In retrospect, I’m amazed no one noticed the change in me. I started laughing again, and I stayed in a rosy fog of happiness that made me absent-minded and forgetful. On the nights I had a date with Hugh, I’d come home to find Nick waiting, leaning against the side of the house in the shadows. Together we’d walk to his room, so eager to be alone again that we’d barely make it through the door before we were tugging each other’s clothes off.
On the nights I didn’t have a date, I’d wait impatiently by my window, watching for the light to come on in his room. He never showed up before midnight, and I never asked him what he’d been doing. I just accepted that he was here now, more than likely laying on the bed naked and ready for me. The thought of his glorious body, so strong and well muscled, was enough to have me sneaking down the stairs, running through the darkness to be with him, excitement making my heart race. Every time, he’d smile at me and hold his arms out.
“What took you so long?” he’d ask.
We were like two children who had discovered a new and exotic toy. One second we’d be serious and intent, the next, laughing and giggling helplessly. And we loved each other. God, how we loved each other. There were times when we’d do nothing but kiss for hours on end, wallowing in our feelings.
There were only a few flies in the ointment during those wonderful months. One was Hugh. While I’d never love him the way I did Nick, I had come to care about him a great deal. I didn’t want to hurt him and I felt guilty for using him the way I was.
The other was Lindsey. I hated seeing her with Nick. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. The first time was on a Friday evening. Hugh had picked me up for our regular date, but that particular night he stopped at Hawkins for gas on our way to the movies.
Nick was still there, and Mr. Viders, our school principal, was in the office, waiting on him to finish changing the oil in his car. And while Nick worked, Lindsey sat on a stack of tires behind him, her gaze locked on his every movement. Her little brother was on her lap, as silent as she was.
“Want a soda?”
I jerked my attention back to Hugh and smiled. “Sure.”
We climbed out of the car as Nick headed in our direction, but I stopped. The gas cap was on my side and I was hoping to get a moment alone with Nick.
“Hey, Nick.” Hugh greeted him as they met. “How’s it going?”
“Fine. Fill it up?”
“Please.” Hugh went into the office and I could see him talking to Mr. Viders.
My gaze went back to Lindsey. She was still watching Nick as though her life depended on keeping him in sight. And it hurt. As much as I tried to fight it, it hurt.
The rattle of the gas nozzle drew me, and I glanced around. He was standing as close to me as possible without making it too obvious.
“Don’t look like that,” he begged, his voice low.
“It’s hard seeing you with her, Nick.”
“I know.” Beneath the window where no one could see, his fingers curled around mine and squeezed. “Every time he kisses you goodnight I want to strangle him.”
We shared a long look full of sympathy and understanding. “Are you coming over tonight?” I finally asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” I slipped my hand from his when the bell over the office door rang.
Hugh gave me an odd look as he paid Nick for the gas, and I braced myself for questions. But he didn’t ask any, merely handed me my soda and opened the car door for me before climbing in on the driver’s side.
Later that night, after Nick and I made love, I broached the subject of Lindsey again. Nick looked so tired that it suddenly hit me how little sleep he must be getting. He worked all day, and then spent the evenings with Lindsey until he came to me after midnight. He didn’t show up every night, but he was there enough to make me worry about him. On those nights he was lucky to get a few hours sleep.
“How much longer is this going to last?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” His fingers traced an absentminded path down my arm. “Sometimes I think I’m making progress, and then she’ll just clam up and refuse to talk about it. I feel like I’m beating my head against a brick wall. And...the situation...seems to be getting worse. It’s reached the point where I’m afraid to leave her alone for a single minute.”
It was the closest he’d ever come to telling me what was going on, and I realized he wouldn’t have said that much if he hadn’t been so tired he couldn’t think straight. He must have known the same thing, because instantly he shut up.
I snuggled closer and wrapped my arms around him. “Go to sleep,” I whispered.
