Chapter 11
"Mother?"
She was dreaming of a hammock on a beach. She'd never swung from a hammock on the beach before but her dream self seemed to be very familiar with it. There was deep blue water and warm white sand and some kind of drink in a coconut.
"Mother," came the voice again, accompanied by a shake of her shoulder.
Her hammock disappeared. The deep blue water evaporated. The yummy drink in the coconut faded to be replaced with a bleary view of cheap wood paneling and Eve's face. Mother blinked once, twice, then bolted up. "Coraline?" She blinked several times, trying to get a grip on her surroundings. She was in her own bed. How did she get there? She threw the covers back and found she was in just a tee shirt, and her frown deepened. "What the hell?"
Eve looked decidedly uncomfortable as she held out a cup of coffee. "I've got some clothes for you over here."
Mother shook her head. It was throbbing. "Eve, start talking."
"I've got this," said Wolf, entering the room.
"It was his idea," Eve blurted out, then ran from the room.
Mother jumped up, then fell back down to the bed on weak legs.
"Drink your coffee," Wolf commanded.
Mother took a sip of the lukewarm brew, trying to figure things out. The last thing she remembered was sitting by Coraline's bed around dinnertime. "What time is it?"
"About nine."
She slept for three hours? She put the coffee down and quickly reached for the pants and clean shirt Eve left on the bedside table. "Shit. Any change?"
"Calm down. Coraline's fine. Take a deep breath and wake up for a minute."
"I have to get up there." She yanked the pants on and lay back on the bed to zip them up.
"Coraline's fine. Nothing is going to change in five minutes."
Mother sat up and ran a hand through her hair, then down her face to wipe the sleep away. God she felt groggy. She took another long sip of her coffee and tried to think. She didn't remember coming downstairs. She didn't remember getting into bed. Was she really so much of a zombie that she didn't remember leaving Coraline's side? "God my head hurts."
Wolf knew he had to fess up. She'd be pissed. He went into her bathroom and got her the bottle of aspirin. He shook out a couple and brought them to her.
"Oh my god thank you," she said in a rush of gratitude, tossing them back.
He had to fess up, and she'd be ripped. Fine. Let her. She'd get over it. He'd do it again if he had to. He got her some clean socks from her dresser and grabbed the boots he'd placed under her bed the night before.
"You're Mr. Helpful tonight," she said as she pulled on the socks. Then the coffee kicked in, her mind cleared and she frowned. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at Wolf. He wouldn't look her in the eye and he was going out of his way to be helpful and pleasant. "What did you do?"
Wolf almost smiled. Smart girl. "You needed sleep."
Mother's eyes went from suspicion to shock as she remembered the coffee he brought her in Coraline's room. For days he had been refusing her the brew, telling her she needed sleep, not more caffeine. And then he brought her manna, and everything was a blur after that. "You...drugged me?"
There was nothing to do but admit it. "Yup."
She jumped up and looked around for something to throw, something to hit him with. "I can't believe you'd do something like that!"
Oh no, she would not turn this around. Mother had sat by that woman's side for four solid days, barely eating, only catching a nap here or there. She was killing herself, and Wolf refused to sit back and let that happen. "And I can't believe I had to!" he bellowed in return.
Mother felt the rage and the desperation and the panic, all rolled into one. She tugged the other sock on, then shoved her feet in her boots. "What if she died, huh?"
"What if?"
His words stopped her. "Wolf!"
"I'm not here for her. My job is to keep you safe. That's what I did and I won't apologize." Even if he did kind of feel like a bastard for it.
Mother opened her mouth, then snapped it shut. What could she say? She trusted him. She thought he knew how important Coraline had become, how desperate she was to be there to do everything she could. "You're a real shit sometimes, you know that?"
"Yup."
Mother scoffed and pushed her way out the door, then stopped when she saw the thin light streaming in from the windows. "Nine a.m.? I've been asleep all fucking night?" When Wolf shrugged, she raced up the stairs and ran to Coraline's room.
