He opened his eyes slowly and smiled up at me though his expression was not carefree. He seemed anxious when he was usually his most relaxed after his release. His chest rose as he took a breath, and Branford traced the edge of my jaw with the tip of his finger as his breathing continued to slow. He placed an additional light kiss against my neck before sitting up and beginning to gather our clothing. He said we would need to head back soon, for we needed to speak with Sunniva though he did not give the reason.
“I wanted to be the one to teach you to read,” Branford said suddenly as he pulled his shirt over his head and shoved his arms through the sleeves, “but I fear I will have to turn the task over to a proper tutor.”
I laced up my dress and was about to ask him why he had changed his mind, but he continued before I had the chance.
“We will need to discuss the nobility of the surrounding lands as well,” he told me. “I will need to teach you which areas are truly friendly to Silverhelm and which only pretend to be. I need you to know whom I can truly trust, who can be trusted only to a degree, and who should be avoided—even those within the court here. Thankfully, Amarra is well-trained. I’m going to move her into our rooms tonight if you are still agreeable.”
“Yes, of course.” I did not understand his sudden sense of urgency, but the look in his eyes bade me not argue. He reached out and gently traced the side of my face. His eyes narrowed, and his expression was pained.
“I’m a fool, Alexandra.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because choosing a wife was probably one of the more important decisions I could have made, and I treated it with such…indifference. Now that you are here, I realize how important my choice was and how I should have gone about it. I have done it all wrong.”
I looked down at my hands. Though I had assumed he probably would not have chosen me if he had realized how inept I truly was when it came to matters of the court, I had not actually heard him voice it. My stomach clenched, and for the first time since our marriage was complete, I began to wonder if this was going to be the end of it—was he going to tell me now that it was all a grave mistake? After everything he had done, I had not thought such a thing possible any longer, but the reality was I was still a commoner, and he was a prince. He had every right to have me removed.
The fear this thought evoked went far beyond my uncertain station.
“I should have thought about all the things you would need to know and understand, yet I didn’t. I had but one goal in mind—refuse to marry Whitney, embarrass her, and anger her father. It was only a small step in my plan, but I should have thought it through so much more. Sunniva is right—how can I lead my people if I will take such an important decision and use it to further my own goals?”
I felt hot tears stinging my eyes and tried to blink them away lest he see me wipe them with my hand. I was not going to be good enough. I had no idea how to be his wife, let alone the queen of an entire kingdom. Even if Queen Sunniva were to help me, how would I ever learn everything I needed to know? Branford, who was destined to be a king, admitted to making mistakes. How could I possibly be what he needed? How could I ever be good enough to be the Queen of Silverhelm?
“I will try harder, my...Branford,” I whispered. “I swear I will. I—”
“Alexandra—no!” Branford rose up on his knees and grabbed my hands in his. “These are not your failings, my wife—they are mine! I can only assume it was God’s intervention that has saved me. That can be the only reason my plan has somehow delivered you to me. I just have to stop assuming and start actually thinking. There is so much I need to teach you—so much you need to know. My focus has been on the one aspect of our marriage I do understand, and there are so many more lessons you must learn—not for my sake, but for your own—to keep you safe and to prepare you for what is to come. Alexandra, please…please do not believe this is a reflection of you. You are perfect for me.”
“Perfect?” There was doubt evident in my voice. I listened to the sound of the word in my head and wondered if I may have heard him wrong. If I knew so little, how could I be perfect as his wife?
“Yes, perfect,” he repeated. He pulled at my hand until I was sitting in his lap. Though not in our chair, I still felt my body relax into him. “Do you not see, Alexandra? You are like most of the people in my kingdom, and I am just now beginning to understand how little I know of them. I need you to teach me, too.”
“But what can I teach you?”
“You can teach me what my people need,” Branford said. He took my face in his hands, and his dark jade eyes blazed at me. “I have always thought myself a just ruler, but then you began telling me all these stories from your life, and I realized there must be people here, in my own castle who have lived lives not dissimilar to yours. Alexandra, I’ve never even considered what their lives are like. It has never crossed my mind. Every time you speak of something done to you or to those you knew, I am shocked, and I am angered. My first thoughts faulted Edgar because he cares not for his people, but I myself have given servant girls to knights after winning tournaments, and I have no idea what happened to them afterwards.”
He took a long breath and tightened his grip on me.
“Had it not been for your intervention, I would have killed Thomas the day we arrived,” he said. “If I had killed him, I would have lost you and never even known it was truly my own fault. You stopped me from making what would have been the gravest mistake of my life.”
I felt another tear in my eye though it was not for the same reason.
“I need you, Alexandra,” Branford said. He turned my face to his and pressed his lips against the corner of my eye, slowly kissing the tears from my face. “I need you to show me where I am wrong.”
“Your word is law,” I whispered. “How can you ever be wrong?”
“You will be my voice of reason someday,” Branford said, “when you are ready for it. I need you to be exactly who you are. I need you to help me help my people—especially now.”