With a yawn, he did just that, but I stayed awake the rest of the night, driving myself crazy wondering why he was afraid for Lindsey. What could possibly happen to her when she rarely left her home? And from what I’d seen, when she did go out it was always with Nick.
Of course, I solved nothing that night. I only prayed that Nick would feel enough confidence in me to tell me everything when it was over. Neither of us knew that it wouldn’t be over for many long years, or that Frank Anderson would wind up dead, lying in a pool of blood on the grimy floor of his trailer.
I did, however, realize I might have a big problem of my own when I walked into the kitchen a few weeks later and found my mother and Helena Morgan huddled over a spring catalogue. They were talking in excited whispers that came to a screeching halt when I strolled through the door. Both of them looked up and gave me patently fake smiles of pure innocence.
“Okay, where is it?” I demanded.
Mama arched an eyebrow. “Where’s what, Dear?”
“The body. When two people look like you two do, there has to be a body involved.”
“Nonsense. We were just...um, looking at the new fashions.”
“That’s right.” Helena nodded eagerly.
“Uh huh.” I went to the fridge and poured a glass of tea, trying to ignore the fact that they’d decided I was blind and were signaling each other frantically. “Isn’t it a little early in the season to be thinking about spring clothes?” I carried my drink to the table and sat down.
“It’s never too early, Darling.” Helena beamed at me. “And I do so love spring. It makes me think of weddings.”
Uh-oh. This was trouble with a capital T. I forced myself to stay calm. “Really? It makes me think of mosquitoes and storms.”
Right then Aunt Darla came skidding into the room. “It just hit me,” she started excitedly. “Lilacs...oh, Alix. I didn’t know you were here.” The three of them went through another round of facial contortions while my heart sank.
It was even worse than I’d thought. They were already planning my wedding. To Hugh.
“So tell me, Alix, what’s your favorite time of the year?” Helena inquired.
“Christmas,” I spit out, hoping I could head them off at the pass and buy some time.
“Oh.” Their faces fell, but I knew Nick and I couldn’t put things off much longer without hurting a lot of people.
I did try later that day to prepare Mama. After Helena left I curled up on the couch with a copy of “The Heart of Midlothian” that I was reading for my honors lit class. It wasn’t long before Mama joined me, picking up a magazine and thumbing through it casually. She stopped on a lipstick ad and studied it as if world peace depended on her picking out the right shade.
“So many choices,” she murmured. “Tell me, Alix, is red still your favorite color?”
Carefully, I closed my book and put it on my lap. “Mama, I know what you’re doing.”
“What do you mean? I’m looking at make-up.”
“No, you aren’t. You’re making wedding plans.” I took a deep breath. “Hugh hasn’t asked me to marry him, Mama. And even if he does, I might not say yes. I’m not sure I feel that way about him.”
She looked honestly puzzled. “Of course you’d say yes. Hugh is the only boy you’ve ever dated. Who else would you marry? And Helena says he’s crazy about you
. There’s no doubt he’ll ask.”
I tried a different track. “Did you ever think I would rather go to college than tie myself down with a husband?”
“Well, I suppose if you really wanted to go you could do both. I’m sure Hugh wouldn’t mind and it would give you something to occupy your time until the first baby is on the way.”
Mothers. Can’t live with them, can’t hit them over the head with a board. I picked up my book and went back to reading.
The episode may not have reached my mother, but it did have one enormous effect on me. I was scared out of my mind that Hugh was going to pop the question at any second. It reached the point where all he had to do was walk up behind me in the hall at school and I nearly crawled out of my skin.
Naturally, he noticed my sudden case of nerves. “Is something wrong, Alix?”
“No, of course not. Why would you think anything was wrong?”
“I don’t know.” He arched his eyebrows and noted my position half in and half out of my locker, no mean feat, let me tell you. “Call it a hunch,” he said.
I extracted myself and tried on one of those innocent smiles for size. “Honestly, Hugh. Nothing is wrong.”
“No problems at home?”
“Not a one.”
