“Oh, okay,” I say, trying to sound breezy. There’s a lump in my throat, though, so my words come out kind of strangled.
Silence again on the phone. It goes on so long that I’m not sure Luke is still even there. Should I just hang up? Say bye? “Um, are you still there?” I ask. Silence. “Hello?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” he says.
“Oh. You weren’t saying anything.”
“I said ‘Is that all?’”
“That was like five minutes ago.” Silence again. I don’t want him to hang up the phone. “Listen, I don’t want things to be weird between us,” I say.
“Okay.”
“Luke—”
“I don’t want things to be weird either.” He sighs.
“Good, because with the project and everything—”
“I know you like Jared, enough to make up the fact that he was your boyfriend. Kim told me.”
“Luke, I—”
“No, it’s not a big deal. I just wanted you to know that you could have told me you weren’t interested in hanging out, that you liked someone else. You didn’t have to lie, Devon.” He pauses. “But I guess that’s what you do. Lie, I mean.”
“No!” I say. “I mean, yes, I do lie. I mean, I did lie, but I don’t like Jared, Luke. I never liked Jared. Well, I mean, I did like Jared, but I don’t know, it was just—”
“Whatever,” he says, cutting me off. “I said what I wanted to say. We still have a little bit of work to do on our project, and I don’t want our grade to suffer just because things are weird between you and me.”
And then he really does hang up, because there’s a dial tone in my ear, and I set the receiver back down.
I feel the burning start behind my eyes, hot pinpricks that will turn into tears.
“What’s wrong, Devon?” Katie asks. She comes into the kitchen from the living room, wearing a pair of footie pajamas. Her hair is in a messy ponytail.
“I’m sad,” I say.
“How come?” I sit down at the table, and she crawls up onto my lap and rests her head on my shoulder.
“Because a lot of people are mad at me,” I say.
“Did you do something bad?” Katie asks knowingly.
“Yes,” I say. “I did.”
“Then say you’re sorry,” Katie says. “And they will forgive you.” She wraps a strand of my hair around her finger.
“But what if they don’t?” I say.
“Of course they will,” Katie says, rolling her eyes. “If you did something bad to me, and then you said sorry, I would forgive you.”
“You would?”
“Of course.” She hops down from my lap. “Wanna make Rice Krispies Treats?”
“Sure,” I say, wiping my tears with a napkin on the table. And so we do.
Three hours and three batches of Rice Krispies Treats later (we were trying to get the marshmallow-to-Rice Krispies ratio just right, which involved sending my dad to the grocery store for more marshmallows at one point, since we were using bags upon bags), I’m standing at Jared’s front door.
I’ve decided to look at this like I’m a soldier going off to battle, just something that I need to get through in order to get on with my life. I ring the doorbell.
Jared answers the door. “Whaddup?” he says when he sees me standing there.
“Um, nothing,” I say.
“We’re downstairs.” He turns around, and I follow him through his living room and to the basement door. He doesn’t seem mad at me, which is a good sign. But I’ve spoken too soon, because once I’m downstairs, it becomes apparent that this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
No one says hi to me. For the first ten minutes, while Matt’s setting up the camera and everyone else is talking and eating snacks, I sit on the couch, saying and doing nothing.
Finally Lexi comes up to me, holding a black robe and white wig. “Here,” she says. “This is your costume.”
“Thanks,” I say, taking it. “Uh, where should I change?”
“You can just put it on over your clothes,” she says, taking in my blue sweater and jeans. I slip the robe on and put the white wig over my hair. There are no mirrors in Jared’s basement, and I hope I don’t look too goofy.
“This is crazy,” Kim is saying. “Luke, can we please not wear this stuff?” She looks at the robe with disdain.
“What do you think they wore back then, Kim?” Jared asks, rolling his eyes.
“Well, they should have worn stuff that was cuter. Maybe they would have lived longer.” She giggles and puts her hand on her hip, showing off the tight pink T-shirt she’s wearing. I think Kim stuffs her bra.