“Why now?”
I watched as Branford’s chest expanded with his deep breath. He let it out slowly while his eyes stared at the ground.
“I will be leaving tomorrow,” Branford finally said with his eyes still downcast. I felt my chest tighten.
“Leaving?”
“Parnell is riding here tonight, and Ida will stay in Castle Silverhelm until we return.”
“Where are you going?” I asked though I knew the answer already.
“To war.”
And that was when I first began to feel like there was a hole in my chest.
Chapter 5—Dolefully Struggle
“War?” The word came out of my mouth in barely a whisper.
Branford nodded his head once.
“With Hadebrand?”
He nodded again.
“King Edgar has amassed an army.” As Branford confirmed my fears, I remembered the words of the forester from days ago. “Those that attacked us were not robbers but men from Hadebrand, hoping to ambush me on my way back from Sawyer. If we had paused much longer, they would have had many more men waiting to claim my life and likely yours as well. They sit near our borders now, barely a day’s ride from here. Their intent is clear.”
I was completely unable to respond. Since the day we were wed, I knew this was what he wanted—what he had planned to do since long before he brought me back here as his wife—but his words were unexpected, nonetheless. I knew though—I knew something was wrong since the day we picked up Amarra from William and took her to meet the rest of Branford’s dogs. Since that day, he had been distant and often completely absent.
We rode back to the castle in near silence, speaking only of mundane things and not broaching the subject of Branford’s impending departure. He gripped me tightly against his chest, and he kissed the top of my head over and over again.
When we returned to our rooms in the evening, my eyes fell upon the leather-wrapped package I had planned t
o save for the celebration of Branford’s birth. I felt pressure behind my eyes as I reached for the gift and picked it up slowly.
“My…Branford?”
Branford broke into a smile for the first time since we had left the meadow.
“Yes, my Alexandra?” He cocked his head to one side and graced me with his half smile. I felt my cheeks redden. If we were married for fifty years, I would never get used to that particular expression.
“May I…may I give you something?”
“I can think of something I would like to get from you,” he said darkly. I turned to find his eyes moving slowly down my body and back up again.
“It is not that,” I said as I shyly turned my head back to the bound leather. I unwrapped it, reached in, and brought out the saddle blanket I had made. “I…um…this was some of the cloth you bought for me. It is actually for Romero, I suppose.
I decided to just hand it to him before I lost my nerve altogether. Branford took the bundle of cloth from me and examined it.
“I have been learning to embroider,” I explained, abruptly feeling foolish.
“You embroidered the Sterling coat of arms?”
“Yes,” I replied. “It does not look as good as the queen’s work, but I am getting better.”
“You have done a fine job,” he said. He opened up the cloth and examined the whole piece. “It is a saddle blanket, yes? The embroidery will rest right near Romero’s left shoulder.”
“Yes, it will.” I smiled, glad it was obvious.
Branford’s gaze met mine, and he leaned forward to kiss me lightly on my lips.
“Thank you, my wife.”
“I have one more thing for you,” I said quietly. I wasn’t sure why I felt nervous giving a gift to him directly even though he had accepted the one for Romero gracefully enough.
“What do you have?” Branford’s half smile appeared, making his eyes twinkle with playfulness. He raised an eyebrow at me, and I realized he might think I was offering something else. I blushed readily, and he laughed. “Go on—tell me.”
“It is just a little thing,” I said with a shrug as I brought out the green silk and held it to him. Branford took it in his hands, turning it over and over.
“Is it a scarf?” he asked.
“Not exactly,” I said. “You are to wear it round your neck, though. It is supposed to be worn under your armor to bring you luck.”
“Luck?”
“And keep you safe,” I added softly. “Sunniva told me if I made you something to wear near your heart, it would bring you luck.”
“It is like a baldric, then?” he asked as he raised his arms and positioned the cloth over one shoulder and across his heart. I nodded, glad he understood. “You made this for me?”
“Yes.” I stepped from one foot to the other, and my voice dropped in volume. “When you wear it, the embroidery goes, um, it goes over your heart.”
“I will wear it with the utmost pride,” he said as he adjusted it until the embroidery was in just the right place. He reached out and touched the edge of my jaw, turning my face to look at him.
“I was going to save it for your birth celebration,” I said quietly. I tried to hold in the tears I could feel in my eyes. I wanted to be strong for him. I didn’t want him to see me upset. “Perhaps it will keep you safe in the days to come.”
“Thank you,” he said quietly, his eyes intense. He looked at me for a long moment before he lowered his gaze, took a deep breath, and looked at me again. “Alexandra, I know we have not been in each other’s company for so very long, but…”
He paused a moment and smiled broadly, his fingers still tracing my cheek. His eyes fluttered closed for a moment, and he took a deep breath before he spoke again.
“I will be eternally grateful that you caught my eye that day,” he finally said. “So much has changed since then though it has not even been a month. I have longed for war with Edgar for years, and now that it has come, all I can think of is the dread I feel when faced with leaving you here. I expected to be eager for war, but now…”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me to him.
