He sat in silence with his hands pressed together as in prayer, for a long time. “I must think about this message. You have given me a new perspective, Mr. Ambrosi. I would like to speak again,” he said with an air of finality that indicated that our conversation was at an end.
I rose from my seat and took my jacket from the back of the chair as I prepared to take my leave.
“One last question if I might, Sir,” he asked.
I nodded.
“What did you see when you looked upon Delilah Emerson for the first time?”
“I saw a lovely woman with eyes the color of a new copper penny. Sometimes the colors are beautiful.”
He nodded. “I saw misfortune. I saw a young woman trapped between two worlds. I pitied her when in fact I should have exalted her,” he sighed. “You must be closer to that light than I am, Mr. Ambrosi. I hope to meet you again perhaps you will come to Atlanta.”
* * *
I walked back to the boarding house alone in the darkness. It was quite late. I wished I were thinking about the conversation I’d had with the Reverend, but I was thinking about Delilah. I would have liked to apologize to her but she said she did not wish to see me again. I felt like I had the answer I needed from the Reverend, as he said, he was the tool of my father’s choosing. I could leave quietly and let the messenger do his task but I could not overcome the sense of disappointment.
I opened the door carefully, quietly. I did not want to disturb the other guests with my late return but the proprietress was still lingering behind the check in counter.
“Mr. Ambrosi, you have had a guest awaiting your return,” she whispered.
“A guest?”
“Yes, the young woman who came to pick you up this morning. She seemed quite anguished. I fear she may have fallen into sleep on the sofa,” the lady said pointing me in the direction of the lounge.
And there was Delilah.
I knelt before her and gently stroked her cheek as I whispered her name. She opened eyes fresh from a dream and she began to cry.
“I was afraid you were already gone. I waited so long. I don’t want you to leave, Carlowe. I think you know I have some feelings for you. I don’t know what to do about them. I tried to push you away, I tried to blame you, but I feel so awful.”
“Shh, do you want to come upstairs and we can talk through the night? Or I can take you home to wherever you are staying.”
“Where were you, Carlowe?”
“I was with the Reverend.”
“He is out of jail?” she asked sliding forward in her seat.
“I paid his bond. I wished to speak with him. I thought it would please you if he were free. I believe he is planning to go back to Atlanta. And I was going to leave because there was not a reason for me to stay any longer.”
Delilah shook her head slowly. “It’s so far away. I shall never find you again if you go. Forgive me, Carlowe. Please forgive me. I don’t know what to do with these feelings that I’ve never known before. I would like more time to talk with you, to be near you. I am afraid.”
“Afraid of me?”
“Afraid of wanting you. Afraid of losing you.”
“I will not lay a hand upon you if you are afraid of what might happen in my room.”
“I believe you. But when you kissed me Carlowe, for the first time I wanted to know what it would be like to have those sort of relations with a man.”
“You have never?”
Delilah shook her head.
“Why?”
“I could never believe a man would want something more than his own pleasure from the likes of me. I’m afraid of meeting a man like James and I’m afraid of being someone’s mistress. So yes, I withheld myself, Carlowe and I never let anyone touch me the way you did today. But then I was angry at myself for that moment of weakness, for liking how it felt and for wanting more. And I was very ugly to you when really I think you are wonderful.”
“So you are starting to fancy me?” I asked with narrowed eyes.
Delilah laughed. “Oh Carlowe, you make me crazy.”
“Would you come upstairs? I promise I will be a perfect gentleman.”
“Maybe you don’t have to be perfect, just slightly reserved.”
* * *
I held firm to my word and though Delilah lay beside me in my bed with her hand upon my chest, I did not make any attempt to satisfy my desires. I slept in short snippets of time and in those scraps of sleep I dreamt disjointed fragments of the past.
Seir, at the foot of the Red Mountains:
I sat upon a flat outcropping of rock with a small dagger, stripping a long straight branch of its bark. I was speaking to another.
“I feel your anger, Esau. First born and last loved by your mother. She deemed you unworthy upon the moment of your birth.”
“Is it a fault of my own that I was not born with a saintly countenance? Was she not the one who brought this creation to life? Why should she hate me so when I am only what she made me to be?”
“It is a question that cannot be answered.” I told him forthrightly as I smoothed the freshly cleaned wood and began to shape the ending to fit my hand.
“What do you know of it? I have never heard any word of your parentage in these many years that you have sat out here and fashioned perfect weaponry for me,” he scoffed.
“I am an imperfect son myself, banished from my home and the others of my kind.”
“Where?”
“Heaven.”
Esau laughed out loud. “Let me bow to you, Son of God!”
I did not like his sarcasm. I stood upon the rock and I exposed my true form for the only time in all of my ages upon the earth.
