I think back to that day I first met him and how stunned he appeared when he saw me. I thought it was because of my purple hair. The idea that he knew me, knew the real me, this entire time is mind-blowing.
“I can’t believe you even recognized me. I look so different.”
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but you still look like you.” His grin broadens, pretty much taking over his entire face. “Well, a crazy, rainbow version of you.”
I roll my eyes but a tiny raindrop of a smile sneaks through. “This is so weird. All this time you’ve known me and I didn’t even know it.”
“I didn’t really know you. I just took pictures of you sometimes.”
“When you put it that way, you kind of sound like a stalker.”
He scrunches his nose. “Wow, I kind of do. It wasn’t in a weird way, though. I just like taking pictures of people, and you take really good pictures, and I—”
I put my hand over his mouth to stop him from rambling. “I don’t really think you’re a stalker. Trust me. I used to watch people all the time, especially tourists. That’s how I notice you.” I lower my hand. “I just didn’t take pictures. But I did dance around in parking lots with sparklers in the middle of the day, so I’ve got the crazy thing going for me.”
The stiffness in his body alleviates. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. At first it was because I was worried you’d think I was too weird, and then I didn’t because . . .” He rakes his fingers through his hair with his free hand. “Well, because it seems as if you don’t like to be reminded of the past.” He traces the folds of my fingers. “If you ever want to talk about anything, just know that I’m here.”
Anything at all?
God, it must’ve been hard for him to tell me his secret, yet he did. Just like that, gave it up. I try to make sense of it, how he knew me, how he saw me, how he used to be so depressed—so sad—and then one day just deciding he wasn’t going to be.
“I decided that I needed to stop watching life and actually live it.”
If I’m ever going to forgive myself and move forward then perhaps living life is where I should start. Luca may have brought me up here with every intention of telling me how he knew about the candy, but really he told me so much more.
He reminded me that I used to live life.
And now I’m about to try it again, only with purple hair and a scarred leg.
“You want to do something fun.” I’m jittery with too much adrenaline. It’s been too long since I felt this way, and I swear my heart’s going to leap right out of my chest. “I should warn you, though, it’s kind of crazy, and maybe just a little bit dangerous.”
Wariness floods his eyes. “Is it illegal?”
I waver. “Nope. Not really.”
“Then count me in,” he says with zero hesitation.
A bundle of nerves, I stand up, telling myself I can do this. If for no other reason then to remember the man my dad was.
One foot in front of the other, Anna.
Time to live again.
Chapter Seventeen
Fireflies Really Do Exist
“What are we doing here?” Zhara asks from the backseat of Luca’s Jeep as she stares out the window at the park.
Nikoli is sitting beside her with a football on his lap and the hood of his jacket pulled over his head.
After Luca agreed to go with me, my initial instinct was to get in the car and just leave. That’s what I would’ve done a month ago. But that was then and this is now, and being in the now, I made myself ask for permission. The only way Loki would allow me out of the house past seven was if Zhara went with me, and I was pretty okay with that. On the way out, though, we ran into Nikoli, who looked depressed and lonely sitting on the steps, playing catch with himself, so Luca invited him, which made me like Luca even more.
“And what did you guys get from Dad’s store?” Zhara adds, unbuckling her seatbelt.
Luca and I exchange a look, silently agreeing not to tell her what’s about to happen. Then we open the doors and hop out. The sky has cleared up since earlier and is dusted with handfuls of stars.
“Are you sure this isn’t illegal?” Luca double checks as we meet around the back of the vehicle.
“Not on New Year’s or the Fourth of July,” I say as he pops open the rear door.
“Wait. We’re doing something illegal?” Zhara asks as she climbs out of the backseat and joins us. She pulls her fleece coat tighter around herself, anxiously glancing around at the trees surrounding us. “Anna, I can’t get in trouble.”
Nikoli climbs out with the football tucked under his arm. “Zhara, would you relax. You’re stressing me out just listening to you.” He hikes across the grass, tossing the ball into the air.
“We won’t get in trouble,” I tell Zhara, grabbing one of the smaller firework boxes from the back of the Jeep. “Dad used to do this all the time.”
Her mouth sets in a firm frown. “In January?”
“One year he did.” A faint smile rises on my lips at the memory. “As a belated Christmas present to me.”
“We should have an escape plan, just in case.” Luca gathers up the rest of the fireworks and bumps the rear door shut. “We are harboring an ex-felon here.”
He grins at me, and I stick out my tongue.
“We’re going to get in trouble,” she whines, close to tears. “I know we are.”
