CHAPTER XXV. SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS, HOW MAJESTICAND IMPARTIAL MR. NUPKINS WAS; AND HOW MR. WELLER RETURNED MR. JOBTROTTER'S SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAME--WITH ANOTHER MATTER, WHICHWILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE
Violent was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was borne along; numerouswere the allusions to the personal appearance and demeanour of Mr.Grummer and his companion; and valorous were the defiances to any six ofthe gentlemen present, in which he vented his dissatisfaction. Mr.Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle listened with gloomy respect to the torrent ofeloquence which their leader poured forth from the sedan-chair, and therapid course of which not all Mr. Tupman's earnest entreaties to havethe lid of the vehicle closed, were able to check for an instant. ButMr. Weller's anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the processionturned down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the runawayJob Trotter; and curiosity was exchanged for a feeling of the mostgleeful astonishment, when the all-important Mr. Grummer, commanding thesedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignified and portentous steps tothe very green gate from which Job Trotter had emerged, and gave amighty pull at the bell-handle which hung at the side thereof. The ringwas answered by a very smart and pretty-faced servant-girl, who, afterholding up her hands in astonishment at the rebellious appearance of theprisoners, and the impassioned language of Mr. Pickwick, summoned Mr.Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate, to admit thesedan, the captured ones, and the specials; and immediately slammed itin the faces of the mob, who, indignant at being excluded, and anxiousto see what followed, relieved their feelings by kicking at the gate andringing the bell, for an hour or two afterwards. In this amusement theyall took part by turns, except three or four fortunate individuals, who,having discovered a grating in the gate, which commanded a view ofnothing, stared through it with the indefatigable perseverance withwhich people will flatten their noses against the front windows of achemist's shop, when a drunken man, who has been run over by a dog-cartin the street, is undergoing a surgical inspection in the back-parlour.
At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, which wasguarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, the sedan-chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were conducted into thehall, whence, having been previously announced by Muzzle, and ordered inby Mr. Nupkins, they were ushered into the worshipful presence of thatpublic-spirited officer.
The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike terror to thehearts of culprits, and to impress them with an adequate idea of thestern majesty of the law. In front of a big book-case, in a big chair,behind a big table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking afull size larger than any one of them, big as they were. The table wasadorned with piles of papers; and above the farther end of it, appearedthe head and shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in lookingas busy as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefullyclosed the door, and placed himself behind his master's chair to awaithis orders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling solemnity, andscrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors.
'Now, Grummer, who is that person?' said Mr. Nupkins, pointing to Mr.Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, stood hat in hand,bowing with the utmost politeness and respect.
'This here's Pickvick, your Wash-up,' said Grummer.
'Come, none o' that 'ere, old Strike-a-light,' interposed Mr. Weller,elbowing himself into the front rank. 'Beg your pardon, sir, but thishere officer o' yourn in the gambooge tops, 'ull never earn a decentlivin' as a master o' the ceremonies any vere. This here, sir' continuedMr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and addressing the magistrate withpleasant familiarity, 'this here is S. Pickvick, Esquire; this here'sMr. Tupman; that 'ere's Mr. Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on thet'other side, Mr. Winkle--all wery nice gen'l'm'n, Sir, as you'll bewery happy to have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits thesehere officers o' yourn to the tread-mill for a month or two, the soonerwe shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first,pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he stabbed thet'other king in the Tower, afore he smothered the babbies.'
At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat with hisright elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had heard him throughoutwith unspeakable awe.
'Who is this man, Grummer?' said the magistrate.
'Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer. 'He attemptedto rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; so we took him intocustody, and brought him here.'
'You did quite right,' replied the magistrate. 'He is evidently adesperate ruffian.'
'He is my servant, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick angrily.
'Oh! he is your servant, is he?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'A conspiracy todefeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. Pickwick's servant.Put that down, Mr. Jinks.'
Mr. Jinks did so.
'What's your name, fellow?' thundered Mr. Nupkins.
'Veller,' replied Sam.
'A very good name for the Newgate Calendar,' said Mr. Nupkins.
This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, andMuzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes' duration.