Esau’s eyes grew wide with fear. “It is truth. You are a fallen angel then?”
“No! I am not fallen," I said angrily. “I am expelled. I was made imperfect by the hand of the Father and rather than admit his mistake he cast me out to this place.”
Esau sat upon the ground at my feet. “You do not seem damaged. Why do you appear to me? What would you have me do?”
I startled awake before my answer only to fall into another glimpse of the past.
Upon the Banks of the River Nile:
He was no match for me and I knew that.
“I come to free my people from the terror of your reign, Set.” Asar said plainly.
“They will never be freed,” I answered factually. I might have turned away in indifference, but the strength of his soul and his conviction incited me and I wanted that Glory for my own.
The battle raged and he fought hard to maintain himself, but he had no chance of victory because I am unable to die.
“What evil sustains you, Set, that even the will of the Gods upon me cannot overcome?” he asked as his mortal body felt the pain of every swing of his weapon.
“I could give you leave to go recover yourself, Asar.”
“I will never be indebted to you. I will continue until your blood stains the sands here.”
“As you wish.” I shrugged in resolution. I am capable of killing. But I know that taking a life would void my claim upon the Kingdom of my Father and though he goaded me so, I would never succumb to the temptation.
I tore the Heavenly soul from the mortal body of Asar, took its Glory for my own and cast it back at my father leaving the mortal man defeated and empty upon the sand. He crumpled with exhaustion and loss. The others thought him dead and gave him to the water.
I felt the rending of the matching souls when I held Asar’s Glory in my grasp. His other half was left alone in grief. I heard her cry out in anguish when the body was found and hope was forever lost. The pair would never be rejoined until all the ages of men were ended and the gates of Heaven opened calling all the children of Glory home.
I could still hear the sound she made. I have made that cry myself.
I tried to remain awak
e. There was no rest in sleep, but sleep took me once again.
Germany, 1939:
“He does not like you. Trust me it would be in the best interest of that which you wish to succeed for you to remain mute.” I insisted.
“Like and dislike are of no meaning…”
“Don’t be a fool, Adolf,” I said warningly. “Il Duce would like to spit upon your grave rather than join hands with you. You had a friend he considered dear killed for very little purpose and now the consequence faces you. Let me handle this man.”
The furor was a man of great rage and little patience. He rose abruptly and stood nose to nose with me. “You think too highly of yourself, Reinholt. I would not be above removing even you.”
“Do not threaten me.” I said evenly, but with eyes gone to the color of a raging fire.
He laughed then. “Always so fierce. I do like when I can see that rage in your eyes. There is such power in you, my friend. Yes, I believe he will succumb to your suggestions. Make a pact of blood with him. If you must, use his blood to bind it.”
I shuddered violently, but could not seem to wake myself.
And then I heard the white dove singing. The sound was a balm, though I knew not if it was still a dream or if Evangeline came to comfort me.
CHAPTER 4: ALBANY, GEORGIA/ATLANTA, GEORGIA – JULY 13, 1962
“There is a very fine comfort in waking up beside someone you wish to see in the morning, is there not, Carlowe?”
Her dark hair hung freely across her shoulders and she wore only the silken slip from under her dress so every curve of her body was visible. “Comfort and pleasure, Delilah,” I answered. “I did not believe I would see you again when you walked out on me last evening. I wished dearly for a chance to apologize, but I did not think you would ever look upon me again much less hear my words.”
“You were telling me that it mattered more to me than it mattered to you, I think. You were telling me that I based too much of my self-esteem upon what I thought other saw instead of what I thought of myself. And you are correct, Sir. But I wanted a reason to be angry with you because I didn’t know how to feel the feelings I have. So I twisted your words.”
“You needn’t apologize to me, Delilah. I don't deserve it. Nor do I want you to feel guilt. I wish I were a man who could comfort your soul, but I am not. I have seen terrible things in my time…”
“We have both seen some terrible things, Carlowe. Maybe neither of us is capable of giving comfort, but maybe we understand each other and that is just as important. I was so badly behaved and yet you went out and did something you thought would make me happy even if I never saw you again and you never got the proper credit for it. There is some merit in good intentions.”
She lay quietly for a while and stroked my chest as I lay at peace. “You can touch me you know. You have been a perfect gentleman, but I think it would be nice to feel your touch.”
“Were you going to ask me to come to Atlanta or are you going to seduce me and run away?” I asked her seriously without looking her in the eyes. I did not know why it mattered to me. I could certainly persuade her to give herself to me. I could also take what I wanted and remove the memory if I chose. But when I met this soul last time, I tormented her because she wanted my submission and I would not give it. I told her I would violate her in the night but not give in to her games. In the end when she asked me something from her heart, I denied her because I was not capable of giving her the thing she wanted but she refused to understand and my denial rent her damaged soul.
