Delilah glared at me a little.
The room erupted into various arguments.
I shook my head.
“You think they are behaving childishly arguing amongst themselves.” The Reverend said plainly.
“Yes.” I answered equally plainly as Delilah moved to my side. “If I want to rule the world, I must do it in small steps. I must conquer one country at a time and amass a great and powerful army behind myself. If I spread myself thinly without proper support in place I am easily crushed. But if I quietly take a country here and another there and every small battle is a victory and I can use that success to rally more people to my flag.”
“You are saying the vast number of causes is spreading us too thin in Albany and we should focus on just one important change and put all effort into just that one then when we have a victory we will have a stronger force behind us.” Delilah interpreted.
“Your point is valid, Carlo. I feel you might be right, but I fear inside that Albany may already be lost and if I back off as you suggest I admit defeat.”
“No. You needn’t ever admit defeat. You simply withdraw your attentions from that place. Attach yourself to a more carefully designed protest. Make it seem far greater than what you leave behind, make it your reason for turning your back on Albany. Hone every argument to just one single point and take your victory. Turning away from the battle that can’t be won to fight one where victory is assured is a valid tactic.”
“It is a well made argument,” he said.
“But you are not convinced that walking away from this lost cause is the right course of action.”
“Only because there are many still imprisoned unjustly.”
I nodded. I felt the strange aberration of his soul again. It seemed to almost revolve around him rather than emanate from within him. I wished to lay my hand upon him and see if I could feel the warmth of it as it struggled. It seemed to lend the man conviction, but he could ignore its message if he wished.
And as I watched the glow of it like a golden aura around him, I understood. This soul was given to him, not born unto him. Its hold was tenuous so even though it was mighty and he could feel the weight of it, it was secondary to his mortal instincts.
My fascination with this trick of my Father’s caused me to ignore what was going on in the room. His fight was not my fight. I cared only in so much as it affected Delilah. The Messenger was in place and the will of my Father was at work. There would be a price to pay for his hand in this matter and I did not wish to see the spilling of another chosen one’s blood. I might have thwarted him out of spite, but I refused to let my father goad me. There was not more I needed to know. My resolution to remain passive was made. And soon enough Delilah was making her timely goodbyes and drawing me along out the door.
“This was a long day, Carlowe. I will be glad for a good long rest tonight.”
“Will you go back to Albany when he does.”
“Yes.”
“You are quite interesting, Delilah.”
“Interesting. That’s something new,” she said as she wrapped her hand around my arm and we walked back to her home. “You made some very good points in there, Carlowe. I don’t necessarily like to hear them, but I agree with them. I get so wrapped up in wanting to win that looking at the small details is frustrating. But you are very wise in your knowledge of tactics. If the Reverend walked away from Albany and came back a few months later fresh off a victory they might hear him.”
“Possibly,” I nodded.
“Carlowe,” she began as she opened the door and pulled me inside. “Let’s not talk about it anymore tonight. Let’s just be a man and a woman for a while.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked as I sat down upon the edge of her bed.
“Quite sure,” she said as she began to undress before me. She bit her lip a little as she stood in all her glory before me. “Am I desirable?” she asked quietly.
“Very desirable.” I answered as I stood and trailed my fingers up her side. My mouth longed to be pressed to her breasts and I yearned to feel the warmth of her body joined to mine. I laid her gently upon the bed and undressed myself before her watching eyes. I could see eagerness and desire upon her, but there was some degree of fear as well. Whether she feared me or the act itself I did not know but as I touched her intimately she suddenly lifted my chin and looked into my eyes.
“Will it hurt?” she whispered.
“I will show you what pleasure feels like. If you wish me to stop you need only say so.”
“I don’t want you to stop,” she told me as she pressed her mouth to mine and let the passion she reserved for the battle find a new purpose.
I spread her legs gently and kissed my way down her body to the place no man had ever touched and she gasped and called out to me but she did not ask me to stop. Warmth radiated from her. It took all my will not to reach out and take the soul I felt within her. Instead I set my mind upon feeling that warmth surround me, letting it fill me as I found pleasure in her body. Her eyes grew wide with anticipation as I eased my way back up her body. A small scream escaped her as we became one and she clutched me tight to her. Her breath was close in my ear. She pressed her lips to my neck as I moved inside her, whispering to me with each movement.
“I never imagined this feeling. I never want this to end. If this is being a woman, Carlowe, I am ready to be all that I have denied. I want to be a woman for you.”
My body shook with pleasure given and taken. I heard her words in my head over and over. And I wondered to myself, what had I done. I had wanted only to soothe this soul I injured so deeply last time, but that was contrary to my own nature. Why had I wanted redemption from her so badly? And had I achieved it? I knew I could not stay in this life, I could not make a future here, this was not a planned existence and while I could sustain the façade for a time, it was not the same as living.
