“Darts? Pool?” I knew better than to suggest a game of ping pong. “Whatever you want.”
“You know what I want? For you and me to stay just like this.”
“On a sagging couch with an obnoxious flower pattern?” I asked, and she laughed, just like I hoped she would.
“No.” Emily moved her arm and laid her head down on me. “I meant happy.”
Long-Distance Relationship Tip #38:
Be like a proton.
Stay positive.
Shit.
I frantically turned the raincoat over and patted down the pockets, shaking it out and hoping the hat would fall onto the deck of the ferry.
Shit!
The hat was missing, and I knew it had to be hanging on the hook in Melanie’s mudroom. The rain had stopped by the time I left, so I’d just grabbed the jacket and draped it over my arms on my walk back to the ferry. I didn’t even notice the hat wasn’t tucked inside the coat. Nolan was going to kill me.
I tried to think of my options, none of which were very good and all of which involved either having to tell George or having to tell Nolan.
Left the hat at Luke’s, my bad, I texted to Nolan, cringing as I waited. The message’s status went from delivered to read. Immediately, Nolan’s name flashed onto my screen. I dreaded the lecture I was about to get, but I answered anyway.
“You’re lucky,” he told me before I could even say hello.
“I’m not feeling so lucky.” I held my other hand over my ear so I could hear him above the groan of the ferry’s engine.
“The Vineyard Shipyard called. They need a boat part today, and apparently we’re the only ones who have it.”
I guessed that was good news, but I didn’t see how it would keep George from going ballistic on me when he found out his hat wasn’t in his boat. “And that helps me how?”
“I’m taking George’s boat and heading over there to drop it off,” Nolan explained. “Have Luke bring it to the shipyard. Where are you?”
“On the ferry back. We should be docking in ten minutes.” Luke could probably ask Sam for a ride to the shipyard, but I had a better idea. “Why don’t I go with you and I’ll run and get the hat.”
“Fine. Stay there when you get in, and I’ll pick you up in the boat.”
Two surprises in one day.
“Deal.”
• • •
By the time we got back to Edgartown, the skies were a smooth, cool blue without a single cloud spoiling the sun as it prepared to go down for the day. Nolan told me I had to be back at the boat in thirty minutes so we could make it across Vineyard Sound before it was too dark. The one benefit of riding my bike to work was that I could actually run a good distance before I had to stop to catch my breath. As soon as Nolan docked the boat, I left him to his delivery and sprinted toward Melanie’s house, avoiding the random puddles that still hadn’t dried.
Even in my flip-flops, I managed to make it to Melanie’s in decent time.
The door behind the front screen was closed, but I noticed that, even though the SUV was gone, the Jeep was parked in the driveway.
I knocked on the doorframe and hoped Luke would answer so I could see the look on his face when he realized it was me. If he wanted surprises, you couldn’t get any more unexpected than this.
I rapped my knuckles on the door one more time and put my ear up against it to listen for footsteps. When I didn’t hear any, I decided to go around back to see if I’d have better luck.
The back door was open, and I jiggled the screen door handle to see if it was locked. It wasn’t.
“Hello?” I cupped my hands around my eyes and peered through the screen into the kitchen. I could see two glasses on the kitchen table, each one half full.
“Anyone home?” I tried again, but there was no response.
I guess that’s one of the downsides of surprising someone—they don’t know you’re doing it. Luke probably went somewhere with Charlie or Melanie after he got home from his PT appointment. Even if I wouldn’t get to see him, I still needed to find that hat.
I decided to let myself in and take a quick look in the mudroom.
It wasn’t hanging on the hook, which would explain why I forgot it in the first place, and also why my heart was pounding. My mom would assume my rising blood pressure was a result of breaking and entering a house when no one was home, which was not only illegal, but incredibly rude. Actually, it was the thought of having to tell George that I’d not only worn his foul weather gear without asking, but I also lost it. I was about to give up when I spotted a yellow strap poking out from under a pile of beach towels on the bench under the coat hooks.
I grabbed it and a yellow, brimmed hat followed. Bingo!
Now it was time to hightail it back to Nolan before Melanie came home and found me rummaging around her mudroom like a burglar. I placed the towels exactly as I found them and backed out of the mudroom, making sure it didn’t look like someone had ransacked the room. As I closed the kitchen door behind me, I heard noises coming from the direction of the boathouse. It had to be Luke.
Nolan was expecting me back on the boat in fifteen minutes, so I had to make it quick if I was going to surprise Luke and still make it back in time. He’d seemed to appreciate my ridiculous hat when I was skipping up the walkway in the rain, so I put it on and quietly walked toward the boathouse, crouching down as I snuck up to the side window so I could pop up and yell, Surprise!
Through the sheer, checkered curtains in the window, I could see two people inside—two bodies bent over the pool table, one of them in a bright red tank top that had a big, white plus sign on the front, announcing that whoever was wearing it could swim three hundred yards and perform CPR.
