Chapter 5
Her legs were jello. Ice cold jello, just like her mother would serve on holidays. They jiggled and tingled and felt like they'd give at any moment. Trudging through snow up to her thighs was taking everything she had. At least she had sunshine. Even though it was blinding off the snow, it offered some sort of comfort. She pulled her leg up and forced it forward. A few more steps and she'd be in a shallow spot the wind created just for her. She just had to make it through one more brutally deep drift.
She broke through the drift and into the bliss of only a couple inches of snow and bent over, trying to catch her breath. She looked up at the sun and determined it was about noon. She could see the green roof of the NHDOT station. It was on a road through woods, and for that, she was grateful. There would be much less snow under the trees and that meant easier travel. It had taken hours to come less than two miles, if her judgment of distance was right. She pulled a bottle of water from her pack and took a deep swig, then loosened the scarf around her throat. Walking through snow, even in the bitter cold of January, was sweaty work.
She was cinching her pack shut again when she heard the snap of a twig. She whirled around and felt a shiver of fear race up her spine as she stared into the eyes of a large buck. He returned her stare for a few seconds before turning on his haunches and bounding away. She instantly told herself how silly she was for being scared of a stupid deer, then froze. A deer. A deer! She turned around and looked for him on the horizon, but he wasn't in view. She trudged towards where she had seen him, afraid he was a mirage. The prints in the snow told her differently. It was the first large wild animal she had seen alive in months and it gave her a feeling of hope. Her bull lived. A deer lived. There would be more. She couldn't stop the smile that ached through her frozen cheeks. There were more.
She entered the woods to trudge her way to the DOT with renewed purpose. As she hoped, the snow wasn't very deep on the forest floor. Her numb feet were clumsy and she tripped over several roots along the way. But overall, she greatly preferred that to the thigh deep evilness of icy snow. She made good time, and it wasn't long before she could see glimpses of bright orange through the trees. In no time, she was standing in the large NHDOT lot, looking up at the huge trucks in wonder and dread. They had never looked that big when they were on the road passing by. They never looked that huge when someone else had been driving them. She took a deep breath and told herself she could figure it out. She'd read a tutorial on how to start and drive trucks like this. She had seven to choose from. If she ground out the gears on one, she could just hop into another. No biggie. She gulped hard and stepped forward.
The one she wanted was shiny and new. No doubt it had cost the town of Arlington a pretty penny less than a year before. It was going to be the star of the fleet, for certain. She tried the door, and it was locked. She looked to the small station building. A little smashy-smash and she was in, searching for the right set of keys on the big peg board. Most of the keys were labeled with yellowed and cracked sticky labels, the old punch type she used to play with as a kid. There was one key that was hastily labeled with marker on a bit of masking tape, like they didn't yet have time to punch out a real label. She decided to try that one first. It was a good guess, and she was soon sitting behind the very large wheel of the very large and very new truck. Her backpack was on the seat next to her and she was strapped in. All she had to do was turn the key and follow the directions she'd read. She repeated them over and over to herself as she fiddled with the mirrors and touched the buttons. She could do this. She took a deep breath and turned the key.
It was over an hour before she could really get out of the parking lot going the right direction with the plow down, not up, and the transmission finally in second gear. Her nerves had passed the point of being stretched tight and she felt sore and frustrated. Her legs were burning from thawing in the cabin's surprisingly good heat, and the wet denim was starting to chafe. But she was doing it. Hating every second, but doing it. At the intersection she turned up the road that would lead her home. She got the truck home. She got it in her yard. There was a somewhat straight path now carved the whole way, and she still had about half a tank of gas. With shaking hands, she turned the key and shut her new beast down, then flopped her arms across the steering wheel and placed her head down to catch her breath. She did it.
As she got out, she could hear Phil lowing. She was cold, she was suddenly exhausted, and she was wet. But he needed her. She turned away from the house and went to feed and calm Phil. By the time she got inside she didn't know if she had it in her to make something to eat. She grabbed a can of peas, opened it, and snagged a spoon. She'd just eat them right out of the can. She flopped on the couch and wriggled out of the wet pants. Her legs were bright red and blotchy and they still stung, but she couldn't see any signs of real damage. She tucked them under herself, logged onto the chat program on the laptop, and ate her cold peas.
ArlingtonSurvivor: Got one truck.
NHWolf: Good. Get sleep and I'll see you in the morning.
She let out a small, sharp laugh. Just like that, eh? She shook her head and was about to tell him she wasn't ready. Her fingers hovered over the keys, unable to type in the simple words. Holy hell, she thought. I'm actually going to do this.
Her mind was too full to think. A million half-formed thoughts and terrified questions swarmed like bees inside, and she couldn't focus on a single thought long enough to see it through. She stared blankly at the screen, and let her spoon dangle from her limp hand. Holy hell.