"Mother," said Coraline weakly as soon as the door burst open, and Mother felt her knees buckle, the relief washing over her in a warm wave. She gave a strangled sob and dropped to the seat next to Coraline.
"Holy shit you're awake."
The woman gave a wan smile. "That doesn't instill confidence coming from my doctor."
Coraline was weak. Now that she was awake, Mother could see just how pale her face really was. It was gray, and her eyes had deep, purple canyons under them. The bright red of the lid rims just highlighted how far Coraline had to go to before she was fully recovered, how tenuous her hold on life still was. Mother had to shake herself. Coraline was awake. The rest could be dealt with later. "I am so, so sorry."
Coraline shook her head. "It was an accident."
Mother swallowed hard, feeling the guilt of all the bad things she'd said, all the awful, mean thoughts she had about the woman. "I should have had a better system and made rules to keep you..."
"Stop," Coraline said softly. "It was an accident. I don't blame you." She swallowed and her eyes drooped.
Mother sat forward on her chair. "You need more rest."
"I got what I deserved," Coraline said, almost too quietly for Mother to hear.
"Don't say that," Mother said firmly. "No one deserves this."
But Coraline shocked her by smiling again. "You don't understand. I'm good now. I paid." Her eyes closed and she was quiet so long that Mother felt for a pulse. It was there, and Mother sighed in relief.
She thought about Coraline's words as she changed the wet diaper. It had been two days since there was anything of substance to clean, and Mother knew they had to start getting food and water into Coraline. She changed the bandage. It was ghastly, and some of the places they'd seared with the iron blistered. She spread salve over the stump as carefully as possible and wrapped it back up, placing the soiled bandages in a plastic bag for disposal. She covered the sleeping woman and couldn't help the smile. She had actually woken up. The scream that was never far from the surface calmed within, and after Mother checked Eve's carefully recorded timetable for Coraline's medication, she felt her stomach rumble with actual hunger.
Mother called for Striker, gave him instructions for sitting with Coraline, then went to the kitchen to get something to eat. She was hungry for the first time in...how long? It felt as if Coraline's waking had brought Mother out of some sort of coma as well, and she pulled a pot of leftover stew from the refrigerator. She dished up a bowlful and stood eating it cold, leaning against the counter.
"After you eat we've got some trouble brewing," Wolf said as he walked past her to get more coffee.
Mother put a bite of the cold stew in her mouth, not caring a bit what it tasted like, just needing the nutrients. She chewed slowly and looked at Wolf. He was proud of himself. He was actually proud of his little plan. She took another bite.
"You hear me?" he said, turning around.
"Yup," she replied dryly.
Wolf sighed. "Okay, let me have it. Get it out and you'll feel better and we can move on."
Mother pointed the dirty spoon in his direction. "You don't call the shots here."
Wolf shook his head. "Sure don't."
"You had no right."
On some level, he could concede. On some level, he felt he crossed a line. Wolf hadn't planned on explaining his actions to her, and probably wouldn't have if she'd come at him with both barrels blazing like he expected. However, she wasn'
t just mad, she was furious. Her eyes weren't angry, they were cold and calculating. "I did what I thought was best."
Mother snorted. "And took me from the town for how long? Jesus, Wolf! What if something had happened? What if they needed me?"
The muscle in Wolf's jaw twitched. "Yeah, because you were really there for them for the past four god damned days, weren't you?" He drained his coffee in one swig to give himself a few seconds to cool down. He was in the wrong, and he knew it. But, she was, too. He wiped his mouth and put the cup in the sink while Mother stared at him. "Look. I get how horrible that was," he said quietly. "I was there."
"And I did the cutting."
Wolf threw his hands in the air. "And it's your town! That's your job."
