Chapter 23
Pushing the Time Line
Shortly after school began in early September, I heard from Katy’s social worker that her county Social Services department wanted a report on how close we felt we were getting to formal adoption procedures. She too had visited Katy in her new home several times and had told her supervisor that she felt Katy was ready for the adoption and that we had succeeded in helping her become a healthy little girl in a grand home. While I was happy to receive her department’s positive feedback about Katy, our agency felt that it was still too soon for formal adoption to take place.
Katy had been living with the Braidons for only four months, though she had visited overnight for a couple months before that. Children’s Garden preferred to give both family and child at least eighteen months and sometimes two full years to weather the initial storms and reactions and to form a genuine and lasting attachment. County Social Services were under pressure from the State to get children off their welfare rolls. Consequently, they tended to move sometimes much too quickly. It was our job to try to get them to understand that what was in the best interest of the children was time to adjust long past the “honeymoon” stages, and to form a strong and lasting attachment. To not do so often jeopardized a placement and interrupted a little life once again – a failure none of us wanted.
My call to Pat Jelsun, the social worker to explain our position was anything but well received. She informed me that her supervisor was “into clearing the decks” and they had paid for expensive treatment and fees for Katy for well over a year, and that was long enough.
“Hey Pat," I cajoled, “you know yourself this child has already failed one adoption. If we move too fast, we’re going to scare her and she’ll bolt. I’m not sure she’d ever recover if that happened. Please get your supervisor to understand this is not a case of a child with one, or even two placements prior to this. In fact she was placed over 10 times in her first seven years. Her last foster placement separation was a heart breaker for Katy and the couple, and that adoption to the couple who trotted her off to Hawaii a total disaster. We really need to give her the time to learn to trust and to form a strong bond which will last her through a lifetime. This may be her last opportunity.”
My pleading fell upon deaf ears. I understood the pressure Pat was under, but I feared it might spell disaster for Katy and the Braidons. At the end of over an hour’s conversation, I was given two months in which to prepare Katy and her family for the final adoption in court. It was better than none, but it was going to be difficult.
I made an appointment with the Braidons and suggested that we talk before the next group meeting. I felt they were going to need a lot of support from the group and needed to know the timeline that Katy’s social workers had set up.
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My head was in turmoil as I drove to Strawberry Hill the next Friday. I had wrestled with the options all week, unsure whether to talk with the parents and Katy together or separately about the upcoming adoption procedures. I had finally decided it was best to do it with them together and attempt to handle whatever might come up.
The family welcomed me to their sunny kitchen and a glass of wine waited as they asked: “What’s happened that we have this unexpected pleasure so soon again?” asked Jack. He was perceptive and looked a bit concerned.
“I had a call from Pat Jelsun yesterday. It seems that her supervisor believes the time has come to finalize the adoption for Katy.” I waited for the reactions.
Katy ran into my arms, looked up at me and asked: “Miss Helen is it true? Is this really going to be my family forever now? Is it true I’m going to be adopted? When?”
I held her tight as I watched the two parents look at each other, seemingly astonished. Daughter Kim was also silent looking at them but I couldn’t read their thoughts.
After a few moments, Sue spoke: “Well, we are surprised it is all to happen so quickly. We’d been told by Children’s Garden we’d be in the training parents group for two years. This seems very sudden. And of course, we are delighted, but --” She looked somewhat pleadingly at her husband. He simply waited for me to respond.
“Yes, you will still be in our parent training group for the two years if you want to be. That’s our commitment to you and we will not break it. Timing of adoptions varies tremendously, and while we think this is a bit too soon for all of you, we don’t have much choice. Our date in court for finalizing the adoption has been set by San Francisco County as October 30th at 10 in the morning. Our director will be meeting with San Francisco County’s Social Service Director next week and will bring up the issue and a request for a change to at least six months, but we’re not very confident about getting any extra time.”
At this point, Katy was trembling in my arms and turned suddenly to Sue and Jack: “You don’t want me? You don’t -- I can hear it in your voice.” She sobbed and clung to me.
“No, no, Katy, that’s not true at all. Of course we want you now and and forever, and don’t you doubt it. It’s just that we feel we all need more time to get acquainte,-- to get things established.”