She knew she needed sleep, but couldn't make herself get up and go to bed. She needed a shower. She could smell the funk of the day inside the sweaty coat and hat cling to her. She couldn't make herself care. She needed to clean up the peas that she'd spilled at some point and wash the spoon. People would be there tomorrow and she needed to be presentable. And all she could do was sit there and be overwhelmed.
The chime of the big clock in the den signaled that it was ten. She looked at the clock, then at the spilled peas, and jumped into action. She only had a few hours to be ready. People were coming. Holy hell, they were really coming! She raced around the house, straightening for company. She cleaned up the peas and took a quick shower. She glanced at her bed, and while her body told her she should climb in and get rest, her mind kicked into overdrive and she knew that sleep wouldn't come. She needed to be ready. She was going to have forty-seven other people.
Knowing they were coming and knowing what to do to prepare were two different things. She looked around her basement, then ran up to the food stores in the top floor. She had lists, but hadn't gotten to reorganize. Would they expect everything neat and tidy? She ran a hand through her hair and stood in front of the nonsensical hodgepodge. She threw her hands up and closed the door. She'd deal with that later. She'd just tell them what her mother used to tell company. "Stay out of the bedrooms, if you would." That would do it. She'd have to organize later. She went back downstairs and chewed her bottom lip. What next?
Food. She walked into the kitchen and looked in the cupboards. All the plates and cups were neatly stacked, twelve each. Twelve? She'd need forty eight! She grabbed a notebook and started making a list. They were in a Walmart. They'd just grab what she would need. The planning was making her feel better. As she listed off all the things she still needed to get for their immediate needs, she felt more and more in control.
At midnight she'd made a huge list and thought of everything she could. Dishes, silverware, cups, bedding, soap, clothing...the list went on and on. Pages. But, she figured with forty eight sets of hands, it would be light work to grab what they'd need. When she could think of nothing else, she set the list aside and glanced at the clock. She needed to sleep, but her mind was still whirling. She grabbed the laptop and decided to see if she could find a depot for buses in the area. When she found that they were too far out of the way to reach tomorrow, she jotted down the basic directions anyway. Maybe NHWolf knew of
others. The clock said it was close to one a.m., and still her mind churned. She tapped her fingers idly on the keyboard. It occurred to her that she hadn't checked her bulletin board postings since she'd started talking to NHWolf, and she logged into them one by one. Her heart constricted in her chest when she saw that there was another response to one of her postings.
Help! I looked at a map and I saw I'm only like 32 miles from you. Mom and dad and my brothers are dead. I'm running out of food. If you're a grown up and can get me come help. I can hunt small game. I won't give you trouble I promise. I'm at 48 Chester Rd. in Waterford. HELP.
The date said it was posted a few days before. "Shit!" she yelled into the quiet house. After sending a brief reply, she quickly typed the address into the MapMan site and wrote the directions down. She raced downstairs and stuffed her backpack full of water and snacks, then put on warms clothes. She was out the door in minutes. She hastily crammed Phil's trough full of hay and made sure the barn door was shut tight before firing up the plow and heading down the hill.
She was a good five miles up the main highway before it dawned on her that she wasn't having to think about driving the big rig. She was just...doing it. She gave a shaky laugh. Nothing like a little motivation to hammer home a lesson. She wasn't going fast, but she'd get there. The grinding of the plow on the road and the rolling mountain of snow in the headlights became a centering focus for her.
She went through another small town, one she had actually been to before. She passed a dark diner she remembered eating in with her father once. Other things around her looked familiar. She'd passed through this town several times in her life. It made her feel more in control. She realized for the first time how well she really knew the area. "I got this," she said to herself.
After another few miles, she came upon several snow-covered lumps in the middle of the road ahead and slowed to a stop. She peered out of the windshield, frowning. "What the hell is that?" Did she lose the road? She backed up and put the truck in park, then hopped out into the night. She crouched and dug her hands into the packed snow. Under the tire marks her hands definitely hit pavement. She was on the road alright. She walked forward and pushed her way to one of the lumps. She was wiping the snow off when it dawned on her. Cars. They were cars. She stepped back and just stared at them. In the glow from the headlights she could make out several lumps in odd positions. In her mind, she imagined what the scene would look like without snow.
"I'm the first responder on the scene of an accident!" she said out loud. Her laughter died in her throat with the full weight of the implications. "Oh. Shit." She looked around. She could maybe go around. There was a ditch, by the looks of the dip in the top of the snow. She didn't want to get stuck. She couldn't get stuck. There was a kid who needed her. Not adults being babies, a kid. She absolutely could not risk getting stuck. She took a deep breath and hoisted herself back into the driver's seat. She couldn't get stuck and that meant one thing: she'd have to plow right through.
