“A trained professional—”
“She has sessions with her physical therapist all the time right here. But nobody, Lisa, nobody else knows Mac the way I do.”
Lisa sighed. “You always have felt like no one can possibly do things as well as you.”
“And all of a sudden you can?”
“The whole city is handicapped accessible. She would have the best of everything. Every advantage money can buy. Museums. Culture. The finest schools in addition to superior medical care.”
“So we’re back to money again, are we? I can damned well support my own daughters! They’ve got a roof over their head. Plenty to eat. Clothes on their backs. But most of all they know when they need me I’ll be right here.”
Lisa fidgeted with the diamond ring on her finger. It was the size of a goddamned gumball. How had he missed seeing it?
“Cash, I’ve grown up a lot the last two years. When I left, those first few months it was a relief not to have to face the mess our marriage had become. A relief not to hear Mac screaming and not be able to stop her pain. I know you think I was weak, a coward, a terrible mother. I thought so, too. Then I started to miss the girls terribly.”
“All you had to do was pick up the phone,” Cash said, bitter. “You didn’t.”
“I was ashamed. Have you ever made a mistake that horrified you so much you could never forgive yourself?”
What the hell could he say? “You know I have.”
“I started therapy with a really gifted psychologist. Wanted to sort through all the wrong turns I had taken, figure out how my life got so tangled up. She’s the one who suggested I talk to John about Mac. It was hard, Cash, to be honest with myself, get all the ugliness out in the open. But in time I came to realize how much I love my children.”
Cash gave a snort of dismissal.
“I know you think I don’t deserve MacKenzie,” Lisa said. “And maybe you’re right. But maybe what we should both consider is what she deserves. And which one of us can best give it to her.”
Cash reeled inwardly, trying to imagine Mac gone. Not waking her up every morning, seeing that grumpy face she always made. Not dressing her and buckling her into her wheelchair. No more battles, trying to get her to fight her way up to her feet. His life would be so much easier, a dark voice whispered. Not to have all that responsibility on his shoulders.
No. What his life would be was unbearable.
“We can fight this all out in court if we have to,” Lisa said, “but I hope we don’t have to put the girls through it.”
Lisa? The voice of reason? Cash wanted to puke.
“All I’m asking you is this, Cash. Just think about it. I’m going to stay at March Winds tonight. Maybe we can meet for coffee tomorrow and discuss this further.”
She was staying at the local B&B Deirdre Stone and her sister-in-law ran? Terrific. Cash wanted Lisa as far away from town as possible.
“If tomorrow is too soon, we can talk when I pick them up a week from Friday.”
“What do you mean a week from Friday?”
“I’ll be taking them on every one of my visitation days from now on. And their next summer vacation. John’s lawyer says the court should award me at least two months.”
Two months? Just these few days without his kids had left Cash ragged.
“Lisa…don’t do this. Those girls are my life.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “That’s why I plan to leave Charlotte with you when MacKenzie moves to Chicago.”
“Separate the girls?” He tried to imagine the damage that would do. Cash flashed back to the years before the split. How Lisa had doted on MacKenzie. The baby she’d actually wanted, maybe hoped would fix their floundering marriage. He couldn’t help but feel Lisa’s rejection of their oldest child like a boot in the stomach.
“That’s the arrangement I’d like to propose,” Lisa said. “Believe it or not, Cash, I’m not trying to ruin your life. I want custody of MacKenzie so I can focus all my energy on her while she’s learning to walk. The advantages I can give her…”
“And you’re going to explain all this to Charlie how?”
“She spent most of the visit up in the loft bedroom because her sister couldn’t follow her up the ladder.”
“That’s what kids do. Try to ditch younger siblings. I tried to ditch my little brothers all the time.” Not that his mom had let him get away with it very often.
“Well, then think how happy she’ll be when we sort this out. Her sister in Chicago, and her, here with you. Unless you don’t want custody of Charlie.”
Cash’s rage broke free. “You’re right, Lisa,” he shouted in cutting sarcasm. “I don’t want either of my kids. It’s too much trouble. I want to do what you did and take two goddamn years off to do whatever the fuck I want to.”
He spun around and kicked the kitchen chair. It careened across the floor, smashing into the stove with a hellacious clatter.
He didn’t hear the tiny cry a dozen yards from the window Rowena had opened earlier to clear that new paint smell from the house. Didn’t see Charlie drop the football she’d been tossing to Destroyer as her whole wide world fell apart.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LISA WAS LONG GONE and the girls were finally sleeping when Cash loaded the dog crate in the back of Rowena’s van, the pug puppies completely exhausted after their day in his backyard. Cash shut the hatchback, then noticed Destroyer’s mangled football lying forgotten beside the fence. He picked up the dog’s favorite toy and turned it in his hands, feeling chewed up and spit out himself after Lisa’s little announcement.
“She wants custody of Mac,” he told Rowena flatly.