"I know!" Mother bellowed. "Good god don't you think I know that? And don't you think I know I failed them?" She shook her head and tossed the styrofoam bowl and plastic spoon in the trash bag. "I get it, Wolf. I get it." She pointed toward the hall. "I caused that. And I had to fix it. Don't you understand?"
Wolf couldn't tell her she was wrong, and that's not what Mother needed anyway. Though once again he wished he could be the friend, that wouldn't do any of them any good. "Yes, you did. And you won't do it again."
Mother liked the fact that Wolf was a straight shooter. Eve had been telling her for days it wasn't her fault and the platitudes and excuses grated on her last nerve. Of course it was her fault. It was all her fault. She sat at the top, she made the rules. Ultimately everything but the weather was her fault. Mother knew they were working with dangerous equipment and should have seen the need for more formal safety rules. There was no way Coraline should have been allowed to stand that close to the hole with the rock. Hell, there was no way Mother herself should have been there, for that matter. "No, it won't happen again."
"Good. And you also can't spend all your time with one person while the others flounder."
Mother's jaw clenched. It was true and she couldn't deny it. "It worked," she said for her lone defense.
That it did. Wolf was stunned when Eve called him up earlier to see that Coraline was actually awake. The woman lived through Mother's sheer will. He honestly believed that the only reason Coraline was alive was because Mother poured every ounce of her being into forbidding the patient to die. It would work for Mother. People would look back on the incident with awe. They would start to revere her, and that's exactly what she needed. But, that would be later. He wasn't kidding when he told her there was trouble brewing, trouble only she could deal with and nip in the bud. "There's trouble brewing," he said again.
"I haven't even begun to yell at you."
"I know."
"It's going to be a long time before I can trust you again."
Wolf knew he deserved it, no matter how much the words stung. "I did what you needed. You were a walking zombie who refused to listen to reason and you know it."
Mother scoffed. "You didn't even try, Wolf. You didn't even try to reason with me."
Wolf threw his hands in the air. There was no way to argue with someone when they didn't have a clear memory of the last four days. "Be mad. In your shoes I'd have probably pulled a gun and fired by now. You needed rest, and you were too damn stubborn to admit that, no matter what you're telling yourself right now."
They stood and stared at each other for long minutes. Mother was still furious, but she was also truthful enough to admit to herself that Wolf had a point. She didn't remember eating. She knew she didn't sleep. Eve had told her something about backlash from Fred, and she had ignored anything that did not have to do with Coraline. She didn't remember showering or leaving the room for more than a quick bathroom break.
So Wolf did have a point. But, she had one, too. With one action, he had stripped all of her power. He took away her ability to make the decisions for herself, and he didn't seem to understand just what that meant. She was out for fifteen hours. She was utterly useless for fifteen hours. Worlds could crumble in less time! It would take her a long time to forgive, and she'd never forget.
"If you ever do anything like that again, you're out."
Mother meant it. Wolf could see the deep sincerity in her eyes. She actually meant it. He couldn't help but be proud on some weird, twisted level. "Don't make me have to," he said simply.
"It wasn't my idea," said Eve, coming in with a stack of notebooks. She had waited in the den until she heard their voices become calm and felt the storm had blown over. One look at Mother was all it took for Eve to know that the storm had only reached the eye. There would be a round two for sure. Good, Eve thought. Wolf deserved it. If anyone ever tipped something into her drink, she'd beat the shit out of them. Twice! "I told him you'd be pissed."
"I've got this, Eve," Mother said simply.
Eve clamped her lips shut and sat at the table, arranging notebooks. She'd just leave that one alone. "Okay, then," she said when she was all set up. "I've got Gus coming up. Since you decided to join the land of the living, we've got some issues we need to address."
"I told you there was trouble brewing," said Wolf.
