“You’ve talked to her?”
“Yes, several times in the last week. It’s not going to be easy for either of us, but I believe she’s willing to work around her feelings toward me for your sake. Everything she did was to protect you, Alix. Don’t you think it’s time to go home now?”
“I don’t know.” Part of me longed to, felt only half alive without my family. But the other part still hesitated, unsure of how to behave now that everything I’d believed in had come crashing down.
“You don’t have to do it alone,” he said. “I’ll go with you.”
I couldn’t move in with Jenna permanently. Sooner or later I had to face my mother. It might as well be now. Slowly, I slid off the wooden seat. “Okay.”
My father was a stranger to me. I don’t know why his presence seemed so comforting at that moment. Maybe it was because he was a stranger, someone who could take a neutral stance in the emotional upheaval I knew was coming. If he’d blamed my mother, or tried to excuse what he’d done, things would have been different. But he hadn’t, and for that if nothing else, I thought I might come to like him.
Mama was watching for us at the back door. She met me halfway, her step hesitant as her eyes searched mine. And suddenly, I was three years old again, depending on her to fix all my injuries, to make my world safe. “I’m sorry, Mama,” I whispered, tears choking my throat until it hurt.
Without a word, she held her arms open and I stumbled into them, both of us crying and apologizing, each tripping over the words in our rush to make amends, then laughing through our tears. My father stood quietly beside us, a bit of moisture in his eyes as well.
Eventually the waterworks dried up and the three of us spent a long time talking that night. Mama refused to let Jim take all the blame for what had happened. She said if she’d handled the situation differently, been honest with herself and Jane from the start, things would have worked out better for all of us. She also agreed that I should get to know my father, spend some time with him occasionally.
But while I gained a father, in the long run I lost an element of closeness with my mother that we could never get back. I was changed by the experience I’d gone through, as was she. We still loved each other and always would, but I wasn’t a naive little girl anymore. I had found the hidden closet in our lives and dragged the skeletons out into the bright light of day. We could never put them back again.
If our relationship hadn’t changed, maybe I could have talked to her later when I needed to so desperately. But it had, and I didn’t, and a hundred wishes won’t change the past. Mama had found that out the hard way. My lesson was still coming, and it would be the most grueling thing I’d experienced up to that point. But maybe I needed it. Maybe I couldn’t have gotten through what came afterwards if I hadn’t been tempered by the flames of Nick’s leaving.
Seven
Another year went by. Life gradually settled back to its normal routine after my father’s first appearance, and if I was a little quieter no one seemed to notice, not even Nick. But then, I hadn’t seen much of Nick lately. When he’d first gone to work at the garage, he’d lived almost exclusively in his room in the barn. That continued through the winter I was in eleventh grade and on into the summer. Now, inexplicably, he began staying at the salvage yard again and rarely showed up at the farm.
I didn’t think too much about it at first. Other things occupied my mind. My eighteenth birthday had come and gone, I had a father I was trying to become accustomed to, and I was a senior this year. On top of that, Hugh had stepped up his campaign to get me to go out with him.
Hugh was a nice looking young man, tall and well built with his mother’s thick, light brown hair and his father’s green eyes. He was popular, too, and could have had his choice from any of the girls in town even without his family’s money backing him up. Although she’d never admitted it, I think Jenna had a mad crush on him most of our school years. But I suspected that his family, like mine, was pushing him to date me. Helena Morgan had very definite ideas about who was suitable for her son, and I was on the top of her list. If she’d known the circumstances of my birth she might have changed her mind, but as far as anyone but a handful of people knew, my father was merely my mother’s ex-husband.
All in all, I was simply tired of telling Hugh “no” every thirty minutes. That’s why, a month into my final year of school, I decided it was time for Nick and me to bring our relationship into the open. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted the entire world to know I loved him.
It had been two weeks since I’d last seen him and I didn’t know when he’d be back in his room. Not willing to wait, I headed for the garage as soon as school was out that afternoon. I parked the Chevy on the far side of the air pump so it wouldn’t be in anyone’s way and headed for the work bay. I never made it.
I had only taken a few steps when I saw him. He was in back of the building, old worn out tires scattered around him in haphazard piles, and he wasn’t alone. Lindsey was with him. I could have ignored that if it weren’t for their postures, but the way they were standing brought me to a sudden halt.
Lindsey’s face was lifted to his, and Nick was looking down at her, his expression intense while he talked to her in a low gentle voice I could hear, but not understand. His hand curled around her nape in a possessive way that even I couldn’t miss, his thumb moving over her cheek. Lindsey’s body curved toward his as if drawn by magnetic forces beyond her control. And just like that, I knew why he hadn’t been coming to the farm. I was only surprised I hadn’t realized it until now.
Coming as it did, while I was still wrestling with having a father in my life and dealing with the changes in my relationship with Mama, it was too much for me to take. I didn’t get mad, or jealous, or throw a fit. My emotions simply shut down until all I felt was blessed numbness. I can only imagine that’s what Nick saw when he looked up abruptly, his eyes meeting mine.
