I studied the house. The lights upstairs were off, but downstairs it looked like there was a glow. No lights on, for sure, but maybe the TV. Someone was awake. That didn’t exactly narrow down the time. Looking around, I saw there was no traffic on the road. I took my chance and ran across the street. I wore jeans and a black shirt hoping I would blend in with the night better. I felt like I did. In the shadow of the house, I rounded the back and walked up the stairs of the porch. From there, I carefully climbed the lattice on the north side of the house. Julie must have tried to grow some sort of flower here and failed, but its presence got me to the second floor. I crept along on the roof of the porch to look into Akinli’s room.
As I got closer I noticed his curtains were different. They looked sheer, feminine. Oh… Oh gosh. Casey must have moved in. He wouldn’t put something like that up except to accommodate a girl. Even if he disliked it he would have done it anyway. That’s just how he was. Oh, Akinli, why did you have to be so obliging? If Casey was living here now, if she was staying in his room, what else were they doing? I might look in this window and see the man I loved with another woman. Would I have the strength to walk away? To forgive him for moving on? To not claw her face myself?
I steadied myself with a deep breath. I would do what it took to keep him safe and happy. From the beginning, I knew I’d always give Akinli whatever he wanted. If that meant leaving Casey unscathed, I’d do it.
I looked in further to confirm my suspicions. The walls were a new color, too. It was hard to make out exactly what they were in the night. And the pictures on the walls had changed. Were those cartoon birds and elephants? That’s odd. It didn’t make sense until my eyes fell on the crib in the corner.
There, sleeping away, was the smallest, loveliest creature I’d ever seen. I saw her chest rise and fall. She was so beautiful. In block letters hanging from delicate ribbons above her crib, I saw the name “Bex.” I guessed that was short for Rebecca. It sounded just right for anyone who belonged to Ben and Julie.
How old was this tiny girl? I counted back the months. Julie must have been pregnant while I was still here. Had she known? Was this beautiful baby her little secret?
I knew she was theirs and not mine, but I still felt like I was missing out. Bex could have been my friend; I could have watched after her. I wondered how Julie was doing. I’ll bet she could use even more help now. Did she think about that? Did I manage to hurt her when I went away?
Oh, Julie, I’m sorry I left you.
I watched Bex for a long time, trying to put her sweet, tiny face to memory. Then, when I finally had my fill of her wonderful face, I went to find Akinli.
I thought maybe he was watching TV, so I’d have to go find a way to get near the living room windows, which were all too high for me. Once on the porch, I walked past the guest room. Looking in, I saw all of Akinli’s things. Of course this was where he would be. He had just picked up and moved downstairs. But my worries on the walk over had me so riled up, I was grateful he was just still here. And, mercifully it seemed, not sharing the room with Casey.
There was his bedspread, blue plaid and so comfy. He hadn’t made his bed. His baseball hats hung from nails near the door, less neatly than they had upstairs. There were dirty clothes lying on the floor around his hamper, like he had tried to throw them in but missed every time. On the dresser, I saw the space where he emptied his pockets. His wallet was there, next to his keys and change… and then this glossy, folded piece of paper. It looked like a set of instructions, or something that came with an appliance. Whatever it was he obviously carried it with him. The edges were brown with dirt, and it looked like it was about to crumble at the fold in the middle. I thought I could make out a few bits of dull tape trying to hold it all together.
The door was slightly cracked, and I could see the glow of the TV. It had to be him. So I waited. I was so eager, I had to stop myself from bouncing on my toes. The porch kept squealing, giving me away. I listened for stirrings upstairs and looked around the yard towards the neighbor’s house. All was quiet. No one knew I was here. There was no moon tonight, so I blended in seamlessly to the dark blue sky.
The clock by his nightstand showed it to be past two in the morning when Akinli decided to come to bed. I saw the glow disappear, and I ducked down to not be seen as he walked into his room… my room. I saw the light shine through the opened curtains. I slowly poked my eyes above the ridge of the window, grateful for the darkened night. I saw his back as he stood there at the dresser. He appeared to be arranging things, but I couldn’t tell. I watched as he picked up the glossy paper and read it through. It must have been long because this took several minutes. Then he set it down and moved on.
I felt a little guilty about the thrill I got at watching him strip down to his boxers. It was almost as exciting as it was to wear them myself. He was so gorgeous. The muscles on his back moved reflexively as he stripped. I missed the feeling of them under my hands. I could tell his hair was getting longer. I liked that— his hair looked good long.
That warm hunger for him grew under my skin. The way a woman longs for a man. But not just any man— her own. I knew he wasn’t really mine to keep, but that urge burned so fiercely it was hard to ignore. I thought there would be nothing to distract me from it until finally he turned, and I saw his face.
He looked vacant. Almost as vacant as I felt sometimes. My Akinli had stubble growing around his chin. It made him look a little threatening. If I hadn’t known him better, I might have felt nervous. He looked tired, too. His face was a little sunken, like he hadn’t really slept in weeks. And he was much thinner than he was when we met. Obviously, he was handsome. I could still see that underneath it all, but he was broken. I didn’t need him to say it. I could read him. The way he could read me. He was hurting, and it was bad. What could have led to this?
