Branford and Parnell approached, and Sunniva immediately grabbed Branford and buried her forehead against his chest. He held her tightly and spoke softly into her ear. Ida and Parnell leaned close to one another, their hands clasped tightly together as they just stared into each other’s eyes, not speaking. Sunniva finally released Branford from her grasp and told him to be careful. Camden and Branford clasped each other’s forearms and spoke softly before Camden took Sunniva’s arm and led her away from the scene.
I stood in mute shock, my brain unable to process everything that was happening so quickly. Branford looked into my eyes as he closed the distance between us and placed his hands on my shoulders.
“I will return to you,” he said.
As much as I wished to believe his promise, I knew it was a promise he could not guarantee. I closed my eyes as I felt the back of his hand slide over my face. I could feel the eyes of those in the court who had come to see the knights off to battle as well as the eyes of the knights as they watched our exchange. I wished I had the forethought to have said my goodbyes to him in the privacy of our rooms.
“Please be careful,” I responded. I looked back to his eyes and felt a tear escape from the corner of my eye.
“No…no…Alexandra, do not cry.” His fingertip captured the wetness before he leaned close to kiss the same spot on my cheek.
“I don’t wish to be apart from you,” I said as I leaned against his hand.
“You will be with me,” he said softly. He took my hand and placed it over his heart and over the baldric he wore underneath the links of chainmail. “Right here with me—always.”
Again, those three words came to my thoughts, and I wanted to say them. Again, I stayed my tongue, knowing this was not the right time. Still, my emotions took over, and I was unable to hold back any longer. I threw myself against his chest, and my tears flowed freely.
Branford held me to him a moment before he pulled my arms from around him, and he forcibly separated our bodies. He touched the side of my face and brushed his lips over mine. When I looked to his eyes, there seemed to be more he wanted to say, but as he parted his lips and licked over them, he said nothing more.
He turned and mounted his horse, calling to his men as they all began to ride through the castle gates. I stared after him, my unwavering gaze at his back until not only Branford but the rest of the company had disappeared from view.
I felt a hand on my arm and turned to find Sunniva beside me, her eyes also full of tears. She pulled both Ida and me close to her, and we all embraced together.
“Be strong for them,” she whispered to us. “Pray for them. It is all we can do now.”
*****
The thoughts and feelings that went through my mind during those first few days were far too convoluted and confusing. I knew of Branford’s desire for war since the first day I came to Silverhelm, and though I had considered in the back of my mind what it might be like, the reality of it was far, far different.
My mind would not stop producing the most horrific of images, usually dealing with a messenger coming to our rooms to inform me of Branford’s demise on the battlefield. Every time the door to our rooms opened, I cringed, sure that this was the time they would tell me of my husband’s death. Thankfully, it was usually either Janet or Samantha, Thomas’ wife, bringing me something to eat, but more often than not, the meal remained untouched.
At one point, my concern had been only for myself, wondering what would become of me if Branford were no more. Now, I did not care. If he fell, whatever happened to me no longer mattered. I could go back to being a handmaid—perhaps to Ida. It would be preferable than to be known only as Sir Branford’s widow.
I lost track of the number of days I simply lay in our bed, trying to stop thoughts of Branford from plaguing my conscious mind. I slept only when I could no longer keep my eyes open. Ida had sat beside me a few times, and I tried to hold conversation with her, but her state was not much better than mine. I feared we were more harmful than helpful to each other
When a messenger finally came to my door, my body went cold as he began to speak.
“Your presence is demanded by Sunniva, Queen of Silverhelm,” he said simply and then left the room.
His words did nothing to ease my sense of dread as I pulled myself from my position on the bed and found Janet waiting to help me dress. I wanted to fight her on the choice of attire, but we both knew if Queen Sunniva was calling for me, I needed to be properly dressed.
“You may go, Janet,” Sunniva said as we entered the grand hall and approached the throne. Camden was not present, nor were there any other members of the court—only Sunniva with Ida standing beside her. “Alexandra, we need to speak.”
I felt my hands begin to tremble, and I found myself unable to look into the queen’s face.
“I know what you are feeling,” she said, “for I have felt it many times before, but you cannot continue as you have been. If you do, I will be forced to send you to another part of the kingdom so your influence does not compromise our people.”
Had I heard her right? Was the queen going to send me away? If I were to be sent to another part of the kingdom, where would I sleep, and with whom would I stay? I thought of the rooms I was in and how many of the items there still carried Branford’s scent or even his very presence.
The very idea of being away from the rooms I shared with my husband was absolutely unendurable.
“Please, my queen.” My voice was barely a whisper. “Please do not send me away. I will do whatever you ask of me…I meant no harm…”
“I realize that, Alexandra.” Queen Sunniva reached out and took my hand. “I do not wish to be cruel, but our people are talking, and they are worried. They need to have confidence in their prince’s army, and how can they feel as such when his own wife is so devastated by the war that she will not leave her rooms?”
