Chapter 4
She couldn't clean any houses. After the storm the night before, she stood at the top of her hill and stared across a valley of deep white. There was no way to get down the hill unless she felt like sledding, and there was no way to get back up without trudging. Her truck that was half buried under the thick avalanche off the porch roof wouldn't stand a chance of transporting her through the deep white nasty. The flakes conspired to keep her trapped.
She thought about NHWolf's words all night. She talked it over with Phil for quite some time that morning. Though he didn't have any new insights, she was glad he stood calmly while she talked it through. She mucked his stall and fed him, then trudged back into the house. She decided she'd log back onto the chat program and see if NHWolf was there. He wasn't, so she left an offline message for him.
He was right when he said she was looking for more than just a few new buddies. It irritated her on a deep level, and that, no doubt, had fueled her temper tantrum. But in the wee hours of the morning while she was staring up at the ceiling, unable to get his words out of her head, she had to finally admit that he was right. She did want real people to fill her imaginary kingdom. She spent the next few hours trying to decide how she felt about that.
She had never been in charge before, of anything, really. She had her life, and it was small and contained. It was ordered by necessity, adhering to the confines of the rules of others and the laws of others and the timetables of others. She made little decisions, like what to eat for dinner and which video game to play. And when she thought about it, that was about the total of her power. She called her mother every Friday, on her mother's insistence. She wore the uniform her boss told her to wear and kept her hair in the style the company preferred. When she actually stopped to think about it, her life before left her with absolutely no reason to want to be in charge of anything.
And yet, she did. The longer she thought, the more sure she was about that. She wanted to be in charge. She wanted to lead people. Why? "What in the hell makes me think I can be responsible for lives?" she asked herself as she stared in the mirror after her shower. Phil hadn't been able to answer the question either. She wondered if NHWolf could. Or if he even would if she asked.
She kept checking the computer through the day while she reorganized her supplies for the umpteenth time. She took a notebook with her and made careful inventory lists. Someone in charge would definitely know what they had to offer, she reasoned. Once the supplies were tallied and sorted in the upstairs, she went into the basement, taking the laptop with her, and began taking stock of those supplies. She realized that she had almost no organizational skills whatsoever. She wasn't a pig or a slob, at least she hadn't reverted to her old ways yet. But, she wasn't a neat freak, either. She should be. If she was going to be in charge of people, she should be neat. And tidy. And organized.
She flopped on her bed and looked over her lists. In one of the upstairs rooms she had canned foods, bottled water, and some tools. Why did she have the tools there? In the other room, it was very similar, but also contained medicines and pots. Spare pots. Pots she probably didn't even need. In the basement, she kept the things she liked the most for food items, in case she wanted a snack, and had an odd assortment of tools, jewelry, and camping supplies. By the time the computer binged and let her know NHWolf was online again, she was already fed up with her leadership.
NHWolf: Give it some thought?
ArlingtonSurvivor: I can't do it.
NHWolf: Why not?
ArlingtonSurvivor: Because I have no idea what I'm doing. I can barely take care of myself.
NHWolf: Are you looking for some ego stroking?
She ground her teeth together.
ArlingtonSurvivor: No. I'm not. I'm telling you that I'd be a shitty leader.
NHWolf: Fine. Tell me why.
ArlingtonSurvivor: For one, I have no experience.
NHWolf: You mean you didn't take Post-Apocalyptic Leadership 101?
ArlingtonSurvivor: Har har. And is that what this is? An apocalypse?
NHWolf: Can you think of a better term?
ArlingtonSurvivor: ....no. I guess not.
NHWolf: And we are in a dystopian future only without literal zombies. We just have the walking dead.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Sci-fi fan?
NHWolf: Everyone should be. They were right, now weren't they?
ArlingtonSurvivor: I guess. I didn't give it much thought. Seems scarier now that you pointed it out.
NHWolf: LOL The truth usually does.
ArlingtonSurvivor: An apocalypse.
NHWolf: Technically, I think you'd say "the" apocalypse. I don't think there can be more than one strictly by definition.
ArlingtonSurvivor: That's exactly what I told Phil!
NHWolf: Phil?
ArlingtonSurvivor: My bull.
NHWolf: You named your food?
ArlingtonSurvivor: Phil is NOT food.
NHWolf: What if he has to be?
ArlingtonSurvivor: This is turning into a ridiculous conversation.
