Despite the distance, I can hear what she's saying to him. "You're a better man than I ever gave you credit for."
"I know," Gavin replies. He is total cocky assurance, and I want to slam my fist into his nose, smashing cartilage into his brain.
"And you're so modest," Ali says.
He chuckles. "Are you happy with the way things turned out?"
She glances in my direction, unconcerned by the fact that Veronica is at my side.
Unconcerned. As if she doesn't care that I'm with an ex. As if she doesn't care about me.
"Yeah," she says. "Yeah, I am--"
--the vision ends before she can say anything more, gone in a single, broken heartbeat.
I drop my head into my upraised hands, scrub my fingers through my already mussed hair. More proof. The end is near. The countdown clock on our relationship is running down.
Anger fills me. No. Anger is not a strong enough word. Rage fills me. It's dark, heavy and barbed, weighing me down, cutting at me. Why Gavin? Why him and not me?
"Gavin's a man-whore, you know." I infuse my voice with ice to hide the savagery of my rage. "Never been with the same girl twice. And he's never liked blondes. He won't stay with you for long."
"I'm not interested in Gavin," she rushes out. "Cole, you have to--"
"Don't say anything. Just...don't." Her reassurance will only make things worse. One day, I will have to watch her fall deeper and deeper for one of my friends. I will be shredded.
I am shredded.
I grab two pillows and work them behind her back. When she's comfortable, I take the glass of water from the nightstand and place it at her lips. "Drink."
Color blooms in her cheeks as she obeys. "Thank you."
I nod and set the cup aside. "Let's talk about what happened with Justin." It's the reason she's here. It's business. It will buy me time, allow me to get control of myself.
"Has he recovered?" she asks.
"Yeah, and a lot quicker than you." A zombie bit Justin, and the toxin worked in him so quickly, he then bit Ali. He infected her. But while a single dose of the antidote healed him, it required three doses for Ali. Why?
"Hey, don't blame me. I'm the victim here."
"Yeah. I know." I massage the back of my neck. "Sorry. It's been stressful watching you suffer and not being able to help." Among other things.
The tension drains from her, and I can't bring myself to tell her the rest. "Has a slayer ever bitten another slayer like that?" she asks.
"Not to my knowledge. Not while both are still human."
"Did I try to bite anyone while I was...out of it?"
"Just me," I say.
She pales all over again. "I'm sorry. I know I failed. Wait. I failed, right?"
Her need to protect me is one of the things I've always admired about her. I nod. "You did."
Her relief is palpable. "I'm so sorry, Cole. I don't know what came over me, but I do know I'm not going to do it again. I promise you."
There's something strange about the fact that she tried to do it in the first place, but I have no answers and shrug.
"I mean it," she insists.
"You tried to bite me more than once."
"I'm so sorry," she says again, clearly horrified. "I didn't realize..."
Yeah. "I know."
She swallows, the picture of unease. "Do you think Anima put Justin up to hurting me? Causing this kind of reaction, thinking we'd destroy each other?"
"Maybe, but like you, I don't think Justin knew what he was doing."
"Where is he now?"
"Ankh kept him below in the dungeon, as you like to call it, for a few days to make sure the antidote was working and he wouldn't try to attack anyone else. Tests were run, and a strange toxin was found in his blood. Not zombie, but actually antizombie. Different than what's in the antidote. We think it's what made him vomit."
Her brow furrows with confusion. "A few days? How long have I been out? Did you check my blood, too?"
I'm used to the way she fires off a million questions during any given conversation. Her curiosity is another thing I've always liked about her. Maybe because I feel like a hero when I have the answers she seeks.
Today I'm resentful. Soon, Gavin will be the one to answer her.
I clench my hands. "About a week," I say. "And yes. You had--have--the same antizombie toxin, only you have a lot more of it, which makes us think you shared it with him when he bit you."
I'm not sure what this means for her...for slayers.
"How and where would I have gotten an antizombie toxin?" she asks. "And why is it in my blood rather than my spirit?"
I give another shrug. "Could be an ability, like the visions. And if it's in your spirit, it's in your blood. We have to test what we can."
She nibbles on her bottom lip. I want to stop her. I want to kiss away the sting she's caused. But I don't. I won't. If I put my hands on her, I won't be able to let go. I will cling. I'm sure of this.
"Just so you know, we told everyone you'd overdone it and reopened your wound." A wound I had accidentally caused. I have yet to forgive myself. "Both of which are true." She would have protested if we'd lied.
"Thank you."
I nod. I force myself to stand and move toward the door. I have to leave her. Now. It's becoming more difficult to maintain any kind of distance.
"Cole," she calls. "We need to talk."
"You need to rest."
"Cole."
Knowing her, she will chase me if I leave. I pause, draw in a fortifying breath. Slowly I turn and face her. I'm careful to keep my features blank.
"This has to stop," she says.