'Put down his name, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate.
'Two L's, old feller,' said Sam.
Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the magistratethreatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous thing to laugh atthe wrong man, in these cases.
'Where do you live?' said the magistrate.
'Vere ever I can,' replied Sam.
'Put down that, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, who was fast risinginto a rage.
'Score it under,' said Sam.
'He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. 'He is a vagabond onhis own statement,--is he not, Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'Then I'll commit him--I'll commit him as such,' said Mr. Nupkins.
'This is a wery impartial country for justice, 'said Sam.' There ain't amagistrate goin' as don't commit himself twice as he commits otherpeople.'
At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look sosupernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately.
'Grummer,' said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, 'how dare youselect such an inefficient and disreputable person for a specialconstable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir?'
'I am very sorry, your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer.
'Very sorry!' said the furious magistrate. 'You shall repent of thisneglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example of. Take thatfellow's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, fellow.'
'I am not drunk, your Worship,' said the man.
'You _are _drunk,' returned the magistrate. 'How dare you say you arenot drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesn't he smell of spirits,Grummer?'
'Horrid, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, who had a vague impression thatthere was a smell of rum somewhere.
'I knew he did,' said Mr. Nupkins. 'I saw he was drunk when he firstcame into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe his excited eye,Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning,' said the man, whowas as sober a fellow as need be.
'How dare you tell me a falsehood?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'Isn't he drunk atthis moment, Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks.
'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'I shall commit that man for contempt.Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.'
And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who was themagistrate's adviser (having had a legal education of three years in acountry attorney's office), whispered the magistrate that he thought itwouldn't do; so the magistrate made a speech, and said, that inconsideration of the special's family, he would merely reprimand anddischarge him. Accordingly, the special was abused, vehemently, for aquarter of an hour, and sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley,Muzzle, and all the other specials, murmured their admiration of themagnanim
ity of Mr. Nupkins.
'Now, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'swear Grummer.'
Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and Mr. Nupkins'sdinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the matter short, by puttingleading questions to Grummer, which Grummer answered as nearly in theaffirmative as he could. So the examination went off, all very smoothand comfortable, and two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and athreat against Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When allthis was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and Mr.Jinks consulted in whispers.
The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks retired tohis end of the table; and the magistrate, with a preparatory cough, drewhimself up in his chair, and was proceeding to commence his address,when Mr. Pickwick interposed.
'I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'butbefore you proceed to express, and act upon, any opinion you may haveformed on the statements which have been made here, I must claim myright to be heard so far as I am personally concerned.'
'Hold your tongue, Sir,' said the magistrate peremptorily.
'I must submit to you, Sir--' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Hold your tongue, sir,' interposed the magistrate, 'or I shall order anofficer to remove you.'
'You may order your officers to do whatever you please, Sir,' said Mr.Pickwick; 'and I have no doubt, from the specimen I have had of thesubordination preserved amongst them, that whatever you order, they willexecute, Sir; but I shall take the liberty, Sir, of claiming my right tobe heard, until I am removed by force.'
'Pickvick and principle!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very audible voice.
'Sam, be quiet,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, Sir,' replied Sam.
Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense astonishment,at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and was apparently about toreturn a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks pulled him by the sleeve, andwhispered something in his ear. To this, the magistrate returned a half-audible answer, and then the whispering was renewed. Jinks was evidentlyremonstrating.
At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a very bad grace, hisdisinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, and saidsharply, 'What do you want to say?'
'First,' said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, underwhich even Nupkins quailed, 'first, I wish to know what I and my friendhave been brought here for?'
'Must I tell him?' whispered the magistrate to Jinks.
'I think you had better, sir,' whispered Jinks to the magistrate.
'An information has been sworn before me,' said the magistrate, 'that itis apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and that the other man,Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. Therefore--eh, Mr. Jinks?'
'Certainly, sir.'
'Therefore, I call upon you both, to--I think that's the course, Mr.Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'To--to--what, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate pettishly.
'To find bail, sir.'
'Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both--as I was about to say when I wasinterrupted by my clerk--to find bail.'
