“Yes,” he says. I glance down to the other end of the table, and I can tell Kim is listening to our every word. I can’t go out with Luke. As much as I want to, I just can’t.
“Listen, Luke,” I say. “I think you’re really cool and everything, but the truth is, my mom doesn’t really allow me to date yet.”
He looks away, but not before I catch the look of skepticism that crosses his face. A few seats down, I see Kim smirk. “No problem.” I can tell he thinks I’m lying. Of course he thinks I’m lying! If that were true, why wouldn’t I have just told him that from the beginning, instead of basically avoiding him?
“I’m not lying,” I lie. “I just didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want you to think I was a loser.” I’m flipping through my notebook now at a rapid pace. For some reason, I feel like I’m going to cry.
“It’s not a big deal,” he says. He starts getting his stuff together, getting ready to throw his tray away since the bell’s about to ring. I feel desperate, like I need to say something before the bell rings. He stands up.
“Luke,” I start. I look up at him. He’s looking back down at me, a stricken look on his face. “What is it?” I ask, frowning.
I follow his gaze down to my notebook, where at the top of a page of social studies notes, there’s a huge inked heart that says, DEVON LOVES JARED FOREVER. I drew it there one time during lunch in an effort to convince Lexi that I did, in fact, love Jared forever, and that he loved me. I meant to cross it out later.
“Luke … ,” I say. “Listen, it isn’t—”
“No, it’s not a big deal,” he says, shrugging. “You don’t have to explain.”
And for the second time that day, someone I care about turns around and walks away from me.
By the time school’s over, I feel like I’ve been through a battle zone. I can’t wait to get home, change into comfortable clothes, and watch DVDs. Although it might be nice to talk to my mom about some of the stuff that’s going on. Maybe I can tell her everything: the lies, the fake boyfriend, the fact that Mel is mad at me because I didn’t tell her about the stuff that was going on this summer. My mom is usually pretty good at listening. Maybe she’ll have some advice.
I feel a little better, imagining my mom and I having one of those really nice moments you sometimes see on TV shows, where the girl and her mom have this heart-to-heart talk. But when I get home, my mom’s sitting at the kitchen table, working on her laptop.
“What’s for dinner?” I say, sitting myself down across from her. Maybe we’ll even make tea. People in movies are always drinking tea during heart-to-heart chats. Or maybe hot chocolate. With marshmallows. “Do we have any hot chocolate?” I ask. I hop back up from my chair and start going through the cupboard over the microwave. Stuffing mix, a bottle of barbecue sauce, some soup. Where is the hot chocolate when I need it? I finally spot it behind some Cheez Doodles. I grab those too. I think I’ve earned the junk food.
“We’re ordering pizza for dinner,” my mom says.
I pull two mugs down from the shelf and dump a packet of hot chocolate into each of them. That definitely doesn’t look like enough chocolate. I dump an extra packet into one of the cups, figuring I’m going to need mine extra strength.
“I’m going to make hot chocolate for us,” I report. “Do you want double chocolate, or single?” She doesn’t answer me, so I turn around. And my mom’s standing behind me, her hands on her hips, holding a piece of paper in her hand.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“It’s a receipt for a sweater and a belt from bebe,” she says.
“Oh,” I say “You can throw that out. They fit. I’m keeping them.”
“It’s dated for a time and date that you were supposed to be at school, making up a test.”
“Oh.” I am in so much trouble. I am in so much trouble, it’s not even funny. I will not be allowed to leave the house until I’m thirty. I take a deep breath. “Mom,” I say, “I can explain.”
“Devon,” she says. “Please go to your room.”
chapter eleven
I didn’t even get to have my extra chocolate hot chocolate. I had to go right to my room. And my mom had put a password on my computer, because I’m grounded from it, so all I could do was sit there and think about what a mess everything was. And how even my mom was mad at me. Aren’t parents supposed to love you unconditionally? I threw myself on my bed and cried for a while, and then I decided it was time to do damage control. Real damage control this time. No more messing around.