I look over to where Matt is setting up the camera, wondering how he’s going to react to Kim flirting with Jared, but he doesn’t seem to notice.
“Can I at least go upstairs and look in the mirror?” Kim asks, rummaging through her purse and pulling out a lip gloss and a compact. “Plus I’m going to need more makeup if I’m going to be filmed.”
“Fine,” Jared says.
“Lexi, wanna come with?” Kim asks, but Lexi just shakes her head.
Kim bounds up the stairs.
“Okay,” Matt says. “The camera’s ready.” He holds it on his shoulder, and starts filming. “This,” he says, “is Jared.” He zooms in on Jared, who looks annoyed and puts his hand up.
Kim returns, looking cute in her wig and her robe. “I’m ready,” she sings, doing a little twirl.
It doesn’t take the long to film the project. Except for a few small mix-ups, everyone seems to know their lines pretty well. Even Jared.
“Hey, Luke,” Kim says when we’re finished filming, folding up her robe and placing it in the plastic bag on Jared’s sofa. “What are you doing after this? You want to come over?”
I start pulling off my own robe, pretending I’m not listening, but I’m secretly pleased when Luke replies, “I can’t,” and doesn’t offer any other explanation.
“Hey, Lexi,” I say on our way out. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Nope,” she says, and then marches up the stairs. When we get outside, she hops into her mom’s van, and it might be my imagination, but I think I catch her mom giving me a dirty look before they pull out and get onto the road. All right then.
When I get home, I make the following list:
Problems, Reasons, and Possible Solutions
Problem Number One: Mel is mad at me.
Reason: I basically blew her off while I pretended to be Devi, and I didn’t tell her about my parents.
Possible Solution: Beg for Mel’s forgiveness? Explain to her exactly what is going on with my parents and why I didn’t want to tell her. Apologize.
Problem Number Two: Lexi is mad at me.
Reason: I lied to her about basically everything.
Possible Solution: Tell her why I lied—that it felt good being able to be someone else for a while, and that just because I lied about certain aspects of my life doesn’t mean that our friendship wasn’t real. Tell Jared to stop being mean to Lexi. Apologize.
Problem Number Three: Luke is mad at me.
Reason: He thinks I led him on, when I really liked Jared.
Possible Solution: Tell Luke the truth, that I did used to like Jared, but I don’t anymore. Tell Luke I like him. Make him listen if he doesn’t want to. Apologize.
BOTTOM LINE: I have a lot of work to do, and it isn’t going to be easy.
On Monday morning I march up to Jared’s locker even though he’s standing there with Luke. At this point, I have nothing to lose. Plus I figure if I was able to do this kind of stuff when I was Devi, I should certainly be able to do it now, when it’s much more important.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” Jared says. Luke looks at the ground uncomfortably.
“I need to talk to you,” I say.
“It’s almost time for homeroom,” Jared says. He slams his locker door shut.
“Yeah, I know,” I say. “Bu
t I need to tell you something.”
“Okay,” he says, shrugging.
“I’ll catch you later,” Luke says to Jared, but as Jared and I walk down the hall, I can feel Luke’s eyes boring holes into my back. My heart leaps a little bit. If he’s interested at least a little bit in what’s going on between Jared and me, he must still care, right?
“So listen,” I say, taking a deep breath. This is going to be tough. “I know you know that I lied about you being my boyfriend.”
“Yup,” Jared says, nodding. He shifts his books from one arm to the other.
“Are you mad?” I frown.
“Not really,” he says, shrugging. “It’s pretty obvious that you had a crush on me.”
“It is? I mean, it was?” This is not the way things are supposed to go down. Even though he seemed cool at his house on Saturday, I expected him to be a little angrier at me.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, well, I did have a crush on you last year,” I say. “But I don’t now.” He doesn’t say anything, so I take a deep breath. “And I’m sorry, because I made it really difficult for you to get to know Lexi better. I told you to be mean to her, and that was wrong of me.”