“What?” Rowena paled, her eyes stark with disbelief, pain. Hell, she looked almost as rotten as he felt.
“She’s got some specialist in the city who says he can get Mac on her feet faster than we can here. I can keep Charlie, as far as Lisa’s concerned, but she’s going to fight me for Mac. In court if necessary.”
“Well, she can’t have Mac!” Rowena protested, every bit as stricken as he was. “You’re the one that child depends on, Cash. Every moment of every day. You’re her rock.”
“Am I?” Cash leaned his back against the car and stared up at the stars. Dawn was just starting to scrub them out. “Right now I feel like I’m anything but. What if this doctor of Lisa’s is right? What if moving to Chicago would mean…” He hesitated, faced a possibility too painful. “You come from a family of doctors, Rowena. What if I’m just being a selfish bastard keeping her here and I’m denying my little girl her best chance?”
“Has she been to any of the university hospitals? Seen any specialists in the past?”
“Right after the accident they life-flighted her to Iowa City. She had two of her surgeries there. That’s when we hooked up with Dr. Malley. Everyone said he was the best.”
“What did he say?”
“He said people heal in their own time.”
“I’ve seen that with animals, too.” Rowena nodded, so earnest. “You try to rush them and it sets them back instead of pushing them forward.”
“I push, Rowena.”
“Sometimes. But mostly, you love her, encourage her. Believe in her.”
Cash looked away. “I can’t just dismiss this new prognosis as crap. No matter how much I want to.”
“If you want to have this new doctor of Lisa’s checked out, fine. I can call Bryony. She’s tough to impress. But even if there is merit to what this doctor is suggesting, Mac moving in with Lisa isn’t the only way to make that work. I can help you get her to the city for treatment. My mom would be thrilled if I were driving to Chicago more often.”
“No, she wouldn’t, if you were ferrying my kid there. And she’d have every reason not to be. You’ve already done too much for my family.” He must have looked like hell. Rowena slid her hand down his arm, the shirt he’d grabbed after Lisa left rippling under her touch.
“That’s my decision to make. I k
now all this upheaval is hard, Cash, but you’re going to have to pull it together. Charlie suspects that something is going on. She barely even looked at the puppies. Or me.”
Cash heard the hurt in Rowena’s voice. Charlie had been wary of Rowena, that old, haunted look in his little girl’s eyes. No—not the old expression at all. Something new pinched Charlie’s pale face: shock, pain, as if Destroyer had suddenly wheeled around to bite her. She’d shut Rowena out completely and she didn’t trust Cash at the moment either. He’d felt plenty rotten himself when Charlie had posted a KEEP OUT sign on her bedroom door an hour before. Even when he’d knocked, asking her to let him in, she’d stubbornly refused.
I got to think and I think better when I’m alone. Her muffled reply made him wince. The words could just as easily have come out of his mouth. He’d always been one to withdraw, sort things out. Maybe that’s why the last two years were so hard. There had been no time, no safe place to do either.
He’d give Charlie some space, and they could talk more in the morning. By then, maybe he would have figured out what to say.
“I know Charlie’s acting strange,” he reasoned, “but she was just surprised to find you in my bathrobe. That’s a lot for a nine-year-old to handle.”
“Too much right now, with everything else going on.” Rowena looked so wistful he reached for her. She slid into his arms, fitting against him as if she belonged there forever. “I think I should stay away for a while, Cash,” she said, leaning her cheek against his chest. “Give the three of you time to sort this out.”
“No.” Cash held on tight. “Charlie will get used to us being together in time. Everyone in Whitewater is going to have to.”
“What?”
“I realized one thing for certain tonight.” He hesitated, the words feeling so important it was hard for him to say them aloud. He took her chin between his fingers and forced it up so she was looking right at him. “Rowena, I’m in love with you.”
God, it felt good to say it out loud. Scary as hell, but good.
Cash held his breath, waiting. He knew she loved him, but he needed to hear her say it. Needed to know she was as far past the point of no return as he was. What would it feel like? To love a woman and know she loved you back?
Rowena looked so shaken it terrified him. “What’s that thing lying on the grass?”
“What?” Cash drew back, confused, a little irritated. He’d just told her he loved her, and it was as if she hadn’t even heard him. She was pulling out of his arms, opening the gate and hurrying toward some object that caught the light’s beam with a metallic glimmer.
Cash followed her and scooped up the thing before she could reach it, in case it was something sharp—the lid of a tin can, a dangerous piece of metal. When he turned the object over in his hand, he frowned. “It’s a weird thing for somebody to drop,” he said, glancing up at her alarmingly pale face. “It’s a can opener.”
“It’s Charlie’s,” Rowena whispered. “I gave it to her. I saw her climb up to the tree house and put it in her survival kit with my own eyes.”
“She must be plenty mad,” Cash said, “throwing it out like she did.”