“I feel the same as you,” Ida said. “Mother’s already told me the same thing. Knowing Parnell is so far from me…and possibly in danger…It is very tempting to do as you have done and isolate myself, but we cannot do that. Our people need us to show our strength.”
I had not considered it in such a way. I was not used to even the idea of others looking to me for their guidance, and I felt a completely different chill run up my spine. Was I worthy of this station?
For the sake of Branford and the sake of his people, I would have to be worthy.
“Branford expected Amarra to be in your rooms by now,” Sunniva told me. “She was to be included as part of your guard, and yet she is still with the rest of the pack. I do not think Branford would like that news, do you?”
“No, my queen,” I said softly, looking down at my feet and clasping my hands together.
“Alexandra, I am not chastising you,” the queen said. “I am concerned for you and for your health. You are not eating well, and I know your nights are without rest. The messenger keeps inquiring about your well-being at Branford’s request, I’m sure. Thus far, I have kept him from checking on you personally, but it is only a matter of time before Branford demands it. How do you think he would react?”
I closed my eyes for a moment and then nodded. I could not argue with her even if I were so inclined. If Branford came back and found me as I had been only an hour ago, he would be most displeased.
“You have to care of yourself,” Sunniva said. “Not just for your own sake but for Branford’s. You are a part of the royal family now, Alexandra. Your duties lie outside of yourself. One of the things we must do is think of our people first and ourselves second. Do what you must do for the kingdom first, and then you will have the luxury of doing what you wish.”
“Yes, my queen,” I said quietly.
Queen Sunniva stood and stepped up to me.
“None of that now,” she said with a slight smile. “You are my son’s beloved wife, and my title is not necessary when you speak, regardless of the topic.”
I smiled and nodded again. She ran
her hand over my hair and stopped at my shoulder.
“He cares very much for you,” Sunniva told me. “Do you realize this?”
“I…I think so,” I replied. “I care for him, too.”
“I can see that.” Sunniva nodded and stepped back. “Now go to the kitchens and eat. You need your nourishment.”
I bowed my head and did as my queen bade me.
After that conversation, I spent my days trying to keep myself together—for the sake of Ida, Sunniva, Janet, and the other people of the kingdom. I ate because I had promised Branford and the queen that I would though it was difficult to eat much. At night, I could not force myself to sleep, and spent much of the time clutching Branford’s pillow to my chest and being only marginally comforted by his scent. Every time I closed my eyes or took a bite from my plate, I could not help but wonder what he was doing at that moment. Was he fighting, his sword drawn high above his head as he charged into the middle of battle? Did he fight from atop his steed or on the ground? What if he were thrown from his horse? What if he were hurt right now as I rested or ate or spoke of mundane things with Janet?
What if he were lying on the field of battle at this very moment, injured…dying…
While I did what? Worked on my sewing?
I was literally disgusted with myself, but I still spent my days smiling and speaking pleasantly with the people around the castle. Each afternoon, I went to check on Branford’s dogs and smiled at the stable boy who made sure they were fed properly.
At night, I let it all come back to me.
I sat in our chair with Amarra at my side. Janet continued to offer to stay with me through the nights, but as always, I sent her away. Having anyone else in the room only reminded me that Branford was not here. I didn’t even know where he was—still on the road to Hadebrand? Camped somewhere near the border, waiting for the enemy to attack? Or was he—right now—engaged in battle, his life in danger?
A cold shiver ran up my spine.
I had not told him I loved him, and now I wished that I had.
I blinked a few times and realized the fire had nearly gone out, and it was quite late. I had barely slept since he left, and though I was exhausted, I did not try to fool myself into believing slumber would come easily to me this night.
I pointed to Amarra’s cushion by the fireplace, and she obediently clambered on and lay down. Tossing a few more logs onto the fire, I stood and walked across the room to the bed. I lay down on my back and stared at the dark ceiling illuminated only by the firelight.
Even his smell had dissipated from the pillows.
He could be dead or dying right now…
I pushed the thoughts from my head and tried to quiet my mind enough to sleep.
*****
The days passed.
In the mornings, I sat in the chair by the fireplace, drank the tea Janet prepared for me, and tried to ready myself for the coming day. I would dress in the finest dresses and go to the grand hall to meet with those in the court. Afterwards, Ida would spend a few hours a day tutoring me. I had learned the sounds of the letters and was starting to read a few simple phrases.
In the afternoons, I worked on my embroidery, often sitting on one of the benches near the marketplace, where many of the people of Silverhelm would stop and speak to me. I smiled for them. I kept conversations pleasant for them, and I felt as if every word that came out of my mouth was a lie.
In the evenings, I would sit in the garden with Janet or sometimes Ida. Janet told me little of her life with Sir Leland, and I could see she did not wish to speak of that time. She did speak of her life in Seacrest before she was sold to Sir Leland and seemed to have fond memories of tending to fields before hardships on the family who took her in necessitated her sale.