Good bail,' whispered Mr. Jinks.
'I shall require good bail,' said the magistrate.
'Town's-people,' whispered Jinks.
'They must be townspeople,' said the magistrate.
'Fifty pounds each,' whispered Jinks, 'and householders, of course.'
'I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,' said the magistratealoud, with great dignity, 'and they must be householders, of course.'
'But bless my heart, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with Mr.Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; 'we are perfect strangers inthis town. I have as little knowledge of any householders here, as Ihave intention of fighting a duel with anybody.'
'I dare say,' replied the magistrate, 'I dare say--don't you, Mr.Jinks?'
'Certainly, Sir.'
'Have you anything more to say?' inquired the magistrate.
Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no doubt havesaid, very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate'ssatisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, been pulledby the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was immediately engaged in soearnest a conversation, that he suffered the magistrate's inquiry topass wholly unnoticed. Mr. Nupkins was not the man to ask a question ofthe kind twice over; and so, with another preparatory cough, heproceeded, amidst the reverential and admiring silence of theconstables, to pronounce his decision.
He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault, and three poundsfor the second. He should fine Winkle two pounds, and Snodgrass onepound, besides requiring them to enter into their own recognisances tokeep the peace towards all his Majesty's subjects, and especiallytowards his liege servant, Daniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he hadalready held to bail.
Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, with asmile mantling on his again good-humoured countenance, stepped forward,and said--
'I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request a few minutes' privateconversation with him, on a matter of deep importance to himself?'
'What?' said the magistrate. Mr. Pickwick repeated his request.
'This is a most extraordinary request,' said the magistrate. 'A privateinterview?'
'A private interview,' replied Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'only, as a part ofthe information which I wish to communicate is derived from my servant,I should wish him to be present.'
The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at the magistrate;the officers looked at each other in amazement. Mr. Nupkins turnedsuddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in a moment of remorse, havedivulged some secret conspiracy for his assassination? It was a dreadfulthought. He was a public man; and he turned paler, as he thought ofJulius Caesar and Mr. Perceval.
The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and beckoned Mr. Jinks.
'What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?' murmured Mr. Nupkins.
Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think of it, and was afraidhe might offend, smiled feebly, after a dubious fashion, and, screwingup the corners of his mouth, shook his head slowly from side to side.
'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate gravely, 'you are an ass.'
At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks smiled again--rathermore feebly than before--and edged himself, by degrees, back into hisown corner.
Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few seconds, andthen, rising from his chair, and requesting Mr. Pickwick and Sam tofollow him, led the way into a small room which opened into the justice-parlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to walk to the upper end of the littleapartment, and holding his hand upon the half-closed door, that he mightbe able to effect an immediate escape, in case there was the leasttendency to a display of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed hisreadiness to hear the communication, whatever it might be.
'I will come to the point at once, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'it affectsyourself and your credit materially. I have every reason to believe,Sir, that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor!'
'Two,' interrupted Sam. 'Mulberry agin all natur, for tears andwillainny!'
'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if I am to render myself intelligible to thisgentleman, I must beg you to control your feelings.'
'Wery sorry, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but when I think o' that 'ereJob, I can't help opening the walve a inch or two.'
'In one word, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is my servant right insuspecting that a certain Captain Fitz-Marshall is in the habit ofvisiting here? Because,' added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that Mr. Nupkinswas about to offer a very indignant interruption, 'because if he be, Iknow that person to be a--'
'Hush, hush,' said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. 'Know him to be what,Sir?'
'An unprincipled adventurer--a dishonourable character--a man who preysupon society, and makes easily-deceived people his dupes, Sir; hisabsurd, his
foolish, his wretched dupes, Sir,' said the excited Mr.Pickwick.
'Dear me,' said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering his wholemanner directly. 'Dear me, Mr.--'
'Pickvick,' said Sam.
'Pickwick,' said the magistrate, 'dear me, Mr. Pickwick--pray take aseat--you cannot mean this? Captain Fitz-Marshall!'
'Don't call him a cap'en,' said Sam, 'nor Fitz-Marshall neither; heain't neither one nor t'other. He's a strolling actor, he is, and hisname's Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a mulberry suit, that'ere Job Trotter's him.'