I turned around, got back in the car, and left. If Nick made any attempt to stop me, I didn’t hear it and wouldn’t have listened if I had. Couldn’t listen. But I don’t think he did.
Once home, I went straight to the phone and dialed Hugh’s number. Still acting, not thinking. Anything to keep from thinking.
My voice was calm when he answered. “Hugh? It’s Alix. Do you still want to go to the movies tomorrow night?” I listened while he said yes. “Great. Pick me up about six-thirty.”
If Nick thought I’d confront him about what I’d seen, demand an explanation like I would have a year ago, he was wrong. I couldn’t seem to make myself care enough to bother. For the next three months I moved on autopilot. I ate, I went to school, I studied like I never had before, and I dated Hugh every time he asked me. Gradually, people began to link our names together like they always do with couples. It was Alix and Hugh, never simply Alix alone, or Hugh alone. People started to take it for granted that we’d be married as soon as we graduated, and the only one who wasn’t thrilled was Piggy Treece. She’d always thought she and Hugh were meant for each other and she didn’t appreciate my interference. She and her friends did their best to start nasty rumors about me, but it’s hard to wound someone who doesn’t care, and they finally gave it up.
Hugh never took more liberties than a goodnight kiss while we were together. He was a friend, first and foremost, and I think he suspected that something wasn’t quite right. He treated me like I was some rare and fragile egg that might shatter if he held me wrong. Who knows? Maybe he was right.
On Christmas, we spent most of the day together, first with my family for dinner, then with his for supper. He gave me a beautiful charm bracelet adorned with a multitude of tiny delicate charms. I gave him a plaque with his name embossed on the front and the words “Vice-President” etched underneath to put on his desk when he started working with his father. His family got a big kick out of it, but I think they were all secretly pleased at my faith in Hugh.
It had been a nice day, one more day I’d managed to
get through without collapsing. And if I’d had to shove aside the memory of a necklace with a broken heart dangling from the end when Hugh gave me my gift, I managed that, too.
It was late when he took me home, and colder than usual for this time of year. This far south we rarely have a white Christmas, but the taste of snow drifted on the air. Hugh put his arm around me as he walked me to the door, then kissed me, a long, slow kiss that left me totally unmoved. When it was over he lifted a hand to my cheek.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“Goodnight, Alix.”
“Goodnight.” I stood with my hand on the door, watching as he pulled out of the drive, his taillights flaring red in the steam from the car’s exhaust as he slowed for a curve. Not until he was out of sight did I glance at the silent figure hidden by the deep shadows of a corner porch post.
“What do you want, Nick?”
He shifted restlessly before he spoke. “Do you love him?” His voice sounded raw, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
I wasn’t expecting him to move so fast, or to grab me so desperately. “It is my business, damn it, and you know it! For God’s sake, Alix, scream at me, cuss me out, take a swing at me, but don’t ignore me anymore.”
“Ignore you?” I tilted my head and studied him. “Let me see. The last time I saw you, you were practically making love to Lindsey in broad daylight, right out in public. No, I’m pretty sure I didn’t ignore you.”
“It wasn’t what it looked like, I swear.”
“Right. That’s why you tried so hard to find me and explain what you were really doing.” His hands gripped my arms, fingers flexing in an unconscious rhythm.
“Would you have believed me?”
“No, and I don’t believe you now.”
“Have I ever lied to you before?”
“For all I know, everything you’ve ever told me was a lie.” I tried to pull away from him, but he hung on tighter.
“It wasn’t a lie.”
“Why did you wait until now if it weren’t true?”
At least he had the grace to look down. “I didn’t plan on talking to you tonight, but I had to make sure you were all right. God, Alix, I’ve been going crazy. I know you don’t love him, no matter what you say, but everyone’s talking about how you’re going to marry him after you graduate. Please, hate me if you have to, never speak to me again, but don’t settle for someone you don’t love because I hurt you.”
The pain on his face was etched starkly in the moonlight, and I couldn’t help myself. God help me, I started to doubt what I’d seen with my own eyes and something inside me that had been frozen began to melt.
“Why were you with her like that, Nick?”
He took a deep, shaky breath. “She’s been having some problems. I’ve been helping her. That’s all it is.”
“What kind of problems?”
“Personal ones.” He hesitated. “I can’t tell you what they are, Alix, any more than I’d talk about what you tell me to her.” He released me and stepped back. “I shouldn’t have come. I can’t expect you to believe me when it’s something I can’t explain.”
“Wait.” I followed him to the steps. “I asked you once if you’d ever made love to anyone before. You said no. Can you still tell me that, Nick?”
He turned, his lower position on the stairs putting us at eye level. “Yes.”
I searched his face for any sign that he was telling me the truth, and I thought I saw it. I wanted to see it because it hurt too much to keep believing he had betrayed me. When I closed the distance between us, all the pain and anger I’d been bottling up inside flooded into the kiss I gave him. All the long months of wanting of him and thinking I’d never have him again. All the love I’d tried so hard to kill without a shred of success.
And we both went up in flames.