The next morning I arrive at school early and decorate Mel’s locker with my HAPPY BFF DAY signs. I tape streamers to the outside of her locker. I put balloons up. I paste signs and stickers all over the place. And when she gets to school, instead of being excited, she takes one look at it and says, “What’s this?”
“It’s Happy BFF day!” I exclaim. “I know things have been weird between us lately, and I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”
Mel looks at me. Then looks at her locker. Then looks at me again. She pushes some balloons out of the way and silently starts spinning her combination dial. I try another tactic. “So, listen, I’m technically grounded, but do you want to go to the library at lunch? Just the two of us? We could hang out and eat, catch up on everything that’s been going on the past couple weeks.”
“You think it’s that easy, Devon?” She shakes her head. “You think you can just throw some balloons on my locker and that everything will be okay?” She slams her locker shut.
“No,” I say. “I don’t. But I just thought that if we could just sit down and talk, we could work it out. I just—”
“You kept a really big secret from me, Devon. And we were supposed to be best friends. How would you feel if I did that to you?”
I feel my good mood evaporate. She’s right. If Mel had kept something as big as her parents almost getting divorced from me, I would be really upset. “I wouldn’t have liked it,” I say.
“No,” she says quietly. “You wouldn’t have. And balloons and stuff don’t really make up for that. But thanks.”
“Devi!” Lexi calls, rushing up to me. Oh, God. Could she have picked a worse time? “I am having the worst morning.” Her hair is a mess, and her eyes look like she’s been crying. Yeah, join the club, I think.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“It’s Kim and Matt,” she says, biting her lip. She glances at Mel, and I can tell she doesn’t want Mel to know what’s going on.
“Listen, Lexi,” I say, taking a deep breath. “Can we talk about this in a little bit? I’ll meet you at your locker in one minute. I was just trying to—”
“No, it’s okay,” Mel says. “I was just leaving.” And she walks off down the hall. Crap.
“Devi,” Lexi repeats. “Kim’s telling everyone that I knew she liked Matt and I decided to go after him, anyway.”
“That’s insane,” I say. “I am so sick of Kim and her crap. Besides, I thought she liked Luke.” Saying his name out loud makes me feel weird. I think of the look on his face yesterday when he saw what was written in my notebook, and my stomach flips.
“I never knew she liked Matt,” Lexi says.
“I know you didn’t,” I say, fuming. “And she knew YOU liked Matt and SHE went after him. It was completely the other way around.”
“That’s what Jared said!” Lexi says. She rummages through her bag and pulls out a Kleenex. She starts to dab her eyes.
“That’s what Jared said?”
“Yeah, he said that’s what Kim does. That she tries to turn things around on people.” Lexi sighs. “But don’t worry, Devi, there’s nothing going on with Jared and me, I swear. We’ve just been talking a lot on IM, because he knows Kim and Matt really well.” She sniffs again. “He’s really a lot nicer than I thought. I can see why you liked him so much.”
Oh, God. Can things get any worse? Now I’m apparently keeping Lexi away from her true love, when in actuality, I really couldn’t care l
ess if she dated Jared. Jared and his Star Wars book covers and weird hair-gel routines. I wish I had gotten to know him last year. I never would have liked him as much, and this whole mess could have been avoided.
“I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” Lexi says.
Kim comes walking down the hall then, holding Matt O’Connor’s hand. She’s wearing the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen someone wear when it’s fifty degrees out. She looks like she just got her hair cut.
“What’s up, Lexi?” she says, stopping to say hi like they’re not fighting. I move closer to Lexi just in case Kim tries to start something. I’ve never been in a fight before, but I figure if I can channel my stress into fighting, I might have a good chance of winning.
“Nothing,” Lexi says, her eyes narrowing. Matt looks at Lexi uncomfortably, kisses Kim’s cheek, and then walks away down the hall.
“So, listen, I was thinking we could hang out after school,” Kim says. “Matt has soccer practice with Jared”—she flicks her eyes toward me—“so maybe you can come over.”