“Relax. Everything’s going to be fine.” I pat her shoulder as I pass by her and head for the open grassy area where Nikoli has sat down.
“So, fireworks, huh?’ he asks, and I nod.
“I thought it could be fun,” I say.
Nikoli shrugs. “I guess it sounds cool.”
Luca walks up with a stack of fireworks in his hands. “So, where are we doing this?”
I point toward a flat area, then we head over and begin setting up the first fountain.
“How far will they shoot?” Luca wonders, glancing around at the grass and then the sky.
I read the back of the box. “It says that it just shoots a shower of sparks.”
‘That’s not very specific.”
I balance the stand on the grass. “That’s half the fun. You never know what’s going to come out of them.”
“Okay, but if this backfires and does something crazy, like set the park on fire, I’m totally running and leaving you behind.” He shoots me a grin so I’ll know he’s kidding.
“Yeah, right. I’ll knock you down and steal your car keys before you can bolt,” I retort, sticking out my hand. “Now, hand me the lighter.”
He drops the lighter into my palm, brushing his fingers across my wrist in the process, and my heart slams against my chest. He smiles as he steps back, as if he knows exactly how uncontrollably excited and nervous he just made me feel.
I crouch down in front of the fireworks. “Ready?”
He folds his arms across his chest. “Whenever you are.”
“Ready, Zhara!” I call out to her, because she’s still huddling near the truck.
“I guess,” she replies anxiously.
“What about you, Nik?” I ask.
He inches back toward the trees. “Sure. Get the show rolling.”
“If all goes awry, there’s a hose near the bathrooms,” I say to everyone. Then I flick the lighter and the flame hisses against the wick. I shuffle back, giving it some room, waiting, waiting, waiting.
Boom!
Vibrant shades of purple, yellow, and blue shimmer through the air like a rain shower and light up the sky like the Fourth of July. Without even thinking, I clumsily chase after the sparks with my hands out, ignoring the limp in my walk.
It doesn’t matter right now.
“There’s something so freeing about lighting off fireworks,” my dad says as an array of colors explode in the sky.
“You used to hate them,” I remind him, spinning around and around. “What changed?”
“I did,” he says simply. “Sometime
s people do that over time.”
“Is it a good thing? Change, I mean.”
“As long as you’re happy with yourself, then it is,” he says, walking up beside me.
I pause. “Daddy, are you happy?”
He smiles down at me. “Right now I am.” Then he lifts up his hands and spins around and around with me.
I twirl around with my hands in the air, getting dizzier and dizzier, but refuse to stop, to ever let go of that freeing, happy, heart beating feeling that the memory brings.
Luca laughs as he watches me. “If I’d known this was how I could get you to loosen up, I would’ve done it a long time ago.”
Smiling, I keep whirling inelegantly around until the sparks fizzle out. Then we light off another one, and unable to help herself, Zhara runs around with me while Nikoli and Luca stand off to the side, chatting about something. After we get through the larger fireworks, we move on to the sparklers. Eventually, my leg grows sore, so Luca and I wander back to the Jeep, leaving Zhara dancing around on the hillside with two sparklers and Nikoli lying on the grass, stargazing.
Luca opens the back of the Jeep and motions for me to sit down. Hoisting myself up into the back, I zip up my coat. The car radio turns on, to the classic rock station, of course. “More Than A Feeling” by Boston flows melodiously through the speakers as Luca returns and sits down beside me.
“So, now what’s on the agenda?” he asks.
I shrug, swinging my legs dangling over the edge. “I don’t know. I was thinking about stealing a box of hair dye on our way home.” He gives me a grim look, and I steal his move and wink at him. “I’m just kidding. I think I’ll take it easy on getting in trouble for a while.”
Chuckling, he lies down with his hands tucked behind his head. “Sounds good; otherwise, I might have to go back to just taking pictures of you.”
I lie down beside him and stare up at the roof of the car. “Was it hard for you to tell me about that?”
“It was a little nerve-racking,” he admits, giving me a sidelong glance. “Mainly because I thought you were going to think I was a freak.”
“You kind of are, though, but so am I.”
He rolls over and props himself up on his elbow. “You’re not a freak, Anna.”
“What do you see when you look at me?” I ask, unable to stop myself.
“Honestly?” he asks, and I nod. “I see someone who’s been through a lot and is a little lost . . .” He ravels a strand of my hair around his finger, hurriedly adding, “But that’s okay. Everyone gets a little lost sometimes.”
I don’t know why I do it. Maybe it’s because of what he told me earlier about knowing me before, or the fact that I’m here lighting off fireworks, something I thought I’d never do again, but I find myself opening up to him.