Mother sat and listened as Eve spelled out all the problems in the town that had accumulated in four days. Gus came in at some point with his own list of problems, observations, and assessments. After a good hour, Mother rose to get some more aspirin. Her head was throbbing again. There was a broken pipe in one house. A fist fight broke out the night before at the community meal. Though the fields were mostly tilled, progress had been halted because of another mass of rocks that Gus believed was the old dumping ground, and should they shift that particular field? The people were getting sick of stew and wanted to see if there was good fishing in the lake, and their gas supply was getting dangerously low. The crackers the night before were stale, and two women were claiming they had food poisoning. Her head pounded with all the problems of the day.
"How can so much go wrong in only four days?"
Eve frowned. "It's no more than usual."
Mother opened her mouth to object, then closed it slowly. Eve was right. When she thought about it, the list only felt long because she was dealing with four days' worth at once. She frowned and downed her aspirin, grudgingly seeing more of Wolf's point. He gave her a look, too. Just a small quirk of his eyebrow from his perch on top of the counter. That one little look spoke volumes and she sent a glare his way.
"You do a lot more than you think," Eve continued.
Together they all worked out a plan to handle the issues, and formed the days' work schedule around the problems. Then they tackled the biggest one. People were shaken by Coraline's accident, and the deal with Fred frayed the raw nerves further. With Mother's silence and the worry for Coraline hanging over them for days, they began to question not only Mother, but the town itself.
"Some even talked about setting off for another Walmart," Gus said.
Oh hell. Mother had to fix it, and fix it fast. "It's just starting to work," she said to the group as she bit her bottom lip. "Don't they get that?"
"They're shaken up and scared," Gus explained. "Pardon me for sounding cheeky, but they need their mum right now." He raised one white, bushy eyebrow and she got the message loud and clear.
Mother glanced at the clock. "It's almost eleven and we're just getting work orders."
"I set them to cleaning up from winter," Eve said. "We had some branches down and stuff."
Mother tapped her fingers on the table. Everyone knew by then to keep quiet, that she was thinking. After a minute, she nodded to herself. "How far are we from being done the fields?"
Gus shrugged. "Depends on how much field you want cleared. We've got a shit ton done."
"We've got to do as much as possible. We don't want to say shoulda coulda in the middle of February when we're running short on food."
"We'll always say shoulda coulda," Gus pointed out.
It was a fair point. "Do you think we have enough room to plant?"
"I think we have as much as we can handle,"
he said pragmatically. "Remember, whatever we plow now with machines, we have to keep up with our hands and backs."
Mother decided he was right. "Okay. Then this is what we do. Today we get these jobs done and secure the equipment. Let's clean up from the tilling, get everything under tarps or something. We'll send the group up towards Jackson with the bus full of gas cans, and then another team will scout the lake."
"Can I scout the lake? I love fishing." The hope in Gus's eyes was unmistakable.
"Have you trained anyone else to run the tractor and backhoe?"
Gus nodded. "Steve's pretty good, and Mack turned out to have some construction experience."
"Fine. Have them move the equipment up, I'll go see about the broken pipe and the ladies with food poisoning..."
"They don't have food poisoning," Eve said. "They're hypochondriacs."
"And right now, even the hypochondriacs need placating," Mother pointed out. "I'll see to them, make sure the equipment is secure, and then have dinner with the town. Eve, you rotate with Striker for Coraline duty. I want to be notified if there are any changes."
Eve gave her a wry smile. "That mean you're actually going to carry a walkie today?"
Mother gave her a bland look. "Channel nine," she said. "Use it only in emergencies. I don't want that thing chirping over stupid shit."
"I never chirp over stupid shit," Eve said defensively.
"Really? So last week when Striker took too long in the shower and you called me up to tattle, that wasn't stupid?" Eve's face turned red. Mother made her point. "Then it sounds like we've got a plan," she said to the group. "Meeting adjourned."
They got ready and all headed out to the barn. Mother rang the community bell, then went in to pat Phil while the people straggled up the hill. She was shocked at how much bigger Phil seemed. "You got big in four days, baby," she cooed.
"He's not a baby, he's a full grown bull," Wolf said from behind the safety of the stall wall.