“ Get acquainted! I thought we’re acquainted enough!” Katy screamed and ran upstairs, Kim following closely behind her. “Wait Katy, wait for me -- I want you to stay forever. As she climbed the stairs, Kim was trying to comfort Katy. Her words faded as the girls got to the stop of the stairs and went into their room, slamming the door behind them.
Sue and Jack looked at me lost and confused as to what to do now. “Do we go up with them?” Jack asked.
“I’d let them be together for awhile alone,” I said, hoping I was right that the closeness between Katy and Kim would win the day and convince Katy that she should stay. I knew the tendency of these children who had been rejected over and over again to run when the adoption process was imminent.
“What are you thinking?” I asked the parents.
“Well, not really thinking much at all,” responded Sue. It just feels strange to have this come up so suddenly. We are very happy with Katy. We love her, and recently we’ve been pretty sure she’s learning to love us. But we do want to be sure and we want her to be sure as well. We’ve heard some pretty gruesome tales around the adoption process from a few of the parents in our group, and bluntly, well… it scares us a bit.”
“Yes, I am sure you have heard some difficult tales. Many kids have such conflicted feelings for their biological parents that though they may love their foster homes very much, they still have difficulty breaking the bonds they had with their biological parents, despite abuse and neglect for years. It’s often a difficult time for some of our kids. While I don’t believe there’s a real bond between Katy and her biological mother, she certainly did form an attachment to the last foster couple who wanted to adopt her and couldn’t. I’d be surprised that she has forgotten them and her love for them, though I am sure she also loves you. It just does seem very quick, and not really in her best interests or yours. However, I don’t have much hope in changing DSS’s decision. So I am hoping we can all get through this together.”
“All we can do, then, is try, I guess,” remarked Jack. “What exactly is entailed on our part?”
As I began to explain the California adoption laws and procedures to them, the two girls came in and sat at the table with us.
“Miss Helen, can I interrupt you?” asked Katy.
“Sure, Katy, if it’s important.”
“Oh it is important. I have to tell Mommy and Dad I am sorry that I screamed that at them. I just got so scared. Last time someone I loved wanted to adopt me, the social workers and the courts said no, and it scares me. It scares me somethin’ awful, it does.”
“Oh Katy, come here, sit on my lap,” Sue Braidon gestured while Buffy jumped up and barked.
The tension was broken and we all laughed. I knew it wasn’t the last time there’d be questions and concerns, but we were at least
over the initial hump.
Kim spoke up saying “I told Katy there’s nothing to be afraid of. She’s going to be here with us forever -- even after we’re grown up and maybe have kids of our own, we’ll still come back to see Mom and Dad. This will always be our home and Mom and Dad will always love us.” Kim ran to Katy and her mother, hugging them both fiercely.
“We couldn’t have said it any better, Kim,” remarked Jack. “That’s my girl.” He smiled and got up to join in the hugging. ”C’mon Miss Helen, you need to get in on this hugging.” I did indeed.
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The following week I received a phone call from Jack and Sue who were wondering about the fact that the Courts had assigned a special attorney to Katy, a “child advocate,” they said. While we had talked briefly about this, they had forgotten all about this part of the adoption process.
“Yes, that is expected, and the attorney will likely want to interview Katy at school away from home as well as at home with the family. Most child advocate attorneys are great folks and really do want what is in the best interest of the kids they are assigned to, so try to be friendly,” I said. “You will need to prepare Katy for this right away. It’s better to come from you than from me. “
“Oh, we were hoping you’d come over,” said Sue.
“I can, but really, it is time Katy worked more with you than with me in all these life decisions now. I hope you understand. I’ll be here for emergencies and back-ups, but you are good parents. You do it well -- and this is your child to do it with. Katy will be more and more secure as you take over,” I tried to reassure Sue and Jack.
“OK, we’ll work on that,” chimed in Jack. I thought I heard pleasure in his voice at being given permission to take over.
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Over the next month, I learned that Katy had taken well to her advocate attorney, and the family felt positive toward the experiences they had had with him. He had told them he would certainly go to bat for them when the time came for court – a time that was fast approaching as the fall set in. I would need to get my case notes together and write a report for the Court date myself. This was a chore I never relished though I often had to do it. It’s hard to be the “objective” reporter when you are as biased toward a child as I was toward our Nutmeg, but I would do my best.