She gunned the engine and slammed it in gear. She lurched forward and pushed through, bracing herself for impact. She heard the crunching more than felt it and watched as the car popped out through the snow and rolled almost gracefully up the snow bank she was making and off to the side, out of the way. She hit the next car and it dragged for a few seconds before shifting to the side. It wasn't as "smashy" as she was expecting. In fact, it was barely "smashy" at all. The plow almost guided the cars out of the way, and the thought was comical to her tired mind. Three cars out of the way and the path was cleared. It was all so simple, almost as if they weren't ever there. She didn't let herself wonder if there were still people inside.
She rumbled to the big intersection in Jackson. She'd have to take a right to get to Waterford. It would be about thirteen miles or so up into the hills to the north. The lights of Jackson were mostly on. She looked at the glow in the night. There was a dark area to the left. Maybe a winter storm knocked out the electricity. She saw the Walmart a little ways down the road if she went straight. That's where she'd go tomorrow. It was surrounded by gas stations, and she glanced to her gauge. It was getting low. She had three credit cards in her backpack, ones she had found worked in the pumps at Arlington. The road up to Waterford looked very dark. She hesitated for a second before shutting off her blinker and going forward. She'd gas up and see if there was any movement in the Walmart, maybe let them know for sure she'd be there in the morning. A look at the clock on the dash said that was approaching faster than she wanted.
She maneuvered into the gas station that shared a large parking lot with the Walmart and other small businesses. The pumps were still on and she hopped out and began filling her beast with diesel. She locked the pump to continue filling while she stepped toward the station itself to check for gas containers. She smashed her way in with her elbow and grabbed four gas containers. She turned around and almost had a heart attack. A man with a gun stood in the doorway and she froze.
"Are...are you NHWolf?" she stammered, holding her hands up as best as she could with the gas cans.
He held the gun trained on her another second before lowering it and taking a step forward, his boots crunching on the broken glass. "Just Wolf. You aren't supposed to be here until the morning."
She smiled in spite of her racing heart. "Technically it is morning."
Wolf stood and assessed her in the harsh florescent lighting of the gas station. He'd heard the rumble of the engine while he was outside having a smoke and saw the truck sit at the lights for two solid minutes before it headed his way. He watched her turn into the gas station and made his way over. She had been completely oblivious to him standing right there, and that scared him. It was clear she had no training in even the basics of self defense. Wolf had felt that she was naive before, when they were chatting. As she blithely hopped out and hummed while pumping her gas, he became sure of it. He only approached with the gun to try and scare a little sense into her.
And then she turned around and he got his first look, and Wolf couldn't help the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. She was young, he'd guess twenty, maybe twenty-two. Young and grinning like a fool instead of dropping for cover. A gun was on her, aimed for a kill shot, and she stood stupidly smiling at him. Sighing to himself, he put the gun in the holster inside his jacket and stepped forward to help her get more gas cans. He grabbed four and went past her out the broken door. The truck was full and he moved the nozzle to the first of the cans. "Why are you here so early?"
She stared at him for a second before stepping over the threshold of the doorway. "I'm on my way to Waterford."
"Waterford?"
She set her gas cans down by the pump and opened them. Wolf was done filling the first, so she took it and had the next in line before Wolf could react. Good, he thought. At least she saw a job and did it. That would be crucial. Maybe she had potential.
"Yes. I got another response to one of my bulletin board postings."
"How many?"
She looked up at him and gave a half smile. "You get right to the point, don't you?" He gave a little shrug. "One. A kid."
Wolf quirked an eyebrow. "You sure it's a kid?"
She nodded. "Yes. He didn't say his age, but he did ask for a grown-up to help and promised he wouldn't give trouble. I think it's a boy."
"Why?"
She pulled the next can out of line and set up another. She capped the can and wiped it off with one of the courtesy paper towels from the holder by the pump while she spoke. Wolf noted her efficiency and was pleased. "I don't know. Just the way he wrote. Plus he said he could hunt small game."
"That's sexist."
She stopped and stood up, looking at him with a curious expression. "I guess it is," she said after a moment and Wolf wondered why it seemed that she was truly giving one little comment a lot of thought. "Sexist or not, that's the vibe I got."
"Vibe?"
"Yes. Vibes. Everyone has a vibe."
&nb
sp; It was on the tip of his tongue to ask what "vibe" he had, but he thought better of asking. "So you're playing hero."
She threw her head back and laughed. "Isn't that exactly what you wanted me to do?"
He shook his head. "Nope. It's what you wanted to do." She clammed up, and he filled the rest of the cans wondering about the sudden awkward silence. She was an odd one, that was certain. When they finished filling the cans, they loaded them into the bed of the truck.
"Well, I'll be back as soon as I can," she said when the job was done.
He gave a nod. "We'll just swing in and let Gus know." Without another word he walked to the passenger's side and opened the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I figured it would be quicker for us to drive across the lot."
She sighed. "Are you coming with me?"
"Yep."
She stood waiting for more. When he just gave her a pointed look, she shook her head and walked to the driver's side. It was embarrassing to have to struggle into the driver's seat in front of someone else, but Wolf was staring out the window, not even paying attention. She settled behind the wheel and turned on the engine. "You don't have to come with me, you know."