"You think the trouble over Fred is too far gone to fix?" Mother might be pissed at Wolf, but she still had a job to do. He was her sounding board, and that didn't change just because he screwed up.
"Not if you do something big."
Mother nodded. "That's what I was thinking." She kissed Phil's forehead and left the stall to wait for her people. When they were assembled, she could see that Wolf and Gus had been right. Where they looked at her with kindness and hope before, she now saw weary and leery glances, as if they were unsure about their lives once again. It was not good. She'd have to say something. She'd have to do something. What, she didn't know. She'd have to feel it out more as she worked with them through the day and decide where to go from there.
"Good morning." She made a show of looking at her watch. "Er, almost afternoon," she joked. There were a few smiles, but mostly people just stared. She took a deep, bracing breath. Right. "I'd like to start this little meeting by sharing some good news. This morning, Coraline finally woke up!" There were genuine smiles then, and people murmured to each other. Mother held her hands up. "She's not out of the woods yet, but she's awake and talking and that's more than we could have hoped for."
"Did you really cut off her leg?"
Mother didn't see the face of the person who asked. A woman. It almost sounded like Denise. "Yes," she said. "I did. The chain hit her leg with enough force to get stuck in the bone." She didn't want to scare them anymore than they already were, but in her experience, life was far more scary for people if they didn't know the facts. "The plain truth was that the bone was shattered, her leg was hamburger, and even if I was a surgeon, I don't know if I could have put it back together." She explained as calmly as she could, as doctors always had when they delivered hard news. Simple words delivered very deliberately. Don't show fear. Don't show emotion. The facts were nothing more than facts.
"I'm not a doctor," she continued. "We don't have one, and I'm putting Striker on a special assignment to try and find us one. But I did the best I could by Coraline, as I'll do for any one of you. I know I've been consumed by the job, but every single member of this town is important to me. I will fight to the death to keep you alive.
"We also need to design a set of safety procedures for the jobs we do. I'd appreciate any suggestions. Life is hard. Life is dangerous. We can't possibly see every potential pitfall, but we have to try. If anyone sees a place where a rule might save limbs or lives, please don't hesitate to point it out. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a farmer. I'm not a plumber or roofer or hunter. But I have to be. We all have to be. We all have to learn the skills our ancestors used to stay alive, to survive, to thrive. And we will. One by one we will learn it all. Right now, we need to help each other. Please speak up if you see something dangerous. It's not tattling, it's not meddling. It's simply saving lives."
People were turning. They were looking at her with less wariness again. Mother knew she was on the right track. But they still looked tired. Hell, weren't they? They looked like they needed a break, and inspiration hit. "After today's detail, we will have two free days. Tomorrow morning we will plan and raid and have ourselves a celebration!"
There were excited whispers, and she knew she said the right thing. "What are we celebrating?" someone asked.
"Spring. Coraline living. The ground being tilled and us being alive!"
The excitement grew. Wolf silently gave her a mental high five. Now that was how to get the town behind her again!
"Today we work. Tomorrow we plan and party our asses off, and Sunday we'll get ourselves a recovery day. Does that sound like a plan you can get behind?" The town cheered and she dismissed them to work.
"You didn't explain Fred," Eve said, jotting something down in her notebook.
"I won't."
"They're talking."
Mother sighed. "Let them talk. They saw everything that happened."
Eve frowned. "If you're sure."
Mother was. She decided to only discuss Fred if someone brought it up directly. They were all there. They saw for themselves exactly what happened. They'd either side with her, or not. Either way, they knew she had a breaking point, that she could be pushed too far. At the time she knew on some level that drawing the line in the sand in front of the entire town was the best thing Fred could have given any of them. "They don't even miss him. Let them party their faces off tomorrow and they will realize they're having fun without his bitching and moaning. Now. Off to work. And no fighting with Striker."
Eve put her hands up. "If he keeps his distance, I have no problem with the little nerd."