I never saw her again.
I was not prepared for that ending again. I felt like I needed to let her know that it was not her that was lacking, it was me.
“If I asked you would you say yes?”
I rolled to my side and lay with my body pressed to hers. “There are very few things you could ask of me right now that I would refuse you.”
“Why Carlowe, are you beginning to fancy me?” she teased but she looked into my eyes and whatever the color she saw there made her run her hand up the length of my back and kiss me in a way that was both tender and passionate. “Come to Atlanta with me. Don’t deny me this wish,” she breathed into my ear.
“I will go with you.”
We left that very day.
The trip was only a few hours, but there was already news on the radio the Reverend had returned and he would be making a speech about the events in Albany. Delilah was determined to hear his words and to be honest, after having spoken to him directly I was eager to hear his speech as well.
She took me to her home. I was mildly surprised that she did not reside with her father. Instead she lived alone in a small apartment quite near the church.
“You might not want to unpack your things, Carlowe. I think our stay here will be short.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I say it because the Reverend has made the trip home to reassure his family that all is well. He will make a short speech from the safety of his own church. Then he will likely return to Albany to continue his cause.”
“You know his movements quite well.”
“I am part of his inner circle. It is an arrangement that benefits us both. If you are not comfortable with that I will recuse myself this time.”
“I will not ask you to do any such thing. I would like to hear more of his message. I do not know if he will take kindly to my presence.”
She smiled and ran her finger along my jaw line. “You don’t seem like a stranger to me, Carlowe. I’ve known you just a few days, but it seems like more. I am glad to have you here in my home.”
“I am glad to be here as well.”
We freshened up and we went to hear the speech. As Delilah predicted, it was short. He gave a brief synopsis of how nothing had been accomplished in Albany and how good people were still fighting their way through the courts as criminals for no other offense than hearing the spoken word. He recounted the issues the movement was aimed at rectifying and he joked about being evicted from jail.
He was quite talented at the podium. He was a perfect balance of conviction and righteousness. He gave the listeners fire and hope but left them with a touch of humor as well.
The reception after the speech was more insightful than I would have suspected. The Reverend welcomed Delilah and I warmly.
“Mr. Ambrosi, I have had some time to consider our conversation. I have thought upon many aspects of our discussion. I am glad to have the chance to speak with you again," he said shaking my hand.
But there were others who began to whisper. I could hear them. “Who is he? What is he doing here? What discussions have they had that we don’t know about? Is he from Washington?” There was a certain similarity to events that transpired upon the Mount of Olives. The Reverend had a loyal circle at hand to carry out his plans. They did not openly question him though reaching out with my spirit I could feel some doubters among them. They looked at Delilah as though she were Mary Magdalene, a sinner repented even though she had never done any of them harm. And they looked at me as though I were Judas.
And I understood why Delilah could not seem to escape her birthright, these people who would claim they wanted to erase the lines of distinction held their own prejudices rather tightly.
Discussions went late into the night.
I was surprised by how actively Delilah participated. It was as though this was her war and she strove to win it at all costs. She did not cow to these men who secretly scorned her, and when the Reverend told me she could be quite fierce I could now see his point of view.
But she wanted action. She wanted a bold stand.
The Reverend wanted a peaceful resolution. He wanted negotiations.
And I could actually feel her soul striving to lead the armies to war.
The Reverend addressed me directly. “Mr. Ambrosi, tell me where you stand, what do you see?”
“Your cause is too
broad,” I said flatly. “You have outlined a half dozen changes you wish to make in this one small place. You wish voting rights to be equally applied. You wish men to be released from jail. You wish total desegregation with no specific examples to follow or plan to enact. You are not just asking for bus seats or lunch counters where there are easy precedents to follow, you are talking a broad scale, in your face invasion and you wonder why they dig their heels in. You do not have even the total support of the African Americans there. The citizens of Albany surely see this movement as a bullying tactic and they will set about to thwart what they see as unreasonable. I say the movement is not feasible as it currently stands. It will be a failure in the end.”
“Why do you say that?” another asked angrily.
“It is simple logic. If I come to you and ask you to give me one dollar and I give you a well made, sound argument for why that dollar is absolutely necessary to my cause, it is likely I can get that dollar. If I come to demanding all the money in your wallet, with a mouthful of vague reasons for my demands, my words will feel more like threats, my request will seem like robbery and you will refuse me. But if I get that one dollar and a friendly handshake and well wishes upon my endeavor, I can come back to you when I have need again. Eventually, that relationship between us that has made a number of small changes for the better will see big results.”