directed that affair; I mustgo on a little with that part, in order to bring the subsequent parts ofmy story together.
My boy, the only son I had left that I had a legal right to call "son,"was, as I have said, rescued from the unhappy circumstances of beingapprentice to a mechanic, and was brought up upon a new foot; but thoughthis was infinitely to his advantage, yet it put him back near threeyears in his coming into this world; for he had been near a year at thedrudgery he was first put to, and it took up two years more to form himfor what he had hopes given him he should hereafter be, so that he wasfull nineteen years old, or rather twenty years, before he came to beput out as I intended; at the end of which time I put him to a veryflourishing Italian merchant, and he again sent him to Messina, in theisland of Sicily; and a little before the juncture I am now speaking ofI had letters from him--that is to say, Mrs. Amy had letters from him,intimating that he was out of his time, and that he had an opportunityto be taken into an English house there, on very good terms, if hissupport from hence might answer what he was bid to hope for; and sobegged that what would be done for him might be so ordered that he mighthave it for his present advancement, referring for the particulars tohis master, the merchant in London, who he had been put apprentice tohere; who, to cut the story short, gave such a satisfactory account ofit, and of my young man, to my steady and faithful counsellor, SirRobert Clayton, that I made no scruple to pay L4000, which was L1000more than he demanded, or rather proposed, that he might haveencouragement to enter into the world better than he expected.
His master remitted the money very faithfully to him; and finding, bySir Robert Clayton, that the young gentleman--for so he called him--waswell supported, wrote such letters on his account as gave him a creditat Messina equal in value to the money itself.
I could not digest it very well that I should all this while concealmyself thus from my own child, and make all this favour due, in hisopinion, to a stranger; and yet I could not find in my heart to let myson know what a mother he had, and what a life she lived; when, at thesame time that he must think himself infinitely obliged to me, he mustbe obliged, if he was a man of virtue, to hate his mother, and abhor theway of living by which all the bounty he enjoyed was raised.
This is the reason of mentioning this part of my son's story, which isotherwise no ways concerned in my history, but as it put me uponthinking how to put an end to that wicked course I was in, that my ownchild, when he should afterwards come to England in a good figure, andwith the appearance of a merchant, should not be ashamed to own me.
But there was another difficulty, which lay heavier upon me a greatdeal, and that was my daughter, who, as before, I had relieved by thehands of another instrument, which Amy had procured. The girl, as I havementioned, was directed to put herself into a good garb, take lodgings,and entertain a maid to wait upon her, and to give herself somebreeding--that is to say, to learn to dance, and fit herself to appearas a gentlewoman; being made to hope that she should, some time orother, find that she should be put into a condition to support hercharacter, and to make herself amends for all her former troubles. Shewas only charged not to be drawn into matrimony till she was secured ofa fortune that might assist to dispose of herself suitable not to whatshe then was, but what she was to be.
The girl was too sensible of her circumstances not to give all possiblesatisfaction of that kind, and indeed she was mistress of too muchunderstanding not to see how much she should be obliged to that part forher own interest.
It was not long after this, but being well equipped, and in everythingwell set out, as she was directed, she came, as I have related above,and paid a visit to Mrs. Amy, and to tell her of her good fortune. Amypretended to be much surprised at the alteration, and overjoyed for hersake, and began to treat her very well, entertained her handsomely, andwhen she would have gone away, pretended to ask my leave, and sent mycoach home with her; and, in short, learning from her where she lodged,which was in the city, Amy promised to return her visit, and did so;and, in a word, Amy and Susan (for she was my own name) began anintimate acquaintance together.
There was an inexpressible difficulty in the poor girl's way, or else Ishould not have been able to have forborne discovering myself to her,and this was, her having been a servant in my particular family; and Icould by no means think of ever letting the children know what a kind ofcreature they owed their being to, or giving them an occasion to upbraidtheir mother with her scandalous life, much less to justify the likepractice from my example.
Thus it was with me; and thus, no doubt, considering parents always findit that their own children are a restraint to them in their worstcourses, when the sense of a superior power has not the same influence.But of that hereafter.
There happened, however, one good circumstance in the case of this poorgirl, which brought about a discovery sooner than otherwise it wouldhave been, and it was thus. After she and Amy had been intimate for sometime, and had exchanged several visits, the girl, now grown a woman,talking to Amy of the gay things that used to fall out when she wasservant in my family, spoke of it with a kind of concern that she couldnot see (me) her lady; and at last she adds, "'Twas very strange,madam," says she to Amy, "but though I lived near two years in thehouse, I never saw my mistress in my life, except it was that publicnight when she danced in the fine Turkish habit, and then she was sodisguised that I knew nothing of her afterwards."
Amy was glad to hear this, but as she was a cunning girl from thebeginning, she was not to be bit, and so she laid no stress upon that atfirst, but gave me an account of it; and I must confess it gave me asecret joy to think that I was not known to her, and that, by virtue ofthat only accident, I might, when other circumstances made room for it,discover myself to her, and let her know she had a mother in a conditionfit to be owned.
It was a dreadful restraint to me before, and this gave me some very sadreflections, and made way for the great question I have mentioned above;and by how much the circumstance was bitter to me, by so much the moreagreeable it was to understand that the girl had never seen me, andconsequently did not know me again if she was to be told who I was.
However, the next time she came to visit Amy, I was resolved to put itto a trial, and to come into the room and let her see me, and to see bythat whether she knew me or not; but Amy put me by, lest indeed, asthere was reason enough to question, I should not be able to contain orforbear discovering myself to her; so it went off for that time.
But both these circumstances, and that is the reason of mentioning them,brought me to consider of the life I lived, and to resolve to put myselfinto some figure of life in which I might not be scandalous to my ownfamily, and be afraid to make myself known to my own children, who weremy own flesh and blood.
There was another daughter I had, which, with all our inquiries, wecould not hear of, high nor low, for several years after the first. ButI return to my own story.
Being now in part removed from my old station, I seemed to be in a fairway of retiring from my old acquaintances, and consequently from thevile, abominable trade I had driven so long; so that the door seemed tobe, as it were, particularly open to my reformation, if I had any mindto it in earnest; but, for all that, some of my old friends, as I hadused to call them, inquired me out, and came to visit me at Kensington,and that more frequently than I wished they would do; but it being onceknown where I was, there was no avoiding it, unless I would havedownright refused and affronted them; and I was not yet in earnestenough with my resolutions to go that length.
The best of it was, my old lewd favourite, who I now heartily hated,entirely dropped me. He came once to visit me, but I caused Amy to denyme, and say I was gone out. She did it so oddly, too, that when hislordship went away, he said coldly to her, "Well, well, Mrs. Amy, I findyour mistress does not desire to be seen; tell her I won't trouble herany more," repeating the words "any more" two or three times over, justat his going away.
I reflected a little on it at first as unkind to him, having had so manyconsiderable pre
sents from him, but, as I have said, I was sick of him,and that on some accounts which, if I could suffer myself to publishthem, would fully justify my conduct. But that part of the story willnot bear telling, so I must leave it, and proceed.
I had begun a little, as I have said above, to reflect upon my manner ofliving, and to think of putting a new face upon it, and nothing moved meto it more than the consideration of my having three children, who werenow grown up; and yet that while I was in that station of life I couldnot converse with them or make myself known to them; and this gave me agreat deal of uneasiness. At last I entered into talk on this part of itwith my woman Amy.
We lived at Kensington, as I have said, and though I had done with myold wicked l----, as above, yet I was frequently visited, as I said, bysome others; so that, in a word, I began to be known in the town, not byname only, but by my character too, which was worse.
It was one morning when Amy was in bed with