'It is very true, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, replying to the magistrate'slook of amazement; 'my only business in this town, is to expose theperson of whom we now speak.'
Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horror-stricken ear of Mr.Nupkins, an abridged account of all Mr. Jingle's atrocities. He relatedhow he had first met him; how he had eloped with Miss Wardle; how he hadcheerfully resigned the lady for a pecuniary consideration; how he hadentrapped himself into a lady's boarding-school at midnight; and how he(Mr. Pickwick) now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of hispresent name and rank.
As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body of Mr.Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears. He had picked up thecaptain at a neighbouring race-course. Charmed with his long list ofaristocratic acquaintance, his extensive travel, and his fashionabledemeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss Nupkins had exhibited Captain Fitz-Marshall, and quoted Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurled Captain Fitz-Marshall at the devoted heads of their select circle of acquaintance,until their bosom friends, Mrs. Porkenham and the Misses Porkenhams, andMr. Sidney Porkenham, were ready to burst with jealousy and despair. Andnow, to hear, after all, that he was a needy adventurer, a strollingplayer, and if not a swindler, something so very like it, that it washard to tell the difference! Heavens! what would the Porkenhams say!What would be the triumph of Mr. Sidney Porkenham when he found that hisaddresses had been slighted for such a rival! How should he, Nupkins,meet the eye of old Porkenham at the next quarter-sessions! And what ahandle would it be for the opposition magisterial party if the story gotabroad!
'But after all,' said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment, after along pause; 'after all, this is a mere statement. Captain Fitz-Marshallis a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare say, has many enemies.What proof have you of the truth of these representations?'
'Confront me with him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that is all I ask, and all Irequire. Confront him with me and my friends here; you will want nofurther proof.'
'Why,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'that might be very easily done, for he will behere to-night, and then there would be no occasion to make the matterpublic, just--just--for the young man's own sake, you know. I--I--shouldlike to consult Mrs. Nupkins on the propriety of the step, in the firstinstance, though. At all events, Mr. Pickwick, we must despatch thislegal business before we can do anything else. Pray step back into thenext room.'
Into the next room they went.
'Grummer,' said the magistrate, in an awful voice.
'Your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, with the smile of a favourite.
'Come, come, Sir,' said the magistrate sternly, 'don't let me see any ofthis levity here. It is very unbecoming, and I can assure you that youhave very little to smile at. Was the account you gave me just nowstrictly true? Now be careful, sir!'
Your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer, 'I-'
'Oh, you are confused, are you?' said the magistrate. 'Mr. Jinks, youobserve this confusion?'
'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks.
'Now,' said the magistrate, 'repeat your statement, Grummer, and again Iwarn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks, take his words down.'
The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to re-state his complaint, but, whatbetween Mr. Jinks's taking down his words, and the magistrate's takingthem up, his natural tendency to rambling, and his extreme confusion, hemanaged to get involved, in something under three minutes, in such amass of entanglement and contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins at oncedeclared he didn't believe him. So the fines were remitted, and Mr.Jinks found a couple of bail in no time. And all these solemnproceedings having been satisfactorily concluded, Mr. Grummer wasignominiously ordered out--an awful instance of the instability of humangreatness, and the uncertain tenure of great men's favour.
Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban and a lightbrown wig. Miss Nupkins possessed all her mamma's haughtiness withoutthe turban, and all her ill-nature without the wig; and whenever theexercise of these two amiable qualities involved mother and daughter insome unpleasant dilemma, as they not infrequently did, they bothconcurred in laying the blame on the shoulders of Mr. Nupkins.Accordingly, when Mr. Nupkins sought Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed thecommunication which had been made by Mr. Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkins suddenlyrecollected that she had always expected something of the kind; that shehad always said it would be so; that her advice was never taken; thatshe really did not know what Mr. Nupkins supposed she was; and so forth.
'The idea!' said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of very scanty proportionsinto the corner of each eye; 'the idea of my being made such a fool of!'
'Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear,' said Mrs. Nupkins; 'how I haveimplored and begged that man to inquire into the captain's familyconnections; how I have urged and entreated him to take some decisivestep! I am quite certain nobody would believe it--quite.'
'But, my dear,' said Mr. Nupkins.
'Don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't!' said Mrs. Nupkins.
'My love,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'you professed yourself very fond ofCaptain Fitz-Marshall. You have constantly asked him here, my dear, andyou have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere.'
'Didn't I say so, Henrietta?' cried Mrs. Nupkins, appealing to herdaughter with the air of a much-injured female. 'Didn't I say that yourpapa would turn round and lay all this at my door? Didn't I say so?'Here Mrs. Nupkins sobbed.
'Oh, pa!' remonstrated Miss Nupkins. And here she sobbed too.
'Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this disgrace and ridiculeupon us, to taunt me with being the cause of it?' exclaimed Mrs.Nupkins.
'How can we ever show ourselves in society!' said Miss Nupkins.
'How can we face the Porkenhams?' cried Mrs. Nupkins.
'Or the Griggs!' cried Miss Nupkins.
'Or the Slummintowkens!' cried Mrs. Nupkins. 'But what does your papacare! What is it to _him_!' At this dreadful reflection, Mrs. Nupkinswept mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins followed on the same side.
Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with great velocity, untilshe had gained a little time to think the matter over; when she decided,in her own mind, that the best thing to do would be to ask Mr. Pickwickand his friends to remain until the captain's arrival, and then to giveMr. Pickwick the opportunity he sought. If it appeared that he hadspoken truly, the captain could be turned out of the house withoutnoising the matter abroad, and they could easily account to thePorkenhams for his disappearance, by saying that he had been appointed,through the Court influence of his family, to the governor-generalshipof Sierra Leone, of Saugur Point, or any other of those salubriousclimates which enchant Europeans so much, that when they once get there,they can hardly ever prevail upon themselves to come back again.
When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupkins dried up hers, andMr. Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as Mrs. Nupkins hadproposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, having washed off all marksof their late encounter, were introduced to the ladies, and soonafterwards to their dinner; and Mr. Weller, whom the magistrate, withhis peculiar sagacity, had discovered in half an hour to be one of thefinest fellows alive, was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr.Muzzle, who was specially enjoined to take him below, and make much ofhim.
'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller down thekitchen stairs.
'Why, no considerable change has taken place in the state of my system,since I see you cocked up behind your governor's c
hair in the parlour, alittle vile ago,' replied Sam.
'You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then,' said Mr.Muzzle. 'You see, master hadn't introduced us, then. Lord, how fond heis of you, Mr. Weller, to be sure!'
'Ah!' said Sam, 'what a pleasant chap he is!'
'Ain't he?'replied Mr. Muzzle.
'So much humour,' said Sam.
'And such a man to speak,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'How his ideas flow, don'tthey?'
'Wonderful,' replied Sam; 'they comes a-pouring out, knocking eachother's heads so fast, that they seems to stun one another; you hardlyknow what he's arter, do you?'
That's the great merit of his style of speaking,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle.'Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you like to wash yourhands, sir, before we join the ladies? Here's a sink, with the waterlaid on, Sir, and a clean jack towel behind the door.'
'Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse,' replied Mr. Weller, applyingplenty of yellow soap to the towel, and rubbing away till his face shoneagain. 'How many ladies are there?'
'Only two in our kitchen,' said Mr. Muzzle; 'cook and 'ouse-maid. Wekeep a boy to do the dirty work, and a gal besides, but they dine in thewash'us.'
'Oh, they dines in the wash'us, do they?' said Mr. Weller.
'Yes,' replied Mr. Muzzle, 'we tried 'em at our table when they firstcome, but we couldn't keep 'em. The gal's manners is dreadful vulgar;and the boy breathes so very hard while he's eating, that we found itimpossible to sit at table with him.'
'Young grampus!' said Mr. Weller.
'Oh, dreadful,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle; 'but that is the worst of countryservice, Mr. Weller; the juniors is always so very savage. This way,sir, if you please, this way.'
Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle conductedhim into the kitchen.