NHWolf: Yes. But it started out ridiculous, so...
ArlingtonSurvivor: How did it start out ridiculous?? I said I can't be in charge. You can bring them here and they can set up their own town.
NHWolf: If they could do that, they would have. But they can't, they didn't, and it's going to be a long time before they will.
She sighed heavily. He wasn't understanding.
ArlingtonSurvivor: But that person isn't me.
NHWolf: You want it to be.
ArlingtonSurvivor: I want a lot of things that can't happen!
NHWolf: Why? Just tell me why you can't do it.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Let's start with the fact that I have no idea in hell what I am doing. Let's start there, because that seems to me to be a biggie.
NHWolf: False. You know far more than you think.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Now it's my turn to LOL.
NHWolf: You found a working farm.
ArlingtonSurvivor: By accident.
NHWolf: Was it? Because it was clear, new, had a cow and a working crop.
ArlingtonSurvivor: But I just found it wandering around. It's just where I stopped.
NHWolf: And there's a man here who "stopped" in the middle of the street. He was sitting in someone else's car just waiting.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Waiting for what?
NHWolf: Who the hell knows? People. An ambulance or rescue team. The Army. The president. Someone. Anyone. He was just sitting there. Scared the shit out of me when I walked by. He asked if I was there to help him.
ArlingtonSurvivor: And you were.
NHWolf: NO. No no no. I don't know why I have to keep telling you this. I was NOT there to help him.
He could say whatever he wanted. The fact was, the man NHWolf was talking about wasn't still sitting in a car in the middle of the road waiting for help. Facts were facts. There was more to this NHWolf than he wanted to admit. For some reason, that thought was comforting.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Fine. Have it your way. You didn't help him one little bit.
NHWolf: I didn't. Not if you take a look around this Walmart. THIS is NOT help.
ArlingtonSurvivor: You're talking to me. You're trying to talk me into giving them a home.
NHWolf: I'm trying to talk you into taking them off my hands.
She had no idea what this NHWolf looked like. She had no idea how tall he was, what color his eyes were, how old he might be. And yet, she got a clear picture of an angry little man pounding the keys as he typed that last line.
ArlingtonSurvivor: There are far worse crimes than helping people.
NHWolf: We aren't talking about me. We're talking about you. Stop playing shrink. Apparently that's my job whether I want it or not. I was telling you that you know far more than you think and you turned it around because you didn't feel comfortable with praise. Freud would have a field day with this.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Stop twisting
it. I meant what I said. I have no idea what I'm doing.
NHWolf: You do at least on some level. And before you start typing angry, just look at the facts. You found a home, a damn good one. Potentially the best you could have these days. You've got a place set up for the future, for more than your future. You have supplies. You waited until you felt you could handle it before you reached out.
Had she? Was that what took her so long to look? Was he right?
ArlingtonSurvivor: You think you know everything.
NHWolf: I know this: You came looking for them. They need you. You want them. These are facts.
ArlingtonSurvivor: I have no idea how.
NHWolf: You'll learn.
ArlingtonSurvivor: At what cost?
There was a long pause. She put it out there, her deepest fear. What if someone died because of her? What if they looked to her as NHWolf said they would and she let them down? Lord knew she let herself down enough over the years. She chewed her fingernail and watched the cursor on the screen blink, waiting to see his reply.
NHWolf: I'm going to tell you a little story. President Nicholson spent the three days after his first election locked in a hotel room. He did not come out. He refused to speak to anyone, not even his wife. He locked himself in and sat and wallowed. You know why? Because he was fucking terrified. It hit him. He won, and the weight of the country suddenly settled on his shoulders. Do you know what he was doing in that room?
ArlingtonSurvivor: No.
NHWolf: He was crying. He was huddled up and crying. He tore himself to pieces with self-doubt because he was certain, ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN he'd fail people.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Wow. I didn't know that.
NHWolf: No one did. That's why the pres. gets the best PR people. My point is, he had been a sergeant in the marines, then a state representative, and then a senator before he stood for the presidency. He went through Leadership Training 101 and passed with flying colors. And he was STILL terrified. Being in charge IS terrifying. It IS scary. It SHOULD make you pee your pants and cry in the corner. Because you know what it means if it doesn't?
ArlingtonSurvivor: No.
NHWolf: It means you shouldn't be in charge. If you don't care enough for your people to be afraid of letting them down, then another guy should have gotten the job.