“Yeah, I kind of figured that out,” he says. “But it doesn’t really matter now. She likes Matt.”
“No,” I say. “She doesn’t.”
“She doesn’t? But she’s always talking about him, about how mad she is that he’s with Kim now.”
“Yeah, she’s mad that he was a jerk to her, but I really think she’s over it.” I lean in closer to Jared and lower my voice. “In fact, the last few times we’ve hung out, all she can talk about is how great you’ve been to her.”
“Really?” he says, his eyes lighting up.
“Yeah,” I say. “And I think the only reason she didn’t seem interested in you before was because she thought I liked you. Which I don’t. Anymore.”
“So what should I do?” he asks.
“Ask her out. Be nice to her.”
“You think she’ll go for it?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I do.
“Thanks, Devi.” The bell rings then, and he heads off to homeroom. One down, three more to go.
In social studies, I approach Luke before the bell rings.
“Hey,” I say. “Do you think I could talk to you for a second?”
“If you’re worried about the project, I have it,” he says, holding up the DVD of our skit.
“Um, no,” I say, “that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Then no,” he says, “I don’t want to talk.”
“Luke, listen,” I say. “I did like Jared, and I did lie to Lexi about going out with him. But that was before I knew him, before I knew you.” I swallow and look down at my hands. “And I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry that I lied.”
“Is that all?” he says, looking straight ahead.
“Yeah,” I say. “I guess so.” This is all wrong. This is not how this is supposed to be happening. Luke is supposed to forgive me, to tell me it’s okay, that he doesn’t have any hard feelings. Isn’t that what happens when people apologize? Suddenly I realize that people may not want to forgive me. That maybe I’ve done irreparable damage.
“Well, thanks,” he says. “I appreciate you apologizing.”
He turns around, toward the front of the classroom, and I have no choice but to head to my seat.
For the second day in a row, I drag myself home, dejected.
“Whaddup?” Katie asks happily when she sees me. She’s wearing a snowsuit and a pair of swim goggles.
“I’m upset,” I declare, walking into the living room and throwing myself down on the couch.
Katie follows me. “I’m a skier,” she says happily.
“Great,” I say.
“Devon! Cheer up!” she demands.
“I can’t,” I say.
“Why not?” She pulls her goggles off her eyes.
“Because I’m still sad,” I say.
“Did you apologize?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say.
She frowns and puts her hands on her hips. “Did you really apologize? Did you try your very hardest?”
“Well …” I didn’t, really. I haven’t even talked to Mel or Lexi yet, although the way things are going, I’m not in a rush to do so.
“Then you must not admit defeat,” Katie says solemnly. “You need to have the heart of a champion.” She snaps her goggles back over her eyes and pretends to be skiing down a mountain. I start laughing. I can’t help it. She just looks so funny, talking like a five-year-old philosopher, and dressed in a ski outfit.
“I love you, Katie Kate,” I say.
“I love you, too, Devi Dev,” she says.
“Hey,” I say. “You want to ask Mom and Dad if we can go out to dinner tonight?”
“Yeah!” she says, then frowns. “Can I wear my ski outfit?”
“Well, duh,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Of course.”
My parents agree to take us out to dinner at a steakhouse in the mall. We order steaks and big gooey desserts, and my mom tells a story about my dad getting chased all over the lawn by a squirrel this summer while Katie and I were at my grandma’s. After dinner, we even take my parents to DDR. Surprisingly my mom is really good at it. It feels nice. Although I see Matt O’Connor at the arcade with Kayleigh Trusco, I’m able to ignore them, and just be with my family, laughing and having fun. For a while, I forget about the stuff that’s going on with Mel, with Lexi, with Luke, with everyone. But then, as we’re leaving the arcade, something happens that brings it all back.
On the way out, I run into Brent Madison, the guy Mel’s had a crush on forever.
“Hey,” he says when he sees me. “Where’s your other half?”
“My other half?” I ask.
“Yeah, cute girl with blue eyes? Really tiny?” He holds his hand up to indicate a short person. I stare at him blankly. “Melissa?” he says, probably thinking I’m an idiot.