The gauzy checkered curtains let me see just enough to recognize Luke, but I couldn’t see the other face. Luke stood behind her, his body shadowing her silhouette as their arms overlapped and his hands rested on top of hers. He shifted their arms as he helped her align the single pool cue resting between their fingers. “One, two,” Luke counted, sliding the cue between their hands, strands of curly blond hair falling on the green felt as they rocked back and forth together.
I watched through the curtains and held my breath. You would have thought I’d be prepared for this. I’d certainly thought about it enough. Imagined how I’d react, what I’d do. By now, I should have been throwing open the door, yelling, screaming, cursing at Luke.
Instead, I couldn’t move.
It was really happening.
“Three,” Luke called out, but instead of hearing the crack of the cue ball scattering stripes and solids over the table, I saw a headful of blond curls turn toward my boyfriend and kiss him.
I clutched my stomach and doubled over and my hat fet into the grass beside my feet.
I had no words. There was no air in my lungs, and no sound in my throat. There was only the urgent need to run away.
I scooped up the hat and ran across the backyard, away from the boathouse, away from Luke and the fuzzy image of Sam turning to kiss him. I ran faster, as fast as I could until my legs couldn’t carry me any farther, and then I collapsed on the ground beside a row of hedges lining the sidewalk, droplets of this afternoon’s rain still clinging to its shiny green leaves. Then, for the first time, I looked back.
I didn’t expect Luke to run after me; he hadn’t even known I was there. Even if he did, he could hardly walk, let alone take off after me. He couldn’t catch me even if he wanted to.
I kneeled next to the hedge and clutched the hat hard against my chest, my stomach rising and falling in shallow, convulsive pulses. I shouldn’t have been shocked, really. I knew this would happen. I’d practically predicted it.
I felt the bile rising in my throat, warm and sour. Tears blurred my vision until there was no way to keep them from springing loose, and as they tumbled down my cheek, I threw up into a row of Edgartown’s most perfectly manicured hedges.
I had two choices: I could continue running
away, or I could return, open the boathouse door, and face Luke, even if it meant facing the fact that we had come to an end.
For the first time, I realized, truly realized, what it felt like to believe you knew someone and then discover you were wrong. I knew what it felt like to be Luke when he found out about the guide. I knew what it was like to be Josie and Lucy when they found out I hadn’t been honest about my feelings for Luke. I wasn’t angry, although I knew that would come later. I was empty.
I stood up straight, wiped my mouth with the back of my arm, and inhaled the sweet Vineyard air one last time. I knew I wouldn’t be coming back.
Long-Distance Relationship Tip #41:
If you tell him you love him
and he doesn’t repeat it back, don’t freak out.
He’s a guy, not a parrot.
“Shit.” I dragged the back of my hand across my lips, as much an attempt to keep Becca from trying to kiss me again as to try to wipe away what just happened.
“Shit?” Becca backed away from me until she bumped against the pool table. She steadied herself on the edge. “That’s not exactly the reaction I was expecting.”
The pool cue was still in my other hand, and I kept it there between us, like a line she shouldn’t cross.
One minute, I was showing Becca how to bank a shot into the corner pocket without sinking the eight ball, and the next thing I knew, she was trying to kiss me. Well, not exactly trying—she was actually doing it. “Look, I don’t know what to say.”
“I guess I thought…” Becca bit her lip and looked toward the door, like she wished she could make a quick escape. Instead, she moved over to the sofa and dropped down onto the furthest cushion. The entire time she covered her mouth with her hands, the same way girls do in horror movies when they realize they shouldn’t have opened the basement door to find out where the creepy noise was coming from.
“That was really dumb. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She talked into her hands, but I could still understand what she said, and what she really meant—she wanted to forget this ever happened.
Now I felt horrible. I mean, it was barely a kiss. It couldn’t have been a few seconds before I pushed her away. No harm, no foul.
I laid the cue stick down on the felt.
“It’s not that I don’t think you’re great and all. I just wasn’t expecting that.” I didn’t want her to think I meant she should try again, now that I would be expecting it, so I added, “You know about Emily, right?”
“Yeah, but… I’m sorry. This is mortifying.” This time, Becca hung her head in her hands and I felt even worse.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Sam stood in the doorway watching us.
Becca looked up at me, and we exchanged a look that we both quickly understood.
“Nothing,” we answered in unison.
Sam cocked her head to the side like she knew we weren’t telling her the truth. But instead of continuing to grill us, she must have decided it wasn’t worth figuring out what it was, because she handed Becca a bottled water.
“Here.” She held the other bottle in my direction, but when I reached for it, she pulled it back. “Nothing, huh?”
I shook my head. “Nope. My water?”
Sam put the bottle in my outstretched hand. “Whatever you say. I just think it’s odd that I head into the house to go to the bathroom and get us some water, and when I come out, I see Emily sprinting through the backyard.”
“What? Emily was here?” There was no way. Why would Emily be here? “Are you sure it was her?”
“I think I know what Emily looks like. She took off up the side yard, toward the street. And she was carrying some crazy yellow hat.”
