“Yeah, I’m fine.” She won’t look me in the eye.
“Zhara, you don’t need to be embarrassed,” I say. “We were just kissing.”
“It doesn’t matter what you were doing. I’m just being silly.” She glances over her shoulder at me, and her eyes are red and puffy.
“Then why are you crying?”
She shrugs, dabbing her eyes with the sleeve of her coat. “Not because you two were kissing. I was just thinking about some stuff.”
“Want to talk about it?” I ask.
She turns around and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly. “I just miss them. That’s all. Being out here reminds me so much of Dad.”
“Me too.” I hug her back. It’s the first time I’ve willingly hugged one of my brothers and sisters since the accident, and I think I might need to start doing it more. “Did you know Dad told me once that he secretly dreamed of opening a firework stand?”
Zhara pulls back, her eyes wide in shock. “He did?”
I nod, laughing softly. “He said it’d be awesome and it’d save him so much money because then he wouldn’t have to pay for the fireworks he bought all the time.”
“He did buy a lot,” she sniffs, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “I always wondered why.”
“Because it made us happy and his favorite moments of his life were when he got to see us happy.”
“Did he tell you that?”
I nod. “He actually told me while we were out here lighting off fireworks . . . I remember he looked so happy that day. He even let me light one of them, which he never did that.” I laugh, but at the same time my eyes water. “It was a great day.”
“A lot of days were.” She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “We’re going to get through this, right? I mean, one day it’s not going to be so hard?”
I smash my lips together, nodding. “You know what? I think so.”
We both release a breath then return to the vehicle where Luca and Nikoli are waiting for us, talking about something that seems to be making Nikoli happy.
Luca straightens when he sees me approaching. “Everything okay?”
Is everything okay? It feels that way right now, but I can’t be one hundred percent certain. Of anything really. Of where my life will go. If I’ll always feel as good as I do right now. If Luca and I will work out. If I’ll get that fairytale ending I used to dream about. All I can do is just take the good stuff and hold it in my hand for as long as I can.
“I think so,” I say, glancing at Nikoli as he opens the door and hops into the back. “What were you two talking about?”
“Football,” Luca says. “That kid really likes his sports.”
“He always has,” I explain, realizing that while things are different, not everything has to be.
“Is your sister okay?” Luca asks, glancing at Zhara as she rounds to the other side of the Jeep to get in.
I nod, tucking my hands into my sleeves. “She’s just going through some stuff.”
“You about ready to go?”
“Yeah, but can we stop at the store on the way. I need to buy some hair dye.”
“That you’re going to pay for, right?” Luca jokes, and I shove him playfully.
He catches my arm, tugging me closer, and shyly leans in to kiss me on the corner of my mouth. It’s short and sweet, but I can feel it all the way down to my toes.
We break apart and I head around to the passenger side to get in, but I pause as I’m about to open the door. Out in the field, I spot a tiny glowing dot. At first I think it’s a stray spark from a firework that hasn’t burned out yet, but it’s moving with purpose.
No way.
A firefly.
I hurry after it, rushing across the grass faster than I should, and trail its path with my hands cupped in front of me.
My mom once told my dad that there weren’t any fireflies in Honeyton, but my dad argued that he’d seen a few.
“I’ve seen them before, honey,” he says to my mom as Zhara and I bounce around the blanket they were sitting on, hyped up on sugar and anticipation for the firework show to get started.
“They weren’t fireflies,” she replies, sitting back and nibbling on a cookie. “They don’t exist here.”
My dad just shakes his head then winks at me. “Go catch me a firefly for me, Anna.”
I spring forward and cup my hands around the tiny, gleaming bug. My palms glow against the night as I stand on the middle of the hill, holding it in my hand, scared to let it go, but knowing that I have to eventually.
“Dad, you were right. They really live in Honeyton,” I whisper as tears roll down my cheeks.
Then I summon a breath, open my hands, and let it fly away into the night.
When I get home, I go up to my room and take out the letter hidden under my pillow. I’m scared to death to open it, but I’ve been running away from my fears for too long.
It’s time to let go.
With tears flowing down my cheeks, I slip the letter out of the envelope.
My dear Crazy Dreamer Annabella,
If you’re reading this, then it means I’m no longer around to watch you grow up into the woman I’ve always known you were going to become. When I imagine where you’ll be, I see you dancing in some big city, under the lights, and you’ve finally cured your stage fright. But that might be the dreamer side of me talking.