His eyes narrowed. “Has my mother been bothering you?”
Which, of course, let me know she’d been bothering him. I turned my back and gathered the books for my next class. “No.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.” I faced him.
“Okay.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek. “See you tonight? I thought we could go to the basketball game.”
“That’ll be great.” It would also be fairly safe since I couldn’t see him dropping to one knee in the middle of a crowd. Hugh wasn’t an introvert like Nick was, but he wasn’t a showoff either. He would never ask me to marry him in the hall at school, I realized with a spurt of relief. If he ever proposed it would be in a quietly romantic way.
That thought cheered me somewhat and calmed me down, but it also made me sad. Lucky me, I’d have to break his heart after he’d gone through elaborate preparations to make me happy.
Or so I thought.
Eight
Graduation day drew ever nearer and my whole class was abuzz with plans for the prom. As the person with the highest grade point average, I had been named valedictorian. Hugh was salutatorian, and our parents were convinced it was another sign we belonged together. Even worse, Hugh started dropping hints about the future.
“Where would you like to live after graduation?” he asked me.
Nome, Alaska, I thought glumly. But I didn’t say it. “I haven’t given it much thought.”
“They’re building some really nice houses out at Fair Oaks. You should drive over and look at a few.”
I stared at him. Fair Oaks was a new subdivision just outside of town, some big city contractor’s idea of genteel southern living. The houses were rambling modern structures, all single-story and set on a five-acre plot. I knew they cost a fortune.
I also knew I couldn’t take much more of this.
Mama still wouldn’t listen to my protests about marrying Hugh, and I didn’t dare talk to the Judge, even though he’d be on my side. I was too afraid he’d suspect what was going on between me and Nick, and I didn’t know how he’d react. The Judge tended to be a tad bit over-protective where I was concerned and I didn’t want him going after Nick with the shotgun for impugning my honor.
My father had been hanging around a lot, casting wistful looks at Mama while he chatted with the Judge. In a strange way, I think he filled the gap in the Judge’s life that Nick had once occupied. My whole family missed Nick. They knew he spent the night in the barn occasionally, but they rarely saw him anymore since he arrived so late and left so early.
One evening, after the weather turned warm, I asked my father to take a walk with me. Mama smiled on us benignly as we left. One thing about Mama. She still looked like an angel when she smiled, but by now I knew how deceiving looks could be. The woman had a stubborn streak that would put a Missouri mule to shame, and she wasn’t above using guilt to get her way.
Dad put his arm around my shoulders while we strolled in the direction of the woods, but he didn’t say much. I could feel curiosity coming off him waves. While we had spent time alone together, going out to eat and such, I’d never really confided in him the way daughters do with fathers.
Well, he was about to get his money’s worth in one fell swoop, I decided ruefully. I only hoped he was up to the challenge.
“Okay, let’s have it.” He arched an eyebrow. The man was no dummy.
I plopped down on a log, the remains of an oak tree that had fallen years ago during one of our winter ice storms, and he sat beside me. “It’s Mama. She’s driving me crazy.”
“About what?”
“Hugh.” I hesitated. “Dad, she’s bound and determined I’m going to marry him, and she won’t listen to a word I say on the subject.”
“Do you love him?”
I shrugged. “I suppose so, in a way. I just don’t want to marry him.”
“Then don’t let your mother push you into it. It’s your life, Alix. You have to do what makes you happy.” He studied me with a more intense scrutiny than usual. “It’s Nick, isn’t it?”
Like I said, the man was no dummy. He’d met Nick, and had listened to all the family stories about how I’d adopted him and our exploits over the years. Once he had even come looking for me and caught me in the barn with Nick. Luckily, we weren’t doing anything but talking that time, but we must have given ourselves away to someone who wasn’t as close to the situation as the rest of my family.
I was tired of denying my feelings for Nick, so I nodded. “Yes. I’ve loved him for a long time.”
“Does he feel the same way about you?”