“Are you kidding?” Lexi says. She laughs. “You stole my boyfriend and you think you can just come over here and pretend like NOTHING’S WRONG?”
“Oh, please,” Kim says, laughing. She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “He wasn’t your boyfriend.”
“Close enough,” I say, feeling like I have to defend my friend. Although Lexi doesn’t seem like she needs any defending right now. She’s not all sniffly and crying anymore. In fact, she looks really, really mad.
“Yeah, I guess according to you, that would be close enough, wouldn’t it?” Kim scoffs. She rolls her eyes and tosses her hair behind her shoulder.
“Leave her out of this,” Lexi says, too mad to even ask what Kim means by that. Thank God. “This is between me and you.” Lexi’s fists are clenched by her side. Wow. She’s really mad. Instead of having Lexi’s back, am I going to have to pull her off Kim? Are they going to fight?
“This is so ridiculous,” Kim says. “You weren’t even going out with him. He wasn’t even yours.” She studies her nails. “You’re going to have to get a thicker skin than that, Lexi. Now can we please get over this whole little thing and talk about hanging out after school? Like I said, Matt has practice, but I’m sure we could get Luke and Jared to hang out.”
I swallow. Lexi takes a step closer to Kim, and I put my hand out. “Lexi,” I say. “Don’t. She’s not worth it.”
“I’ll decide if it’s worth it or not,” Lexi says. She takes another step toward Kim, and Kim moves back.
“You’re not even serious,” Kim says, starting to look a little scared. Not that I blame her. Lexi looks super mad, and she’s at least twenty pounds heavier than Kim. I’m not even sure I could stop her if it came to that.
“Oh, I am serious,” Lexi says. “Serious as a heart attack.” Which is definitely not the coolest or scariest thing she could say in this situation, but I’m sure she’s not thinking straight. With her impending fight and all.
“Lexi,” I say, “Come on.”
“Devi, stay out of it,” Lexi instructs.
“Yeah, Devi,” Kim says sweetly. “Stay out of it. Although …” she says slowly, raising her eyebrows. She grins. A horrible feeling starts in my stomach and moves through my body. “If you want to be mad at anyone, Lexi, you should be mad at Devi. Or Devon. Whatever.”
“What do you mean?” Lexi asks, looking confused. “Why would I be mad at Devon?”
“Well,” Kim says. “You seem to be super mad at me for going out with a guy who wasn’t even yours in the first place, and yet Devon’s the one who’s been lying to you since you guys met.”
“What do you mean?” Lexi asks, her voice sounding small. Some of the fire has definitely gone out of her. Her fists unclench, and she glances between Kim and me uncertainly.
“Kim … ,” I start, trying to get my voice back.
“Hmm, where should I start?” Kim asks. She puts her finger on her chin and tilts her head to the side, like she really is considering. “Let’s see …”
“Lexi,” I say frantically. I grab her arm. “Come on, you don’t have to listen to this. Let’s get out of here.” She shakes me off.
“Well, we should start with the fact that Devon said her name is Devi, which I’ve never heard anyone call her.” She frowns and crinkles her eyes as if she’s considering again. “Although, I wouldn’t really know if that was true, since I never even knew her until you got here.”
“What do you mean?” Lexi asks, frowning. She looks at me. “Devi, what does she mean?”
“Um, I dunno,” I say brilliantly. DONOTPANIC, DONOTPANIC, DONOTPANIC. “I think she’s just trying to cause trouble. Now, come on,” I say to Lexi. “We don’t have to listen to this.” I’m totally in denial. I’m like one of those women on soap operas who finds the phone number of another woman in her husband’s pocket and yet still doesn’t think her husband is cheating.
“Not to mention the fact that she was never even dating Jared,” Kim says.
“Devi?” Lexi says, looking at me. The look on her face is a mixture of confusion and awe.
“I have no idea what she’s talking about,” I say, laughing. “Ha-ha, good one, Kim.” I look at Lexi, desperate. “She’s just trying to cause trouble.”