“Oh,” I say, laughing. “She’s not here.”
“Well, tell her I miss you guys giggling in the library and distracting me from my work.” He turns around then and heads into the restaurant, and I feel a surge of elation pass through me. He asked about Mel!
But just like that, it disappears. Mel’s not talking to me, so it’s not like I can tell her.
“Hey, Mom?” I ask in the car on the way home. “Can you take me to Mel’s?”
“Now?” my mom asks.
“Yeah,” I say, holding my breath. She glances at my dad. “It’s a school night.”
“Yeah, I know,” I say.
She looks at me in the rearview mirror, and for a second, I think she’s going to point out the fact that I’m grounded. But she doesn’t. She just nods. We drop my sister and my dad at home first, and then take the car over to Mel’s.
My stomach starts to churn nervously. I didn’t call her to tell her I was coming, figuring it would probably be better to just show up. She probably would have said she didn’t want to see me, and I don’t want to have to do this over the phone.
We pull into Mel’s driveway, and my mom puts the car in park. “Wait,” I say. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Sure you can,” my mom says.
“I don’t think so,” I say, shaking my head. “She’s going to hate me. She’s going to be really mad at me.”
“She’s already really mad at you,” my mom points out. “At this point, you have nothing to lose.”
She’s right. I open the car door slowly. I feel like that movie, Dead Man Walking. Only I’m like dead teenager walking or something. Not that this situation is the same as being on death row or anything. But it’s still pretty bad.
I ring the doorbell and stand on the porch, waiting for someone to answer the door. Both of Mel’s parents’ cars are here, so I know they’re home. What if Mel slams the door in my face? Or what if she makes one of her parents come to the door
to tell me she’s not home? Or what if—
“Oh,” Mel says, opening the door. “It’s you.”
“Yeah,” I say. “It’s me.” There’s an awkward silence. She doesn’t invite me in. Why isn’t she inviting me in? Oh, right. Because she’s mad at me for being a terrible friend. “Um, can I come in?”
“I guess so,” she says, shrugging. She walks away from the door. I guess I’m supposed to follow her. I glance over my shoulder. My mom gives me a reassuring little wave from the car.
“So,” I say, once we’re sitting in Mel’s living room. It feels weird being here, in her living room. Usually when I come over, we head right to her room. Being in the living room doesn’t feel right, like I’m a stranger or someone who she doesn’t feel comfortable letting into her bedroom.
“So,” Mel says. She stretches herself out on the couch. She looks bored.
“How have you been?”
“Fine.” I had this whole thing planned out, how I was going to confess everything and apologize, and now that I’m here, it’s like the words won’t come. I realize how devastated I’m going to be if I lose Mel’s friendship.
“Good,” I say. I take a deep breath. “Listen, I’m so sorry. About everything.” When in doubt, start with an apology.
“It’s okay,” she says, shrugging. “It’s not a big deal.” But she doesn’t mean it, I can tell.
“It is a big deal,” I say. “At least to me.” I sigh. “Mel, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about my parents. But it was this whole weird thing. I mean, we were supposed to be going away to stay with my grandma in case my parents got divorced.” I look down at the couch. “And it was just easier for me not to deal with it, you know?”
“But you told Lexi,” Mel says quietly. “You told Lexi, and you didn’t tell me.”
“I know,” I say. “And I know you think it’s because I think Lexi’s a better friend, or because I trust her more. But that’s not why.” I feel my voice start to catch, so I rush on. “Lexi didn’t know me the way you do, Mel. Lexi thought I was this totally cool, totally together person who had a hot boyfriend and could deal with things like her parents getting divorced. I knew she wouldn’t feel sorry for me.” Mel looks at me, and I keep going. “But I knew you would know how hard it was going to be for me if my parents were going to get a divorce. And I didn’t really want to talk about it or think about it.” I feel the tears pricking the back of my eyelids. “I’m so, so sorry Mel.”