Had Casey done something? Hurt his feelings yet again? Looking around, I saw no proof of her existence at all. No left-behind girly sweater or even a photograph of them together. Nothing. Had they broken up? That seemed unlikely considering what a fuss she went through to get him back. Maybe they were arguing. I felt so sad that she wasn’t nicer to him.
He walked over to the bed and reached under the mattress and pulled out a thin book. He got into his unmade bed, pulled the covers up and opened the book: The Giving Tree. Was that my copy? The corners were bashed in, the cover was scratched, and the pages hung at angles as if they were barely attached to the binding. He sat there and read through the text three times. It was a short story. When he finished, he rested on his bed and gave the book a hug. He adjusted himself so he could tuck it back away and then returned to his back. And I watched as his left eye, the eye closest to me, brought up a tear that slid down his face into his hair. I heard him sniff. He wiped away the tear and turned off the light.
It was me.
I was why he looked like this. Why he was skinny, his room messy. If Casey actually had gone, it was because he wanted her gone. He was waiting. I couldn’t show it like he could— my body didn’t act like his— but I was doing the exact same thing. If my unwillingness to eat could make me frail, if my inability to sleep made my face sag with heaviness, if my reluctance to take care of myself could leave my skin dull, this was how I would look, too.
I missed him. He missed me. And there was no way to fix this. Since we’d met, I tried a hundred times to think of a way around me not growing older, not being able to speak, having to run away to aid the Ocean, and that constant fear of killing him. If I could have found a believable way to make this work, I would have.
But I couldn’t. And I suffered for it. And I was fine with me suffering. But it wasn’t okay for him to suffer. Not to me, anyway. I had thought disappearing would push him right back into Casey’s arms. He had said he cared about me, yes. But if I left, wouldn’t he have assumed I didn’t care about him? He was supposed to get hurt or mad and move on to spite me.
I should have hurt him more. What could I have done?
I should have left my necklace.
I reached up and felt the delicate metal around my neck. If I left it now all that would do was prove to him that I came back, not that I hated him. Maybe he would wait for me to come back again. Maybe he would hold on even harder. I’d have to make a plan. I’d have to hurt him. What would do enough damage to make him let me go? What amount of pain would I have to inflict now to make it better in the long run?
And then I remembered… I already had a plan. The original plan. The merciful plan.
It would be more merciful than letting him lie awake at night thinking I might somehow reappear. All I would have to do is reintroduce myself, and then take myself permanently out of the picture. All I needed was a little time to dream up the right way to do it.
So, while I waited for a good plan, I watched Akinli sleep. It was an uneasy sleep. He did settle down for a few moments in the night, but he mostly tossed. Close to dawn, Bex started to cry, and that woke him up easily. Akinli wasn’t sleeping deeply at all. Before the sun rose too much, I headed back into the woods to wait for my chance. I wasn’t sure how to step into the picture yet. I would at least need a decent explanation for why I left. While I was still thinking, I saw Ben and Akinli step outside. They were off to the boat.
“You sure you don’t mind going alone?” Ben asked.
“No, no. You’re a dad now. Sometimes you’re going to need to stay home. You just take care of my girl,” Akinli said. His face was still tired looking, and he still hadn’t bothered with shaving.
“Yeah, I will. Just with Julie having a cold, and now Becky getting the sniffles, she’s just afraid they’ll keep making each other sick. And I’m germ free,” Ben said, proud as he could be of his immune system.
“It’s no problem, really.” Akinli loved his family. Even under the tiredness, it echoed.
“Don’t go overboard today. Just do the minimum, and I’ll be there tomorrow,” Ben told him.
“Sure thing, boss,” Akinli replied, with a small smile on his face.
Akinli started walking; it was a nice day for a walk. Once he was gone and Ben went back inside, I set off on foot. It was a little easier to navigate the trees in the sunlight. But I would eventually have to leave them as they didn’t go right up to the edge of the coast. It took some work, but I made it out to the same little area where Akinli had once taken me on his boat.
Akinli was on the boat alone. I was far away, but I knew the boat easily. And his shape would be unmistakable to me anywhere. He was almost totally isolated. There weren’t very many boats out today. I didn’t remember if that’s how it was when we had gone out together. I only really paid attention to him.
From a distance, I watched him. It was a strange comfort to be near him. I wondered if it would be a comfort to see him get married. Maybe by then I would have talked myself into losing track of him. I couldn’t say. He did his work mechanically. He didn’t pay too much attention. He dropped the traps for the lobsters, but didn’t pull any in. He did the minimum as Ben had asked. It seemed all too easy for him to obey. I couldn’t stand to see him moving like that.
Akinli looked like a ghost. He, like I, was just going through the motions of living. I’d have to clear this all up. I was thinking up a story for how I would come to the house this afternoon when my plan changed for me.
He wasn’t himself, or he would have been more careful. He did something to make himself stumble, but the siding of the boat hid the reason from me. I saw Akinli plainly hit his head on the stern of the boat and heard the splash of his body hitting the water.