She considered his words. He was very good. Very, very good at getting to the heart of the matter. It was entirely unnerving. And yet, there was something calming about it, almost. She didn't need to try and explain.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Is that really true about Nicholson?
NHWolf: Yes.
ArlingtonSurvivor: How do you know?
NHWolf: You want me to talk about your past?
She was going to say she didn't care, when she suddenly realized she did. What would she tell him? That she was a weak-minded worker drone that even she couldn't stand?
ArlingtonSurvivor: Touche.
NHWolf: I feel like we're making progress.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Is my hour on the leather couch done?
NHWolf: Yes. Please pay the receptionist on the way out.
ArlingtonSurvivor: LOL
NHWolf: In all seriousness, these people need help. You want to help. You've got the desire and the conscience.
ArlingtonSurvivor: You don't even know me!
NHWolf: Oh yes I do. You give away a lot more than you realize. Now, when should we expect you?
ArlingtonSurvivor: March?
NHWolf: ...ummmm...
ArlingtonSurvivor: I'm penned in by snow at the top of my hill. My truck's buried.
NHWolf: According to the MapMan website, there's an NH DOT a couple miles away from you. If you could get there, you could get a plow.
ArlingtonSurvivor: I don't know how to drive one.
NHWolf: You'll pick it up quick. Read over a manual tonight. Go for one tomorrow. Take enough supplies to get by if there's bad weather. And a gun.
She gave the words on the glowing screen a wry smile.
ArlingtonSurvivor: You've got this all planned out, don't you?
NHWolf: Someone has to.
ArlingtonSurvivor: What in the hell makes you think I can do this?
NHWolf: Experience. Now, can you get there tomorrow or not?
She loaded up the MapMan site and searched for the NH Department of Transportation like NHWolf said. She found it, and studied the map for a minute. It was about three miles away by the roads, but if the land between was more farm land, then she would probably have just as much luck cutting across fields as the crow flies. She could probably make it there and back in the daylight.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Okay, just looking at the map and I think I can do it in a day. Then what? Plow the road to Jackson?
NHWolf: Get one of the plows with the deep salt bed.
ArlingtonSurvivor: How much salt should I load? That'll take forever for just me.
NHWolf: No, not for salt. For people to sit in.
ArlingtonSurvivor: You want me to take people 20 miles in the winter in the BACK of a truck? You do know those things are open, right?
NHWolf: We'll heap on the blankets.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Is it really so bad that they can't wait until spring?
NHWolf: I haven't lied yet so I won't start now. Could they wait til spring? Probably. Should they? No.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Why?
NHWolf: The longer they sit in this hell hole, the harder it will be to bring them out. Morale is in the toilet. There are a few that only eat because they're forced to. A young lady already lost a baby, and one of the punks keeps giving her the eye.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Oh no! Is she okay?
NHWolf: NO SHE'S NOT FUCKING OKAY!!
She physically winced at his words.
ArlingtonSurvivor: I guess that was a dumb question.
NHWolf: None of these people are okay. If they were okay I never would have found them. Those who ARE okay found a way to start a new life and left these poor saps behind. They are not okay. None of them are okay. And they will not be okay until someone better than me can come in and MAKE them okay. Are you getting it yet??
She closed her eyes and counted to ten. She wasn't going to get angry. He was desperate. They were desperate. That's what he'd been trying to convey all along.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Do you think I could clear it with a plow then get a bus or something? I don't want them sitting in the open back of a damn snow plow.
NHWolf: If you think that's necessary. I think it's a waste of gas...
ArlingtonSurvivor: I still don't know where I'll put them.
NHWolf: Barn.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Yeah, because nothing says "happy new life" like sleeping next to cow shit!
NHWolf: Is it heated?
ArlingtonSurvivor: Yes.
NHWolf: We're in a Walmart. We'll get sleeping bags and pillows ready. Just get them there. Get them there, feed them, WASH THEM, and we'll take it from there.
ArlingtonSurvivor: I'm glad you're certain this will work. That makes one of us.
NHWolf: Are you heading for the plow in the morning?
ArlingtonSurvivor: Yes. I'll plan on getting the plow tomorrow and getting up here. I'll let you know when I'm back.
NHWolf: Sounds like a plan. I'll leave this program open. Just blip me when you're back. Hopefully you won't need it, but in case you do...good luck.