But Delilah wrapped her arm tightly across me and she slipped into the deep sleep that pleasure and comfort can bring.
And I knew that I was going to hurt her again.
Perhaps even worse this time, but I still did not wish to leave.
CHAPTER 5: ALBANY, GEORGIA – JULY 19 - 21, 1962
It was six days before these modern apostles ventured back to Albany. The evening before the trip the Reverend came alone to Delilah’s home to speak to us privately.
He refused repast in the interest of time and he set right to his point. “Carlo, you could be invaluable to me as a tactician. There are few among my people who can see with the sort of clarity you have and I know that is because they feel this message so deeply within themselves. There are others who wish to use me as an icon. I am the face of this civil rights movement. But there are many other movements. Others wish to have my blessing and my activism. To some extent I am a celebrity, a person of note, and my name carries a degree of weight so when the anti-war groups want me to speak out against violence, I want to lend myself to their cause. I want violence to end all over this great world, but it is like you said yesterday about spreading the armies too thinly. When you want too many things at one time you cannot give enough of yourself to the things that truly matter. I am only one man. I need someone like you to remind me of my purpose and keep me on the path the Lord has set before me. Can you do that?”
I leaned forward in my seat and pressed my fingers to my lips. This man was speaking to me, but was he really or was my father testing me? I ran my hands up through my hair and answered him slowly, giving my thoughts time to take shape. “No, Reverend, I cannot be what you need.”
He rose to his feet before me, a fire taking hold of him. “You came to me speaking of missiles and violence. You sold me on your notion of color being visible by the broken man and that there was no color in Heaven. I thought a man of the world would have more respect for the plight of the people…”
I could see The Messenger work
ing frantically trying to restrain the man’s tongue. I reached out and grabbed it right in front of his heart. The man gasped as though I were about to tear his heart from his flesh. I felt the pure power of what the Father set to work. The Reverend was correct it was nearly as heavy as if my father had set his own soul into this man and I knew in that instant whom I held in my hand. I was not speaking to the Reverend when I spoke again. “The Father gave you a task.” I hissed. “Your mission is not my mission. Do as you were meant to do.”
“He fights me,” he said quietly.
“You are his word and his voice. Find a way to prevail.”
“You could help me,” he whispered.
“Will my help open the gates?” I asked.
“No. But can mercy not be it’s own reward?”
I released him then. The backlash of our connection and his words stung me deeply. I had shown mercy only a few times in all my existence. I was in this place to hear a message only to find something that I felt a deep need to rectify and now The Messenger was asking me for mercy. I should have fled immediately. But I sat roughly down and sunk my head into my hands once again.
“What just happened?” The Reverend asked me cautiously.
I could not answer that question. “I will advise you, but not publicly,” I said at last. “You must be the face of this cause.”
We took measure of each other for a long moment. “I would not like to have you as an adversary, Carlo Ambrosi,” he said at last. Then he turned on his heels and walked out.
Delilah took stock of me when the door closed behind him. “Never have I seen any man speak to him so, Carlowe. Never have I seen him so meek. You are something more than you seem.”
In the morning we made the trip.
There was some sort of fear or dread within me and my true self was longing for release, even brief release. The urge to spread my wings and fly from that place was strong. But still I did not feel satisfied. There was something that had to be done in atonement to that rent soul. There were not other souls upon this Earth that I met and left as they were. I had never met one in recurrence because I never left one who knew me intact. But the spirit inside her was already dying last time we met and there seemed no reason to tear it away when it hardly had the warmth to sustain itself. I left it to suffer that withering. It may have seemed like I did her a favor leaving her rent but whole when in reality it would have been a greater mercy to send her back home. And now I was faced with that decision again it seemed. I could easily have torn it free and it sent back to Heaven, but I knew that was not the answer. The act would keep her from me through all the remaining ages of man, but it would not give her the explanation.
It would not take away the curse she laid upon me.
We took a room together and we escaped to that private place near the water where the world seemed a long way away and all that mattered was holding her in my arms and hearing the way she laughed. We did not discuss activism or religion. We did not talk about war or causes or callings. We merely touched.
And there was comfort.
* * *
When morning came again I was actually sleeping.
I didn’t require sleep. I very rarely found the tranquility necessary to actually fall into a sound sleep, and on the occasions that I did manage to lay at rest more often than not, my tenuous peace was disrupted by memories I could not escape. However this one time, I was pleasantly awakened by the morning sunshine and the gently stroke of Delilah’s hand across my chest. I pretended to be asleep longer than I actually was just so she would continue.
“You’re awake. Your eyes are fluttering,” she said as she kissed my shoulder.
“No, I am still dreaming.”
“You’re not dreaming, Carlowe,” she laughed.
“It’s a good dream. I wish to continue dreaming it.” I admitted with my eyes still pressed closed.