"You aren't armed."
She frowned as she put the truck in gear. "You don't know that."
He rolled his head toward her and gave a bland look.
She sighed. "Okay, fine. I'm not armed. But I'm going to get a kid."
"First, I told you to have a gun. Second, you don't know it's a kid."
She opened her mouth to argue, but couldn't. He was right on both points. "I don't know how to use a gun," she admitted.
He sighed as if the weight of the world was suddenly on his shoulders. "Of course not."
"I have guns," she said defensively. "Lots. And ammo. All I could find. I was going to teach myself to shoot this spring."
"I'll teach you to shoot."
She gave him a quick look as she pulled up in front of the Walmart. "I didn't think you were sticking around."
Wolf opened the door and bounded out without answering the question. "I'll be right back." She watched him cross in front of the plow and enter the Walmart.
"Holy shit what a weirdo," she said to herself. For a second she considered taking off without him, but the thought was fleeting. He was right. She wasn't armed, and it really might not be a kid at the other end of the journey. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel and waited.
When he returned, he belted himself into the seat. "Gus has things under control for the night but let's get this done as quick as possible."
"Gus?"
"Yep. Old man. Good guy, tough as nails. Everyone in there respects him. He'll be a good supporter of yours."
She snorted and he looked at her. "Supporter. I...it just sounds weird."
"Hm," was his only response to that. He glanced out the windshield. "You're going to miss your turn."
She looked forward and pulled hard to the left. They made the corner, but barely. She caught Wolf's look of amusement and she felt her face burn. They drove on in silence for a little while. "Who else should I know about?" she asked when the silence got to her.
"Eve."
"Who's she?"
"The girl who lost the baby."
"How did it die?"
"Stillborn. Really little, probably only six or seven months pregnant."
She swallowed hard. "Poor thing. How is she?"
"Young. Scared. I'd put her seventeen, eighteen."
"Holy shit," she whispered.
"She's tough. I think she'll get through but she needs some special attention. Good bed, real food, plenty of rest."
She nodded, trying to start a list in her head. Gus was old and tough, Eve was young and hurting. "Got it. Who else?"
"You want all their names?"
She shrugged. "I need to know who I'm...who's coming to..." She frowned deeply. Just how in the hell should she classify them? Or her? She waved a hand. "You know. Them."
He considered her for a minute. She wanted this. She wanted it more than she realized. He wasn't kidding when he told her that, and his assessment was correct. He was sure. It was his job to analyze, his life's work to size a person up quickly to determine strengths and assess potential problems. She was young. She needed training, and that couldn't begin soon enough. But she wanted it. She craved it. The need to have a flock to guard over all but radiated off her. If only she realized that for herself. "They're your people."
She snorted. "I don't have people."
"You do now."
The laugh died on her lips at his look. He was so absolute. "You're a very intense person, Wolf."
He almost looked proud. "It's been mentioned."
She gripped the steering wheel for a few minutes, her mind trying to come up with something to say. "Well, I'll tell you what. I don't know what they are going to be to me, or what I'm going to be to them. But right now, I just have to think of that scared kid who needs a family. Let's just focus on that."
Wolf said nothing and turned his head to look out the front window. Jesus she was young. Fine. She wanted to think of one thing at a time? They would. Let her see the kid and take him in and get addicted to that feeling. That's all she'd need.
The miles passed until they had to turn off the main road and begin up a steep hill. She was not doing well driving up the hill and he coached her along. They twisted and turned, slowly chugging along the mountain road. "Nice and easy," Wolf said over and over.
"Why couldn't he live in the middle of an airport landing strip?" she joked, unable to hide the nervousness from her voice. The truck was so close to the edge. All it would take would be one icy patch under the snow and the big plow would slip over the side and down into the narrow ravine.
"You got this. Just give it a little more gas. Clutch," Wolf said. She pushed the clutch in and he shifted, selecting the right gear for her. She gripped the steering wheel so hard that by the time the crested the mountain her bones ached. "Let's just sit here a second and get our breath." His calming voice left no room for argument and she put the truck in park.
She turned a scared look his way and whispered, "I fucking hate driving."
He couldn't help it. He laughed. Just a bubble of laughter that sounded harsh even to him. But it was a laugh nonetheless. "You're doing fine."
"You take over."
He shook his head. "No. You're doing fine. Step out and get some air."
She nodded. She stepped out and drew a deep breath. Morning was breaking and the first strains of muted light could be seen to the east. She drew in another breath and felt the nerves slowly unclench. One more, and she felt in control. She got back into the cab.
"Better?"
She nodded. "I'd be better if you'd drive."
"Clutch," was all he said. She sighed and pushed in the clutch while Wolf put the truck in gear. "Down we go," he said as they jumped forward.