'Mary,' said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant-girl, 'this is Mr. Weller;a gentleman as master has sent down, to be made as comfortable aspossible.'
'And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just sent me to the rightplace,' said Mr. Weller, with a glance of admiration at Mary. 'If I wosmaster o' this here house, I should alvays find the materials forcomfort vere Mary wos.'
Lor, Mr. Weller!' said Mary blushing.
'Well, I never!' ejaculated the cook.
'Bless me, cook, I forgot you,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'Mr. Weller, let meintroduce you.'
'How are you, ma'am?' said Mr. Weller. 'Wery glad to see you, indeed,and hope our acquaintance may be a long 'un, as the gen'l'm'n said tothe fi' pun' note.'
When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, the cook andMary retired into the back kitchen to titter, for ten minutes; thenreturning, all giggles and blushes, they sat down to dinner.
Mr. Weller's easy manners and conversational powers had suchirresistible influence with his new friends, that before the dinner washalf over, they were on a footing of perfect intimacy, and in possessionof a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotter.
'I never could a-bear that Job,' said Mary.
'No more you never ought to, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller.
'Why not?' inquired Mary.
''Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be formiliar with eleganceand wirtew,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ought they, Mr. Muzzle?'
'Not by no means,' replied that gentleman.
Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made her; and the cook laughed,and said she hadn't.
'I ha'n't got a glass,' said Mary.
'Drink with me, my dear,' said Mr. Weller. 'Put your lips to this heretumbler, and then I can kiss you by deputy.'
'For shame, Mr. Weller!' said Mary.
'What's a shame, my dear?'
'Talkin' in that way.'
'Nonsense; it ain't no harm. It's natur; ain't it, cook?'
'Don't ask me, imperence,' replied the cook, in a high state of delight;and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again, till what between thebeer, and the cold meat, and the laughter combined, the latter younglady was brought to the verge of choking--an alarming crisis from whichshe was only recovered by sundry pats on the back, and other necessaryattentions, most delicately administered by Mr. Samuel Weller.
In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring was heardat the garden gate, to which the young gentleman who took his meals inthe wash-house, immediately responded. Mr. Weller was in the height ofhis attentions to the pretty house-maid; Mr. Muzzle was busy doing thehonours of the table; and the cook had just paused to laugh, in the veryact of raising a huge morsel to her lips; when the kitchen door opened,and in walked Mr. Job Trotter.
We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the statement is notdistinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to fact. The door openedand Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have walked in, and was in the veryact of doing so, indeed, when catching sight of Mr. Weller, heinvoluntarily shrank back a pace or two, and stood gazing on theunexpected scene before him, perfectly motionless with amazement andterror.
'Here he is!' said Sam, rising with great glee. 'Why we were that werymoment a-speaking o' you. How are you? Where have you been? Come in.'
Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, Mr.Weller dragged him into the kitchen; and, locking the door, handed thekey to Mr. Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up in a side pocket.
'Well, here's a game!' cried Sam. 'Only think o' my master havin' thepleasure o' meeting yourn upstairs, and me havin' the joy o' meetin' youdown here. How are you gettin' on, and how is the chandlery bis'nesslikely to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. How happy you look. It'squite a treat to see you; ain't it, Mr. Muzzle?'
'Quite,' said Mr. Muzzle.
'So cheerful he is!' said Sam.
'In such good spirits!' said Muzzle.
'And so glad to see us--that makes it so much more comfortable,' saidSam. 'Sit down; sit down.'
Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the fireside.He cast his small eyes, first on Mr. Weller, and then on Mr. Muzzle, butsaid nothing.
'Well, now,' said Sam, 'afore these here ladies, I should jest like toask you, as a sort of curiosity, whether you don't consider yourself asnice and well-behaved a young gen'l'm'n, as ever used a pink checkpocket-handkerchief, and the number four collection?'
'And as was ever a-going to be married to a cook,' said that ladyindignantly. 'The willin!'
'And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the chandlery linearterwards,' said the housemaid.
'Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man,' said Mr. Muzzle solemnly,enraged at the last two allusions, 'this here lady (pointing to thecook) keeps company with me; and when you presume, Sir, to talk ofkeeping chandlers' shops with her, you injure me in one of the mostdelicatest points in which one man can injure another. Do you understandthat, Sir?'
Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence, in which heimitated his master, paused for a reply.
But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a solemnmanner--
'It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted upstairs for severalminutes, Sir, because _my_ master is at this moment particularly engagedin settling the hash of _your _master, Sir; and therefore you'll haveleisure, Sir, for a little private talk with me, Sir. Do you understandthat, Sir?'
Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply; and again Mr. Trotter disappointedhim.
'Well, then,' said Mr. Muzzle, 'I'm very sorry to have to explain myselfbefore ladies, but the urgency of the case will be my excuse. The backkitchen's empty, Sir. If you will step in there, Sir, Mr. Weller willsee fair, and we can have mutual satisfaction till the bell rings.Follow me, Sir!'
As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two towards thedoor; and, by way of saving time, began to pull off his coat as hewalked along.
Now, the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this desperatechallenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about to put it into execution, than sheuttered a loud and piercing shriek; and rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, whorose from his chair on the instant, to
re and buffeted his large flatface, with an energy peculiar to excited females, and twining her handsin his long black hair, tore therefrom about enough to make five or sixdozen of the very largest-sized mourning-rings. Having accomplished thisfeat with all the ardour which her devoted love for Mr. Muzzle inspired,she staggered back; and being a lady of very excitable and delicatefeelings, she instantly fell under the dresser, and fainted away.
At this moment, the bell rang.
'That's for you, Job Trotter,' said Sam; and before Mr. Trotter couldoffer remonstrance or reply--even before he had time to stanch thewounds inflicted by the insensible lady--Sam seized one arm and Mr.Muzzle the other, and one pulling before, and the other pushing behind,they conveyed him upstairs, and into the parlour.
It was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle, Esquire, alias CaptainFitz-Marshall, was standing near the door with his hat in his hand, anda smile on his face, wholly unmoved by his very unpleasant situation.Confronting him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who had evidently been inculcatingsome high moral lesson; for his left hand was beneath his coat tail, andhis right extended in air, as was his wont when delivering himself of animpressive address. At a little distance, stood Mr. Tupman withindignant countenance, carefully held back by his two younger friends;at the farther end of the room were Mr. Nupkins, Mrs. Nupkins, and MissNupkins, gloomily grand and savagely vexed.
'What prevents me,' said Mr. Nupkins, with magisterial dignity, as Jobwas brought in--'what prevents me from detaining these men as rogues andimpostors? It is a foolish mercy. What prevents me?'
'Pride, old fellow, pride,' replied Jingle, quite at his ease. 'Wouldn'tdo--no go--caught a captain, eh?--ha! ha! very good--husband fordaughter--biter bit--make it public--not for worlds--look stupid--very!'
'Wretch,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'we scorn your base insinuations.'
'I always hated him,' added Henrietta.
'Oh, of course,' said Jingle. 'Tall young man--old lover--SidneyPorkenham--rich--fine fellow--not so rich as captain, though, eh?--turnhim away--off with him--anything for captain--nothing like captainanywhere--all the girls--raving mad--eh, Job, eh?'
Here Mr. Jingle laughed very heartily; and Job, rubbing his hands withdelight, uttered the first sound he had given vent to since he enteredthe house--a low, noiseless chuckle, which seemed to intimate that heenjoyed his laugh too much, to let any of it escape in sound.
'Mr. Nupkins,' said the elder lady,' this is not a fit conversation forthe servants to overhear. Let these wretches be removed.'
'Certainly, my dear,' Said Mr. Nupkins. 'Muzzle!'
'Your Worship.'
'Open the front door.'
'Yes, your Worship.'
'Leave the house!' said Mr. Nupkins, waving his hand emphatically.
Jingle smiled, and moved towards the door.
'Stay!' said Mr. Pickwick. Jingle stopped.
'I might,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'have taken a much greater revenge for thetreatment I have experienced at your hands, and that of yourhypocritical friend there.'
Job Trotter bowed with great politeness, and laid his hand upon hisheart.