“As do I.” Delilah whispered. She was quiet for quite a long time. I was beginning to think she’d fallen back into sleep. But at last she spoke again. “May I ask you something, Carlowe?”
“You may ask anything you like.”
“Have you ever thought about settling down and having a family?”
I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Delilah…”
“I never thought about it. I guess I scorned people with children. I told myself I would never want to bring a child into this awful, turbulent, violent world. How could I teach a child love and tolerance when I don’t have those skills myself? I told myself I would never marry because I was never going to be at the mercy of a man. I told myself I was afraid of men because of what happened to my mama, even though my daddy is a wonderful man. I told myself no man was ever going to want me anyway because of what I am. I told myself stories and I believed those stories.”
“Why would you choose to believe those things, Delilah?”
She sighed. “I think maybe I told myself that I was afraid of this world as an excuse for being afraid of living. I made myself a little castle and I secluded myself in the tower so I would never get hurt. And I did that because being a woman was a very sore spot for me. If I had been born a son, the world would have treated me differently. But women are weak. My daddy tried to protect me from every injustice in the world, Carlowe, be it school or society. He loved me like I filled his world but he handled me like I was damaged by what I saw as a child. He could not make that go away so he tried to make my world safe.
But I heard the Reverend speak. I heard that injustice was not mine alone to hoard. That many people have felt the pain of loss simply for being born with a certain skin color. And then suddenly I wanted some vengeance on this world and those people who walked right by as my mama died in the street. I wanted those police who wrinkled their noses at me to feel shame. So I joined this cause.”
“Are you happier having a purpose?”
“I was.”
“But you are not any longer?” I asked.
She was quiet again for a long time and I leaned up a bit to look at her.
“I want to simply be a woman now,” she answered softly.
“You are a woman, Delilah.”
“No, don’t you see, Carlowe, I can put on a fancy dress and fix my hair pretty. I can look like a lady, but that is not the same thing as being a woman. I told myself that I was fierce and strong. I told myself I’d rather fight for a cause than sit at home raising children. And maybe that had some truth, I want change to happen. But I was afraid to be a woman and have feelings like a woman, and have vulnerabilities like a woman.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you have made me want to be a woman. I would be a woman for you, Carlowe.”
The words rang in my mind even as she continued to speak.
“…I would have your child,” she said looking at me with something like fear and hope in her eyes.
In that instant I could actually feel my eyes go dull. “I can’t give you what you want, Delilah,” I said quietly.
She was quiet for a long time. I felt her anger and grief for a moment but then she contained it. She sat up and spoke coolly, dispassionately when words finally made their way to her lips. “Was it all just talk, Carlowe? Was all your discourse about how mixing of colors does not make one an outcast, but a child of the world just rhetoric? Am I not good enough? Am I not woman enough, to carry your child?”
I sat up beside her. “No, that is not my meaning, Delilah. Look at me.”
“I don’t know if I want to do that right this moment.”
“Do my eyes lie to you?”
“I didn’t think they did.”
“Look at me.” I asked again. And to my surprise, she did. “I am not a good man like your father. I have seen terrible things and wished vehemently for the ending of this cruel world. I came here to hear The Messenger, and I found something I was not e
xpecting. I could stay here with you. I could steal you away to any part of the world. But I cannot give you a family. I cannot make that sort of bond.”
“Can’t or won’t?” she asked in that voice that spanned the ages of men.
I lay back into the pillows and my eyes watched the morning light refract through the crystals on the ceiling fixture. Tiny rainbows dotted my vision and I gave her the answer I was reluctant to give but knew she needed to hear. “Delilah, even if it were the greatest wish of my heart, I could not give you what you ask of me. I am incapable of fathering a child. It is a malady I cannot change anymore than I can stop my eyes from betraying my thoughts.” I said softly.
“Forgive me, Carlowe. Oh please forgive me,” she gasped. “I should not have pushed you like that. My pride is a terrible burden. I become defensive even when there is no slight. And now I have hurt you. As you say, this world is a cold place and it has made me its product.”
“You should fly from me, Delilah. You deserve that sort of life and a man who will fill your needs.”
“Why would I do that?” she asked as she slid her body atop mine and looked deep into my eyes. “I never thought I would desire a life with a man. I never thought I would meet a man that I would feel this sort of yearning and passion and respect for, a man who made me respect myself. I would have born your child because when you look at me you see something no one else sees, Carlowe, but I don’t need a husband and a family to feel complete. I just want to be with you because you make me feel good about the person I am,” she finished and she kissed me more tenderly than I would ever have expected. There was more warmth in her than I had felt in all these days as if her soul had found some joy in knowing it was never her failing.
* * *
The crowd was more swollen than I had seen it at any of the Reverend’s prior speeches. Of course I had only been to a very few, but this seemed overwhelming. I felt the vile stirrings of trouble that I had felt in that last life and I came to associate with violence and death.
Delilah was delighted. So much so that she nearly shook with anticipation.