Like you, I’ve always had big dreams, but unlike you, I’ve never really chased them. I always envied you and your bravery, to get over your fears and stand in front of everyone as yourself. It’s a gift to be so free like that, to be whoever you want to be in the moment. I know you don’t see yourself like that. That you think you’re ordinary, but you’re so very wrong. You’re anything but ordinary. Always have been, from the time you danced your first step instead of walking it. You saw the world differently, full of sunshine and happiness even on the most dreary, rainy days. You were never afraid to feel every emotion, to savor every breath, to dream of all the possibilities waiting for you.
If I can give you one last piece of advice, it’s to never let that go. Always be truthful to yourself, Anna, no matter what. Life will have a lot of storms in it, but if you remain true to yourself, you’ll make it through.
Love,
Mom
My hands shake as I fold up the now tear-stained piece of paper and tuck it away in a box in my closet right beside my worn ballet shoes and crinkled posters that used to hang on my bedroom walls. Then I get out the letter to Dennis.
Even though she made mistakes, I love my mom. But that’s not why I’m getting rid of the letter. I’m doing it so Loki, Jessamine, Zhara, Alexis, and Nikoli can always remember my mom as the loving, happy person we all saw her as. Unlike my mom, I don’t ever want them to have to be burdened with this secret. She never should’ve taken me with her to the shop that day, never should’ve asked me to keep quiet. But what’s done is done. I can’t change it. But I can change it for everyone else.
Clutching the envelope, I shred the letter into pieces and toss them into the trashcan, letting the secret go.
Chapter Eighteen
A New Old Anna
“Your hair looks weird,” Alexis says as I enter the kitchen the next morning.
“I like it,” Zhara says, admiring our handy work from last night, when we rinsed out the purple and just highlighted a few streaks.
“Are you sure you want to do this,” she’d said as I sat in front of the sink with a towel around my shoulders.
Nervously nodding, I handed her the box of dye. “It’s time for something different . . . time for something . . . new.”
“You would,” Alexis mutters, scooting back from the table and picking up her empty cereal bowl.
“Be nice,” I warn as two slices of toast pops up from the toaster.
Alexis glares at me. “Just because you’ve turned into your freakin’ overly positive, my-shit-don’t-stink self again, doesn’t mean you can act like the boss.
”
“I haven’t turned into that person again.” I grab the slices of toast. “I’m just . . .” I trail off, trying to figure out how to put what’s going on with me into words.
Even though my hair is different, I still have on eyeliner, but not as heavy, and I decided to wear a pink T-shirt to add a little color to my black skinny jeans and clunky boots. I feel strangely exposed, like I’m giving the world a peek at the person I used to be, the one who ran around chasing rainbows, who hated getting into trouble. The one who wasn’t rotting inside from the guilt and the confusion of not knowing what to do with myself after the accident. It feels like I’m learning to walk again, and with one misstep, I could fall.
“She’s just a new, old Anna,” Zhara offers, looking at me.
“You know what? I think that works for now.” I toss the butter knife into the sink, pick up my bag, and head for the stairway to wake up Loki.
But he’s already up and dressed for work, drinking his coffee in the living room, watching the news.
“Wow, you’re up early,” I say, swinging the handle of my bag over my shoulder.
“I could say the same thing to you.” He does a double take at my hair and pink shirt then rotates around in the sofa. “When’d you do that?”
I stuff half the slice of toast into my mouth, feeling self-conscious with my new look. “Last night, after I got back with Luca.”
“Should I be worried about you two?” he asks, picking up his cup of coffee. “I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but I was thinking about Dad last night, and how he was with Jessamine and guys and, I don’t know, I feel like I need to be more protective or something, and talk to you more about,” he clears his throat, staring at the cup in his hands, “stuff.”
By stuff, does he mean safe sex?
I swiftly shake my head, backing for the door. “You’re doing great. I swear. And if it’s cool with you, I’m going to get a ride to school with Luca since it’s his first day.”
“I guess it’s okay, but don’t forget you’re supposed to meet with the guidance counselor this morning to talk about how you can get your grades up.”
I frown. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”
“Please make sure you go. This is important. You’re in your senior year, and I know you don’t want to think about it, but graduation is coming fast.”
I nod, clutching the handle of my bag. “Okay, I’ll go.”
“Thank you.” He studies me over with his head cocked. “Anna, I’m . . . I’m really proud of you. I know it’s been hard for you, but it means a lot to me that you’re trying to do better.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass. You didn’t deserve to have to deal with that . . . none of you did.”
“It’s okay. We’ve all had our pain-in-the-ass moments. Even I went through some shit.”
“I know, but I almost got us taken away.”
“But you didn’t,” he says pressingly. “And, like I’ve said a ton of times, you need to stop worrying. Everything’ll be fine. Now get your butt to school so you’re not late.”