Ouch! It hurt me just to see that. He was going to have a serious headache for the rest of the day. I watched to see where he would come up.
But he didn’t.
There was no sign of a struggle against the water, no sound. I looked to the other boats. Didn’t anyone notice him fall? Before, when we walked through town together, it seemed like everyone noticed him. Was that not the case anymore? Was Akinli a ghost to them, too? No one budged.
You would think, all things considered, that I would have struggled more with the decision. But once I knew Akinli wasn’t coming up, I didn’t have to think at all. I did what I had to do. I dove in.
The Ocean was surprised, of course. She demanded to know why I was there. I was supposed to be in France.
Why do You think I’m here?
She raised Her voice at me. She said I was going to have to move on, behave with more restraint. She went on but I heard none of it. I couldn’t find him, and I was getting anxious. The water wasn’t that deep, there was only so far he could go. Then I saw him, six feet below me, sinking away from his ship. I wrapped my arms around his chest and started pulling him to the surface.
But I was pulled back down.
The Ocean wanted to know what I thought I was doing.
I have to get him to air!
He fell into the water. He was drowning. He was Hers now.
No! No, spare him!
No, he was Hers to have.
I’ll bring you another in his place. A hundred, a thousand! I’ll do it all myself even, just let this one go.
That wasn’t how it worked.
I know, I know. I’m asking You to bend Your unbreakable rules. Please, let him live!
No.
I started going into hysterics.
Please! God, please! Let him live. Do it for me, I beg You. Please!
It’s not possible.
But it is! It is possible, if You would let him go! You can do that. Please! Do it for me. You told me You loved me. If You love me half as much as You say You do, please don’t take him from me! Please!
I cried and I cried.
Please!
I pulled him up against the restraint.
Please!
And… I felt Her grip loosen.
Please, for me, let him go!
She released us. I couldn’t believe it. I could have run a thousand marathons on the energy I felt in that moment.
I was to get him to the surface and come back to Her immediately.
She was livid.
Of course! Of course! Thank You!
I kept my grip tight as I swam to the surface with all my strength. This was one of those occasions when I was truly grateful for my body. No average girl could swim that deep or hold on for this long. No average girl could have held her breath or been strong enough to lift him onto the boat. I could. I would have to thank Her for that.
I turned Akinli onto his side and hit his back. It took a few times, but he started to cough up the water. I was relieved. He coughed and shivered and fell onto his back. I saw the huge welt forming on his head. He would be in a lot of pain, but at least he was alive. As he shifted, I saw beside him that his keys and the glossy paper from the dresser had fallen out of his pocket.
From this proximity, it was obviously not a set of instructions. Not even close. It was a tiny piece of notebook paper he had home-laminated with packing tape. When it wore down from folding, he patched it up. It stayed with him always. I picked it up and saw, in my own handwriting, the words he was determined to hold onto.
Maybe one day another life might catch up with me. Or there could be no other life at all. I guess I couldn’t say for sure. Either way, I choose Akinli. There are some things you just know. And I know I want Akinli. I hope that will always be a good enough answer: that he’s what I would take over anything else.
I remembered with perfect clarity that day with Julie. Oh my. I wondered at all the meanings that had for him. He knew I wanted him more than anything. That’s why he held on. He believed me. Even if I had left the necklace, he would have held onto my words.
And another life catching up with me… he had found me speechless and crying alone. He thought I had suffered. Maybe
whoever had made me suffer had taken me from him. Oh no! I remembered the little tantrum I threw in my room just before I left. Clothes everywhere, blankets askew, window open from my departure. It would have looked like a struggle, a struggle that he hadn’t heard because he was arguing with Casey.
He wasn’t just worried that I wouldn’t come back, but that I couldn’t. All this time I knew where he was, but he was tortured, imagining the worse for me. Possibly even blaming himself for not being able to save me again.
“Kahlen,” his weak voice said. I looked down to find his eyes half open. Just hearing him say my name felt so good. I smiled at him.
“Is that you?” he asked.
I nodded.
“You’re safe.” He was absolutely weak, but he still managed to find the energy to convey the excitement he felt at that.
“I have to tell you. I didn’t want Casey. I’m sorry. I love you. Stay with me.” His words were mumbled and ran together. He wasn’t all there. At least I had that in my favor.
I wished I could stay. But I had just been given his life as a gift, and now I had to obey.
I shook my head.
“Why? I know I hurt you. But I’ll make it up to you. I’ll do…”
I put my fingers over his mouth to silence him. I couldn’t handle him thinking this was his fault. I bent down and gently kissed him. His body was a little cool from the water, but his lips, so predictably, were warm. The hair on his face scratched my skin. His lips moved slowly with mine. It was a new kind of kiss, one I hadn’t gotten the last time; it was a good-bye kiss.
As I pulled back I saw him smile. His eyes closed again, and he fell into unconsciousness. I didn’t want to leave him there on the boat. He could have a concussion. He wouldn’t even know how he got there. But I had to get back to Her. She had been undoubtedly too kind. I kissed Akinli one more time, though he could not respond. I picked up one of the bricks they put in the traps to help them sink and heaved it at a neighboring boat. The sound was thunderous.