condition, raised vapours in my headwith the mere apprehension: and, in these hurries of my soul, I knew notwhat my tongue might express: but it was rather exclamation, such as,"Lord, what a miserable creature am I! If I should be sick, I shallcertainly die for want of help; and what will become of me?" Then thetears burst out of my eyes, and I could say no more for a good while. Inthis interval, the good advice of my father came to my mind, andpresently his prediction, which I mentioned at the beginning of thisstory, viz. that if I did take this foolish step, God would not blessme; and I should have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglectedhis counsel, when there might be none to assist in my recovery. "Now,"said I, aloud, "my dear father's words are come to pass; God's justicehas overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me. I rejected thevoice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a station of lifewherein I might have been happy and easy; but I would neither see itmyself, nor learn from my parents to know the blessing of it. I leftthem to mourn over my folly; and now I am left to mourn under theconsequences of it: I refused their help and assistance, who would havepushed me in the world, and would have made every thing easy to me; andnow I have difficulties to struggle with, too great for even natureitself to support; and no assistance, no comfort, no advice." Then Icried out, "Lord, be my help, for I am in great distress." This was thefirst prayer, if I may call it so, that I had made for many years. But Ireturn to my Journal.
_June 28._ Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, andthe fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and terrorof my dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit of the aguewould return again the next day, and now was my time to get something torefresh and support myself when I should be ill. The first thing I didwas to fill a large square case-bottle with water; and set it upon mytable, in reach of my bed: and to take off the chill or aguishdisposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum intoit, and mixed them together. Then I got me a piece of the goat's flesh,and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about;but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a senseof my miserable condition, dreading the return of my distemper the nextday. At night, I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs; which Iroasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell: and this wasthe first bit of meat I had ever asked God's blessing to, as I couldremember, in my whole life. After I had eaten, I tried to walk; butfound myself so weak, that I could hardly carry the gun (for I neverwent out without that;) so I went but a little way, and sat down uponthe ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and verycalm and smooth. As I sat here, some such thoughts as these occurred tome: What is this earth and sea, of which I have seen so much? Whence isit produced? And what am I, and all the other creatures, wild and tame,human and brutal? Whence are we? Surely, we are all made by some secretpower, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky. And who is that?Then it followed most naturally, It is God that has made all. Well, butthen, it came on strangely, if God has made all these things, he guidesand governs them all, and all things that concern them; for the powerthat could make all things, must certainly have power to guide anddirect them: if so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of hisworks, either without his knowledge or appointment.
And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here,and am in this dreadful condition: and if nothing happens without hisappointment, he has appointed all this to befall me. Nothing occurred tomy thought, to contradict any of these conclusions: and therefore itrested upon me with the greatest force, that it must needs be that Godhad appointed all this to befall me; that I was brought to thismiserable circumstance by his direction, he having the sole power, notof me only, but of every thing that happens in the world. Immediately itfollowed, Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used?My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I hadblasphemed; and methought it spoke to me like a voice, "Wretch! dost_thou_ ask what thou hast done? Look back upon a dreadful misspent life,and ask thyself, what thou hast _not_ done? Ask, why is it that thouwert not long ago destroyed? Why wert thou not drowned in YarmouthRoads; killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man ofwar; devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa; or drowned_here_, when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost _thou_ ask whatthou hast done?" I was struck dumb with these reflections, as oneastonished, and had not a word to say; no, not to answer to myself; and,rising up pensive and sad, walked back to my retreat, and went over mywall, as if I bad been going to bed: but my thoughts were sadlydisturbed, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in thechair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as theapprehension of the return of my distemper terrified me very much, itoccurred to my thought, that the Brazilians take no physic but theirtobacco for almost all distempers; and I had a piece of a roll oftobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured; and some also thatwas green, and not quite cured.
I went, directed by Heaven no doubt: for in this chest I found a cureboth for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked for,viz. the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, I tookout one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which to this time Ihad not found leisure, or so much as inclination, to look into. I say, Itook it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to the table.What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, as to my distemper, norwhether it was good for it or not; but I tried several experiments withit, as if I was resolved it should hit one way or other. I first took apiece of a leaf, and chewed it in my mouth; which, indeed, at first,almost stupified my brain; the tobacco being green and strong, and suchas I had not been much used to. Then I took some and steeped it an houror two in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down:and, lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose closeover the smoke of it as long as I could bear it; as well for the heat,as almost for suffocation. In the interval of this operation, I took upthe Bible, and began to read; but my head was too much disturbed withthe tobacco to bear reading, at least at that time; only, having openedthe book casually, the first words that occurred to me were these: "Callon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee, and thou shaltglorify me." These words were very apt to my case; and made someimpression upon my thoughts at the time of reading them, though not somuch as they did afterwards; for, as for being _delivered_, the word hadno sound, as I may say, to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible inmy apprehension of things, that, as the children of Israel said whenthey were promised flesh to eat, "Can God spread a table in thewilderness?" so I began to say, Can even God himself deliver me fromthis place? And as it was not for many years that any hopes appeared,this prevailed very often upon my thoughts: but, however, the words madea great impression upon me, and I mused upon them very often. It nowgrew late; and the tobacco had, as I said, dozed my head so much, that Iinclined to sleep: so I left my lamp burning in the cave, lest I shouldwant any thing in the night, and went to bed. But before I lay down, Idid what I never had done in all my life; I kneeled down, and prayed toGod to fulfil the promise to me, that if I called upon him in the day oftrouble, he would deliver me. After my broken and imperfect prayer wasover, I drank the rum in which I had steeped the tobacco; which was sostrong and rank of the tobacco, that indeed I could scarce get it down:immediately upon this I went to bed. I found presently the rum flew upinto my head violently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked nomore till, by the sun, it must necessarily be near three o'clock in theafternoon the next day: nay, to this hour I am partly of opinion, that Islept all the next day and night, and till almost three the day after;for otherwise, I know not how I should lose a day out of my reckoning inthe days of the week, as it appeared some years after I had done; for ifI had lost it by crossing and re-crossing the Line, I should have lostmore than one day; but certainly I lost a day in my account, and neverknew which way. Be that, however, one way or the other, when I awaked Ifound myself exceedingly refreshed, and my spirits live
ly and cheerful:when I got up, I was stronger than I was the day before, and my stomachbetter, for I was hungry; and, in short, I had no fit the next day, butcontinued much altered for the better. This was the 29th.
The 30th was my well day, of course; and I went abroad with my gun, butdid not care to travel too far. I killed a sea-fowl or two, somethinglike a brand goose, and brought them home; but was not very forward toeat them; so I ate some more of the turtle's eggs, which were very good.This evening I renewed the medicine, which I had supposed did me goodthe day before, viz. the tobacco steeped in rum; only I did not take somuch as before, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over thesmoke: however, I was not so well the next day, which was the 1st ofJuly, as I hoped I should have been; for I had a little of the cold fit,but it was not much.
_July 2._ I