I glance at the wall clock. “I should probably be saying the same thing to you.”
He looks at the time and jumps to his feet. “Shit.” He hurries toward the kitchen. “Zhara, Alexis, Nik, we gotta go!” He pats his pockets to make sure he has his keys and wallet as I head for the door. “And, Anna, remember I’m picking you up a little early for your counseling appointment,” he shouts as I step into the foyer.
“Okay.” I feel a little apprehensive about seeing a therapist, but maybe it’ll help me face the future a little better. At least that’s what I’m hoping.
When I step outside into the chilly winter air, Luca is waiting for me by his Jeep bundled up in a coat and beanie.
His eyes nearly pop out of his head when he spots me coming around the fence. “Holy crap, you look . . .”
“Like the old, new me,” I offer as I stop in front of him.
“Not exactly what I was going to say, but it works.” His gaze scrolls up and down my body, making me feel super insecure.
“I thought I’d try something different.” I shrug, but his gaze causes my heart to dance.
“You look good,” he muses, opening the car door for me.
I hoist myself in, setting my bag on my lap as he climbs into the driver’s seat. “So, are you nervous?” I ask.
“For what?” He appears genuinely perplexed as he slides the key into the ignition.
“For your first day of school.”
“It’s not like I’m in kindergarten, Anna,” he teases, revving up the engine and cranking up the heater.
“Yeah, but you’re not wearing your glasses.” I draw my seatbelt over my shoulder. “Which means you’re trying to impress the entire school.”
“Nope, just the person I’m giving a ride to school.” He grins at me as he backs out onto the street.
“You’re such a dork.” I turn my head toward the window so he can’t see my dorky smile.
“I’m going rock climbing after school,” he says as he steers onto the main road. “You should come.”
I flex my fingers, staring at my father’s store as we drive by it. “As fun as that sounds, I don’t think I can climb a rock wall.”
“Easton said the place has a beginner wall that’s super small and easy, which probably was that ten foot wall you were talking about." He twines his fingers through mine, drawing my attention back to him. “He said if I could convince you to come, it could be part of your physical therapy.” He eagerly waits for me to respond, his eyes carrying a question: Are we together?
It’s been a long time since I’ve known what I wanted, but I realize how much I want to be with Luca.
“You’ve been talking to Easton about me?” I ask.
“I just want to spend time with you, so I brought it up, hoping he’d bite the bait and say it was cool for you to go.” He shrugs, like it isn’t the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me
“Okay, if it’s cool with Loki, then I’ll go.” I smile at him to let him know I’m serious.
“Sweet.” He gets as giddy as a cheerleader at a homecoming game, and it might be the most adorable thing I’ve seen. “This is going to be so awesome. I’ve been wanting to do this forever. In fact, it’s on my list.”
“You have a list? Like a bucket list?”
He nods. “I’ve had it ever since . . .” He trails off worriedly.
“That’s good,” I say. “It’s good that you know what you want to do with your life.”
“Well, I don’t know everything I want to do. I just know there’s a lot of stuff I’m going to try to do.”
I contemplate what he said. “Maybe I’ll make a bucket list, too.”
“You should. And I could help you,” he says, then smiles. “You should put rock climbing on it.”
“Maybe I will.” I lean back in the seat, thinking about all the things I could still do with a bad leg
He rambles about rock climbing and mountain biking and all the stuff I should try. He’s so excited, talking animatedly with his hands. It’s fun watching him get amped up, and I want to be right there with him, getting all stoked, but the closer we get to school, the more I sink into my worries.
I haven’t walked the hallways as a fully sober Anna for almost eight months. People are going to stare, whisper, gossip about the ankle bracelet, and I’m not going to have my makeup, hair, and don’t-give-a-shit attitude to hide behind.
This is it. This is reality.
“Are you going to make it?” Luca asks, yanking me back to the here and now. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”
We’re parked at the school and the engine is off. The campus yard is bare, the cloudy sky and plummeting temperature forcing everyone inside. The hallways are going to be clogged up with people and their whispers.
“I’m fine. I’m just a little nervous.” I open the door and slide my feet to the ground, getting my bearings before
putting all my weight on my bad leg.
My legs wobble as I meet Luca around the back of his car, slipping on my backpack. He takes my hand, and we start across the parking lot. Everything feels fine until I stumble over a crack in the sidewalk right as we reach the entrance. I nearly turn around and bolt, just like I used to.
Luca strengthens his hold on my hand. “Don’t worry. I won’t let you fall, remember?” He winks at me.