Mother sighed. Striker was proud of his status as head techie. Every day he was a little more confident. Yet Eve still did whatever she could to get under his skin, as if his very existence was an insult. Some day Mother would pin Eve down on why. But today, she had work to do. "Calling a 'geek' a 'nerd' will just make things worse. I mean it. Play nice."
Eve rolled her eyes and turned to walk up the porch, muttering something that made Mother bite her lip to keep from smiling.
"You think a party is a good idea?" Wolf asked when the yard was clear and they stood alone.
"I didn't ask your opinion," she said coolly. "Come on. There's work to be done."
The day passed quickly, and dinner with the people was a great success. The mood was definitely a lot lighter than it had been that morning as people chatted about the upcoming celebration. Already a group of women were planning everything from music to decorations to food. Mother chimed in as she ate, giving her approval for the raid to include a search for viable soft drinks and snacks. "Nothing more than a month out of code," she instructed, not knowing what the dangers of out of date chips would be, or even if there were any. They might just be stale. Harmless and stale. She made a mental note to look that up next time she was in the library. She gave her approval for the party to be in the barn and for people to decorate however they chose. And then the women asked about alcohol, and all other chatter in the barn stopped.
Mother ch
ewed her bite of food and swallowed. In general, she was not a fan of alcohol. She saw firsthand what it did to fathers who didn't know when to stop. If a problem could be avoided, she'd do her level best to steer clear. However, her people were all adults. Hard working adults at that. Hard working adults that needed to vent off some massive steam.
"I tell you what," Mother said after careful consideration. "If we can be adults about it and hold our liquor, then yes, I'll allow alcohol." There were hoots and hollers, and Mother was surprised at the level of excitement. "But I want to make something clear," she said, holding her hands up to the group in general. "This is our first celebration. I hope it will be the first of many. We need good things in this life, too, and not just hard work and sore backs. But if it gets out of control, if fights break out or we discover we've got some mean drunks, I'll have a hard time granting permission again. Are we clear?" They said they were, and Mother truly hoped they meant it. It was a long time since they all actually got to unwind. She just hoped she wasn't making a mistake.
Mother stayed to help the people clean up after dinner, and hummed as she brushed down Phil. He didn't need it, but she wanted the contact. Wolf sat on the stall wall and watched, tense as he always was when she insisted on snuggling that potentially dangerous beast.
Mother stopped humming and turned to him. "I'm going to keep doing this, you know. I don't care how nervous it makes you."
She was challenging Wolf, and he accepted it. "I know."
"And if I get gored by this big old cuddle bear," she said, turning and rubbing her face on the space between Phil's horns like she knew the bull loved, "then you can say 'I told you so'."
"Seems fair."
Mother turned and resumed her brushing. "But until then, it's my call. And if I want to stay up for four days straight to take care of someone, that should be my call, too."
Wolf folded his arms across his chest. "Then where does my job stop?" he asked.
Mother's hand stilled and she tilted her head. She was expecting another heated argument. Instead, she got an annoyingly reasonable question that she really couldn't answer.
"You tell me the line," Wolf continued when Mother remained silent. "I'm supposed to protect you. Well, I was."
Mother snorted. "You picked the shittiest way possible."
"I picked the guaranteed way," Wolf defended. "Put yourself in my shoes." Mother's jaw tensed and Wolf could feel the steam coming off her. "Come on. Do it. Put yourself in my shoes."
"You put yourself in my shoes for once."
To Mother's surprise, Wolf easily conceded. "I have," he said quietly. "And I'm sorry."
He's sorry? Just like that, he's sorry. No whining, no excuses. He's sorry. He never says he's sorry! Mother threw the brush into the bucket of Phil supplies and scoffed in disgust. "And just what in the hell am I supposed to say to that?" she asked, tossing her hands in the air.
Wolf's lips spread into a half-smile. "I think this is the part where you apologize for putting me in a difficult position in the first place. Then we shake hands, and get on with our lives."
