (I won't call it honour again) with me, andhad so far slighted me as fairly to justify my entire quitting of himnow; and so, as the objection was fully answered, the question remainedstill unanswered, Why am I a whore now? Nor indeed had I anything to sayfor myself, even to myself; I could not without blushing, as wicked as Iwas, answer that I loved it for the sake of the vice, and that Idelighted in being a whore, as such; I say, I could not say this, evento myself, and all alone, nor indeed would it have been true. I wasnever able, in justice and with truth, to say I was so wicked as that;but as necessity first debauched me, and poverty made me a whore at thebeginning, so excess of avarice for getting money and excess of vanitycontinued me in the crime, not being able to resist the flatteries ofgreat persons; being called the finest woman in France; being caressedby a prince; and afterwards, I had pride enough to expect and follyenough to believe, though indeed without ground, by a great monarch.These were my baits, these the chains by which the devil held me bound,and by which I was indeed too fast held for any reasoning that I wasthen mistress of to deliver me from.
But this was all over now; avarice could have no pretence. I was out ofthe reach of all that fate could be supposed to do to reduce me; now Iwas so far from poor, or the danger of it, that I had L50,000 in mypocket at least; nay, I had the income of L50,000, for I had L2500 ayear coming in upon very good land security, besides three or fourthousand pounds in money, which I kept by me for ordinary occasions,and, besides, jewels, and plate, and goods which were worth near L5600more; these put together, when I ruminated on it all in my thoughts, asy
ou may be sure I did often, added weight still to the question, asabove, and it sounded continually in my head, "What next? What am I awhore for now?"
It is true this was, as I say, seldom out of my thoughts, but yet itmade no impressions upon me of that kind which might be expected from areflection of so important a nature, and which had so much of substanceand seriousness in it.
But, however, it was not without some little consequences, even at thattime, and which gave a little turn to my way of living at first, as youshall hear in its place.
But one particular thing intervened besides this which gave me someuneasiness at this time, and made way for other things that followed. Ihave mentioned in several little digressions the concern I had upon mefor my children, and in what manner I had