A half hour later they finally reached the address. They sat in the cab looking at the small house. It was tucked into the middle of the forest, with no neighbors for miles. "No wonder he feels all alone," she said quietly.
Wolf scanned the house and the yard, his trained eyes taking in every detail. There were no footprints in the snow. The yard was clean. Three little stick crosses poked out of the snow under the trees at the edge of the driveway. There were lights on in the house, but no sign of movement. The truck's rumble was very loud, loud enough that it should have woken anyone in the small cabin. There was no smoke coming from the chimney. He frowned. He didn't like what he saw. It felt like a trap. Or worse. "Did you let him know you were coming?"
She shoved her arms into the jacket she'd taken off during the stressful trip. "Yep. Blipped a quick message. I don't know if he saw it. It was really late."
Wolf reached inside his jacket and removed his gun from the holster. "Wait here."
She scoffed. "You can't just go rushing in there with a gun! You'll sc
are him!" She put her hand on the handle of the door and pulled.
Wolf's hand shot out and he firmly held her torso. "Wait. Here."
The look in his eye said just how serious he was. She clenched her jaw. "Fine. But don't point the gun at him."
Wolf quirked an eyebrow but said nothing more as he hopped out of the rig. She watched him cross the yard, saw his eyes scanning around, watched as he spun and turned, his gun at the ready. He looked like a character out of a spy movie and she wondered again what his job was in his former life. He swiftly scaled the porch steps and pressed his back to the wall.
"Oh for the love of..." she muttered to herself. There was safety, then there was just being ridiculous. She hopped out of the truck.
"I said stay!" Wolf barked.
"And I'm not a dog." She trotted up the stairs and shook his hand off her elbow.
"Let me at least clear the area," he hissed through clenched teeth.
"You're being ridiculous." She watched as a vein in Wolf's temple actually throbbed. She'd read about that in books, but had never pissed someone off enough to witness it personally. She knew she had made her point, so she stepped back and motioned to the door. "Fine. You go first if it's so important to you."
Wolf opened his mouth to snap at her, but closed it without speaking. Later. There would be time later for him to explain everything she should have noticed for herself. "Stay here. And I'm not ordering you like a dog, I'm telling you what you should do for your safety. You follow anyway and get your head blown off by an angry lunatic, don't come and haunt me in your afterlife."
His words were said so clinically, so matter-of-fact that they cut through. She willed herself not to shiver and stepped back. She'd wait. He gave a little nod, then opened the door.
"I'll signal if it's clear," he said in a very low tone. "If there's trouble run for the truck and get out of here."
"But..."
"I mean it."
She gave another nod and pressed her lips together. She watched Wolf enter the house, then he closed the door. She didn't know if it was to keep her from following, or to keep any potential dangers inside the house, but she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms to wait.
It wasn't long before the door opened and he came out, pulling it tightly closed behind him.
"Well?"
She was so hopeful. Her damn face was so fucking hopeful. Jesus what did he get himself into? He could lie. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her it was the wrong address, or the kid wandered off. After he found the hanging body of the boy who just couldn't take it anymore, Wolf climbed the stairs and prepared a brief list of believable stories that would hide the truth.
"Come on! The suspense is killing me."
Her cheeks were rosy pink in the morning cold. She had dark circles under her eyes, he knew from lack of sleep. Even with that, the hope was still so clear. Her eyes sparkled with it. She might want a friend. Hell, a surprising part of himself he thought was long dead wanted to be that friend. But "want" didn't have a place in this new life. She could make a friend in any of the others. What she wanted and what she needed were two different things. Wolf made her step up. He made her agree to lead. He made her drive, even though he easily could have taken over the wheel, because all of that was what she needed. And right then, she needed to hear the truth, no matter what kind of bastard that made him.
"We're too late," he said calmly.
It took a second for his words to register. He watched the painfully soul-crushing hope fade to fear and sadness. "No." She didn't want to believe him.
"Come on." Wolf holstered his gun and gently pulled her arm. She wrenched it away from him and pushed towards the door. He grabbed her more firmly. "Come on. We're too late."
"No!" she shouted, her eyes full of angry tears. "No. I did not come all this way to be too late!"
"You can't save them all," Wolf said as patiently as he could.
She made a strangled little noise and opened the door. She had to see. She had to know. She felt his grip on her arm and yanked against it. "Get your fucking hands off me right now!"
Wolf let go, silently pleased with the fight and the fire. Maybe she did have to see for herself. It would either break her or make her. He just wished he knew her well enough to know which it would be. "He's in the cellar."
She stopped, surprised at Wolf's sudden turnaround. "Thank you," she said hoarsely. She made her way through the living room. There was a door open in the hallway, and as she neared she could smell the familiar odor of death. She almost gagged on it, and her stomach heaved. Oh god. They really were too late. She hesitated at the top of the stairs. She took a quick look over her shoulder. Wolf was standing just inside the living room, arms crossed, watching her. Was he waiting for her to fail? She felt her spine stiffen at the thought and turned to walk with purpose down the stairs.