It suddenly occurred to me that Nick had never told me loved me. I’d only assumed he did from the way he acted. I still believed he loved me, but my self-confidence was a bit shaken. “I think so.”
“Then why hasn’t he done something about it?”
Good question. I wished I had a logical answer. “There are some problems,” I said vaguely.
He was silent for a moment, thinking that over. “Nick didn’t strike me as the type that would let the woman he loves marry someone else. Have you told him what your mother is doing?”
“No.” I hadn’t wanted to make him feel any worse than he already did. And deep down, I was afraid that if he thought our relationship was giving me trouble, he’d stop seeing me.
“Maybe you should.”
He was right. I’d only needed to hear someone say it. It was time to face the music. I’d been more than patient over the last few months. If Nick really loved me, it was time to do something about it. And if he didn’t, if Lindsey was more important to him than I was, well, it was better to find out now.
So that’s how I set in motion the events that culminated in Frank Anderson’s death.
It was Wednesday evening when I had my talk with Dad. That night I didn’t wait in my room for Nick as I usually did. I went down to the barn and waited, moving restlessly through the long hours before his arrival, playing out different scenarios in my head. No matter how he reacted, I had to be prepared.
His surprise at finding me there faded fast when he saw my face. “What’s wrong?” he asked, closing and locking the door behind him.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I told him in an anguished whisper. “Things are getting completely out of hand. Mama has done everything but set the actual date for mine and Hugh’s wedding, and she won’t listen to me when I try to talk her.”
With my first words, the blood drained from his face. “She really thinks you’re going to marry him?”
“Of course she does! I’ve been dating him for almost a year now, and she doesn’t know I’ve been seeing anyone else. Whenever I tell her I don’t want to marry him, she decides it??
?s only a case of wedding jitters and I’ll get over it. And Hugh’s mother isn’t helping any. She’s over nearly every day, bringing magazines and catalogues.”
“Christ.” He dropped onto the bed, his shoulders slumped. “Why haven’t you said anything before now?”
“I didn’t want to worry you, and I thought I could handle it. But no one is paying attention to what I’m telling them. It’s like trying to stop a runaway train with one hand tied behind my back.”
“Has Hugh...”
“Asked me to marry him?” I shook my head and sat down next to him. “Not yet, but he’s going to. Soon. The other day he suggested I drive out to Fair Oaks and see if I liked the houses they’re building.”
I picked up his hand and gripped it tightly. “We have to tell them about us, Nick. It’s the only option. Unless you want me to marry Hugh,” I added quietly.
He went still. “I guess I deserved that, didn’t I? I sure haven’t done much to make you think otherwise.” When he turned to face me his voice was low. “I don’t want you to marry Hugh. It kills me every time I know you’re with him. But I don’t know what else to do, Alix. There’s still Lindsey’s—problem—to worry about.” He stood and started pacing.
“Are things getting any better?”
“No.”
“Do you have any reason to think they will?”
He ran a hand through his dark hair in frustration. “No. She still won’t listen to me.”
“So how long are we going to put our lives on hold? Another six months? A year? Two?” I stood slowly. “You can’t have us both, Nick. You need to decide who you want.”
“You’d really marry him?” His expression was one of shock mixed with despair.
I paused with my hand on the lock and looked over my shoulder. “No. But the only other solution I can come up with is for me to leave. Eventually, they’ll get the message. Either way, I need to know what your decision is soon. If I’m leaving, I have some plans to make.”
There was no manipulation intended in my ultimatum. I meant every word I’d uttered. I’d given it a lot of thought while I was pacing the room in the barn and didn’t feel like I had much choice. Part of me was so sure he’d choose Lindsey that I’d half-settled on a destination for my departure. Tucson, Arizona. Something about the red bluffs I’d seen in pictures appealed to me, and the city was big enough that I should be able to support myself while I went to college, without completely intimidating me like New York or Dallas would. Because if he chose Lindsey, there was no way I could stay, see them together every day.