'I say,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually angry, 'that I might havetaken a greater revenge, but I content myself with exposing you, which Iconsider a duty I owe to society. This is a leniency, Sir, which I hopeyou will remember.'
When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job Trotter, with facetiousgravity, applied his hand to his ear, as if desirous not to lose asyllable he uttered.
'And I have only to add, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, now thoroughly angry,'that I consider you a rascal, and a--a--ruffian--and--and worse thanany man I ever saw, or heard of, except that pious and sanctifiedvagabond in the mulberry livery.'
'Ha! ha!' said Jingle, 'good fellow, Pickwick--fine heart--stout oldboy--but must _not _be passionate--bad thing, very--bye, bye--see youagain some day--keep up your spirits--now, Job--trot!'
With these words, Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in his old fashion, andstrode out of the room. Job Trotter paused, looked round, smiled andthen with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. Pickwick, and a wink to Mr.Weller, the audacious slyness of which baffles all description, followedthe footsteps of his hopeful master.
'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Weller was following.
'Sir.'
Stay here.'
Mr. Weller seemed uncertain.
'Stay here,' repeated Mr. Pickwick.
'Mayn't I polish that 'ere Job off, in the front garden?' said Mr.Weller.
'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick.
'Mayn't I kick him out o' the gate, Sir?' said Mr. Weller.
'Not on any account,' replied his master.
For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weller looked, for amoment, discontented and unhappy. But his countenance immediatelycleared up; for the wily Mr. Muzzle, by concealing himself behind thestreet door, and rushing violently out, at the right instant, contrivedwith great dexterity to overturn both Mr. Jingle and his attendant, downthe flight of steps, into the American aloe tubs that stood beneath.
'Having discharged my duty, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Nupkins, 'Iwill, with my friends, bid you farewell. While we thank you for suchhospitality as we have received, permit me to assure you, in our jointnames, that we should not have accepted it, or have consented toextricate ourselves in this way, from our previous dilemma, had we notbeen impelled by a strong sense of duty. We return to London to-morrow.Your secret is safe with us.'
Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the morning,Mr. Pickwick bowed low to the ladies, and notwithstanding thesolicitations of the family, left the room with his friends.
'Get your hat, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'It's below stairs, Sir,' said Sam, and he ran down after it.
Now, there was nobody in the kitchen, but the pretty housemaid; and asSam's hat was mislaid, he had to look for it, and the pretty housemaidlighted him. They had to look all over the place for the hat. The prettyhousemaid, in her anxiety to find it, went down on her knees, and turnedover all the things that were heaped together in a little corner by thedoor. It was an awkward corner. You couldn't get at it without shuttingthe door first.
'Here it is,' said the pretty housemaid. 'This is it, ain't it?'
'Let me look,' said Sam.
The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor; and, as it gavea very dim light, Sam was obliged to go down on _his _knees before hecould see whether it really was his own hat or not. It was a remarkablysmall corner, and so--it was nobody's fault but the man's who built thehouse--Sam and the pretty housemaid were necessarily very closetogether.
'Yes, this is it,' said Sam. 'Good-bye!'
'Good-bye!' said the pretty housemaid.
'Good-bye!' said Sam; and as he said it, he dropped the hat that hadcost so much trouble in looking for.
'How awkward you are,' said the pretty housemaid. 'You'll lose it again,if you don't take care.'
So just to prevent his losing it again, she put it on for him.
Whether it was that the pretty housemaid's face looked prettier still,when it was raised towards Sam's, or whether it was the accidentalconsequence of their being so near to each other, is matter ofuncertainty to this day; but Sam kissed her.
'You don't mean to say you did that on purpose,' said the prettyhousemaid, blushing.
'No, I didn't then,' said Sam; 'but I will now.'
So he kissed her again.
'Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, calling over the banisters.
'Coming, Sir,' replied Sam, running upstairs.
'How long you have been!' said Mr. Pickwick.
'There was something behind the door, Sir, which perwented our gettingit open, for ever so long, Sir,' replied Sam.
And this was the first passage of Mr. Weller's first love.