She is going to force me to make a decision. Here, now. Cut her loose, or hang on until the bitter end. I'm not ready.
"I tried not to push you, but you have to give me something," she continues. "Your silence is driving me crazy."
I cross my arms over my chest and have a fleeting thought that it is a defensive action meant to protect me from the blow to come. "Some things aren't meant to be discussed, Ali." Let me go. Just let me go.
"At Hearts, you couldn't spend time with me. Why?"
I spied on my friends that night, and I still hate myself for it. I'm glad I refused to entangle her in the mess then, and I won't do it now. "I've already told you all I'm willing to say on that subject."
She expels a heavy breath. "You asked me to trust you, and now I'm asking you to trust me with the truth. Why?"
The need to give her what she wants redoubles. I resist.
"You told me you wanted me to stay away from Gavin," she says, "and yet you have been the one to stay away from me. Why?"
At the sound of his name, my rage returns, and it is far stronger than my need. Gavin and Ali. Ali and Gavin. A couple. In love. Holding each other. Kissing each other. Touching each other. A growl brews inside my chest.
Ali bangs her fist against the mattress. "What we just saw in the vision--"
"Will happen," I shout. The words burst from me. I can't stop them. "You know it will. It always does."
"Maybe it doesn't mean what we think it means."
I want to hope. "What do you think it means?"
"I...don't know. What do you think it means?"
But hope is my enemy. Because I don't think anything. I know.
Cut her loose, or hang on until the bitter end. Let the wound begin to heal, or let it fester.
Choose.
"I think it means..." A crushing pain throbs in my chest. One I've never before experienced. My heart pounds against my ribs in an effort to escape it. I bite back the words that will be final nails in the coffin of our relationship,
but it does no good. "We're over."
She flinches as if she's been struck. "No." She shakes her head. "No."
My instincts scream in agreement. No! I almost drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me for even suggesting such a thing.
The pain in my chest intensifies.
Who the hell am I? I'm supposed to be immovable. When I make a decision, nothing changes my mind. I'm supposed to be invincible. Zombies cannot hurt me, and yet this girl is killing me.
I'm helpless all over again. I hate it, hate myself. Even hate her a little. "Okay, let me rephrase. I know it means we're over." Every word is a dagger, cutting at me, but still I continue. "We have to be. I've almost lost you twice, and I'm going to lose you for good when the visions start coming true. I'm not going to hang on to a lost cause, Ali."
Panic radiates from her. "I'm not a lost cause. We're not a lost cause. I don't like Gavin."
I want to believe her. She is everything to me. A reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to fight for a safer world. A reason to breathe. If I do this, if I walk away from her, I will never be the same.
"But you will," I say.
"Don't do this. Please. You have to trust me. Please. There are some things you can never take back, and this is one of them."
Damn it, I know! Does she think this is easy for me? That I'm made of stone?
Before I realize I've taken a step, I'm across the room, slamming my fist into the wall. Dust plumes the air, almost choking me, as the skin covering my knuckles splits. Bones crack and blood wells. It hurts.
I'm glad. I prefer this pain to the other one.
Very gently, she says, "I'm not going to look at Gavin and suddenly start wanting him. You're the one for me. And this isn't like you. You never back down. You never walk away from a fight."
Exactly. Right now I'm fighting for my life. I'm the one trapped in the bottomless ocean, and I can't escape.
I press my forehead into the damaged wall.
"Cole," she whispers. "Do you want Veronica?"
"No. Not even a little."
"See!"
"Ali, I..." Want to make this work. Will do anything to make it work.
I straighten and face her. Deep down I know "anything" will not be good enough, and that hurts almost as much as this end. "Our feelings right now aren't the problem. One day I hope you'll forgive me. I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive myself." If I could press rewind on our lives and go back to before the visions, I would. I would stay with her, never let her go, the two of us lost together. I would be happy. Now I'm certain I will never be happy again. "But...we're done."
"Cole."
"We're done," I force myself to repeat. For her. For me. We both need to hear it. I back away from her, needing distance but hating it, too. "We're done."
Her eyes glass over, as if she's fighting tears. "I won't come crawling after you."
Do it. Come after me, part of me shouts. Don't ever let me go. "I don't want you to." The other part of me is self-preservation, and after all these years of battle, it's strong.
"I won't take you back even if you come crawling back to me."
"I know," I say softly, and I can feel all the broken pieces of me withering. "And I won't... I can't..." I shake my head, try to gather what little strength I have left. "There's nothing I can say to make either of us feel better about this, and I'm sorry about that. You'll probably never know how much. But that's not going to change my mind. It has to be this way."
I leave her then. I leave her before I do it, before I drop to my knees and beg not only for forgiveness but for another chance. I've just severed the most precious part of my life. I'm not going to heal from this. I know it.
"Cole."
Frosty calls my name. He's at the end of the hall, waiting for me.
I stride past him without a word, without a pause.