“Throwing it out when? She didn’t go near the tree house tonight. And the can opener wasn’t there when I came over to paint. Something’s not right, Cash.”
Foreboding closed in. Cash loped into the house, Rowena right behind him. His boot caught a bucket of paint as he rushed to Charlie’s room. He didn’t even bother to see if the can was sealed. He opened her bedroom door, the tape holding the Keep Out sign pulling loose in the draft from the wide open window, the piece of notebook paper drifting to the floor. Cash flicked on the overhead light.
What the hell? Adrenaline shot through his system. The covers were lumpy, but there wasn’t a single wisp of Charlie’s brown hair visible on the pillow. And the dog—he’d been glued to the kid since she got home. Now Destroyer was nowhere to be seen. Cash flung back the covers, revealing the stuffed animals Charlie had used to make it look as if she was still there.
But she wasn’t. The bed was empty.
“There’s a note,” Rowena said, hurrying over to Charlie’s desk. She handed him a piece of loose-leaf paper with “Daddy” printed on it in purple crayon.
Cash grabbed the letter, unfolded it and read aloud.
Dear Daddy,
I know it is real hard for you to take care of Mac and me all by yourself. Now Mommy wants Mac but she doesn’t want me. It’s O.K. It’s better if I take care of myself. Don’t worry. I got everything I need. Even my flashlight.
Yours Truly,
Charlotte Rose Lawless
His little girl was out there, somewhere in the night, alone?
Cash’s blood ran cold as possibilities flashed through his mind. He’d seen the worst of them happen before. She could run in front of a car that couldn’t see her in the dark. She could fall and get hurt. Some sick sonofabitch could get his hands on her.
And what had made her run?
Cash staggered back a step under the weight of Charlie’s words, his eyes finding Rowena’s heartbroken gaze. “How the hell did she know all this?” Cash asked. “The door was shut when Lisa and I were fighting. I know it was. But the things we said…this is too damned close to be a coincidence.”
A breeze lifted the curtains. Rowena stared at it, her face ashen. “The windows,” she said. “They were all open because of the paint. Charlie must have been close enough to overhear…”
How could she have avoided it? He’d been yelling his head off, so angry, so scared, feeling gut shot over the possibility he might lose his children. Cash flinched, remembering how ugly things had gotten when he’d stormed into the kitchen, kicked the chair. “I said I didn’t want the girls. I said it was too much trouble,” he choked out.
“No, you would never—”
“I was being sarcastic, but Charlie didn’t know that. She just heard that her mother didn’t want her. And now she thinks I don’t want her either. You warned me about letting all that hate for Lisa come out. Christ, Rowena. How long ago do you think she left? Where would she go?”
“Someplace she feels safe. I’ll check the tree house. The play house. You search the inside. She couldn’t have gotten far.”
Cash clung to that as he whistled sharply for the dog. “Charlie!” he yelled as he ran through the house, flipping on lights, flinging open closet doors. Nothing.
Mac came awake grumbling, startled from her sleep. Cash rushed into her room, the blinding glare of lights leaving Mac blinking. “Mac,” Cash said, scooping her up in his arms, “your sister’s gone. Did she say anything to you? Where she was going?”
“Going?” Mac scrubbed at her eyes with one fist.
“Did Charlie tell you she was running away?” Cash demanded.
“Charlie runned away?” Big tears welled up in Mac’s eyes. “Bad stuff happens when you run away. Monsters eat you an’ witches steal you an’ you never come back.” She started to sob, kicking her legs. Any other time, Cash would have rejoiced at it—Mac’s movements stronger than they’d ever been before. But now, with Charlie missing, the kicks only seemed to worsen the foreboding in his gut.
“I want my sister!” Mac wailed. “I want my sister!”
Rowena bolted into the room. “Charlie’s backpack is gone, and a bunch of stuff from that box up in the tree house is missing.”
“She’s not in the house,” Cash said.
“Then she’s out there, somewhere.” Rowena waved at the darkened window.
Cash beat back the rush of pure terror shooting through him. Panic is deadly. A distraction he couldn’t afford. He grappled for the focus and calm that had gotten him through combat. But this was different. It wasn’t his life that could be in danger. It was his little girl’s.
Think! He told himself fiercely. Damn it think how to find her!
“Destroyer is with her,” Rowena said.
Cash latched on to that. “Charlie might be able to
hide, but that dog of hers is impossible to miss.”
“That dog will guard her with his life, Cash.”
And yet—there were dangers even a Newfoundland couldn’t protect a child from. The fact that Destroyer was with Charlie didn’t guarantee that either one of them were safe.
“We’re going to find her,” Rowena said. “Call Lisa. She can watch Mac while we search.”
Cash recoiled from the idea of asking his ex-wife for anything.
Admit I lost my own kid? For a heartbeat Cash resisted. Wouldn’t that give Lisa plenty of ammo for a custody suit? But before he could weigh out the danger, he handed Mac to Rowena and grabbed up the phone.