Chapter 21
The Beginning
The next time I heard about Nutmeg was at the Parent Support Group three weeks later. Jack and Sue would be attending the support group meetings at least until the adoption was final, which might be for 6-8 months or even stretch out as long as two years, depending upon her social worker and the Family Court schedule. Many of our adopting families chose to attend these meetings well past the time the adoption was completed and legal. A few sets of parents continued until their kids were into adulthood. Our Children’s Garden families bonded strongly through these meetings, and often took it upon themselves to take joint outings for a barbecue or other venture in someone’s home. With all the kids and parents, they were quite a crowd. Forty five of them even chartered a bus once to take them all to the National Seashore nearby for a whole day of sun and surf.
Jack and Sue explained to the group that Nutmeg was doing well within the family. She seemed to be enjoying summer camp along with Kim and had really enjoyed a weekend visit flying kites at Presidio National park along San Francisco Bay. They had one concern.
Jack said “This may not seem like a big problem, but we wonder if there will be a problem and we’re not sure how to handle it. You see, Katy is already as tall as Kim and she seems to be having a growth spurt and will soon be taller than Kim. She’s already brighter – and she knows it – and we wonder how to help Kim who may begin to feel inferior as Katy is taller and smarter than she! The Summer Camp Counselor tells us that Katy is also remarkably agile in gymnastics and all things physical and really outdoes Kim. We see her also as a better manipulator -- she can outfox Sue and I if we’re not careful!”
“Does she actively try to compete with Kim, though?” asked another parent in the group.
“Well, no, really, she’s actually very eager to help Kim, but the differences, with Kim a year older, do seem significant,” replied Jack.
“Well, I wouldn’t anticipate trouble,” said another parent. “If the girls aren’t showing a problem or Kim’s not complaining, be careful you don’t set it up with your worries.”
Another parent chimed in: “And you know, we talk about this all the time. These kids are different, and all kids are different from each other. You just need to keep talking about how differences are good, make the world go ‘round, and find what Kim does better than Katy, so you can show them how the differences are a good thing.”
“I’d like to reinforce that last point,” I interjected. “All our kids, even within the same family, are really different from each other, and while sibling rivalries do exist, we can lessen them a great deal by pairing kids of complementary skills together on tasks, and by praising them for working well together. Try to stress each kid’s individual and unique traits and talents and to acknowledge each one’s successes and accomplishments.”
“We found that spending some alone time, special time, with each child is really important in our family," said an adoptive parent of four.
“Yes, spending a special time regularly with each child not only cuts down on sibling rivalry. It also helps your relationship with each kid.” Our hostess chimed in.
“We are sure glad to have such a supportive group to help us through this process,” said Sue to the group. She smiled: “We really appreciate you all and feel we’ve made good friends here.”
“Well, glad to have you!” was the fervent reply around the room.
“Oh, and Doc Murphy was saying at Nancy’s appointment today that maybe Katy and she would make good playmates. Nancy says they do a lot together at the summer day camp. Can Katy come over someday soon - maybe after camp for an overnight?”
“I’m sure Katy would enjoy that,” replied Sue. “You just tell us when.”
The meeting went on with talk about a recent teenage runaway and how to deal with it, and with an announcement that one of our parents has just received four-month old twins and needed some extra help. A few good laughs and sharing of wonderful chocolate goodies and coffee concluded a good discussion and sharing time for our families.
As we were leaving, Sue and Jack pulled me aside. “We were wondering,” They said, "whether Katy might have an appointment time with you soon." She seems to miss you a lot and talks about wanting to see you, and her houseparents, too.” Jack said.
“Oh, I miss her too,” I shared. “However, it’s best that we let her adjust to your family and her new camp experience for a bit. After about another two weeks, I’ll be over to see her, and to see how things are going with all of you. You certainly can call if you have any issues come up where you feel you need help: please don’t hesitate if you need me, but we like to give the children time to adjust before bringing back memories of earlier relationships. We’ve found it works better not to confuse things for awhile.”
“What shall we tell Katy, then? She pestered us a lot to be sure we asked you to come over really soon.” Jack looked crestfallen, as though he did not want to disappoint his new daughter.
“Tell her to think about when she first came to Children’s Garden and how she and the other children were not allowed visitors or family for the first six weeks of their stay with us in the Evaluation Home. They needed the time without interference to get used to us and we to them. Tell her it’s the same rule now in her new home and assure her that I WILL be there in awhile, and have certainly not forgotten her.”
“Well, we’ll try,” Jack and Sue said together.
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Time passes quickly at Children’s Garden. There’s certainly no room for boredom in this agency. And so two weeks were gone before I knew it, and it was time to make an appointment to visit the Braidon’s. I called and asked about a Thursday afternoon after the girls returned from day camp.
“That’d be wonderful, Miss Helen,” said Sue Braidon on the phone in response to my request. “And won’t you stay for supper and a bit after?” she asked.
“Sure, I’d love to,” I said. We talked a bit longer on the phone about the girls and how they were getting along. Sue reported that they seemed to be hitting it off very well and she felt that Katy was making friends who would be in school with her soon in September. She said her mother, grandmother to the girls, had bought each of them an American Girl doll, and that she had found one for Katy that looked a lot like her, and the books which came with the doll explained the story of a black girl living in the South during the Civil War. Katy had apparently really taken to the doll and the story, and she and Kim were really enjoying playing with the dolls together and with their friends. She also said Katy had discovered dance, and wanted to take both tap and ballet in the fall along with her gymnastics. I wondered if this was not a bit much, but Sue felt it important to allow her to explore all three. She said Kim was so busy with sports, track and girls’ basketball and all that she felt it was important for Katy to have these outlets as well.
“You’re going to be one busy chauffeur this fall,” I said. “See you Thursday about 4:30 then.”