"Cole."
Again I ignore him. My eyes burn. I must have something in them. Somehow I make it outside the house without drawing the notice of anyone else. I climb inside my Jeep, but I don't even get the key into the ignition before the rage and helplessness explode from me. I pound at the wheel with my fists. The metal circle bends, unable to withstand the fury. But I don't stop. I can't, even when I'm leaving smears of blood behind. I can't breathe, either, and I'm not sure I want to.
I should have ripped my heart out of my chest and given it to her. It would have been easier than this. Less painful.
We are done. We are really done.
Realization settles like a boulder. We are over. She's free of me, free to do as she pleases...and I will be forever lost without her.
*
Keep reading for an excerpt from THROUGH THE ZOMBIE GLASS by Gena Showalter.
If you loved The Queen of Zombie Hearts, be sure to catch Alice in Zombieland and
Through the Zombie Glass in the White Rabbit Chronicles series by
New York Times bestselling author Gena Showalter.
Available in ebook format!
Be sure to also catch the Intertwined series by Gena Showalter.
Most sixteen-year-olds have friends. Aden Stone has four human souls living inside him. One can time travel. One can raise the dead. One can tell the future. And one can possess another human. Everyone thinks he's crazy....
Intertwined
Unraveled
Twisted
Read them all now!
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"Captivating, mysterious, fun and deep...for readers of John Green or any realistic YA authors, I would highly recommend this new wonderful novel."
--Fresh Fiction
Five Strangers. Countless adventures. One epic way to get lost. Don't miss one of the most anticipated debuts of 2014, Let's Get Lost by Adi Alsaid.
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Four teens across the country have only one thing in common: a girl named Leila. She crashes into their lives in her absurdly red car at the moment they need someone the most.
Hudson, Bree, Elliot and Sonia find a friend in Leila. And when Leila leaves them, their lives are forever changed. But it is during Leila's own 4,268-mile journey that she discovers the most important truth--sometimes, what you need most is right where you started. And maybe the only way to find what you're looking for is to get lost along the way.
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Chapter 1
Begin at the Beginning
A few months earlier
More and more I'd been dreaming about the crash that killed my parents and younger sister. I relived the moments as our car flipped end over end. The sounds of metal crunching into pavement. The stillness when everything was over, and I was the only one awake...maybe the only one alive.
I'd struggled to free myself from the seat belt, desperate to help little Emma. Her head had been twisted at such an odd angle. My mother's cheek had been slashed open like a Christmas ham, and my father's body had been thrown out of the car. Panic had made me stupid, and I'd hit my head on a sharp piece of metal. Darkness had swallowed me whole.
But in my dreams, I watched my mother blink open her eyes. She was disoriented at first, moaning in pain and trying to make sense
of the chaos around her.
Unlike me, she had no problem with her seat belt, freeing herself and turning, her gaze landing on Emma. Tears began to rain down her cheeks.
She looked at me and gasped, reaching out to place a trembling hand on my leg. A river of warmth seemed to rush through me, strengthening me.
"Alice," she shouted, shaking me. "Wake up--"
I jolted upright.
Panting, my body dotted with perspiration, I scanned my surroundings. I saw walls of ivory and gold, painted in swirling patterns. An antique dresser. A furry white rug on the floor. A mahogany nightstand, with a Tiffany lamp perched next to a photo of my boyfriend, Cole.
I was in my new bedroom, safe.
Alone.
My heart slammed against my ribs as though trying to burst free. I forced the dream to the back of my mind and moved to the edge of the bed to peer out the large bay window and find a sense of calm. Despite the gorgeousness of the view--a garden teeming with bright, lush flowers that somehow thrived in the cool October weather--my stomach twisted. Night was in full bloom, and so were the creepies.
Fog that had brewed on the horizon for hours had finally spilled over, gliding closer and closer to my window. The moon was round and full, set ablaze with orange and red, as if the surface had been wounded and was bleeding.
Anything was possible.
Zombies were out tonight.
My friends were out there, too, fighting the creatures without me. I hated myself for falling asleep at such a critical time. What if a slayer needed my help? Called me?
Who was I kidding? No one would call, no matter how badly I was needed.
I stood and paced the room, cursing the injuries that kept me tucked inside. So I'd been sliced from hip to hip a few weeks ago. So what? My stitches had been removed and the flesh was already scarring.
Maybe I should just arm up and head out. I'd rather save someone I love and risk another life-threatening injury than do nothing and stay out of harm's way. But...I didn't know where the group had gone, and more than that, if I did manage to track them down, Cole would freak. He would be distracted.
Distraction killed.
Dang it. I would do as I'd been told and wait.
Minutes stretched into hours as I continued to pace, a sense of unease growing sharper with every second that passed. Would everyone come back alive? We'd lost two slayers in the past month alone. None of us were prepared to lose another.
The hinges on my door squeaked.