His arms fastened around me convulsively and his voice held a frantic note when he moaned my name.
“Your room,” I whispered.
Neither of us was quite sane as his mouth came down on mine again and I was barely aware that he’d lifted me into his arms and was moving around the house toward the barn. He must have been in there earlier because the electric stove was still on, the room warm and comfortable. In its glow, Nick put me on the narrow bed and followed me down, his body covering mine, and for the first time in three long months, I felt alive again.
Our movements were rapid and jerky as we rid ourselves of the hindering barriers presented by our clothes, punctuated by more kisses and desperate caresses. But when we were finally bare, our movements slowed. Now that the moment was here, we wanted to take our time and savor it.
Nick’s eyes turned to molten lead when he raised on an elbow and gazed down at me. “So beautiful,” he whispered. “So damn beautiful.” He ran a hand softly down my body and I arched under the touch like a cat. “Please, don’t be afraid.”
“I’m not,” I said, realizing it was true. I’d been doing some looking of my own and was mildly surprised at his size and a bit curious to see if his erection felt as hard as it appeared, but I wasn’t afraid.
Ours was a voyage of sweet discovery that night, and we spent endless hours exploring all the secret, foreign places we’d longed to visit. And we taught each other what pleased us, hands guiding hands, then returning to tease the last place they’d found. By the time Nick’s weight pressed me into the bed we were mindless with shared pleasure. He entered me with one hard lunge and then froze, his lips raining kisses of apology over my face. But the pain, while sharp, wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be, gone before I had more than registered it, and then forgotten when he began to move again. Immediately an indefinable something began to build inside me and I clutched Nick tightly, surging toward a goal I’d never known existed. When I reached it, I cried out, shattering into a million splinters of light. Nick’s yell of pleasure sounded hard on the heels of my own, his body going stiff as he found release.
For a few minutes neither of us moved while our breathing returned to normal. I felt drugged, my entire body heavy with a delicious lassitude I didn’t want to end. But suddenly Nick began to shake. Tremor after tremor rippled over him. Alarmed, I shifted, trying to see what was happening, but he rolled to the side and clutched me tightly, his face buried in my hair.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice harsh and full of pain. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen, to hurt you this way.”
“Stop it,” I ordered softly, my fingers moving through his hair. “You didn’t hurt me. What happened tonight happened because I wanted it every bit as much as you did. It was beautiful, Nick. Don’t turn it into something ugly. You aren’t your father. You could never do the things he does.”
“But I don’t have anything to offer you. I don’t even have my own place to live.”
“Someday you will. And for now, I’ve got you. That’s all that matters to me.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” he murmured. “I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I felt hollow, like part of me had been ripped out.” His shaking finally eased to periodic spasms. “I swear, Alix, someday I’ll make you proud to be seen with me.”
“I already am. And I’m tired of hiding. I’m going to tell Hugh that I can’t see him anymore, that I love you.”
It was so long before he answered that I wondered if he’d fallen asleep. Abruptly, he sat up on the edge of the bed. Elbows on his knees, he rubbed his face with both hands. “You can’t.”
“Why not?” I was confused and a little hurt by his refusal.
He dropped his hands and turned to look at me, his gaze running over my face as though he wanted to memorize every detail. “Because the mess with Lindsey isn’t over yet, and until it is...”
“Until it is, you don’t want anyone to know about us.”
“Yes. I have an idea but she’s fighting it, and I don’t know
how long it will take to convince her.”
“I don’t understand why this is your problem, Nick.”
His expression turned grim. “Believe me, it is. I know it’s asking a lot, and if you don’t think you can handle it, I’ll try to understand. But I don’t have any choice in this, Alix.” He took a deep breath. “It’s important that—people—think I’m seeing Lindsey.”
“You want me to keep dating Hugh.” It wasn’t a question. I knew that’s what he was getting at in his round-about way.
“Yes.”
“That’s not fair, Nick. Not to us or Hugh.”
“God, don’t you think I know that? It’s why I tried so hard to stay away from you.”
“What about us?”
His hand moved to my cheek, traced it gently. “I can’t give you up again. It would kill me.”
Because I loved him so much, I had to trust him. “How long will it take?”
“I wish I knew, but I can’t give you a time frame. It could be a week, or it could be months. Can you live with that?”
I caught his hand and pressed it more tightly to my cheek. “I’ll have to, because I can’t give you up either. We’ll work it out somehow.”
“I don’t know I got lucky enough to have someone like you,” he whispered. “But I’m so glad I did.”
We made love again after that, then fell asleep in each other’s arms. Nick woke me before daylight so I could slip up to my bed unnoticed, but I almost didn’t make it. We couldn’t seem to let go of each other after our night together and ended up making love yet again.
When we were both dressed, he shut off the heater and walked me to the door, lingering for a long, tender kiss as the first pale echo of light tinged the horizon. I had just settled into my bed when I heard Aunt Darla, always an early riser, make her way to the bathroom. With a sigh of relief at the near miss, I snuggled down and went to sleep, dreaming about the next time I’d be alone with Nick.