He looked so smug that Mother wanted nothing more than to slap his face. The fact was, she had put herself in his shoes. In fact, if Wolf was the one sitting by Coraline for days, she would have done the same thing if someone suggested it. But that was not the point. "This is my town, Wolf. Mine. I have to be there if it succeeds or if it fails. There was so much more to Coraline than one woman living or dying."
Wolf nodded. "I know."
Mother felt like they were going in circles. "Then you know I had to be there!"
"For all of them," he said simply. He hopped off the railing. "And now you are."
Mother turned and snatched up the rake, too flustered, sad, and angry to say anymore. She could completely see Wolf's side, and that frustrated her more than anything else.
"I really am sorry," Wolf said softly, his voice so near making her jump. He was right at her back, and she spun around to look at him.
"But you'd do it again, and that's why we're going in circles," Mother replied.
Wolf cleared his throat. "You're making something good, and it's my goal to make sure you're still around to see what it becomes. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. You're right. I'll do it again if I have to." Wolf's brain told to step back, to be hard and keep pushing her. Instead, his mouth opened and he spoke before he could stop himself. "Please. Please don't make me have to."
The soft request was so unnerving coming from Wolf that the rest of Mother's anger was swept away. Her heart raced and her cheeks burned, and she spun away from him and raked out the pen, needing to put distance between them so she could think. Wolf stepped back and leaned on the wall to watch her work in silence, wondering what in the hell had possessed him to ask anything of her. He gave commands for her safety, she followed. That was how a job worked. That was how he handled business because any other way could get someone killed. Or would make him care.
Wolf patted his pocket for a pack of cigarettes and caught Mother watching him. He folded his arms over his chest again and looked away. He watched her in his peripheral vision as she finished tending to Phil, then followed her in the house when she was done.
"I'm sitting with Coraline for awhile," she said over her shoulder. "Try not to drug me this time."
Wolf stopped the smirk on his face before she could see it. He turned around and went back outside for a smoke. With one snarky remark, Mother let him know they were back on firm ground, and as he lit a cigarette and looked out into the barnyard, the relief uncoiled the tension inside.
Mother opened Coraline's door quietly. "How's the patient?" she whispered to Striker.
"Okay," he whispered back, then frowned. "I guess. Hell, I don't know. She's been drinking a lot of water."
"Good," said Mother. "I'll take over for awhile."
Striker stood and gathered up the laptop and backpack he always carried with him everywhere. "She didn't want morphine this last time, but Wolf said to give it to her anyway. I gave her a half dose, so if she needs more, it's cool to give her a little. I wrote it down on Eve's chart. Wouldn't want to piss Miss Priss off."
Mother bit back a smile. "You two have to play nice."
"Tell that to her. I didn't do anything."
Mother patted his back. "Go get some dinner."
"Yes, ma'am."
Mother closed the door quietly behind him, then sat and looked over the chart by the glow of the bedside lamp.
"They gave it to me anyway," Coraline said softly.
Mother looked up and put the chart on the table. "Sorry if we woke you."
Coraline flicked her hand weakly. "I've been sleeping plenty."
"Are you in any pain?"
Coraline nodded. "But it's not more than I can handle. I hate that morphine."
Mother poured a glass of water and motioned for Coraline to sit forward. She noticed the wince when Coraline moved, but it was the woman's call whether or not she was drugged. "We can try something not as heavy if you want," she said once Coraline had taken a sip.
"I'd appreciate that."
Mother sat back and just stared at the woman she thought she knew, the guilt made worse by the fact that Coraline hadn't ripped her a new one yet. "I'm so sorry Coraline," she said again.
Coraline took a deep breath. "Don't. Unless it was a dream, I'm pretty sure I already told you I didn't need an apology."
"I should have..."
"No," said Coraline firmly. "You don't understand. I...I'm good now. I'm not angry."