She stood for a long time at the bottom, looking at the small body with the rope around its neck. Wolf had cut him down and laid him on the floor. There was a crate tipped over nearby. She could see the other end of his self-made noose still tied to a crossbeam. There was no note, no last wishes, confessions, or prayers. There was nothing and no one. The boy, maybe thirteen by the looks, died alone and scared by his own hand.
She felt the bile rise and did nothing to stop it as she dropped to the floor and heaved and heaved until she felt empty. She reached out a hand and ran it over the boy's hair. They were so close. She almost made it. If he had just held on another day or two. She felt the tears and the scream building inside, felt the numbness beckon. She shook her head and pushed up onto unsteady legs.
She groped her way up the stairs and stumbled down the hall and out to the truck. Wolf followed silently. He said nothing when she got into the passenger's seat. She couldn't drive or she'd kill them both. He climbed into the truck and began the arduous task of navigating the mountain. She sat with her head leaning on the side window, saying nothing.
Wolf wished he could get a better feel for her state of mind. He couldn't tell if she'd been pushed over the edge. He couldn't tell if she'd bounce back. He couldn't tell if that was the straw that broke the camel's back, or the foundation for a new resolve to help the ones she could. It was a coin toss, and he hated being unsure. He reached in his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes. He lit one, then cranked the window down a little.
"You mind?" he asked after the fact.
She said nothing. Wolf frowned and drove through their plowed path back to Walmart. He finished his cigarette and flicked the butt out the window. He cleared his throat. "We're almost back."
She nodded. "I know," she said quietly.
"You can help them. It's not too late for them."
She nodded but said nothing. What could she say? His words were true and they were right. That didn't make the pain of guilt and failure any less. They were too late for that boy. If they could rewind the clock and go back in time a week, she would know about him in time. She could contact him in time. She could get there in time to keep the rope from his neck.
But they couldn't go back. There was no such thing as a time machine. Time just marched forward unendingly, unceasingly, with no thought or care to pain and guilt and the "what ifs" of life. She would have to do what she'd already learned to do. She'd have to swallow it and hold it and learn from it and move on. She hated herself for thinking like that, but that's what the incessant persistence of time forced her to do. She would arrive at Walmart to find forty-six people who needed her. She could help them. And the boy, she would keep with her, his lifeless face in her mind always as a reminder not to fail again.
They drove the rest of the way in silence. Wolf determined he would just have to wait and see what happened. She was silent, but he was quickly learning that a whole lot happened under her silent surface. He'd just have to wait and see how it all played out. They pulled into the Walmart and he waited a minute before opening the door.
"When we get in there, I want you to take a
good look. Look at everything. Look at the people, look at how they've been living. You take a good look and then you tell me you can't be in charge of them. These are people you can save."
She assessed him for a minute before nodding. "Okay." They got out and she followed him to the door.
They were met by an elderly man she assumed was Gus. "You've been gone too long."
Wolf sighed. "Blaze?"
The old man nodded. "Yep. Started sniffin' around Eve and had to be put in his place. Chuck's on it."
"Shit," Wolf swore as he pulled out his gun. He was about to step inside, but changed his mind. She should go first. Let her see. Let it hit her. He stepped aside and motioned her forward.
She frowned, but followed his invitation to enter first. What she saw was almost incomprehensible. She didn't know what she expected, exactly. A Walmart, with squatters. A store, one of the many like it. She knew Walmart, had shopped there too many times to count. She assumed maybe there would be tents, maybe people would have set up cots. But it would still look like a Walmart, it would still be familiar. She certainly didn't expect to step into a war zone.
She stood at the front of the store and could not believe the utter chaos in front of her. Racks and aisle shelving were tipped, or shoved aside, sectioning off areas. There was a pile of cans and wrappers, trash, just left there in the corner, not even taken outside. There was a horrid odor coming from her right, from the area under the "restrooms" sign. And people stared at her, most of them filthy, all of them with the look of deer in headlights. What the hell was the matter with them?
Wolf gave her back a little nudge and she walked forward, taking it all in. All of the cash registers were in a heap. A young guy with a bad attitude exuding out of every pore sat in a lawn chair in front of them and cleaned his nails with a large hunting knife. He was clearly guarding his treasures and if they were at sea, she'd call him a pirate.
He stopped with he saw her staring and pointed the knife at her. "You even think about touching my loot and..." he dragged the back of the blade across his throat.
She could not help but laugh. It was absurd. Absolutely, ridiculously absurd. "And what could I possibly want with money?"
Wolf felt his nerves unwind. The scene at the cabin didn't kill her. It didn't crush her. She passed the test and came out better.
Someone giggled. A woman. She turned her head and saw an older woman covering her mouth. "Who are you?" she demanded.
"Janice."