“Can you keep a secret?” I say, and he nods, his brows furrowing. I can’t hold still—can’t believe I’m doing this. I sit up, and he moves with me. I take a deep breath and another, feeling the fresh air saturating my lungs, something I wouldn’t have appreciated a month ago because I would’ve been too high. Life’s always changing, whether we want it to our not, and sometimes we have no choice but to change with it.
I stick out my pinkie, and he loops his around mine without so much as a second thought.
“The day we got into an accident, I found out my mom was having an affair.” I pull my pinkie away from his and stare out at the parking lot illuminated with the glow of the lampposts that enclose the area. “It was the guy who owns the antique shop, actually. She went there that day with me in the car, and when she came out, she was acting strange . . . I knew something wasn’t right . . . and she kind of asked me not to tell my father without actually asking me . . . When we picked him up, I swear to God he knew, but I hesitated and didn’t say anything to him. Then a few minutes later, I didn’t have a choice anymore.” I blow out a breath. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. No one else knows, but sometimes I feel like it’s literally killing me on the inside. Like my body survived the accident, but my mind really didn’t.”
It takes him a few heartbeats to respond, and I worry I might have said too much. Maybe he wasn’t ready to hear my family’s secrets.
“Anna, you not telling your dad . . . That’s not your fault,” he says. “Your mom should’ve never asked you to keep that kind of a secret.”
“I get that. And I think if there hadn't been an accident, I probably would’ve ended up telling him.” I realize the truth as I say it.
If my dad hadn’t died that day, I would’ve eventually said something. I may have wanted to be like my mother while I was growing up, but my dad was the one who cooked me burnt breakfasts, bought me fireworks on my birthday, took me to the park to light them off in the middle of the night. My dad was a good person, and he deserved to hear the truth, even if he already knew it.
“That’s because you’re a good person,” Luca says, covering my hand with his. “Whether you admit it or not.”
He’s studying me with an intense, smoldering look, and all I can think is, I want to kiss him, right now, in this moment before it’s too late. Whether this is fast or slow, I don’t care. I just care about missing my chance and never being able to have this moment again.
I lean in slowly, the shy side getting the best of me, but I keep going until our lips connect. Sparks erupt, but I’m not sure if it’s from the kiss or from Zhara and Nikoli lighting off another firecracker in the distance.
I giggle against Luca’s mouth, thinking how I used to believe kisses could actually create fireworks.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, breathless, his eyes glazed over.
“Nothing.” I quiet him, deepening the kiss.
He cups the back of my head, pulling me closer and sliding his tongue into my mouth. He tastes minty, smells like fireworks, and his body feels so warm against mine as he lays me back into the Jeep. His hands roam all over my body, his fingers grazing my stomach. I slide my hands underneath his shirt and feel the softness of his skin, get lost in the way he moans. This kiss is so different. This time I’m less afraid and more willing to let go. This kiss isn’t about the past. It’s about the present. It’s about him and me.
I want this.
The song switches to “Disarm” by Smashing Pumpkins as I hitch my bad leg over his hip and press against him. Everything starts to move quickly after that. Out-of-control. I’m getting lost again, but in the most beautiful way possible. His shirt comes off, and mine ends up around my neck as we kiss each other almost frantically. He keeps letting out these moans that I’ve never heard a guy make, and I can’t seem to get enough air into my lungs. But I don’t really care. I just want more kissing. More lips to lips. Body to body. Skin to skin.
“Oh, my God! Sorry!” Zhara screeches right as Luca undoes the button on my pants.
We break apart, breathing raggedly as she takes off running. But when we look at each other, we both erupt with laughter.
Luca’s head falls against my shoulder, and his breath caresses my skin. “I hope we didn’t just embarrass the crap out of her.
“I wouldn’t count on that,” I say, working to catch my breath. “She probably won’t be able to look either of us in the eye ever again.”
Luca rolls off me, ruffling his hair into place, and I readjust my shirt. Then I button up my jeans while he pulls his T-shirt back over his head and puts his jacket back on. Before we get out to search for Zhara, he tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ear and gives me a look that makes my skin warm. Even though I can’t see into the future, I know there’s going to be more kisses like that between us, because I plan on kissing Luca a lot.
With a quick brush of his finger across my cheekbone, he turns away and scans the parking lot for Zhara. “Where’d she go?”
I spot her lingering over by the bathrooms, looking everywhere but the Jeep. “Can you go get Nikoli and tell him it’s time to go so I can have a second to talk to her?” I ask Luca, and he nod
s, hopping out of the car. I lower my feet out of the vehicle and hobble over to Zhara. “Hey, you okay?”