Kim rolls her eyes. “Devon, give it up.” She looks down the hall to where Jared is standing with Luke, in front of Luke’s locker.
“Hey, Jared,” she calls. “Have you ever dated Devi?”
“No,” Jared says. “Why?”
“See?” Kim says, ignoring him and turning back around.
“But … but she didn’t tell anyone because Melissa likes him,” Lexi says. But even as she’s saying it, I can tell she knows the truth.
“That’s just what she said so you wouldn’t tell anyone,” Kim says. “Now can we please talk about hanging out tonight?”
“No,” Lexi says, taking a step back. She looks at me, and now she looks really upset. “We can’t.”
The rest of the day is a nightmare. I huddle in the library during lunch, pretending to be engrossed in a book that I’ve plucked randomly off the shelf. But all I can think about is the fact that everyone hates me. I consider pretending to be sick and going to the nurse’s office, but then I figure if Kim notices I’m not in English, it might just be worse. When I do get to English, Kim and Jared ignore me. Which leaves me grateful, as there’s no way I wanted to deal with anyone taunting me. In social studies, Luke ignores me too.
When I get home from school, my mom’s in the living room, having a cup of tea and watching Oprah.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi.” I plop myself down on the couch. I’m so emotionally exhausted that I think I might have to sleep for a year.
“There are chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen if you want some,” she says. “I finished a huge project today, so I had some time on my hands.”
I burst into tears.
“Oh my goodness, Devon, what’s wrong?” My mom sits up in the chair she’s in and sets her mug down on the coffee table.
“Everything,” I say. And everything is wrong. Even my mom, who I’ve obviously disappointed by lying to her and being the worst daughter ever, is making me cookies. Cookies that I don’t deserve.
“Tell me,” she says. And so I do. The whole thing. From the beginning. How I lied this summer about Jared being my boyfriend. How Lexi showed up at school. How I started to like Luke. How I never told Mel about the problems my parents were having. How Jared and Lexi like each other, but aren’t together because of me. How Kim told everyone. How I feel horrible for lying to her and sneaking out while I was grounded.
“And the thing is,” I say, when I finish, “is that I don’t know how to fix any of it. It’s like things just keep getting worse and worse. And the most horrible part is that it’s all my fault.” My mom hands me a tissue. I blow my nose. “I’m a horrible person, and I deserve everything I get.”
??
?Oh, Devon,” my mom says. “You’re not a horrible person. You just got caught up in a bad situation.”
“A bad situation that I started,” I say, sniffling.
“People make mistakes,” my mom says, shrugging. “I don’t think you did any of this knowing you were going to hurt people, did you?”
“No,” I say. “But the point is that I did hurt people. I hurt everyone. Everyone I cared about, or who trusted me.”
“So fix it,” my mom says. “It’s not about if you screwed up or not. Everyone screws up. It’s how you fix it that counts.”
“But how?” I say. “How do I fix it?”
“You have to tell the truth,” my mom says.
“But they already all know the truth.”
“No, they don’t,” my mom points out. “And the truth they do know, they heard from someone else. They need to hear it from you. They have to hear you take responsibility for what you did.”
She heads to the kitchen and comes back with two steaming mugs of tea and a plateful of cookies. Why is it that the hardest thing and the right thing are always the same?
On Saturday I’m supposed to go to Jared’s to finish filming our project, which means I can’t avoid the inevitable anymore. I haven’t talked to Luke or anyone about the plan, so I call him on Saturday morning to make sure we’re still on.
“Um, hi,” I say when he answers the phone. “It’s Devon.”
“Yeah?” he says. He sounds like he could care less it’s me, which scares me a little bit. At least if he’s mad at me, it means he cares a little, right? I take a deep breath.
“Uh, I was just calling to make sure we’re still on for today,” I say. Great. The way I said that makes it out like we’re going out on a date or something. “I mean, is everyone still going to film the project?”
“Yes,” he says. Silence. I almost want to ask him if I’m still invited, but that’s crazy, right? I mean, it’s MY project too. They couldn’t disinvite me even if they wanted to. “Is that all?”