She nodded and turned back to pirate-boy. "Janice knows how ridiculous you are."
"Basics of survival, lady," he defended. "Someday the world will be back and I'll be sitting pretty."
"And what are you going to eat while you're waiting for that to happen? Andrew Jackson and Benjamin Franklin are a little tough on the digestion."
Wolf liked her quick wit. That's what they needed. They needed someone who could do their thinking for them while they healed. He scanned the crowd. She was already making friends. Good. He stepped forward and the pirate-boy's eyes flashed with fear. Wolf held his hand out and the kid reluctantly turned over the knife. "I thought we talked about you and weapons, Blaze."
So that's Blaze, she thought. The boy scowled but kept his mouth clamped shut and it made her wonder about his past interactions with Wolf. She turned to the rest of the group and began slowly walking through the store. Take it all in, Wolf had told her. And so she did. And every step showed one more failure, every look piqued a quiet rage. They didn't even wash, not most of them, anyway. "Do you have running water, Janice?" she asked of the middle aged woman.
"Yes, ma'am," Janice answered.
She was taken aback for a moment. Ma'am? She turned to look at Wolf uncertainly. He gave the smallest of nods, one she was sure no one else would have noticed. "Then why are you all so dirty?" she asked Janice. Janice couldn't answer, but the older woman's cheeks turned red. At least Janice has the good sense to be embarrassed, she thought as she moved on. She came to a very thin, small young lady. This must be Eve. She held her hand out and the girl grabbed it. "I've been told you're not well," she said only loud enough for the girl to hear.
"Get me the hell out of here and I'll be a whole lot better in a hurry."
She threw her head back and laughed. "Oh I think I'm going to like you just fine, Eve." She nodded towards the front. "Gather your stuff and wait up that way. We'll head out soon." Eve flashed a grin and hurried to gather supplies.
She watched Eve and was pleased with the level of excitement. Eve was so sickly that her face looked gray, yet there was such a spark there. She knew she'd come to rely on Eve. Eve was the type of person other people would listen to. And boy, did these people need to start listening to someone. "Janice, you too." She turned to the group at large. "All of you. You're all welcome to come to my farm."
"I'm set up just fine here," said one man.
She looked him up and down and frowned. He was dirty like the rest, but sat among a pile of hoarded snack foods. They all had to be close to their expiration dates, if not past. "And what are you going to eat when you run out of cheese crunchies?" she asked him.
He crossed his arms over his chest. "You offering better?"
She felt her annoyance rise again. "I've got a farm, or didn't you hear that part? Corn. And a bull. I saw deer around my place and there's a lake nearby to fish."
"You don't look like no damn farmer."
"I will be. Come spring, I'll have to be. As will all of you if you plan on living."
The man dismissed her with the wave of a hand. "I'm not shoveling cow shit. I'm sure there's a plan."
She stared at the man and blinked a few times, unable to believe what she was hearing. "A plan?"
"Yep. Government's gonna save us. You'll see."
There was a groan from the crowd around her. "Are...are you serious?" She turned to look at Wolf. "Is he serious?"
Gus laughed. "As a heart attack, ma'am."
She turned to the rest of the group. "But you know that's not going to happen, right?" There were only a couple people that truly agreed with her and the thought was staggering. "People, we're it. There's no plan. This is it. What you see here is it." Several people shifted their gazes. Unbelievable. Did they honestly, honestly believe that something would happen? That someone else would save them? "If you want a chance at life, you're going to have to build it for yourselves."
"Like I've been sayin' for months," yelled Gus, throwing his hands in the air. "Amen and hallelujah, someone else gets it!"
"I don't care what you say," said the stubborn man from behind his potato chip bag moat. "I paid taxes for thirty god dammed years..."
"Oh here we go again," said another man. He threw his hands in the air, pushed off the floor, and approached with his hand out. "I'm Steve. I'll just grab my stuff and head to the line. A farm has got to be better than retail hell!" He went to the front and stood with the others. Several more people stood and made their way. Some still looked around, unsure. A few would definitely be stubborn hold outs.
Time to try the direct approach, she thought to herself. "Your taxes are gone. Money is gone," she said pointedly to Blaze. "The government is gone, the people are gone. You have no representatives, you have no law makers. There is no emergency service that will come and bail you out. This is it. I am it. And right now you have two choices. You can continue to let yourselves wallow in this filth and rot in your own shit and piss and stink and garbage, or you can get your asses in the truck and come help me build up a new life for all of us."
Several more people got up and made their way to the front. A man came running out from way in the back of the store. He was very tall, very thin, and very, very creepy. He had an unusual grin and stopped right in front of her, bending low in an old fashioned bow. "I am at your service, my lady."
"And you are?"
"Chuck. And if you will shuffle me off this mortal coil, I shall forever be in your debt." He grinned and it sent shivers down her spine.
"That doesn't mean what you think it means," said Gus, shaking his head.