Mother gave a small laugh. "You should be. You should be tearing into me good."
"I didn't mean about the leg," Coraline clarified with a small smile. "Though, I'm not angry about that, either. I mean, I'm not angry anymore. Not just about this, but about...everything." A tear rolled down her cheek, and Mother didn't want to upset the woman. But she sensed Coraline needed to say more, and just waited for her to continue.
"I lost
my babies," Coraline almost whispered. "I wasn't strong enough to keep it away from them. They died and I didn't protect them." Her voice choked off.
"Oh, Coraline," Mother said, taking her hand. "It wasn't your fault."
"But it was. It was to me. I grew them inside. I brought them forward. I created them and then I didn't protect them." Coraline looked at Mother with a wise sadness in her eyes. "I was so...angry. Guilty. I let my babies die, and I had the audacity to keep on living." She sniffed and ran the back of her hand over her eyes, and Mother had no idea what to say. "And I carried them around in me. I carried that pain and anger and I just wouldn't die." Her chest heaved in a deep sob, and Mother sat forward.
"Coraline, maybe you shouldn't..."
"No. I have to get this out." She swallowed hard and hiccuped. "I wouldn't die. I just wanted to die. And I couldn't bring myself to put a gun to my own head. I wanted to join them so badly, and I just couldn't do it. You have no idea how I've hated myself. It made me mean, and I'm not mean. Honestly I'm not mean." She was crying heavily then, and Mother's guts twisted for the woman. She sat on the edge of the bed and put her arms around Coraline and simply held her while she wept.
"And now, it's gone," Coraline said quietly a long time later when she could finally speak again. "It's just gone. I paid. I did my penance and now...I feel clean."
Mother was shaken. It didn't make any sense to her. Coraline acted as if she deserved the awful accident, as if some force made it happen to her to make her atone for what really had nothing to do with Coraline in the first place. She didn't kill her children, and it was horrifying for Mother to find out that's how Coraline had been feeling. She wasn't responsible for whatever virus carted them away. Part of her wanted to shake Coraline, to make her listen to reason, to scream some sense into her. You can't protect people from everything, she wanted to shout. Part of her wanted to hold Coraline forever, a woman so beautifully devoted to her children that she'd tear her own self to pieces for them, for merely the memory of them. And part of her wanted to break down and weep for having never loved anyone as much as Coraline loved those babies.
Coraline let out a watery laugh. "And now I've gotten snot all over your shirt."
Mother placed a kiss on Coraline's head. She didn't know why, she just did it. They had been through something monumental together, and she knew she'd never look at Coraline with anything but a deep love and admiration. She moved off the bed and sat back in the chair, wiping her own eyes she hadn't realized were crying and sniffling. "It's okay. Looks like I got my own snot on my shirt, too. Guess we're just big blubbery messes."
Coraline looked tired. She looked utterly wrung out. And yet, she smiled. As Mother mopped up Coraline's tears and held the tissue Coraline was too tired to bring to her own nose, Coraline smiled. "I'm so sorry for being a royal bitch."
The simple admission made Mother want to cry again. She laughed instead, brushing it off. "I'm no peach, either, Coraline."
Coraline took Mother's hand. "Cora. I used to be called Cora and I think I'd like that again." She gave Mother's hand a squeeze and kissed it. "Thank you. Thank you for keeping me here. I don't know what I'm going to do, but you know what? I think it's something. For the first time in months, I think maybe there's a reason I'm still here."
By the time Coraline was finished speaking, she was already falling asleep. Mother tucked her in and sat back in the chair, simply staring at the new woman. That's what she was. Coraline didn't lay in the bed. Angry, mean, bitchy Coraline was gone. Mother sat and stared at the woman on the bed for hours, thinking about everything that had happened between them, everything they'd been through, everything that was said. There was a peace in the room now, some intangible shift in the atmosphere and Mother let herself drift to sleep to the gentle comfort of Cora's soft, easy snore.