“She never said she was coming back,” I started, and then realized the least of my problems was figuring out why Emily didn’t tell me she was returning. It was what Emily thought she caught me doing with Becca.
“Do you think she saw us?” Becca asked me, but I couldn’t even answer, because my brain was already trying to figure out what to do next. I obviously couldn’t go running after her with my crutches, and I wasn’t even sure where she was headed if I could.
“Saw what?” Sam looked from Becca to me and back to Becca. “What’s going on? And don’t tell me nothing.”
“I did something dumb,” Becca started, her eyes pleading with Sam to help her explain what had happened. “I mean, I thought you said…”
Becca didn’t finish explaining, but suddenly I got it. I couldn’t believe Sam would do something like this. “You told her it was okay?”
Sam stepped back against the wall, as if I’d offended her or something, like she was the victim here. “Wait, how am I to blame?”
Becca saw an opportunity to not be the bad guy and she took it. “I thought you said they weren’t really together.”
I guess Sam would do something like this. “You told her that?”
Still, Sam wasn’t backing down. “That’s not what I meant. I meant Emily was there and you were here, and who knows?”
“Jesus, Sam.” My hands flew to my head and I grabbed fistfuls of hair as I tried to make sense of what the heck was going on. “What the hell were you thinking?”
Becca sat there, her eyes bouncing back and forth between me and Sam, like she was a spectator waiting to see who would make the winning shot of a tennis match.
“I didn’t mean she should make a move on you,” Sam told me, and then turned to Becca. “I didn’t tell you to make a move on him, did I?”
“Well, no…” Becca looked pained and like she wished she was anywhere in the world except in the middle of this situation.
I actually felt bad for her. This wasn’t her problem. It was mine. And Sam’s. “You know what, Becca, this isn’t your fault. Maybe you should go.”
Becca didn’t try to convince us she should stay—or waste any time on her getaway. “Okay, sorry, I hope everything works out.”
As soon as we saw Becca pass by the window, Sam started to argue her case. “I swear, I didn’t tell her to try anything with you. She was asking me about you and if you had a girlfriend, and I told her you were apart for the summer.”
“That’s bullshit, Sam, and you know it.” I wasn’t going to let Sam get away with acting like it was no big deal or not her fault. It was a big deal. And her fault.
“I didn’t know what she was going to do.” Sam placed her hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off.
That was the thing about knowing someone almost your entire life. You knew when they were full of shit. “You may not have known what she would do, Sam, but you knew what she might do.”
Sam exhaled loudly, like she was getting ready to admit defeat. “Hey, I’m sorry, really. Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“Maybe? How about definitely.”
She reached for the unopened bottle of water Becca had left on the edge of the pool table and unscrewed the cap. “I don’t get how you can just forget about what she did to you. It was way worse than what just happened here.”
“You don’t have to get it And I don’t have to convince you of anything. What I have to do is talk to Emily. And you’re going to help me explain what happened with Becca.” I took out my phone and called Emily. I was sent straight to voicemail. “Shit.”
Sam took a long drink of water and watched me knock my crutch against the wall as I tried to think of what to do next.
“Give me your phone.” I held out my hand and Sam put her phone in it. I dialed Emily’s number and hoped she’d answer an unrecognized call from New York. It rang and rang without Emily picking up. “Fuck.”
“Text her,” Sam suggested, and that’s what I did.
I watched as my message changed from delivered to read.
Sam came over and peered over my shoulder as we waited for the response.
Call me, I typed. I need to talk to you, it wasn’t what you think.
We both watched my screen and waited for a reply.
There was
none.
“Maybe she’s already blocked you.” Sam left my shoulder and went over to the dart board, where she removed three darts and brought them over to me.
“What the fuck? It’s not bad enough I have to deal with this knee shit, now this?”
“Here.”
“What am I supposed to do with those?” I asked.
“Throw them? It might help.”
I took the darts from Sam and aimed one at the board, where it didn’t land anywhere near the bullseye. And it didn’t help at all.
I held the other two darts, digging the plastic fins into the palm of my hand as I squeezed them tight.
This was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid, only this time, I didn’t actually do anything wrong. Even if Emily was willing to talk to me, even if she listened and understood what really happened with Becca, there’d still be the last time. The time I did do something wrong. It wasn’t just what I’d done that night, but what I’d continued to do every day since—let Emily believe she was the only one who’d made a huge mistake.
Long-Distance Relationship Tip #44:
Not everyone needs to know that you’re in a long-distance relationship.
If that’s the most interesting thing you have to talk about,
you have bigger problems.
For three days, I ignored every unrecognized or unknown number that showed up on my phone. I blocked Luke’s number because I didn’t want to hear his explanations or excuses for what I saw in the boathouse. I didn’t want to read his texts, or even worse, hear his voice, listen to the person I thought I knew break my heart over and over again.
He did have a secret, and I knew what I’d found. Luke and Sam. Together.
I hadn’t said much on the boat back to the marina, and Nolan must have realized I’d meant it when I’d said I didn’t want to talk about what happened, because he hadn’t asked any questions.