"That means death," clarified Janice with a nod.
Chuck looked at her, still holding her hand. "Is this not a grand death already?"
She pulled her hand away and pointed to the front. "Uh, join the others, Chuck."
"I don't fucking believe this bullshit!" The potato chip king yelled. "Traitors! All of you!"
Much to her surprise, Chuck whirled around and backhanded the man. The man's arms flailed and he tipped over and crashed to the floor.
"Chuck!" she yelled. Wolf was already making his way down the store to them.
Chuck crouched over the stunned man and grabbed him by the collar. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?"
"She...she ain't my mother..." the man stammered.
Wolf placed a hand on Chuck's shoulder. She found it odd that was all it took for Chuck to release the man. "Aw, Wolfie," Chuck whined. "One of these days you'll let me do it. You know what a waste he is. Let's kill him, you and me."
Wolf shook his head. "Not this time." He pointed to the front and Chuck sighed, but followed directions. Wolf held his hand out. The man stubbornly refused to grab it. "I swear to Christ, Fred, if you don't shut up and get in line I'll let Chuck at you."
Fred quickly reassessed and let Wolf pull him up, grumbling the whole way.
"And he's right," Wolf said very, very quietly in Fred's ear. "You talk like that to her again and you'll wish you died like the rest." Fred's face turned white and he huffed and hurried his way to the front, making sure to stand as far away from Chuck as possible.
"I'm not your mother," she said to the rest of the group. "If I was, I'd put you all on punishment. Look at yourselves. Look at what you've let yourselves become!" She pointed to a woman. "Come on, would your mother let you get that filthy? When was the last time you brushed your hair?" She moved on once she saw the woman blush deeply, her point made. "You. You're surrounded by garbage. Garbage! Why the fuck didn't you take it out? You are literally wallowing in trash." The man looked away. She turned to the whole group. "Come on. We're better than this! We're survivors. We made it. Do you know what a rare gift that is?"
"It doesn't feel like a gift," said a woman quietly.
"Who are you?"
"Coraline."
"It is a gift. You lived."
"And my babies died and I wish I died right along side them!" Coraline spat out bitterly.
"Then stay here," she said quietly. "Stay here and rot, and then they all died in vain. Then none of them were actually ever here. If no one carries on, then they were never here at all."
Coraline made a gurgle that sounded like a laugh. "Oh for fuck's sake. Listen to Madam Altruistic over here!"
She sighed and threw her hands up, the exhaustion and frustration of the night mixing with the anger of the day, fueling a good, deep, hot rage. "It's your choice. It's for all of you to chose. I have a farm with a nice little town. I plan on building it back up. I plan on getting up every day and pushing ahead. I plan on doing it because there can be something again, there can be more. I did survive and I'll be god damned if I'll just piss that all away in a pile of my own filth and garbage! You want to rot in your own little dump? Be my guest! Have a good afterlife. Make sure to explain to those babies why you failed when you get there. Tell them Mommy let them die for nothing."
The words were cold. The words were mean. The words shocked the crowd as much as they shocked her. They were, perhaps, the most awful words she'd ever spoken to anyone. And she was stunned even more to realize she truly meant them and that she didn't want to apologize.
She couldn't take it. She had to get out of there. "I'm rolling out in fifteen minutes. I will never return to this cesspool. If you feel like joining me, the more the merrier. If you don't, then I wish you well." She pushed her way outside past the stunned crowed and stormed to the front of the plow truck to catch her breath.
She felt Wolf's presence. She stared across the parking lot feeling like a shit. She heard him light a cigarette and pull in a breath. "Coraline asked for it," she justified.
"Yep."
She glanced sideways at him. "That's it?"
"Yep."
She wanted Wolf to tell her she was already failing. She wanted him to yell at her for losing her cool. What she said was unforgivably mean. She wanted him to yell at her, but he didn't. She turned and looked back at the empty town in front of them. She could hear a loud voice directing people into the truck. Eve. She didn't want Eve riding in the elements. "Put Eve in the cab with us."
"Yes ma'am," Wolf said. He flicked his cigarette away and walked to the back where people were loading up. She heard him bark some quick orders and in no time, he told her they were ready to go. She pulled herself into the driver's seat.
"Thanks for letting me ride up here with you," Eve said, snapping the seat belt closed.
"No problem. How long ago did you, ah, have your troubles?"
"A couple weeks. And it's okay, I'm not sad about it."
She quirked an eyebrow at the girl. Eve looked serious. "Okay then. Have you had trouble since?"
Eve shook her head. "I just feel tired a lot. It was kinda messy."
Wolf looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Can we get this show on the road?"
"Don't tell me the big, bad, Wolf can be undone by a little menstruation talk," she teased, leaning forward to look at him across Eve. At his scowl she bit the inside of her lip and turned away before she laughed outright. "Let's get the hell out of here, kiddies." She started the truck and they lurched forward towards home.