I shuddered when I thought of what she must have endured the two years she had been with that awful man. Even compared to me, she was quite young and conducted herself more as a child than as a woman. She was still gracious and helpful in all things and had even begun to help care for Samantha—the widow of the brave carriage driver who had saved me. Samantha was a small, frail woman with silver hair and hands that shook when she worked for too long. As Branford had promised, Samantha had her own area in the servants’ rooms. Though she could do little work, she was still paid a full servant’s wage for the few hours she was able to help prepare food for the kitchens.
As I learned about the different nobles in the Kingdom of Silverhelm and their relationships with each other, the days continued to pass. As I began reading small parts of scripture that were not too difficult, the days passed. As I sewed, walked through the marketplace, or helped Sunniva tend the gardens, the days passed.
I held it in. I did not let the people see the state I felt inside.
At night I began to pray for my husband.
*****
Sunniva convinced me to stay in the Women’s Room during my bleeding just to keep with the tradition though I was not required to do so with Branford away. The days there passed even more slowly as I hid my disappointment, for I would have been quite grateful to discover that Branford’s child grew inside of me. I had thought of what it would have been like to be able to tell him of an expected child when he returned, but it was not to be. I thought of all the times Branford had not returned to our bed at night when he had been consumed with the impending battles. If he had been with me, perhaps a child would have started to grow.
The day after I returned to my own rooms, Janet was there, filling the bath with hot water from the kettle. I finally allowed her to coax me into the tub. Janet poured water over my head as I sat in the person-sized bathtub in the bedroom. I had never even taken such a bath, but apparently, Sunniva advised it. I assumed her words to be more of an order than a suggestion.
I leaned back and tried to relax in the warm water as Janet washed my hair. I had not yet before this evening even thought of using the person-sized leather tub for bathing while Branford was away, and I had to admit it definitely had its advantages. It was obviously made with Branford in mind, and there was plenty of room for me to stretch out my legs and just let the warm water flow over me. I breathed in the deep, lavender scent from the herbs Janet had added to the water and tried not to think.
It was difficult.
It had been so long since Branford and his army had left for Hadebrand. There had been a messenger who brought news to Camden of the war’s progress nearly every day, though I was not privy to all the information. Camden would hear the messenger’s report first and would then speak with Sunniva, Ida, and me. I was quite sure we did not hear everything he did, but what we did hear was bad enough.
Hadebrand’s army outnumbered Branford’s two to one, and even though Branford’s men were skilled, many had been lost in the three battles that had commenced since the beginning. At the time of the last report, both Parnell and Branford were without great injury.
Janet poured more water over my head, and I closed my eyes. The warm water felt good, but all I could really think about was how I now wanted to have Branford back so I could bathe him here. I squeezed my eyes shut, breathed deeply, and tried to pull myself together. Janet finished rinsing me and then helped me out of the bath. She brought forth a soft cloth to dry me and then helped me into my dressing gown. I dismissed her soon after, preferring my solitude.
I rubbed the top of Amarra’s head as I stared at the fire, passing what I hoped would be enough time to allow me to sleep. When I felt so exhausted I could barely see the embers, I finally moved myself to the bed.
The evening was stiflingly hot, and there was little breeze from the window. I wrapped my hair up around my hand and lay it out against the pillow to try to cool myself off. It did not truly help or at least not significantly. I pushed the sheets away and rolled over, closing my eyes tightly until sleep finally came, however briefly.
I woke abruptly.
The fire had gone out, but the heat of the summer night was still nearly choking me. The warmth
would have made it difficult to sleep under the best of conditions, and in my mental state, I had only dozed off and on through the first part of the night. I could hear Amarra getting off of her raised cushion to opt instead for the coolness of the floor near the morning room.
I dozed for a short time.
My head felt strange, and I had no ability to focus as I was roused unexpectedly from sleep yet again. I felt movement on the bed, and for a moment, I thought Amarra had actually jumped up to the mattress. I could not see anything in the deep black of the moonless night, but whatever was sitting beside me was much larger than the dog. I felt deft fingers brush against my arm, and I gasped in a breath in order to scream.
“Shh, shh, shh!” A voice called out, and I felt a hand cover my lips, pressing down. “Do not cry out, my beautiful wife.”
“Branford?” My dreams had become so real now, I could hardly tell the difference, for I was sure the hands on me belonged to my husband, but how could it be so?
“Yes.” His fingers released my lips, and both hands coiled around my back. I inhaled his scent, heavy and comforting.
“Branford!” I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, realizing I was not dreaming. “Branford, are you really here?”
“Yes, my wife.” He lay down beside me, and I moved close to him. I reached up and stroked his cheek as he laid his head atop mine.
“Is it over?” I asked tentatively. His hair, grown longer since I had seen him last, brushed my cheek as he shook his head.
“I needed to see you…to know for myself that you are all right. The messenger’s information was too vague.” His hands traveled my body as if taking inventory. He paused as his fingers brushed over my sides. “You are not eating enough.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my face into his neck.
“I am trying, my…Branford,” I told him. He pulled me away from his skin and kissed me softly. I placed my hands on his shoulders, and I gripped the chainmail shirt he wore over the leather armor covering his body. I wondered again if I was dreaming, but if so, it was a dream made of the most real sensations.