“What is different?” I asked.
“I do not know if I can bear being away from you,” Branford murmured into my neck.
Later that evening, after Branford had filled me with his child-giving seed, he held my body close, and he found that spot on my neck, right underneath my ear, to kiss and suck. With his face still in the space between my head and shoulder, he drifted quickly into sleep. This did not surprise me, for I knew he had not slept much these past few nights.
My mind could not rest even though my body desired it. I felt as though I was trying to memorize the feel of his warm body against me, his hands in my hair, and the slow, steady rhythm of his slumbered breaths. I reached up to touch the side of his rough face and wondered if I should have shaved him the night before since it would be some time before I would have another opportunity.
Some time.
But how long?
How long did a war last? I had no idea when he might return, and I found myself wondering if there was something I should say to my husband. Some words of encouragement or of comfort though I did not have any words to offer. There were words I wished to say—longed to say—but the time did not seem to be right.
“I love you,” I whispered softly as I stroked the side of his face, confident that only the darkness had heard me. Rousing my husband from sleep was quite a task, and I knew my quiet words would not even come close. These were the words that ran through my mind continuously as I thought of how our day would start with Branford leading his army away from the castle and off to war with Hadebrand. Would telling him such words spur on his bravery or cause him distress? What if he thought I only said the words because he was leaving and not because I truly had feelings for him? I remembered well his words when he took me as his wife for the first time—when he said he hoped that someday we would have stronger feelings for each other. Though I was sure he did not yet feel the same way for me, my own feelings became more apparent to me each day.
The hours wore on, and as I took a deep breath, I was no more decided on the matter than I had been at the beginning of the night. I lay my head back on Branford’s chest and closed my eyes though I knew it was too late, and dawn would be upon us before I would find any slumber.
As warm breezes began to rustle through our open windows, I felt Branford stir in his sleep and gently ran my fingers over the side of his rough face. He hummed under his breath, and his head turned to kiss the side of my hand.
“Have you slept at all?” he asked quietly.
“Somewhat,” I said, for I had dozed a little.
He turned his body toward me and pulled me tightly against him. He brushed his fingers slowly up and down my arm. There was still some time before dawn and his departure.
“You must promise me something,” he said into the darkness. “You must take care of yourself for me. I do not know how long I may be away from the castle, but I want to be sure when I return to find you in good health. Perhaps even showing my child in your belly, hmm?”
His smile was impossible not to return as he rolled on top of me and brought us together as one. My arms wrapped tightly around his back as he moved inside of me, but I was far too anxious to relax under his touch and find my release. Branford seemed to sense this and kissed me softly as he poured into me only a few minutes after he started.
He moved his hand up my shoulder to cup my face, and I turned to look at him. He brushed my cheek with his thumb, and his expression was melancholy as he traced the lines of my face.
“Promise me,” he repeated, his voice more earnest than before. “Rest and eat properly. You had almost nothing of your dinner last night.”
“I will try,” I told him. “Will you do the same?”
He continued to look into my eyes for a moment before nodding.
“Battle tends to make for good rest and a hearty appe
tite.” He tried to smile, but it faltered quickly. I turned my head to lie on his shoulder, and his hand went to my hair, stroking it gently as the sun began to emit an eerie glow in the field outside our window.
“I will worry for your safety,” I admitted.
“I shall be fine, my wife,” he said. “And the castle guard will remain partially intact, so you will not be without protection. Colin will remain as your guard, and I believe Amarra is adjusting well to the pack and will also provide you security.”
This was not something I had considered.
“They could come here?” I whispered.
“I will not allow that,” Branford stated with conviction, “but it is always better to remain cautious.”
I looked at him, intending to press him on the matter, but was interrupted by his mouth on mine, his hands pressed tightly to my back as he kissed me again and again. They were light, quiet kisses, and when he was finished, his gaze bore into mine as he touched my face and hair. I looked closely at him, wondering when I would again feel the touch of his hands in my hair or his lips on my throat.
All too soon, he rose quietly and began to dress as I heated water for his tea and donned a simple dress. I took his arm as we walked in silence to the field where Parnell was already assembled with many men and what appeared to be hundreds of warhorses.
Camden and Sunniva appeared shortly after, and I spotted Ida sitting off to the side of the field and staring at her hands clasped in her lap. She occasionally glanced at Parnell, who was instructing a page on the proper adjustment of a horse’s saddle. Branford released my arm and went to him, speaking quietly with words I could not hear. The men assembled outside the gates were kissing wives and children before mounting their horses and lining up with the rest of the army.
I could not help but wonder which of them were saying their final goodbyes.
All of us stood outside the castle gates. The field was covered with men and horses as far as the eye could see. Black and gold banners were held high in the front of the group, and others held spears, halberds, and maces high into the air as they shouted back and forth to each other in the dim morning light.